Child Seatbelt - Be safe in '67!

This totally safe and non-improvable child seatbelt was a great leap ahead, back in 1967. It was better than, say, just carrying your kid around lying on the dash, for example. Also notice that the extra-high child seat gives your special little one a clear shot at the windshield for that super clean "nothing but net" exit from the vehicle in the event of a crash.

The Country Gentleman Girls' Club

Huzzah to all of our farming readers, you who surely regard yourselves as Country Gentlemen! Our Fair Publication serves you well as a touch-stone for all Farming Concerns and also Animal Husbandry, but what of your daughters? What may she find within Our Pages to bring delight to her Youthful years? Ahy, the Country Gentleman Girls' Club, of course! Hasten to join with all speed! Allow us to address your daughters, for a moment....

Girls, you can be the Proud Owner of a Lovely Frock or a Jazzy Banjo Uke, Possibly both! "How can I possibly own two things?" you ask? Never mind! Simply join today! "What do I need to do to earn Such Prizes?" Don't ask questions! Just join! You'll be ever so glad of the day you did, for you might own a Lovely Frock or a Jazzy Banjo Uke for playing The Devil's Music!

Thanksgiving Turkey Rides, and Tryptophanbusters

It's Thanksgiving, eaters! Time for a ride on a huge Victorian-era turkey and some debunking of the tryptophan myth. Here's the turkey ride part. See?

"And I thought these things smelled bad on my insides!"

I paid six friggin' bucks for this stupid card at an antique store, but the picture was so weird, I couldn't let it just sit there. George Lucas probably thinks he invented the image of Luke and Han riding tauntauns around Hoth, but like everything else in the Star Wars movies, he got the idea from a really old holiday card. FYI: the Death Star started out as William Howard Taft.

This puppet will later have his giblets spilled, without gravy. Luke is the stuffing.

Today, you'll probably hear a few relatives joke about being sleepy after gorging themselves on turkey. Too bad people don't gorge themselves on science with as much gusto. Science, up, you! Yes, turkey has tryptophan, but not as much as chicken, and no more than milk, yogurt, fish, tomatoes, or a hundred other things you eat pretty much every day. The real answer is disappointingly simple. You get sleepy because you overeat. This is not a judgement. I plan to make a pig of myself later on today. It's thanksgiving. It's fine. Here are some links heroically trying to shout down the misconception that turkey makes you sleepy:

http://www.snopes.com/food/ingredient/turkey.asp

http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/the-truth-about-tryptophan?page=2

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/26/tryptophan-sleepy_n_4296378.html

http://www.eatingwell.com/nutrition_health/nutrition_news_information/5_nutrition_myths_busted

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prefrontal-nudity/201111/the-turkey-tryptophan-myth

The Stateroom

Joke #1 - Yes, a new life awaits you in the off-world colonies.

Joke #2 - "Alien replicants? Ha ha! Don't be silly. I was about to ask you the same thi-. Wait........ Xabdor?"

Joke #3 - Allen and Peggy sat quietly as Doreen began to read them all a bedtime story from the Sears catalog. They could tell from where she opened it that tonight's story would be about garden stuff.

Joke #4 - "Ladies and gentlemen, my wife will now do that sexy trick where she crosses and uncrosses her legs. Those of you in the first two rows may want to look under your seats and put on your rain ponchos now."

Joke #5 - To make your trip as comfortable and cozy as possible, the staterooms on all Amtrak trains are upholstered with soft, warm, nearly hairless human flesh.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

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Gillette Blades - They can make the pain stop.

Shaving news now, from 1937, brought to you by a terrifying, razor sharp mascot who looks like he's more than ready to open an artery for you!

"Ouch! The wind has made my skin so blamed tender, I can hardly shave!" You've been there, right? Skin is sore and red. All you want is a little relief. Then there's that one blade that pops up out of the dispenser and starts talking to you. Those big, staring doll eyes. The words that hold such promise of release from pain... from everything. It would be so simple. So easy. You would hardly feel a thing. And then, the sweet bliss of peace.

The eyes are full of answers. The answer. Somehow, those eyes - all at once so disturbing yet reassuring - tell you they want to be close to your skin, with the warm, pulsating vein so close below. He's so cold. Won't you help him warm up? So very close. He can almost see your blood. Almost taste it. Just, almost. So... easy.

Please enjoy the horrifying mascot from today's Gillette ad. You won't want to go anywhere without him, would you? He'd be so cold, without your warm, yielding skin to keep him warm. Print him out and carry him everywhere. Yeeessss, that's it. You're welcome!

Arrow Shirts, 1971 - Timeless classics that will never ever ever go out of style, EVER!

Okay, fashionistas, it's time to get some Christmas gift-giving mojo rising, 1971 style! What? You don't know what those words mean? It doesn't matter! It's time to get groovy, with these infinitely fashionable shirts from Arrow that will always be trendy, forever, until the seas boil and the boon shall be as blood!

Wow! What year is it? I simply cannot tell! It looks like an annual hunt club photo from the early twentieth century, but this is 1971. What goes on??? Timeless style that will always be groovy, that's what! And that's because, here in 1971, we've realized we are the ultimate arbiters of cool in a way that nobody can ever deny! Check out the details!

What goes with stripes? STRIPES, silly! What goes with patterns? STRRRRRIPES, idiot! And what kind of pants should all kinds of men wear. TIGHT ONES, sailor! Just like they did in 1905! Indistinguishable!

You know what? Thtere's almost no way you could ever make this look go out of style, no matter how hard you push it? That's just good fashion, honey! Don't believe us? Well, get ready to admit defeat, because here comes Arrow Shirt Man, 2024 style!

SEE? He looks just like he's been fox hunting in the English countryside! This stuff will never get old! It's good to know that we finished fashion, and we did it right here in 1971! Couture complete!!! You're welcome!

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PAG! Pointy Tree Day Card Cattle Call!

Okay, people! The Pointy Tree Daycards have come back from The Printers, and what to my wondering eyes do appear? They're typo free. Champagne corks fly! They're going out now, so get yours while it's still The Holidays. Send your address to PhilAreGo@gmail.com. No, we won't send you junk mail or stalk you. They're free and no salesman will visit... at least not from us. It's just a friggin' postcard. Jeez. Free until we run out, and then they're still free, but you can't get one any more.

Look familiar? It's over one the sidebar too. Crazy, huh?