Cockpit Knob

Joke #1 - "EZ-Flite Manual, Step 1: To start engine, gently caress turkey baster."

Joke #2 "Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has squozen some kind of weird bulb. So, if someone could come tell me what that means, we could all move on."

Joke #3 - In 1946, the number of midair collisions spiked by "a couple". The FAA responded by mandating the installation of "ahoogah" horns on all planes.

Joke #4 - "EZ-Flite Manual, Step 2: Turn the Flight Indicator from 'DON'T FLY' to 'FLY'. The plane should now be flying. If the plane does not seem to be in flight, check the position of the Flight Indicator. After being set on 'FLY', it should be on 'FLY'. If the plane remains in a state of non-flyingness, have the Flight Indicator checked by a qualified knob technician. Do not attempt to exit the plane before having the Flight Indicator serviced, in the event that the plane is actually in flight. If you are uncertain whether the plane is in flight, please consult supplementary manual 2C: "How High Is Up?" for step-by-step instructions on identifying "flight". Do not attempt to exit the plane before discerning definition of 'flight'..."

Joke #5 - "For safety, the pilot's hat has been screwed to the roof of the cockpit. Please note that in the even of an emergency, the pilot's hat must be unscrewed from the roof of the plane as rapidly as possible."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

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Churchill Portrait - Feliks Topolski

Here's a brilliant portrait of Winston Churchill painted by a guy I've only just heard of, named Feliks Topolski. It's a good portrait artist that can paint loosely, and with that great offhand energy, but still make it obvious who it's supposed to be. Topolski has that.

It looks like a chaotic mess - one of those paintings that people in "git r done" tank tops look at and say "That's shit. My kid coulda done that!", except that it also looks exactly like Churchill. Some people don't like jazz for the same reason. It can sound like a mess, but if you pay attention, you can recognize the pattern and theme of the tune, especially if it's a cover of a familiar song. So, maybe this is a jazz painting of Winston Churchill?

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Telescoping Steering Wheel - Been there, did that.

I was pretty impressed that this farmer type of guy invented himself a telescoping steering wheel, as shown in this 1956 issue of Popular Mechanics. A quick glance at a probably-more-or-less-accurate Wikipedia page showed that Ford had this exact feature on Thunderbirds since the previous year, Ah well. Mister Greenjeans here still built himself one, so he still gets some credit, just not for getting there first.

Turns out his name isn't Greenjeans. It's Jarsley Dvorak, which is way more interesting! "Jarsley"? Wow!

I'm no auto-collisionist, but I'm not convinced that having the passenger   hit the steering wheel ten inches and thirty milliseconds later is a life-saver, but it couldn't hurt. The real face-saver would come in later years with airbag technology. Way back in '56, they hadn't even begun designing steering wheels to be easy on the skull in the event of a "whoopsie", so having the thing slide down a little ways was probably some help.

Pity that steering wheels can either be padded or look really cool. There were some really nice steering wheels back in the days before people knew you could hurt yourself by having one lodged in your sinuses. Old Jarsley was in on the ground floor of that concept. The top picture shows us how the conventional steering column fits nicely inside the head and chest. This is good, because three-point seat belts with a shoulder restraint weren't really available in the U.S. until 1968. As usual, the Europeans were a little ahead of us on that. Jarsley does look a little Swedish, doesn't he?

'67 Plymouth Belvedere - A better Belvederriere

Lots of cars on the road today have hideous C-pillars. It seems to be a "thing" lately - especially with SUVs, which suffer from an overcrowded marketplace and the fact that they're basically boxes that all look the same. The C pillar seems to be one place on the car where designers feel they can shoehorn in some "style" or "baffling ugliness". Lo and behold, it ain't a new thing. This Plymouth Belvedere has a gross C pillar (one man's opinion).

For those who care, the things that hold up your car's roof are called the "pillars" (duh). They're lettered on each side from front to back A,B,C, etc., depending on how many pillars that particular car has. Now that I look at it, this Belvedere has no pillar in the middle. Fancy. Auto makers sometimes like to show off by building a car with no B pillar for that "wide open" look on the sides. I'm pretty sure that means the back corners of the roof are still supported by the "C pillar", despite the absence of "B", but one of our more thoroughly auto-schooled commenters may set me straight if I'm wrong on that.


Any coolness gained by the pillarless B pillar of this Belvedere is pissed away by the wonky C pillar that's wider at the top than at the bottom (opinion). It looks like it was folded out of paper, and makes my eyes hurt.

Here are some current hideous C-pillars that may be sitting in your driveway this very moment (an opinion). I'm so sorry.

So what's to be done about this Belvedere? Fix it in the 'Shop, of course. Let's get out some wrenches. While we're at it, let's fix some other huge errors, like the glaring omission of a third axle. See? When you design down to a price point, you often have to cut the most coolest and most useful feature (may not match your opinion). You're welcome.

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Flounced Nightgown - Your album cover is waiting.

Lots of people are fond of saying that the idea of a "hard copy" of any media is obsolete. Way back in 2003, I worked with a 22-year old kid who, one day, was taking all his CD's, ripping them as MP3s, and selling the CDs to his friends for a dollar each. Pity for me he didn't have anything I liked, because I would have taken full advantage of his shortsightedness. I think that most of the people trumpeting the death of physical media aren't old enough to remember re-buying all their records and tapes on CDs when the new format come around. I wonder if the retard from my old work is still happy with his 96kbps MP3s that he married himself to when he pracrtically gave away all his discs. I hope he enjoys tinkly compression artifacts and mushy treble.

All I'm saying is that, for me, owning CDs is like being on the gold standard. Every AAC or MP3 on my phone or iPod represents a track on a disc in my basement. As storage becomes cheaper and huger, I can re-rip the music at higher and higher bitrates on and on into the future, until some weird spacey kind of format comes along that records a holographic movie of the artist in the studio, including the smell, along with the music.

The fact that my CDs are relegated to my basement vault kind of bums me out, because I used to really like making covers for home-made CDs. Yeah, technically there still is "album art" attached to the files I guess, but it's not as nice as a color print in the jewel case. Making a cover for a new mix of songs was part of the fun, as was the constraint of "how many songs will this disc hold?". A playlist can be as massive as you want. It kind of took away the challenge, and hence, the fun. I lament the death of physical media in my day-to-day existence.

Anyway, if I still needed to maintain a collection of "found images" for use as album covers, this fashiony ad thing from Life magazine would have been an excellent candidate.

This fashion shoot was apparently designed by Joe Eula. Do we have to agree to him before we can continue ogling the model? Huh huh.

The photo studio is lit about as romantically as a grocery store. I guess Mr. Eula spent most of his career shooting tool catalogs. If we're going to make a decently cheesy album cover out of this, it will need some vignetting or something. Observe...

That's better. Large versions available below, as usual. You're welcome.

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Box of Buttons

Joke #1 - Grim Laboratories new GentleFrown ChemChair system lets the user adjust the amount of depression he or she needs. Depressants are administered in doses from "leave me alone" to "that button seems so far away", so people need never be happier than they want to be.

Joke #2 - PowerTable. Now available with manual or automatic transmission.

Joke #3 - Dawn  reached for her Robo-Butler control panel. Sure, work was always a little stressful, but this  week had been horrible. Robo Pierce Brosnan and Robo Adrian Zmed had done the trick, but now they both needed repair. Ugh. She was down to Robo Denny Terio. Jeez. Good thing today was Friday.

Joke #4 - Popular Science, bringing the world of technology to virgins of all types since 1872.

Joke #5 - Frump-O-Tron allows user to adjust the amount of frumpy they are, to one of six levels, carefully chosen by a panel of nuns. Also available in "dowdy" and "mousey" versions.

Joke #6 - Dawn heard footsteps in stairwell B. Mr. Bond again, no doubt. She reached for the button that would fold the steps into a frictionless steel ramp, leading to a set of spikes. Good thing tomorrow was garbage day. Those Mr. Bond bodies were starting to attract raccoons.

Joke #7 - The Elvis-Tone console television now features a self-shooting mechanism, saving you the trouble and expense of shooting it yourself when nothing is on.

Joke #8 is a highly literate contribution from Sue. Thanks Sue! - Sylvia Plath: The Happy Years.

Joke #9 Comes to us from the mind of Anonymous 2. Thanks A2! - Dawn loved her new "Aut-O-Matic Sweater"! She had already "Aut-O-Matically" rolled up her sleeves & undid her first four buttons as the manual instructed! She was about to release the top button, when her "Venus Wrist-Slitter Plant" decided today was the day...

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

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Spot the Joke - Rough treatment.

Today we present a challenge to the Phil Are GO! Joke-Getting Assault Squad (JGAS), our hand-picked group of the most charitable and sympathetic staffers. Their task? To figure out why these are comics. It sounds easy, but nothing could be harder or less funny. Do you think you understand why these comics are comical? See if you can Spot The Joke! The JGAS's analysis is posted after each "uncomic".

Theory #1 - The guest is very excited to meet the wife of the tired man with repetitive stress injury. Surely she must be a handful in bed. This is funny.

Theory #2 - Having let his membership in the Antelope Lodge lapse, the older gentleman has forgotten the secret handshake, resulting in Wrist Failure after attempting the handshake with the younger man. He is angry with himself that his prospective son-in-law is both a member and an expert Antelope handshaker. This makes apparent the balding man's mortality. This is funny.

Theory #3 - A young man with a cocaine habit is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. He is hoping they can "score him some good shit", when they actually cannot. They will see him as a threat to their daughter's future, and will have him murdered, and his organs sold overseas. The proceeds will be used to fund the father's meth habit. This is funny.

Theory #4 - Ted Key is not funny. This is funny.

Theory #5 comes to us from long-time theorizer Sue. Thanks for the data, Sue! - When meeting the new neighbors, make sure the lady of the house receives a vigorous, enthusiastic hand shake so your wife can go in for the copping of the feel.

Theory #6 was posited by MisterFancyHotBalls 2. Thanks, MisterFancyHotBalls 2! - New NBC pilot: Pee-Wee Herman's older "Life Partner" realizes the onset of his Parkinson's just as Pee-Wee greets the 2 Broke Lesbian B's from across the hall in Apt. 2B.

(Joey from "Friends" also stars - not pictured)

This would NOT be funny.

Theory #1 - The passenger has convinced the driver that the windshield is dirty, so he navigates by poking his head out the side window. In reality, the passenger simply has his hat pulled down over his eyes. The driver does not know this, and is risking decapitation or a pulled trapezius muscle for nothing. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The driver has obviously missed the fact that the passenger has already bumped his head on the roof of the vehicle, making it clear that he never pays attention to his partner. This has been a frustrating theme for the couple in their relationship, and the driver will sleep on the couch again tonight. This is funny.

Theory #3 - Underfunded cities that cannot afford to maintain the roads also find it difficult to repair the leaf springs on their mail delivery trucks, due to budget constraints and a dwindling tax base. Law enforcement and public assistance take precedence over infrastructure spending. This is funny.

Theory #4 - Some vehicles in 1949 still required a crank to start the motor, and each postal route was handled by two letter carriers. This is funny.

[Commenter theories will be published in this peer-reviewed journal.   -Mgmt.]

Little Ads - Improve your health and whatever.

Amazing machine grows man's head. Ready to harvest in mere days.

There must be a joke to be made here, but I can't think of one. Sorry.

"Pandiculate". Latin for "to diculate from a distance". Superior to previous Pandiculator made from booklets. Not recommended for British MI-6 agents.

Flower Room - Good morning, you're blind.

Good morning Home Ec Floweristas! Are you ready to put some punch into a rusty old spare perfectly good bedroom? It's time to pour liquid hot color into your eyes with our retina-bouncing flower motif! Flower power!

Begin by sprinting down to your wallpaper store and head for the bin marked "returns". People are always bringing back wonderful papers that they let their daughters pick, only to find that they don't have the backbone to put it on their walls. Your eyes have backbone. Let's shout at them with some color! Grab several rolls of the most-flowered paper in the bin, and get home fast, before the sales staff, customers, or store neurologists can advise you against your decision.

Back at home, apply the paper using some kind of procedure. The great thing about our flowered wallpaper is that you don't need to do lots of "surface prep". You'd be hard pressed to notice if you got a pot roast stuck under the paper. Jut get the glue up there and toss up the paper. You could be really careful, but it won't make a difference.

There. Your walls have some color. Does the room still feel too echoey and non-cozy? Help the walls to close in a little with a mirror on the wall. You'd think that the mirror would add cavernous space to the room, but nope!

 If you hang the mirror at an inward angle, you can get that room-is-collapsing-on-me feeling that Van Gogh tried three times to get just right in his Bedroom in Arles painting. Good thing we got our bedroom perfect the first time! You'll also notice that, hung this way, the mirror adds all sorts of crazy angles to the room so that you'll have trouble finding the door. Who'd want to leave anyway? You don't want to leave. Don't leave. The room is too precious.

Now add a bed cube with a quilted flower bedspread, some flowers, some other flowers, a book of flowers, some plants, some vases with flowers, and some pretend Greek statues, and your bedroom will seem to hug you so hard you'll think it has abandonment issues. Now never leave the room or it will make you pay. No, really. Don't you dare try to leave the room. Good morning!

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No post today - P.S. This is not a post.

There will be no post today on Phillip Are Go! No. This is not a post. If this were a post there would be one, right? This is an announcement-pology thing. Anyway, please enjoy this drawing of Arnold I did about a hundred and six years ago.

Proper post tomorrow. Also cookies.

[-Mgmt.]

1969 Buick leSabre - Low. Rye. Duh.

Today's two-page ad from Buick features a car in the perfectly plausible environment of Somewhere In The Middle Of Montana, where there's horses. For some reason, this made people buy cars.

Those are horses back there, but this car sure looks to me like it's dragging it's ass. I'm used to seeing cars of this vintage in poor condition with broken leaf springs in the back. The bumper has been filed away to half it's original thickness by the pavement. But this car is factory fresh. Were they really that low? I know the grass makes it look lower than it really ism but holy smokes. It could also be an illusion, based on the fact that the car was thirty feet long. There could actually be eighteen inches of ground clearance under there.

Anyway, please enjoy the bigger version with the not-very-well removed magazine crotch going through the center of the ad. The Photoshopping Brigade gets no dessert with their happy meal today. They must have

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Toilet gun.

Joke #1 - The "wascally wabbit" eventually did, in fact, come out of there. But even after being properly stewed with potatoes and cranberries, the rest of the Fudd family wanted nothing to do with it.

Joke #2 - Every November, energy-conscious homeowners may choose to seal every last gap in their house with a high-quality silicone caulk, to keep out the chill. However, this may also "keep in the chili".

Joke #3 - In later decades, cheeky gossipers would develop a simpler way to pantomime a ribald visual innuendo about the act of love using only the fingers. This new method eliminated the need for props and a bathroom, allowing the making of innuendos virtually anywhere that gossipers met.

Joke #4 - The Toilet Drill is available in two sizes: the standard model, which uses a 18v battery pack, and the "Brazilian Steakhouse" model, powered by a Briggs & Stratton 2-stroke engine.

Joke #5 - An ordinary morning at EIB Broadcasting.

Joke #6 - An early model clockwork flush toilet, whose mechanism required daily winding.

Joke #7 - ...If the toilet still won't flush, try a larger gun. Or consider calling a team of professional plumbers, who will require municipal authorization to use shaped charges to restore service.

Joke #8 - "...But if we outlaw toilet rifles, then only the criminals will have toilet rifles! Is that the world you want to live in?"

Joke #9 - "You can have my poo gun when you pry it from my cold, constipated hands."

Joke #10 was excreted from the brain of Misterfancyhotballs2. Thanks, Fancy! - Inventor gives new meaning to the term "it's a crap shoot".

Joke #11 was mysteriously left in a brown paper bag on our doorstep by Anonymous 2. Get off our lawn, Anonymous 2! -  Jim hated Friday nights, and the slogan: "Fill'er Up! at Johnny's All You Can Eat Truck Stop". He thought the truckers knew it really only meant fuel. He also hated the term "Service With A Smile". Why, oh why, did he take the Mens' Room Maitre d' position? 

[ Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt. ]

Realsilk - feature the women, part 2. It's a beauty way to go.

More "man pushed into the background" news today (not that we mind), also from our 1949 bureau. This time the hapless guy is being upstaged for Real Silk Hosiery Mills, Inc. Take off, you hosier-y!

Silk things are for men and women. Men wear ties, bullet proof vests made from spider silk, and, uuh, possibly other silk things. (Look that up for yourself, because the Research and Googling Things Team has put their foot down on that one.) Women wear everything else silk. I'm pretty sure even women's cars are made of silk, but there's no way to find out, so let's just assume that's true. Incidentally, this is exactly how new facts are made, especially if you're on a super PAC committee.

Formerly funny man Tim Conway. Officially out of material since 1987.

Not much to report here. Lady in foreground, fully illuminated so we can see her full person, because hubba hubba. (Beauty, eh?) Guy in the background with unseen legs, probably because he's standing on a milk crate or has no shins, like Dorf. It's nice to see Shinless Americans getting jobs despite their handicap. Also, it's good to see a guy with no feet managing to land a woman of pinup-magnitude hotness. It gives hope to us all, even those of us blessed with the miracle of shins.

























































Bob & Doug Mckenzie's song, "Take Off" can't be embedded because of some lawyer douchebaggery on the part of Universal media Group. Hosers, one and all. So, here's a link to a FaceTube video.

You may also want to read up on the origin of the Canadian pejorative term "hoser". The information in the brief Wikipedia article is possibly accurate. Definitely amusing.

Barbasol - Feature the women, part 1.

Back when paper magazines were relevant enough to make you ponder things, I used to ponder the irony that men's magazines heavily featured pictures of women, and women's magazines heavily featured pictures of women. If you're trying to sell to someone, you're probably better off with a woman in your ad. This is interesting, but not baffling.

This 1949 ad for Barbasol is (duh) aimed at men, despite the fact that most men got their shaving supplies by having their wives pick them up. You know:  "Honey, when you go shopping, can you get me some barbasol?"

This picture technically shows a couple fishing, but the visual language of the painting tells us that the man is not nearly as important as the woman. He's mostly a sketch, and he doesn't even exist below the shoulders. The lady is complete, and is fully rendered head to toe. Not surprisingly, the red spot color was used for her outfit - red being the universal color of excitement, danger, sex, blood, and most of the positive human associations.

This painting was, in all likelihood, heavily referenced, meaning the artist didn't just paint it all right out of his/her head. Models were hired for either a live posing or a photo shoot, and that became the reference for the painting.

Even though this Barbasaol ad is not a Gil Elvgren piece, he's the example I always think of when talking about reference for a painting. Elvgren made himself famous painting pinups in the forties and fifties. There are lots of photos of his studio setups that allow you to see how he used reference (usually live models) for his paintings. It can be really interesting to see how much of a painting was "faked in" by Gil - especially the head, which was often drastically different in the final piece. In the picture below, you can see that the painting shows the girl sitting in bright sunlight, even though the model was posing indoors. Elvgren was really good. He could improvise things that weren't there, to such a degree that even a crabby old pro like myself doesn't question the painting. He must have been pretty fast, too. A girl can't hold her arms up like that forever.

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