Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 1b - Your vision.

Your Driver's Vision:
As you grow into a mature capable, American driver, you will gradually learn to use your eyes for looking. Looking is the key emotion of a car driver, closely followed by the emotions of seeing, and of steering.

But not all Americans are blessed by with good vision. Some motorists have poor vision. Behold the difference.

In Fig. 11A, we see the road as it was meant to be seen - clear and sharp. In Fig. 11B, we can barely see anything at all. Are those auto-cars? Are they hippopottamuses? Was that a DeShoto that just pulled in front of you, or was it a Studebunker? You can't even tell if a car is grey, silver, black, or merely off-white. In addition, people with poor vision have extra film grain. If you can see no difference between the two pictures, it is likely that you have "poor vision". If this is the case, please acquire a copy of the large print version of this book. It has a foreward by Quincy Magoo, in which you will learn proper technique for "wildly sawing the wheel back and forth" and shouting "road hog!" These are essential skills for a long and hilarious career as a legally blind motorist.

Please use this chart to assess your visual acuity.

If you can read these letters, you will recognize the name "Ocypf Dzenr", the famous Serbian grand Prix champion, a man whose name is most accurately pronounced while stifling a sneeze.

Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 1 - The Driver.

Thank you for purchasing a pallet of this fine book (insert school district here). We at the American Automotive Association are confident that this will aid your pupils in learning to drive in the correct American way: Sportsmanlike. As you know from your career as an educator in America, children cannot learn anything unless it is simplified into terms of sports metaphors. (A "metaphor" is similar to a pinch-hitter, who steps up to the plate in place of another player, except with words.)

In Part One, we will discuss The Driver. Here in 1956, We now have complete understanding of The Atom, ever since we discovered it last year. Therefore, it is imperative that we show you a picture of an Atom Corral. Here, you can see The Atom being basted in Neutrons and Gamma Rays by "Atom Ranchers". Once the Atom has roasted for forty-five minutes per pound, it will be ready to destroy all our Enemies. The Atom will never harm Americans, of course, because it respects our American Exceptionalism. Note that cautionary signs must be placed at a distance not less than six feet from the Atom Corral. This is the maximum distance a gamma ray or neutron is capable of traveling. For total safety, visitors to the Atom Corral must stand behind the Cautionary Sign Perimeter. There. Now you are prepared to learn about driving.

You can see from this chart that Americans have adopted the Motor-Car at an angle of nearly forty-five degrees. In 1895, there were four cars, driven by three people per car.Last year, there were over 50 million cars, driven by no persons per car. Clearly, we love cars so much that there are more cars in existence than there are people to drive them. Please visit your town's Car Pound and adopt a homeless car today.

Despite the overabundance of cars, modern redheads still find the time to fight over them. Here is a typical Mormon family of two husbands and two wives in a disagreement over who gets to use the car. If only they would consult their secret golden tablets hidden in a hat that nobody is allowed to see, they would come to understand that they should all share a ride to the laundromat to wash their secret gigantic underwear.

In Fig. 4, it is made plain that, over time, things change and become different. On;y six years ago, our children attended school in little more than a barn, where they learned nursery rhymes from horses and cows. Soon, thanks to the Motor Age, children will be transported to baffling, modern buildings in Motor-Buses. Alternately, children who live on the Moon can park their dirigibles in the school's hangar.

Science predicts that by 1970, cars will become intelligent, and will employ humans to drive them where they need to go. Here we see a Future-Man being paid by his Auto-Car master. Notice that mankind's legs have been fused by the forces of evolution into a single appendage, because in the future, nobody will ever walk anywhere, except perhaps cars, who will evolve arms and legs for some reason.

1902 Sears Catalog - Put your Hand Inside the Puppet Head.

The craziness from 1902 just doesn't stop. Have a look at this page from Sears. Why were they so keen on puppets back then? Maybe it was one of their few forms of entertainment back then, apart from the "New Invention of Germ Theory" and maybe burning witches. Maybe it was some kind of pre-vaudeville cornball comedy obsession or something. Sure, Sears was pretty much the only game in town as far as mail order was concerned, and they had fifteen pages of rifles, and six pages of pocket watches. why not have at least one page of your catalog's puppet section dedicated to the sale of baby puppets? I guess it makes sense if you thi... Huh? What's that? You're joking. Well, I've just been informed that, apparently, those are clothes for actual babies they're selling.

Like I always say, nothing is too stupid to become popular. So, why shouldn't 1902 develop some weird trend about dressing your baby in a garment three times the length of the child's body? Maybe it was aspirational? Maybe the hope was that the child would somehow grow legs to fill the length of the gown? A gold fish will grow to fill the tank it lives in. Even been to a Chinese restaurant and seen that huge aquarium with one huge fish in it that can hardly turn around? A baby confined to a three-foot long baby dress would presumably grow to be three feet tall, at which time the baby would need to shed the garment and find a suitable replacement, such as the grass collection bag from a lawnmower.

Ooo! better still... maybe it was like a lizard who can lose his tail? As you know, in 1902, Americans still lived in grass huts and were routinely chased by sabre-toothed raccoons. If the baby wore a long enough garment, the predator would bite at the trailing hem, which would tear off, giving the baby precious seconds to run away and make good the escape!

Or if the baby was really thinking clearly... he or she would return to the scene with an entire war party of babies, armed with pointed sticks. A family of babies could live for weeks on the carcass of one boar. Primitive babies of 1902 let no part of their prey go to waste. Even the hair of the beast would be fashioned into mustaches and goatees, to disguise their identities as they launched raids on other baby tribes. I think we could all learn a lesson from our baby ancestors, don't you?

This page from the Sears catalog show us a sample selection of "Infants' Long Cloaks". Such raiment was the favorite of wizard babies. Among the baby tribe, the wizard was most revered, whether he or she was a healer, shaman, or battlemage, all the baby tribe looked to the wizard baby to keep the family group safe and healthy. Of course, now, we know there is no such thing as magic

Those ignorant savages of 1902. They would believe anything.

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Car Vac

Joke #1 - "I've checked the collector bin twice, Ma'm, but still no baby. Are you sure this is your car?"

Joke #2 - "I'm getting some strange reading here, Ma'am. There's no way one family could have eaten this many burritos."

Joke #3 - "Looks like you came to me just in time, ma'am. We're getting readings that are right off the Cheech-and-Chong-Ometer. We'll need to keep your car over night."

Joke #4 - "Okay, Ma'am. Your aerator is up and running. Just try to drive in the right lane. You'll need to carry an extra charcoal filter, but we sell a special trailer that fits it perfectly. If you don't mind my saying so, your son is a very lucky fish-mutant."

Joke #5 - Ricky could hardly wait for the man to finish vacuuming out the car. He already had to go again.

Joke #6 was contributed by Mr.BeenInThatShopBefore_2, who's probably been in that shop before. Thanks, Mister Been!- "Yes ma'am! If you look at this gauge, it shows I've gotten all those harmful Inviz-O-Rays out of your car. It's totally safe now. And it sure is lucky for you- our 'Invzo Removal Package' is on sale now! It's a bargain at only $175. Normally, we charge twice that. Be sure to tell all your lady-friends. They need this important removal too. Now about those muffler bearings..."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

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Hires Root Beer - Scotchphobia!

Racism news now, from 1937! Hires Root Beer hates the Scottish and wants them all to die of cancer!

How can that stupid sentence be true? It can't, stupid. However, there's plenty of bigotry to be had in this Hires Root Beer ad. The ad suggests that, because Hires was 5¢ a bottle, the Scottish would love it. Fuck you, marketing douchebags! We've reported hard-hittingly in the past on the myth that the Scottish are cheap. News flash: everybody's cheap. But for some reason, you didn't see angry crowds of Scots flipping over police cars and going all Braveheart over the stereotype. Maybe because they had better things to do, like going all Braveheart over their age-old grudge against the English.

So Root Beer is good for you? What's the deal with that? Well, apparently Pharmacist Charles Hires was the first to commercially market Root Beer in 1876. Before then, root beer was made and drunk at home, mostly in North America, where it was believed to be a cure-all. Then again, everything was believed to be a cure-all by the ignorant savages of 1876.

The key ingredient in root beer was an extract of the root or bark of the sassafras tree. This "original recipe" root beer was mildly alcoholic, but since Hires was a dry guy, his formula was just sodey-pop. Funny thing: it was also highly carcinogenic. Why was that? Sassafras oil was determined to be a carcinogen by the FDA in 1960, which is why all commercial root beer since then is artificially flavored. Don't go looking for "natural" root beer. Or, if you do, be glad you can't find any. Actual root-juice-type root beer is very decidedly non-good for you.

So now, the only reason root beer is bad for you is plain old sugar, which is slightly higher in root beer than in cola... or if you just get run over by the delivery truck. Know what? Back in 1876, they believed getting run over by a root beer delivery truck was a cure-all. If you think of it in a certain way, it kind of is.

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Grey-Rock Brake Linings - Free avatars... better than that stupid movie!

Boy, I tell you, Asbestos was the wonder-material du jour back in '49. They made brake linings out of it, which, come to think of it, is one of the least horrifying uses for the stuff, back in the days before anybody cared that asbestos basically wanted everybody to die all the time. Brake linings are a comparatively sensible application for asbestos, as opposed to, say, retainers or diapers or something.

And, history doesn't get to use the ignorance plea. As early as 1898, factory inspectors noticed that asbestos had a weird "kinda sicky-killy" effect on workers. But I'm sure the good people at Raybestos made sure their workers were well looked-after, right?

Anyhoo, the reason this spot color ad found it's way onto my desk today is this great picture of a terrified driver. You could use him for lots of things. Because of his mind-boggling utility, we'll present him to you in a bunch of formats. Don't miss the avatar-friendly (NO, not that stupid movie written by a fifth grade girl!) 64x64, 96x96, and 128x128 sizes - just right for your favorite automotive forum. Just be sure and tell your jealous pals where you got it. Who's your buddy?

 Something very weird happens whenever I save these as JPEGs. His eyes turn grey. I can't figure why that's happening, so all these images below are PNGs. If the Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade can't give me an answer by high lunch, I'm sacking them and going back to the Commodore 64 for all my graphicking.

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Schenley - Yeah, baby, yeah!

As anybody will tell you (especially in 1966), if you drink the right booze, women will swarm over you, helpless against the urge to nuzzle your freshly Ziebarted haircut. This supremely confident gent surely understands. he's already got a couple of women stuck in his hair, and he loves it... and Schenley!

Man. Look at this guy's eyebrows? How many takes did they go through before the director got the model to push the eyebrow thing hard enough? That's a leer worthy of a "clipping art" (see below). Can they be serious, or is this kind of a tongue-in-cheek bit of fun in the Swinging Sixties? I dunno. It was The Sixties. Advertisers were having the time of their lives. Maybe they did expect readers to look at this ad and believe that the secret to loads of sex with multiple partners was drinking the right drink. Maybe- ah! A clue!

This is a woman trying very hard not to laugh. She's trying to pull the corners of her mouth downwards, but she can't suppress the smile line at the corner of her mouth. Plus, you can just tell by looking at her. I'm sure she kept it together just long enough to finish the shoot, and then they all had a good laugh and dissolved into a pile of humping nakedness. Yeah baby!

Now, about that Graphic Gift. Here's your daily dose of vitamin smarm. He's all ready to right-click onto your hard drive of self-actualization... because you're good enough, you're smart enough, and your hair is weather-resistant up to a 75 mph gale. You're welcome!

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See also: The Vaseline hair tonic man.

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