Everybody But Me is Shit

Other Statues

Tell Me Again

Aww, Jeez, Your Dad Got Out.

Solving Home Problems - Floor, damper, small boy.

Let's Stay Away from Animals

When You take the Wheel - Unfavorable conditions.

When You Take the Wheel - Lane infringement.

When You Take the Wheel - Car choice.

Learn karate at home faster this easy picture way!

You at reading! Yes you! Stop read and get karate at home and learn this easy picture way! Not words way! Self should be defend against all! Words bad! Go karate on words, POW!

Are you tired of being bullied by giants, with their baffling quotation marks and words they say that aren't easy like pictures are? Learn karate! Not with words! Picture way!

Fear no man or giant! Brutes and muggers are also not a problem. However, no mention of knolls, goblins, orcs, or bugbears, though. It's possible they all have some sort of anti-karate AOE spell that nullifies your picture-way karate. Beware all non-brutes, non-giants, non-muggers, and non-mans.

No "mumbo jumbo". It's possible that mumbo jumbo would be effective against orcs, goblins, etc., but cannot be taught in easy picture way. For proper mumbo jumbo training, see Deepak Chopra, Dr. Oz, or Gwyneth Paltrow.

Karate expert splits 1" x 2" board with one swift blow of hand. Once again, the karate ad is foiled by its greatest enemy, the quotation mark. A one-inch by two-inch board would indeed be hard to split with your hand, but simpler still to just throw it away. If that's a one by two inch board in the picture, it's good to know our President once found work as a hand model. Zing!

This practice dummy is "suitable for mounting". Assuming that the mounting in question is of the "stick it on a wall" type and not the "humping like a baboon" kind, the same could be said of the beer-soaked cocktail napkin that is stuck to the ceiling of my basement rumpus room. It better be suitable for mounting, cause it's definitely mounted to the ceiling.

It seems that the wiener punch is an attack - wups, sorry! - "attack" that you can only learn from intense picture training, with the benefit of a paper poster practice dummy.  Don't all toddlers learn this special move by dint of simple trial and error? Could it be that all children have special karate picture-way training? Are we to assume that all kids also are expert in the nostril punch and the formidable thumb attack?

Best to just avoid kids, people.

Car Owner's Handbook - Wheels and tires.

The friendly cat.

When You Take the Wheel - Undead.

Click it to big it.

When You Take the Wheel - First-time car buyer.

The March of Science #8

Spot the Joke - "Men's interest" magazines.

Today, we present a challenge to the Phil Are GO! Joke-Getting Assault Squad (JGAS), our hand-picked group of the most charitable and sympathetic staffers. Their task? To figure out why these are comics. It sounds easy, but man, nothing could be harder or less funny. Do you think you understand why these comics are comical? See if you can Spot The Joke! The JGAS's analysis is posted after each "comic".

Today's joke challenges come to us from the May, 1962 issue of Inside Story magazine, and the April, 1961 issue of Man's World magazine, respectively. It's time to spot the joke!

Challenge #1 - The Castaways:

Theory #1 - Castaway A's need for a continuing stream of available new shoes stems from his companion's mysterious habit of regurgitating nails all over the tiny island, which are painful. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The land mass they're trapped on was once much larger, and supported by a huge pile of men's shoes. Over the years, the two men have eaten all the shoes, which is a harsh reminder for us all to be better custodians of our precious resources. This is funny.

Theory #3 - Many special-purpose shoes (competitive cycling shoes, electrical linemen's boots) have a resilient stiffening component in the sole, called a "last". To say "that's the last of the shoes" implies that the men have eaten the lasts in the shoes, which are made of nylon, and as a result, are actually inedible. This is funny.

Challenge #2 - The Applicant:

Theory #1 - The would-be employee claims to run slowly. Therefore, she must be a far better pitcher
than hitter. As a result, the man is eager to have her as the new pitcher on the company softball team. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The applicant's slowness means that she won't be taking long stretches of time off of work to train for the Olympics, which is good news to her prospective boss. This is funny.

Theory #3 - The applicant's alleged slowness means that absenteeism due to workplace injuries will be kept to a minimum. This is funny.

Theory #4 - The man has clearly suffered a long career of sexual harassment at the hands of his secretaries. Therefore, he is reassured by her claimed slow-footedness that he could escape her unwanted advances if he needed to. This is funny.

Men's Fantasy Stories

Fight Drowsiness When Driving

Tru-Site - Dog. Fneh. Dog. Dog.

Werbert liked dog. Dog nice. Werbert get up very extra early to be with dog before school start.

Werbert hurry through eat breakfast. One boiled egg, and one toast. Hurry to see dog! Werbert hands flap as he run down hallway to get to dog, that hang on wall by front door. Werbert used to call front door "dront door", but not any more. Werbert get smarter now. Practice say "effs". Werbert think dog like him better now.

There was dog! Right where yesterday! Fneh! Werbert laugh in mouth to see dog! Big laugh in mouth! Dog dog dog! Werbert get up close to dog. Feel good see dog. Werbert press face on dog. Feel cool on face. Cool flat dog. Werbert stay by dog till time for go school. Maybe three hour? Werbert not sure. Mom say when time go school.

Nice dog. Feel nice be by dog. Fneh.

When You Take the Wheel - Safety on the road.