6/15/10

Men staring at machines - A caption trilogy, almost.

Joke #1: Roger that, we have an open channel. Drives are in sync? Check. Cooling systems are optimal? Check. Begin transcoding in three, two one. Begin transcoding. “Dear mom,” wait, wait! We’ve spent fifty dollars already! Goddmn AOL. Soon as I can, I’m signing up for Prodigy.

Joke #2: Good morning, Cliff. Keep an eye on motor  number two. It was buzzing a little last night. That reel over there is just a bout full. Do we have any spares? Good. Man, I’m beat. See you tomorrow, Cliff. You know, I need a bigger thermos. Some nights its like there’s not enough coffee in the world to get me through my shift, heh heh. It’ll be worth it, though. In just another month or two, we’ll have his thing programmed to record an entire season of Everybody Loves Raymond.

Joke #3: “Sir, the new printouts seem to indicate that there’s a new block coming down. It’s a green one shaped like an S”.
“Hell! We do not need this now! Okay, okay. Issue a ninety degree rotate command, click it twice to the right, do a drop command, and then give me a screen summary… and do it fast! Maybe we can clear a row with the next block.”

Joke #1: One of the more cheerful days at a typical German laundromat.

Joke#2: “Don, do you ever dream of switching sides? You know… I watch your screens and you watch mine? Just for a little while?”.
“Shut up, Gabe”.

Joke #4: “Christ, Troy. Do you have to have brussles sprouts EVERY day at lunch? You’re frikking killing me.”

Joke #5: The U.S. Navy’s Santa Claus vigil. Day 240.

6/14/10

Kooking Kornir 1

Phil Are Go!'s Kooking Kornir is sponsored by Saran Wrap, the food wrap that expects leftovers every night. Saran Wrap - Helping you finish it yourself for over fifty years.

Spaghetti is a buffet supper standby. Offer your guests a choice of sauces in a variety of containers. For that "Au Revoir Roma!" atmosphere, illuminate your table with oil lamps, filled with delicious spaghetti sauce of course! Let the romantic flicker of open flame set fire to their appetites. "Ole, Napoli!"

Kids can be so hard to please, and their youth culture can be confusing to a concerned parent. Show them you're "in the groove" with this super fun salad bong, served with various dry pastas. They'll crunch crunch CRUNCH their munchies away, just like those kids in the back of the van! And one thing's for sure: they'll think twice before calling their mom a "square"!

Prime rib of beef in a regal pose. Select a well-aged cut, and remember to look for a little meat marbled in with the fat. A quality meat thermometer is important for confident roasting. The meat is done when the needle begins to move. Now, some of your guests may be in on the new "health craze", so you may want to include a sprig of parsley underneath one corner of the entree. They'll be delighted with your light dining options and you can look at the dinner tableau and pretend the vegetable just lost a wrestling match to meat, the king of beefs!

6/11/10

Certain-teed - A home I'll be proud to invade.

We here at Go! Towers don't happen to have any soldiers on staff, but we're all pretty sure that it has never been the U.S. Army's policy to parachute soldiers home after a war. In general, paratroopers are pretty much used for invasion. You know... dropping into a war zone.

And so it is that we are left to boggle at the narrative of this ad. Clearly, the soldier is an honest sort of man who appreciates quality construction and great weatherproofing when he sees it - even from seventy-five feet overhead, just before doing a drop-roll into the garden.

"Boy! ...What a honey of a roof!" he says. "It'll be a shame to set fire to it and apprehend the owners. But, we need to eliminate any possible pockets of local resistance. It's the job!"

With joyful detachment, he'll kick in the back door, pausing briefly to admire the new linoleum tile. "On the floor! On the beautiful low-maintenance floor! ON THE FLOOR! DOWN! DOWN! Tell me the spacing of the floor joists NOW! Are they 2x8's or 2x10's? This floor feels NICE AND SOLID! Feels like 12 inches on center, NOW! TELL ME NOW! Who was your contractor!? Can I have his CARD!? GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

 The woman in the yard seems pretty happy to have her house stormed. She's waving almost like she wants to be sure hers is the first house to have a grenade thrown through the patio doors. "Guten Morgen, Soldaten Freund! My knickers are moist with your imminent violation.Whatever you do, please don't force your way into mine bedroom on der second floor, first door on ze right. I'll be helpless to resist your advances. Oh jah, it weel be horrible, See you there."


Wait a minute and hold on a second also. Certainteed (They dropped the hyphen some time after the war.) describe themselves as having a presence in North American markets only. Their site has a French option, because the company is wholly owned by the French company Compagnie de Saint-Gobain SA The soldier's dialect ("What a honey of a roof.") implies a middle American upbringing, so he's very likely supposed to be American. Sooo...a French owned company and American soldiers. Ah! As early as 1943, Certainteed management must have had fantasies about Americans occupying France - possibly as liberators, possibly to set up a puppet government focused on quality building materials and top-notch insulation.


Man, global politics makes my head hurt. I'd rather go back to making up stuff for the lady to say, but with a corrected French accent...


"Allo! Monsieur parachute soldier! My valuables are all safely heedden away in my pantaloons! You weel never find them where I have hidden them, which is also where I keep my naughty bits, so please don't look in there. Yes, that would be verry unpleasant I would say! Perhaps you are looking for Monsieur Heetler, ah? I'm sure I have not seen heem, but if I had, I'm sure he would also be lurking somewhere near my varrious soft parts! Whatever you do, you'd better not set up a camp underneath my frock or I weel have to surrender at you! So don't even try, ah?"



6/10/10

Savings and Loan - Strange Meadow Lark

Joke #1: "*Gasp!* Oh dear! Honey, we've been robbed! I can't find my crystal candy dish!"

Joke#2: "...and police are still on the lookout for two men wanted for a string of armed robberies. Both are caucasian males. One is approximately six feet tall and has a beard. The other is just under ninety five feet tall and may be carrying a medium sized house. Both should be considered armed and dangerous. We now return you to Jack Parr already in progress."

Joke #3: "Bobby, remember what I said. After your program is over, I need you to go and mow your bedroom. And keep an eye out for that darn gopher. He's got my keys."

Joke #4: The lighter side of home foreclosure.

Joke #5: "..and not only are returning veterans eligible for discounted vocational training. America's soldiers can look forward to choosing from a variety of low-interest loans that they can use to buy a meadow, prairie, or sward."

Joke #6: "Honey, I've been thinking. You're doing well at the factory and we're making our bills without any trouble, so I... Well, I'll just come out and say it. Let's buy a wall!"

Joke #7: "There's nothing more refreshing than a G.E. air conditioning system, friends. Imagine enjoying your summer, cooled by the latest climate control technology. If you think you're ready to take advantage of our trial offer, just call this number and we'll send out a G.E. technician to demolish your house.This is a limited time offer. Don't wait!"

Joke #8: "Honestly, Barbara, if your sister 'just pops in' for one more unannounced visit, I'll... I'll... I swear I'll go and buy a door, install it and then lock it! Don't tempt me! I'm serious this time!"

Joke #9: "Oh gosh, I'm sorry Barbara. That casserole is coming back on me again. I need to go use the bathroom,  I'll use a tree farther away from the living room. I'm sorry about last time."


(Tip of the hat to anyone who recognized "Strange Meadow Lark" as a reference to Dave Brubeck's song of the same title, the album of which was mentioned on yesterday's post. Yeah, I didn't think so.)


6/9/10

Life Savers - Take five (of them).

In the opinion of the P.A.G. editorial staff, some pictures don't deserve jokes, but instead are really great and as such, need to see the light of day. These pictures are perfect for days when time is a little short. It's better than skipping a day. Behold, the life savers pep-o-mint roller coaster ad! I'm not sure why Blogger is displaying the "preview" version you see here so uglifully. If you click through to the big one, you can see it's much nicer.


 Looking at the loose, geometric linework reminded me of the album cover of Dave Brubeck's Time Out, which was painted by S. Neil Fujita. This kind of art was very much the rage in the fifties, and is beloved by me, as is this album.

On a lark, I checked the Life Savers ad for a signature and, hey, what do you know? "Erdoes". A quick Google search reveals that his first name was Richard and that he apparently had a thing for native American culture. That's great if you're in to injuns, but doing an image search on Richard Erdoes brings you lots of photos of people and not many examples of his work. I'll post what I did manage to find. I think I have a new favorite.




6/8/10

Al Hirschfeld on Hollywood.

"Who's Al Horsechild?" you say. It's "Hirsch-feld", and you ought to know his work if you're been alive more than five years and are not blind. If you don't know who Al Hirschfeld is, the first thing you need to do is punch yourself in the groin for being a clueless jerk... or blind. Actually, if you're blind, don't punch yourself, because your life is hard enough. Just try to find someone who doesn't know who Al Hirschfeld is and punch THEM in random locations until one of their shouts of pain sounds like "Ow! My groin!" Well done, blindey.

Here is a self-portrait by Hirschfeld. He made a name for himself doing these simple caricatures of (mostly) celebrities, characterized by swoopy ink lines and a very minimalist sensibility. Mostly, I respect him for two things: A) Being really good at caricature and B) having a style that you could recognize from the moon with your space helmet full of jam. I know, I know. "He never did a drawing big enough to be visible from orbit, let alone the moon." How bout this? Shut up.

Caricature is pretty hard. You have to identify what defines a particular face and exaggerate those features while omitting others, all without letting your distortions make the subject unrecognizable. Caricature is a pretty complex mental process. Almost all drawing relies upon the aforementioned discipline of judging and editing what you're seeing, but caricature demands a LOT of mental editing on the fly. Do it right and people see things in your drawing that they recognize, but never knew were in the face of the subject. "Oh yeah, I never noticed how feathery Hirschfeld's eyebrows were before!" Stuff like that.

You may have seen Hirschfeld's drawings on a number of TV guide covers, Johnny Carson's title cards and lots of other places from the forties through the seventies. One Simpson's episode even had a drawing of Krusty the Clown done in a Hirschfeld-esque style. I don't know if they actually got Al himself to do it (he was alive until 2003) or if it was a staff artist doing an imitation, but it was dead-on. I think the episode was "Krusty gets Kancelled".

In 1949, Hirschfeld did a series of drawings for Holiday magazine in which he made fun of Hollywood's various stereotypes. Low hanging fruit, I know. But when your magazine had Hirschfeld doing some drawings for an issue, incisive commentary just isn't important. Just give him an easy topic and let him work. Hirschfeld was sort of the "cartoonist laureate" of golden-era hollywood. If you wanted a funny drawing of some actor, Hirschfeld was the one you went to.

Anyway, here are the nine drawings, plus their captions. Please forgive the light photoshopping. Some of the captions were positioned in inconvenient locations, relative to their corresponding drawings, and I paired them up to make them sit better on the page. These are just thumbnails, since they can only be appreciated by clicking through to the larger version. Enjoy.


By contrast, here's what happens when a mortal tries to do a caricature. It's a drawing of Bo and Luke Duke as done by me a few years ago for a "drawing of the week" blog my friend had. I hate the Dukes of Hazzard and everything to do with the redneck south. I think my drawing benefitted from that hatred, as well as the fact that I was in a hurry because I felt that any time spent on the Dukes was a waste of time. Enjoy the contrast between Hirschfeld - an elegant master - and myself  - a rushed, angry oaf.

6/4/10

Little Ads - You are getting gullible... veeeeerrry gullible.

"Make a statuette from a standing view of your most loathed comic character. Express specific hatred for the screw eye at the top. Be careful when handling enormous comic book, as you may become trapped under it for days."

"Grover Squires says 'My hobby makes me $5 an hour cash profit." Disoriented grandpa says "Whaa? Who are you?'
FYI: $15 monthly payment in 1960 is the equivalent of $107.45 in 2009. Ouch!

Joke #1: "If it fails to work, just hypnotize yourself and tell yourself it worked."
Joke #2: "I am getting veeery sleeeepyyy. When I snap my fingers, I will be totally in my power..."

"Learn meat cutting. Dispose of pesky 'evidence'. Write today for free practice carcass."

"Para-Ven Auto-Blinds, from the makers of the Auto-Jacuzzi, Auto-Tuffet, and Auto-Porch."

"Hits like a rifle- kills rabbits, squirrels, other harmless creatures. Send $1.50 to Wham-O Mfg. Co., lovable scamp division, Box B8, Pasadena, California.