Sportsmanlike Driving - Accidents

Sportsmanlike Driving, Pt 11 - Pedestrian, how do we kill thee? Let you count the way.

All right, New Drivers, it's high time you learn how you'll probably die on the road. Walking! Why? Find out!

Look at this crazy fellow. What could possess a man to march around behind a giant question mark like that?

What? He's in LOVE? Yes, it's LOVE, "The Noisy Killer." Protect yourself, citizens. Never fall in love. And if you accidentally do fall in love, get out of it, hopefully by luncheon time, when you'll be walking down to the Hammed-Burger stand at the corner, your head in a murderous cloud of Love, while you cross the road, a lamb to the slaughter. To be extra-sure, try to stay "in hate" at all times, so that even if you fall in love once, your state will then just be "normal", and still be able to fulfill your role as an Alert Pedestrian.

Sportsmanlike Driving, Pt. 10 - Driving! Doing it. How to?

Today, we cover another chapter of Sportsmanlike Driving. Today's topic is on "the rules of the road" or "how to drive and stuff".

Fig. 171 shows you the importance of signaling when you plan to pass on the shoulder.

But always lookout for the always dangerous "Atak Trucks". You should only pass these vehicles with another "sacrificial car" between you and this potentially deadly monster, as shown in Fig. 171.

In busy cities during times of heavy traffic., lanes may run in different directions, depending on the time of day. This is why it's so important to to be sure your watch is synchronized with the State Traffic Clock, to avoid a moist, chunky-style death.

In wintery conditions, special precautions must be taken:
1. test road conditions by stopping your car and examining the road surface. Consider tasting the road for saltiness. A safe winter road should taste like a potato chip.

2. Drive at lower speeds. If anything really gnarly happens, you'll want to be able to describe it to your children in great detail.

3. Follow at longer distances, to gather more speed as you rear end the driver in front of you.

4. Use tire chains, to safely tear the shit out of the pavement. This will lead to a more "texturized" road surface, for better traction, and thus, more safety.

5. Keep windshield clean. Snow makes an excellent cleaner. Also remember that urine freezes at a lower temperature than water. Hey, just saying.

6. Avoid foolish driving acts, such as steering, braking, or moving in any direction.

Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt. 9 - Stopping: The Opposite of Not Stopping.

As near as Modern Driving Statistics can tell us, every single person in history was killed due to an un-stopped auto-car. Won't you like to be the first to be killed by something else, like International Communism, or perhaps bees? Choose how you want to die. Learn to stop!

Where's the kinetic energy stored? Here in the gas tank?

Stopping is all about dissipating Kinetic Energy, or "witchcraft". A moving vehicle has Kinetic Energy, which is equal to the mass of the vehicle times velocity, divided by the number of obstacles there are to hit, multiplied by green. Don't forget to carry the one. If you can recalculate this equation at all times while driving, you will always know exactly how to stop, in case of motion.



As shown in Fig. 119, kinetic energy is best dissipated by hitting obstacles.

In case of an ordinary stop, try driving into a hedge, bush, or lesser bramble, as shown in A. This will bring your auto-car to a stop in a relatively long distance, but with minimal damage. In case of emergency, consider doing a "panic stop", by finding a nice solid school bus to shorten your stopping distance dramatically. Be careful. Some school buses may actually be filled with shrubbery. This may confuse you. In case of confusion, quick confusion is important. Just try to hit anything you can find.

Click for big.

Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt. 8 - The courage to drive slowly.

SNAILPACE CONTROL. Just as a pilot's ultimate display of prowess is perfectly level flight, the ultimate demonstration of complete control of your auto-car is moving as slowly as possible. As a new auto-car driver, your fellow roadsmen will understand your skill by how slowly you are capable of moving. They will thank you for driving at a speed so slow that it's nearly impossible to be unsafe. Don't let them down! Keep your foot on that brake pedal. If you're driving properly, you should need new brake linings once a month.

MONITOR YOURSELF. How is your attitude behind the wheel? Would you be ashamed to have a representative from your auto-car insurance company riding with you at all times?

If your attitude is right, you should be proud to demonstrate your slowness and control. Of course, such constant monitoring is impossible, and probably always will be, but try to imagine what your auto-car insurance agent would think of your driving habits. What would you change if he were there all the time, watching and monitoring? Shouldn't you drive like that all the time?

Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 7 - Beginning to steer.

Congratulations! You're ready to start thinking about imagining being behind the wheel of an auto-car. But first, some more theory on "steering".

LEARNING TO STEER: Imagine a set of points equidistant from a central point. This is what drivers call a "steering-wheel". When you eventually are allowed to sit in the driver's seat of an auto-car, one of the first things you will notice is that this steering-set-of-points-equidistant-from-a-central-point can be made to rotate in an imaginary two-dimensional plane positioned perpendicular to the steering column around a central spindle, or "turn". "Turning the wheel" will execute a course vector modulation in direct proportion to the direction and amount that the TOP of the steering-wheel moves in relation to the car's chassis. So, if the steering-wheel is rotated such that its upper rim moves to the right, or "starboard" side of the vehicle, that will be the direction that the auto-car will turn.

Please disregard the LOWER rim of the steering wheel, and its apparent direction. Failing to do so may result in unfavorable direction change, or "UDC", and it is also near to your "dirty parts", which are wicked.

Steering Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: "I have rotated the steering-wheel so that the upper rim moves in a rightward direction, but the auto-car has barely altered course at all. Is my auto-car enchanted by Satan?"

A: Possibly. But first, ensure that you have rotated the steering-wheel adequately to alter the vehicle's direction in the required amount. In general, it is helpful to remember this rhyme: "If at first the car won't change direction, turn some more, before assuming demonic infection."

Q: "How many directions can my auto-car turn in? My steering-wheel only rotates clockwise and counter-clockwise."

A: Theoretically, an auto-car can move in any direction, and these many directions can be achieved through strategic application of the steering-wheel's clockwise and counter-clockwise rotation feature. However, one cannot be expected to know the exact combination of steering-wheel direction changes to achieve a complete journey right from the start. Steering is a task that is, to some extent, determined procedurally, in conjunction with the technique of "looking". See Sportsmanlike Driving, Part 1B - Your Vision for more on that subject.

Q: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"

A: That's not a question, but  try to steer a different direction very soon.

Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 6 - The controls of your auto-car.

In this chapter of Sportsmanlike Driving, we'll learn about how your twiddles and wiggles of the levers and actuators inside the control cabin of your auto-car make it go. Auto-cars are mysterious machines that are incomprehensible by the human mind, so you should rely on these illustrations to force your human brain to understand that your actions inside the car have an effect out in the real world.

HEAD LIGHTS: Your auto-car has "head lights" that illuminate the road, for safer driving at night. They are positioned on the front, or "head", of the auto-car. But what's that metal plunger on the floor? It brightens your headlights, which allows even greater visibility, but is only safe when there are no cars approaching from the opposite direction, or just cars driven by the blind.

As you can clearly see in the illustration, the high beams are brighter, which is indicated here by a darker color. The car on top has it's high-beams activated, while the car on the bottom is using its low beams, which are actually dimmer in reality. Just remember this catchy rhyme to help you keep it straight:

"High beams are darker in the picture, but every good boy knows darker means brighter in real life hath November, and mixture."

ACCELERATOR PEDAL: Your auto-car would be useless unless it went, except perhaps to provide shelter from the retribution of The Lord when The Rapture comes. The "accelerator pedal" makes the car go. But how do you know which way to press it? Should you press it up and away from the floor, or towards the floor in a way that makes sense with how your foot is constructed? Once again, here is a helpful illustration to keep things clear.

As you can see, pressing the accelerator pedal tilts a butterfly valve that allows gas and air to flow down a hallway to combustion chambers that run underneath the floor of your car. Combustion occurs here, driving the wheels somehow. Nobody knows what the heavy lump up in the engine compartment is for. To travel in your car, press the accelerator pedal. When you arrive at your destination, release the accelerator pedal.

OIL PRESSURE: The parts in your cars engine (wherever that is) need oil to work properly. The oil pressure gauge lets you know that there is pressure  on the oil, ensuring engine functionality. Here's how it works.

Inside the engine, there is a pump, which keeps the oil pressure needle in the middle. The lever connecting the two has a mustache, which represents safety. The engine has a hat.

Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 5 - Your type of maniac.

Self-reporting, non-controlled, non-double-blinded research reveals that every single American driver is at least one type of sociopathic maniac while driving an auto-car. Using these handy oversimplifications, please determine which type of lethal maniac you are, and more importantly, help your friends and family to identify their crippling personality flaws. Please cut out these personality types and carry them with you at all times, so that you can be sure that your observations of your companions are backed up by unassailable science. And, get ready to accept the gratitude of everyone you know.

Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 4 - Starting to stop.

In this chapter, you will learn the importance of stopping your auto-car. Some say that stopping is the most important factor in going. One thing is for sure. You will murder everyone in the world if you don't learn and master every stopping technique explained in this chapter. Let's start to stop!

It is a well-known fact that everyone who doesn't stop their car efficiently takes a human life. But how is it possible to know exactly when to begin applying the brakes in any situation? Driving is an actionful activity, and objects in the world are constantly swirling around your auto-car in a dizzying tornado of hazard and death. That is why we have prepared this chart that explains every possible stopping crisis. Use it to manage your daily stopping crisis routine.

You must cut out this page and tape it to your windshield, just over the steering wheel. Refer to the chart at every intersection, stopping-light, pavement separation, curb, crosswalk, embankment, onramp, offramp, security gate, playground, grammar school, bus stop, grocery store, and greasy stain of unknown origin you encounter on the road. This chart will easily help you to calculate when to begin applying the brakes. In each case, quickly look up your rate of speed, and determine the distance between your auto-car and the obstacle. This will indicate your reaction time, which you can then use to determine the auto-car's braking distance. Only then will you know when to begin applying the brakes. Then, apply the brakes, bringing your auto-car to a controlled stop, thereby avoiding a horrid spray of ichor and body parts.

As you can see from the stopping chart, when traveling at 70 mph - the maximum speed of any modern production vehicle - your stopping distance is 381 feet. If cars were to ever become capable of 90 mph, we can calculate that the driver would need to begin applying the brakes two hours before getting up in the morning. The lesson to learn here is that you're sleeping too late. Get up extra early each day to begin applying the brakes before you even get in the car.

HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER ZONE - So how are you to prepare for stopping while going? Use this this illustration as a guide:

As you can see, a column of death, or "Danger Zone" extends out in front of your car at all times. The only safe practice is to constantly scream this warning message out your auto-car's window as you drive: "I'm going to kill everyone! I cannot be stopped! All will die in blood and horror! The Demon Velocity compels me to destroy all of humanity. Flee or die, humans!" When you reach the end of the Safety Statement, repeat from the beginning. Do this until you exit the vehicle. Only in this way can a world of potential victims receive sufficient warning to escape your Danger Zone.

If your car only has functional brakes on the front wheels, you will murder your wife, and ruin your picnic.

Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 3 - Your Driving Impairment.

One of the greatest hazards to driving in a safe, unimpaired manner is Impairment. This chapter of Sportsmanlike Driving will instruct you in both kinds of Driving Impairment, so that you may be on constant watch for their insidious threat. You may never know when Driving Impairment will strike!




DRIVING IMPAIRMENT TYPE ONE: ALCOHOL!

Drinking and driving an auto-car rarely make a good combination. But how drunk is too drunk to drive? If you've just had three or four martinis, you may be Driving Impaired. However, remember that just one glass of kerosene could also make you an Impaired Driver. Here is everything you need to know in one convenient chart. Please clip out this "1955 drunkenness reference chart" and carry it with you in your car, so that you may always understand if you are too drunk to drive, or just drunk enough to drive very carefully. If your blood alcohol level is .15% or greater, you may be at risk for being an advertising executive. Please think before you advertise.

DRIVING IMPAIRMENT TYPE TWO: JAZZ!

There is a demon on the loose in our youth culture. Listening to subversive, crazy "jazz music" always leads to madness, death, and Driving Impairment. Insidious intoxicants like laudanum and absinthe are common in "jazz culture", and these lead invariably to Driving Impairment. The challenge lies in detecting jazz. Modern Science has given us miraculous new tools in jazz detection.

The man in this picture is being tested for jazz with the use of an "opium bulb". The examining officer offers the "opium bulb" to the test subject. If the subject knows how to use it, then he is a certain "jazz freak", and must not be allowed to drive an auto-car. Also, the officer may search the subject for books of poetry, or an even surer sign: free verse. Poetry is a sure sign of absinthe or opium habituation. Ask yourself. Do YOU enjoy poetry? Do YOU like to write expressively, with no punctuation or adherence to the rules of grammar? Are YOU moved by the wonder of nature? You may be "high" on laudanum, absinthe or opium. You may be Driving Impaired.

DEATH DETECTIVE. Can you spot how this man has died of Driving Impairment?  Look at the cans on the wall, and the curious neighbor in the window. Those cans are full of absinthe - enough absinthe to kill a marketing firm. And look at the neighbor. She has been woken by having her culture subverted. Do you see those jagged noise lines emanating from the car's dash-board? The motorist has died of hateful, crazy "jazz music", and it's chemical influence, before he can even exit his garage!

Other kinds of un-American music present a lesser threat to Safe Driving. Yodeling, or Indian war-whoops, for example, often require you to take a hand off the wheel, leading to Driving Impairment. Stay safe, kids. Listen only to Lawrence Welk or possibly Les Baxter while driving an auto-car.

Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 1b - Your vision.

Your Driver's Vision:
As you grow into a mature capable, American driver, you will gradually learn to use your eyes for looking. Looking is the key emotion of a car driver, closely followed by the emotions of seeing, and of steering.

But not all Americans are blessed by with good vision. Some motorists have poor vision. Behold the difference.

In Fig. 11A, we see the road as it was meant to be seen - clear and sharp. In Fig. 11B, we can barely see anything at all. Are those auto-cars? Are they hippopottamuses? Was that a DeShoto that just pulled in front of you, or was it a Studebunker? You can't even tell if a car is grey, silver, black, or merely off-white. In addition, people with poor vision have extra film grain. If you can see no difference between the two pictures, it is likely that you have "poor vision". If this is the case, please acquire a copy of the large print version of this book. It has a foreward by Quincy Magoo, in which you will learn proper technique for "wildly sawing the wheel back and forth" and shouting "road hog!" These are essential skills for a long and hilarious career as a legally blind motorist.

Please use this chart to assess your visual acuity.

If you can read these letters, you will recognize the name "Ocypf Dzenr", the famous Serbian grand Prix champion, a man whose name is most accurately pronounced while stifling a sneeze.