No tongues.

Dunekrullgalacticaflashwarsrunner.

Escape from the Stoner Planet

Worried Sick

Fan hit

Oops my gun.

Expedition to planet Inside-Your-Nose

Needy Planet

Let Me Drive?

You Call That an Interest Rate?

The Girl on the Wall

Easily Prepared Variegated Nutrient orbs

Up Your Decor - Such art!

Hey there, compulsive decorators! Do you think we've decorated together very recently, and we should leave things be for a while? Well, you're a horrible person!!!! Go to hell!!! All of you who are left, let's decorate it like it's on fayaahhh!

Oooooh! So very rustic! So rough! Even the windows look like they were hacked from a glass tree with an axe! This room is simply thrusting with coarse, brutal masculinity! It's almost violent in it's passion! I bet Gronk would just love the hell out of it! Do you think Gronk would like sleeping here? I bet he'd feel right
at home among the Orcishly hewn beams. I think he'd be so inspired with brutal urges that he'd just grab the nearest lady and express all his masculinity in every way possible and stuff! Wow, doesn't it just
make you feel... gosh, is it hot in here? Wowie wow wow. Moving on...

This mathematically impossible Escher-realm is devilishly designed by Meek VanDerWhirl, and cannot be expressed in a three-dimensional reality. The chair-and-end-table feature will make you think there's a mirror dividing the room, but there isn't!!! Hey! Let's examine the art objects hanging on the wall object!

Oh my goodness! It's Tor Johnson's seminal work "Tears of my Feces"!
The lucky person that lives in this tesseract of sophistication is a
discerning collector!

Gasp! And the other art is Erno Bleah's "Shiny Oprah Considering Going
Upstairs"! I thought this one was destroyed in the Completely Reasonable
Art Riots of 1966! I'm so glad I was wrong!

Wow! After all that artistic appreciation, I feel the need to retire to the extradimensional null-space
at the top of the stairs. Won't you create a spacetime transgression with me and share a cup of tea?

This otherwise conventional space is screaming with verve and dynamism, thanks to the clever
designer's choice of arts! Let's go in for a closer artlook, shall we?

Aah, yes I thought it might have been, and it is! This is Melba Fishwhistle's powerful work "Unshaven Fan with Partial Whiskers".

And this is Helmut  Lazenglint's "You Call That a Signature?". It really makes you want to rethink how you feel about writing someone else's name without paying attention, doesn't it?

Next, we find Stephanie Japanwich's "Mid-Spurt"! 

Just in case you think that art is all about not pinching combs, this painting is here to completely
blow your mind! "Pinched Comb" artist Gloverick Wheent does not apologize for destroying your world view! Boom!

Oh my word. I never thought I'd see it in person, but this piece is more overwhelming than I
thought it'd be. This example of genius is Beaufort Hamkirk's career-defining sculpture, "You Idiots Will Buy Anything And I Fucking Hate You". My gosh, I could stare at this piece for days. So much to learn from it. That's enough decorating for today, decorators.
I'm spent!

Behold, the distant future! The world of 1999!

Citizens, I'm sure you often wonder what The Future will be like. Well, you can thank the Philco corporations (no relation) for making, and FaceTuber "Stakker" for posting this 1969 film The Year 1999 A.D.! That's a lot of nines! Will there still be humans, or will the world simply be populated by a master race of nines? What wonders await? What horrors? Well, look for these horrorwonders in the fantastic year of 1999 A.D.!!!!!!!

-The pacing and tone of life in 1999 will be eerie and weird (probably stoned), but that may just be the 1969 film makers.

-Music will be chosen and played seemingly at random.

-As many things that can possibly be "disposable" will be "disposable". Presumably, the Earth will be orbited by at least fifty moons, all made of garbage.

-Many sentences will be cut off by a jumpcut, and you'll never know what the person was trying to s-

-All members of the family will use marvellous technology, but women will use it to perpetuate their subjugation to men, making (frozen) meals to order, and relying on their husbands to control all money and make all decisions.

-Every task performed by a computer will require a separate piece of hardware, with the home office filled with boxes and screens. Imagine all the machines we'll get to buy for all our technically-assisted tasks!

1999 is going to be a great future. I can't wait! Can you also not wait? You really should consider being unable to wait.




Just for good measure, here's Flight of the Conchords doing The Distant Future / Robots, about life in the year 2000. What a marvellous time it shall be!

Up Your Decor - Patterns for Spring!

Good morning decorators! Vorbia here, with another pile of fresh, steaming ideas for your interiors! Well, it's really looking like Spring is about to go "sproink!" around here! What better way to welcome the birds and butterflies into your house than with some fun, splashy designs that are as timeless as they are interesting! That's right! No better way!

How do your eyes know they're alive? I know, it's a question as old as time itself! One thing's for sure,
you'll know they're alive when they're vibrating in their sockets like a couple of bumblebees! Black
against white is the theme for this breezy patio sunroom! That fabulous fabric selection brings so much
 life the space that we ran it right up onto the ceiling! You'll think you've died and gone to visit Genghis
Khan or something! Better put some extra money in the meter: your horse will be parked here for a while!

Ooooo! This lucky room was saved from the boringness of its beige walls by rich blue velvet chairs and matching carpet! Everyone needs a sofa in their bedroom for those kicky laundry-folding parties! Nothing keeps a pattern company like another totally different pattern, and that's what the bed and sofa are doing
for the carpet.

This lucky room also has not one but two paintings by famous artists!...

"Victoria with Two Right Arms" by Arnhelta Fnu...

...and "My love is Like a Sausage Bound with String", by Gortrand Drinkwater.

This sun-kissed breakfast solarium is the perfect place to unwind with a glass of cooking sherry or a can of mineral spirits! Whether your game is mahjong or super-crowded-chess, you'll want to stagger around your solar all afternoon, which is just fine, because there's no door! The carpet's flowers keep your mood bouncy, and the sunny walls will have those carpet-flowers positively blooming with springiness! Oh! What's that I see? Another art!!!

Why, it's Blobligliani's "Barbie House in the Triassic"!
This piece is bound to go up in value in seventy million
years or so!

The brightly painted wooden floors of this rustic living room will make you feel like you're sitting on your porch... but with curtains!!! Boldly patterned fabrics and the old-timey, partially-functional furniture
capture that this-house-is-owned-by-an-eight-year-old-girl feeling that simply everyone is going kooky
for this season. Besides, if you really need to take a load off, you can always go sit in the yard!

UPDATE: Diligent Reader John did us the service of removing that boring old floor in the black and white sunroom so that we can all have some fun dressing it up with exciting new spring patterns, everyone! See?

This one now has a jazzy leopard skin carpet! Rowerr!

Here's the version with a clear floor so you can play along at home! How many ways can you improve it?

Up Your Decor - How's your interior?

It's winter, decorators! And that means it's time to get excited about some winter interiors! How's your interior? It's time to give your interior a good hard look and decorate the heck out of it!

Spring will sproink at your house if you fill a room with this fabulous fern theme! Little Spermfort and Doilette just love to sit in repose, lazing away any old afternoon in a pink pinafore and blue sport coat. Spermfort is playing with a hilarious mesh shower sponge and Doilette can't keep her eyes off the action! Spermfort's showing a lot of leg today, for some reason! Oh, that little rascal! You just can't keep pants on that lad! Just be sure to keep your hands out of the punch bowl in the curio cabinet, kids - we're saving it for Easter!

"What shall I play with this morning, mother dear?" "You may play with the hearse for one hour, Crumulus, for then it will be time for your Remaining Perfectly Still in the Darkness practice." Your house will have the warm coziness of a chest cavity with this "Arterial Daydream" treatment from Galthen Valdheim & Sons Interiors! It's just the thing to take the chill out of those early spring mornings when the icy glare of the morning sun is more than your tender eyes can handle! The white cat may seem a little out-of-theme, but she'll feel just right on your lap while you're monologuing to that pesky MI6 agent that somehow got past your ravenous mechanical lobsters!

Bright and cheery is the name of the game in your new "Flower Imperative" kitchen! The walls simply scream "happy" and the refrigerator says "right now"... as if there was any question! Your family will know how much effort you put into your positive attitude every time they try to have a meal! Tasteful restraint is shown in the simple brick pattern of the flooring! But you never know - just ahead is a whole weekend to go out a pick up some more wallpaper! Why not add it to the shopping list on the chalkboard, after "guttfe", "aeqkc", "padge", and "divee"!

Ooo, la la! Your every movement will be like a tinkling, golden symphony in this bathroom by Flavio Garotti. It's "tres eleganto"! The carpet is the perfect absorbent solution to your various bathtime drippings, and the swirlicues of the fixtures will make everything you do feel just a little less strenuous! Who's the most sophisticated princess in the whole bathroom? You are, stupid! Don't use the soap! It's decorative! Don't use that one either! It's just for company. Maybe there's some regular soap under the sink or something? Wee, monsieur!

These Savage Futurians - Hey. Why so savage, Futurians?

Today we have another Terrific Sci-Fi paperback cover. This time, it's 1967's These Savage Futurians, a book about a time when human civilization is near collapse, and for some reason, clever people with curious minds are persecuted and driven into hiding. By looking at the cover, it's about Gil Gerard, who is imprisoned inside a really huge atom, which is carried around by a gigantic blue guy. Then some Futurians come by and say "Hey, Bluey. Why be such a jerk to Gil?"

As anyone whose watched Star trek can tell you, in the future, everyone will wear their pants tucked into little boots. That's how you know the book's story takes place in some kind of future where Earth's trouser-tucking technology is pretty advanced.

I might actually read this book. It looks kind of interesting - especially for 1967, when science fiction was, err, shall we say "slightly skewed for the stoned reader who likes things to move slowly"? Amazon's summary gives me a little hope for These Savage Futurians, though:

Don't think new thoughts, don't improve anything, don't wander over the next hill. These were the commandments for the men and women of the experimental village - one of those careful nurtured settlements established after the collapse of world civilization. The rules were made by the benevolent Masters of the Island - and they had to be obeyed. To disobey was to be destroyed. But Robert Ventnor, villager with a dangerously high quotient of curiosity, was the exception. He fled - and evaded liquidation. But he fled right into the hands of THESE SAVAGE FUTURIANS and thereby supplied the key that could blast apart civilization's second chance and destroy the world once and for all.

What kind of topsy-turvy hellscape would it be if willful ignorance ruled the land, and there was a widespread mistrut of anyone who seemed "too clever"? What would a presidential race look like in such a time? Good thing that will never happen! Go watch Idiocracy again and tell yourself it will never happen.

Anyway, this cover painting is so non-specific and vague it could be used for just about any book. Don't believe me? Listen to me now and hear me later. Stand back....

What's that? Think you can do better? Get some!

Click for 1600 px.

Expo '67 - The future was then!

Breaking news now, from Expo '67! Everything will look cool in the future! No it didn't. The actual future seldom lives up to the giddy optimism of the World's Fair. Ah well. We'll always have these pictures from the April 28th, 1967 issue of LIFE magazine.

The Australian pavilion. Nope. Those picto-trumpets aren't video screens. They're just backlit photos. Expensive and elaborate? Check. Cool looking? Super check. Loud? Not check.

The Cuban pavilion, which came in a flat box and was assembled with a 5mm hex wrench (included) in about three hours.

The Jenga Japan pavilion.

La Ronde, a futuregasmic amusement park just inside the gates of the expo.

Bacardi Rum - Blame it on Bacardi.

Hey! Who misses Nineteen Sixty-Seven? Ladies? Anyone? No ladies? Want a little slice of why? Just ask Bacardi.

Well, this classy gent is just mixing some drinks for his daughters, who look on with fascination. Why would women know how to mix drinks? Only men know that, baby! It's what makes this old guy such compelling company.

Let's see. One, two, three... nine drinks for four poeple. three of whom probably weigh a hundred ten soaking wet. And, there's more where that came from. Dad is just getting started on that second bottle.

Wow! They're going to need those drinks, at the rate the rum isn't coming out. It'll be a while. That must be the new Bacardi Maple Shyrup (when you have Bacardi on your pancakes, there are no esses). He's got that bottle parallel with the horizon, but it's moving pretty slow. If only there was a way for one man and his three grown daughters to pass the time in class and style...

Here's another little tune spewed out by my old fake band, Blue Wank, sometimes misspelled as "Wamk" depending on who was putting the letters on the marquee that night. We recorded this one at Freeda's End of the Beginning of Summer Cabana Hootenanny. We'd like you to remember that everything we recorded was completely made up as we go'ed. That's why it sounds made up as we went. Just think of the tracks we DIDN'T keep! You're welcome, and I'm so sorry! If you hate it, Blame it on Bacardi.

Click for big.