Chuck's General Store

Captions - The Street Hit.

Joke #1 - "Hi, Bruce! Hey, how was your meal at Wumuwuw's Cafe? I saw it had a few starts on Yelp and I was thinking of taking the wife there this Friday, and I just saw you coming out and I thought 'Well, there's a bit of luck!' and I thought I'd get your opin... aw, hell."

Joke #2 - "Bruce! I hope you didn't have the salmon! Some of the fellas said it's a bit past it's sell by date and.... Oh, good!"

Joke #3 - "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possib- OW! Fucker!"

Joke #4 - A scene representative of a only couple of Uber transactions... per hour.

Joke #5 - And with that, Bruce finally understood that people no longer appreciated his Al Jolson impression.

Joke #6 - "Bruce! Nooooo!" Johnny shouted through his tears. The night howled its terrible ordinary silence as the life of another honest detective was snuffed out, and Johnny swore to Bruce's memory that he would memorialize the scene in a diorama in his HO-scale train layout.

Joke #7 comes to us courtesy of Jon B! Thanks, JB! -  Bruce: "Johnny don't jump, you can w..." (gets shot and dies)Mobster: "Come on Johnny jump, let's see ya do it"

No sooner had we rolled our captions posts out of unintended semiretirement than long-time jokemaker Mr. FancyWarmPants_2 resurfaces to offer us joke #8. Thanks, MFWP_2! Joke #8 - "This looks like a job for 'Glowing Yellow Fedora Man'!!", thought Clark, as he observed the chaos on the street below..."Too bad I just shit my pants!" he exclaimed, having never actually witnessed a murder before. He then duck-walked back inside, hanging up his fedora & dreams of becoming a crimefighter altogether.
Mr. FancyWarmPants_2

Joke #9 - "Heeeeeyyy, macaren-UGH!" *thud*

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Can't Find My Keys

Asshole Safari

Coal Pile Games

Teacher Pants

Billy in the park.

Ginn Basic Readers - Which God is Real?

Nursery Rhymes of Horror and the Macabre

Poor Sprinkles

Joe and the Stone

Lyon Aftermarket Wheel Accessories - Gorandupa dorifto!

Hey, tuners! I bet you're sitting there assuming you invented the idea of buying stupid geegaws to stick on your car, pretending it makes it faster or something. I have two words for you. Nuh uh! Allow this 1949 ad to bitch slap the cluelessness right off your clueless face.

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Back when Detroit was a manufacturing powerhouse and not just a potential war zone, Lyon was HQ'd there, inventing lots of (mostly) decorative stuff for your car's wheels (mostly). Wheel covers seemed to be their meat and potatoes, as we see in this ad, but they also invented the bumper! Hm! Hat tip to the inventor of the bumper, George Albert Lyon.

Back in '49, tires were narrow and sidewalls were tall, but check out the fender gap on that Oldsmobuick. You think your Integra is stanced? Grampa's whip is hella flush, yo! Country Buffet Dorifto!!!

There's a thing I say, and that thing is this: Ahem. "Nothing is too stupid to become popular." Adhesive Ventiports. The bafflingly popular "I have just shat my trousers" look. Paying two dollars for ten seconds of a song to use as a ringtone when you could have bought the whole song for ninety-nine cents. The worship of hillbillies driving rapidly in a circle. Fifty inch chrome wagon wheel rims that cost more than the vehicle that wears them, with a rubber band of tire stretched around them. You see now that this is true.

Well, apparently, Lyon made snap-on metal whitewalls. I'll give you a minute to retrieve your monocle from your tea, where it fell (in slow motion) after reading that.

This is a slightly conical ring of stainless steel, painted white. It snaps to your rim, and makes it look like you have shiny, bright whitewalls. My dad liked whitewalls. I grew up in The Seventies, a little after the heyday of whitewalls, and I looked to my dad for guidance regarding whitewalls. "Father, why are whitewalls good? What, precisely, the fuck?" I asked him. In his ineffable wisdom, my father said "They look nice". I have never seen the point of whitewalls, but apparently some people were so into them, they wanted shiny metal ones that could potentially outlive the tire. I'd be interested to see how nice they looked when they inevitably got bent and dented, and the paint chipped off.

And now, a prediction. Ahem again. As global warming creates crazier and more brutal winters, cities will continue to fail to devote enough time and resources to pothole repair. So, potholes will become bigger, more numerous, and will be a problem year-round. In the spring, a "repaired pothole" will consist of a lining of asphalt in the bowl of a car-swallowing crater. This part is already becoming true. Okay, time for the prediction: There will be available for purchase, special "pothole tires". These will be specialty tires that are extra thick and extra expensive, claiming to protect you from pinchfats. Maybe they'll have kevlar belts. Maybe they'll just have thicker carcasses or a ridge that prevents the rim from cutting the tire when the tire compresses under force. But they'll be heavier and more expensive than normal tires. Just like winter tires, they'll be another type of specialty tire for people in certain climates to consider.

Anyway, I hope you like halftone pattern, becuase here are the clip art guys from today's Lyon ad. Isn't it ironic that, in an ad for automotive products, the image of the smart, happy customer looks exactly like he's hitchhiking? You're welcome in three, two, one, YOUREWELCOMENOW!!!

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Oh, you know.

Really no need to explain how to see the big one at this point, is there?

Wheaties' Wheirdest Ad

This looks like a standard, monumentally unfunny comic in The Saturday Evening Post, but it's actually a monumentally unfunny ad for Wheaties. Wheird. Was this something they used to do? Stealth ads? I guess advertisers are always keep to trick you into reading an ad... because, nothing makes people buy stuff like being tricked and (probably) annoyed, right?

Anyway, like most corporate humor, this ad is basically humorless, unless you're the type that finds personal mutilation funny. Hmm, maybe the ad is kind of funny after all? Anyway, let's see if we can "plus it up", as they say in The Biz...

EDIT: This wasn't a normal captions post, so it didn't occur to me to tack on the "Commenter jokes will be added" yadda yadda. But, since Jim D. has chosen to be a wisenheimer (Yep! I said it!) and throw in a new caption. O Come all Ye Jokeful.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

From Jim D. - "Man! At least you're not gonna need a new glove!

Gulfpride Oil - Your short woody.

Hey! Nice ad for.... "Gulfpride" oil? When did they drop the "pride"? The Google isn't easily forthcoming with the story on that. Maybe one of our Alert Readers has this information contained in-brain?

Nice rendering of the car. It still puzzles me why they so often use a painting for old ads instead of a nice simple photo. Anyway, the car's too long. Here, let me get that for you...

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Kentucky Club Tobacco - Get pipe happy! You know what I mean.

So you're sitting there feeling all smug because we in the U.S. are so progressive with our (gradual) freedom to marry who you want and our (gradual) freedom to enjoy a drug that presents no more health risks than other drugs that have been legal for decades. Well, get a load of 1949! Two well-dressed men getting pipe happy, staring deep into each other's pipes and falling in love. Nothing to see here. Just selling a little tobacco.

Yep! who knows what those dapper gents will be up to in an hour or so? Maybe they'll be getting pipe happy all over again? To help you ponder, please enjoy this clip art extraction from today's ad, contrasted and titied up a little, for your miscellaneous pasting-in pleasure. Graphic Gift coming your way in three, two, one, GRAPHICGIFTINCOMING!!!! You're welcome!

You know, Bertrand, it's times like this when I play Pet Shop Boys tunes while staring deep into your smoke and I find it hard to remember my wif'e's name.

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Stormy Night

Joke #1 - Disoriented, slurring, and woozy, he staggered into the road. Wilford Brimley had gotten ahold of some bad oatmeal.

Joke #2 - "No, sir. I'm sorry. We haven't got any hookers. How bout it we just drop you off at the Capitol Building?"

Joke #3 - Disoriented, slurring, and woozy, he staggered into the road, hoping the driver could spare some oxycontin... maybe in return for a "favor"? This should have been the bottom of the barrel, but for Limbaugh, this was called "Saturday".

Joke #4 - "Grandpa, this is NOT how flash mobs work!"

Joke #5 - "Please come back home, dad. I was joking. B.J. and the Bear is not cancelled."

Joke #6 - "Sir? I don't think you're allowed to park that there."

Joke #7 - "Eeew! Honey, keep driving! I'ts Carl Rove!"

Joke #8 - Ever since the government chose to regulate the sale of cheap, imported gorilla costumes, Yeti sightings had gotten more and more pathetic.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

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1949 Hudson - See the Hudson Centipede.

In your new '49 Hudson, you can park anywhere you like. Drive straight through the midway. It's fine, because everyone wants to see your giant Hudson, with physically impossible "step down" design. By the way, what is that supposed to mean? When you get in a car, you're almost always standing on the ground. How can the floor of the car be lower than the pavement? No matter. It's just advertising, and if you start thinking, then you're a terrible person.

Yep. Your Hudson is a real showstopper, but you know what? It's not showstopper enough. If you want to send them screaming from the tent, you need the Hudson Centipede. Four axles and four fender skirts, just to keep things modest. Here's the 1949 Hudson Centipede on a transparent alpha card, ready to horrify the other graphics on your hard drive. Don't say I didn't warn you. Get your rude finger ready to right-click-save this little crime against humanity into your HDD's freakshow in three, two, one, RIGHT CLICK SAVE CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY NOW! You're welcome!

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The wallet.

Joke #1 - "I know adolescence can be a confusing time, Bertrand.. Here's the name of the doctor that performed my first three gender deassignment-reassignment-unassgnment-reversals."

Joke #2 - "I'm sorry about your father's heart attack, Bertrand. This is hard on all of us. He wanted you to have this. It's his Blimpie Club Card. Two more purchases and you get a free meatball sub."

Joke #3 - "I can't say I approve of your hobbies, Bertrand, but I know I can't stop you. But, please just be safe. Keep this for a rainy day. It's a get-out-of-Facebook-free card."

Joke #4 - Whoops. Mother had found his "just in case" condom. Boy, that brought back memories. Fourth grade seemed like it was only yesterday.

Jim D. sends us this very detailed and intricate Joke #5, almost as if he's thought this through more than once, and veeery carefully. Thanks, Jim. Remind me not to cross you! - Bertrand couldn't help smirking as he thought how easily it had gone in actuality, after all their hours of planning. And Patricia's pathetic worry about whether the dogs . . . he realized he hadn't answered her question. "Of course it's safe to hock the watch. Just do it next time you're across the state line in Sioux City. But we'll have to do something about his name on all the furniture. Why don't you work on that while I show this 'sexy I.O.U.' to a certain school board member. I have a feeling that's where we can make this job REALLY pay!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Paris Afternoon

Joke #1 - Tony let his guard down for a few seconds, but that was just long enough for a tribe of native Frenchmen to dart him with a baguette. Days later, he would awake under a hedge wearing a stripey shirt and a neckerchief, reeking of gauloises.

Joke #2 - The timeless romance of a lazy French afternoon. Gentle breezes, a loaf of french bread, the enchanting honking of motorists and their shouts of "Get out of ze fahking rrroad, idiot!"

Joke #3 - "ttttthhHPP!" Even here in 1949 Paris, and disguised as a tourist, Conan could not hide from Thulsa Doom and his deadly snake-arrows.

Joke #4 comes to us from frequent flyer Monseiur Le FancyChaudBoules_Deux AKA - The Lampwick Bandit. Thanks, mister Boules! - "You'll never steal THIS lampwick!! - Not while I'M on duty!!" screamed Jacques Le Strappe'. " I dare you to try!!" "I'll pummel you with my loaf of day old US bread, if you do!!" he went on. Needless to say, this was Jacques last day on the job. [Editor's note: You might try calling the bread "freedom bread", now that we're in the post-Bush era.  -Mgmt.]

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

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Spot the Joke - Ping Pong

The Saturday Evening Post was America's non-threatening comfort food of the brain. It strived for mass appeal by angering no one and being as agreeable to mainstream culture as humanly possible. So, of course there can be no better recipe for great cartoons and a cutting wit, right? Please join the Phil Are GO! Joke-getting Assault Squad in a bit of joke archaeology. Help us figure out what exactly is the joke in this comic from America's blandest news source, the Saturday Evening Post. Help us Spot the Joke!

Theory #1 - The wife likes to make her husband bend over a lot, because he has a prosthetic pelvis that is subject to a manufacturer recall and is due for replacement. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The man needs to lose a little weight, so his wife chose this moment to exaggerate his width, by acting as though she hit the ball "his way", as if he were twenty feet wide. This is funny.

Theory #4 - Hoping to add a little spice to their domestic life, the couple has agreed to play ping pong to decide who will extract information from the prisoners this evening. This is funny.

Theory #3 - That's not a ping pong ball. This is funny.


Jim D. has found a clue! Theory #4, coming your way! - Lamp is set low enough to interfere with husband's vision, high enough for wife's line of sight to be clear. Wife's continuous pretense that she can't see exactly where husband is standing bamboozles husband into thinking playing field is level. Loser subject to extreme sexual humiliation. Thus, wife's statement is sarcastic. Sarcasm is funny.
You see, back in them days, readers was willing to work a little extra harder to "get" the joke. Not like us modern-age devolved folk, who are so dependent on instant gratification that we even resort to watching SpongeBob episodes speeded up on YouTube!


Theory #4 comes to us from "anonymous", doing a very poor job of concealing his identity. - In an attempt to retrieve the ping pong ball, the Wife expels gas in the Husband's direction & feels the need to "warn him" of the impending nasal offense - in his typical fashion. This is funny, in a vengeful sense.

- Mr.FancyHotPants_2 

[Commenter theories will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]