Let's Play Kardashians

Double Rainbow.

Lemme 'Splain You About Nascar, Baby

Safe deposit box.

Joke #1 - Great, The weirdo who kept old copies of the Sun Times in his safe deposit box was here. If he asked for help with the Jumble one more time, it was time for little Donny to "accidentally" wing his first customer.

Joke #2 - Hmm. That guy was looking at a racing form. Gambling was a sin. Gary felt ready to distribute some divine justice.

Joke #3 - "That's some good guarding posture, son. Soon, you'll be guarding a vault for real, and caressing a real gun, and shooting real people, and making real plea bargains for real slap-on-the-wrist sentences for real administrative leave with pay.

Joke #4 - "Okay, Donny, we'll see what the customer wants together. But, let me do the talking. One more of your expensive misunderstandings and the department will ask me to justify giving a firearm to a nine-year-old.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]

Spot the Joke! - The Saturday Evening Post

Today we present a challenge to the Phil Are GO! Joke-Getting Assault Squad (JGAS), our hand-picked group of the most charitable and sympathetic staffers. Their task? To figure out why these are comics. It sounds easy, but man, nothing could be harder or less funny. Do you think you understand why these comics are comical? See if you can Spot The Joke! The JGAS's analysis is posted after each "uncomic".

Both of today's joke challenges come to us from the April 11, 1953 issue of The Saturday Evening Post.

Theory #1 - The father was going to give the glass of water to one of the other children in the room, thirsty from long months hiding behind a dresser. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The boy is confused that his half-orc father couldn't find him in the dark, using his infravision. This is funny.

Theory #3 - In the morning, the father starts a new job as a flight engineer, and he needs to pass a drug test. The boy assumes that his father is holding a glass of water, intended for him, when in reality it is a urine sample.  This is funny.

Theory #1 - The man is unfamiliar with the popular mid-century suburban children's game of "Random Audit", and thinks this is a real audit. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The man is horrified that his son did not offer to take the visitor's coat - a serious breach of good manners. This is funny.

Theory #3 - The child from the IRS wasn't supposed to come for another week, and the man doesn't have his gambling receipts in order yet. This is funny.

Theory #4 - The man is upset that his son has finally met his exact duplicate, and will have awkward questions for him. This is funny.

Theory #5 - The man is startled to hear that his son not only has a job, but also is being audited by the IRS. This is funny.

Sanka - You deserve better.

Sanka is still is business, it seems. Why? Good question. Apart from trying to sell you a pointless product that wants you to be miserable, does this ad have anything to recommend it? Yup!

You know what happens when you get sleepy? You forget to put the "e" on the end of words, you monster! That's why Sanka misspells caffeine consistently throughout the copy here.

Does coffee mess with your sleep? It may, if you don't understand how it works. After ingesting caffeine, it reaches maximum levels (or "maximum happiness") in your bloodstream within an hour. After that, it'll take between three and six hours for you to come down.

If you want to read more detail than that, go nuts:

http://www.caffeineinformer.com/caffeine-metabolism

http://www.sleepeducation.org/news/2013/08/01/sleep-and-caffeine

So how much caffeine is in stuff? Everyone seems to use one cup of coffee as a benchmark, with about 120 milligrams of caffeine. Now, be careful. That's a cup of coffee, as in, you sitting in a restaurant and the server asks if you want coffee, maybe calls you "honey", and then brings you a thick ceramic cup that holds twelve ounces.

In the last twenty years or so, the actual coffee cup has become a bit of an anachronism, giving way to the "coffee stein" or the "coffee pail" that people carry around with them. If you call the twenty ounce bucket you get from Starbucks "a cup of coffee", go right ahead, but that's like two of the assumed standard servings, there, droopy.

Here's a pretty exhaustive chart of caffeine content:
https://cspinet.org/eating-healthy/ingredients-of-concern/caffeine-chart

But here are the high points that a person might have some hope of memorizing:

-Plain old coffee: about 120mg.
-Black tea: about 70mg.
-Green tea: about 50mg.
-Diet Coke: 40mg.
-Pepsi: 38mg.
-Coke: 35mg.
-Diet Pepsi: 35mg.

A note on tea. "Herbal tea" is always caffeine free. In order to be actual, literal "tea", a drink must have the brewed leaves of camellia sinensis in it. There is only one kind of tea plant in all the wide world: camellia sinensis. The type of tea you wind up with is only determined by when the leaves are picked and how they are dried. To think that any hot drink with planty stuff in it is "tea" is a mistaken assumption. That's not tea. In the case of hot-plant-water, they have to call it "herbal tea" to avoid lying. If you want loads of details, go look on FaceTube for documentaries on tea. Modern Marvels has a complete episode on tea, and it's really interesting (Your mileage may vary.)

This Sanka ad claims that caffeine adds nothing to the flavor of coffee. Incorrect! If you've ever tried that weird caffeinated water brand, "Water Joe", you know that caffeine is bitter. Any sceintific article on caffeine's properties will tell you that. Are you going to accept the opinion of a company that can't even spell right?

Even though Sanka was preaching the gospel of grossness, the ad does offer something worthwhile. Taken out of context, the illustration of the lady pouring a gigantic cup of coffee is pretty neat. Nobody needs to know she's pouring herself a stupid cup of Sanka for jerks, do they? So, let's just take that out of context, shall we?

Click for 1600 px.

Boom. Context completely taken out of. You can keep her in your HDD's folder of clip art for a rainy day... or, this afternoon around three o' clock when you need a little help making it to quitting time. You're welcome!

Buying the ring.

Joke #1 - De Beers. Because a very common stone, used as a monetized symbol of personal suffering and financial sacrifice, made obligatory by a spectacular marketing campaign, artificially rarefied by a global monopoly with historically unethical business practices is forever.

Joke #2 - "See? This is the ring from my last husband. You can do better, can't you darling?"

Joke #3 - It was perfect. The stone, the setting, and the weight were all perfect. This ring would look amazing sitting in the window of the other pawn shop three years form now.

Joke #4 - Mr. Grumsch wouldn't sell any ring until he had personally "pinkied" it himself. It was his way.

Joke #5 - "It's wonderful, darling. I really love it. But... we could get a bigger stone if you were willing to suffer a little more. Don't you love me?"

Joke #6 - "And this one we call 'the Precious'. You won't believe how it will make you feel. Go ahead. try it on. I think you'll find the size is just right."

Joke #7 - "Son, do the right thing. Every thousand you spend on the ring is another year before she cheats on you."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Absorbine Jr. - Show everyone your "ow" face.

Are you in pain? Sure! We all do! That's why Absorbine Jr.!

"Pressure Pain"? So what's that? Swelling? Who knows what W. F. Young (a very weird company name) was trying to theorize was causing your particular pain. In 1953, our understanding of science was somewhat less it is today.

Strangely, if you do some kind of search to find out what to do about your muscle pain, the answers tend to be ice, heat, or some combination of both. Ice tends to decrease inflammation, and heat will increase blood flow, and nothing heals without a decent migration of good old A Positive through the area (Your mileage may vary. Other blood types may exist.)

General wisdom about which one to apply is as simple as "If it's swollen and stuff, apply ice. After that's taken care of, use heat to maybe speed up healing."

Absorbine Jr. didn't like the idea of people treating their body aches for free, so that's their raison d'etre. "Get a hobby, Absorbine Jr." is what I say.

Anyway, you need everyone who looks at your FaceTube page to know how you suffer, right? Right. Please enjoy the guy's "ow" face from this Absorbine Jr. ad. However, viewed without the context of the ad, this guy could also be feeling confused or grumpy or something. That's not a bad attitude to address the internet with, either.

For whatever reason, your grumpy confused suffering man face profile picture is here. You're welcome!

Click for 1000 px.

Okay, fine. If you want to go around the web looking all happy about things, you can also use this happy version, if that's what you're into. You're still sort of welcome... weirdo.

Click for 1000 px.

The Magic Trick

Joke #1 - One of the many ugly consequences of over-foresting ladies.

Joke #2 - "Build a bridge out of her!"

Joke #3 - Donald Trump, trying to find some way to discourage his supporters.

Joke #4 - Aw jeez. He really oughta be using a hollow-ground blade, or her edges are just gonna fuzz right up, dontchaknow.

Joke #5 - The Amazing Lester was running out of ideas to get his wife out of bed in time for work.

Joke #6 - Hey, if he's not careful, that one support thingy is gonna bonk her right in the chin and be all dangerous and stuff.

Joke #7 - Sheesh. He ain't even usin' a miter saw! It's gettin' so people don't care how they cut their wife in half no more. Craftsmanship, ya know? Darn shame.

Joke #8 - Sid Caesarean section.

First-time commenter posisbly-long-time reader Andrew H. sent us Joke #9. He's right, you know! Thanks, Andrew! - No safety glasses. No blade guard. This isn't magic... it's just plain reckless.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

1953 Mercury - Long and low?

This ad wants you to buy a '53 Mercury. It may seem weird, but back then, it wasn't strange for a manufacturer to have only one model. So, in this ad, they just call it "the Mercury".

But wait. A quick search of The Ultranet shows us that there was a 1953 "Monterey". Why doesn't the ad call it by that name? The shiftless interns in the Phil Are GO! Research and Googling Team are taking a "me day", so we'll leave it to some of our readers who are steeped in auto-lore to maybe solve that mystery. I could name one or two who probably know the answer off the top of their head. I'm looking at you, and you know who you are.

Anyway, a couple things:

I believe that this bumper in particular is a little bit famous for being more than a little Freudian. Come on, Mercury. I know The Fifties were second only to The Victorian age when it comes to sexual repression, but  is there anyone who can look at these chromed protuberances and not instantly understand that they're boobs?

"Long, low look" aah hahahahahahah! That's cute! "Long and low." Just you wait a ocuple of decades, Mercury. The Future will teach you the meaning of long and low cars. Can your car still be used as a vehicle? Then, you haven't pushed the lowness as far as physically possible. One may recall hearing various idiots say something the following with no intended irony at all: "If sparks don't fly, you're too high."

So, what exactly is "the greatest Mercury action"? Brush clearing? Or maybe the car has such power, it can humiliate that stupid box in the foreground. You thought you were fast, box? Your fastness ain't shit! Get a load of my Mercury!!!

So how was the Mercury's action? Prepare to probably feel pretty cool about your current car, citizens! Let's compare the performance of the Mercury to a fairly average car of today - a 2016 Accord. Some numbers:

1953 Mercury Monterey Sedan horsepower, and curb weight: 125 hp, 3400 lbs.
2016 Honda Accord horsepower and curb weight: 185 hp, 3170 lbs.

So, the Mercury had a horsepower-per-ton ratio of 74. The Accord has 117 horsepower pulling every ton of its own weight. Also consider the additional reliability and safety of your humble everycar of today, and it's easy to understand that, yes, the Mercury was pretty cool, but cars are better than they're ever been. ...unless it's a Pontiac Aztek, of course. That thing is a rectal pimple on the backside of the automotive world.

Anyway, the Mercury in today's ad is a nice blue, and if you like chrome, she's your baby ... even more so if you like pretend boobs. What she's lacking in wheels. Four is fine, but eight is better. Let's reveal the upside to all that time we didn't spend researching Mercury's nomenclature today.

Theeeere we go! Isn't that better? With that many rear axles, you could do three wheelies at once with all those 125 horsepowers! You'd need another motor in the trunk just to help lug around the extra two differentials and stuff. But hey, I don't make the rules of coolness. I'm am a mere servant. Why not right click this little blue caterpillar into the multicar pileup on your hard drive? And while you're at it, here's a revised version of this ad, all plussed up with our improved Monterey. You're welcome!

Click for 1600 px.

Click for 1600 px/

Doctor lessons.

 Joke #1 - "So, as you may have surmised from the distinct odor, abdominal distention and overall pallor, the patient not only cannot be helped, but also represents a total waste of our time, is a stupid jerkwad, and probably won't live out the week. Please take note as I gently break the news in such a way as not to upset him."

Joke #2 - In landmark fourteen-hour procedure, with the combined skills of six surgeons, man undergoes world's first Total Excision of All Monies. Three months later, the treatment was deemed a success when he was re-examined and found to still be completely money-free.

Joke #3 - Patient requires six doctors to explain to him why he cannot afford the services of any of them.

Joke #4 - "This patient's volume desperately needs up-pumping. Doctor Christian Slater, I believe you have some expertise in this area?"

Joke #5 - "Hm. The patient seems to suffer from 'manic almond joyosis'. It is my professional opinion that, sometimes, this man feels like a nut.  By way of contrast, let us examine a Mounds, which don't."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Nutrilite - Curing confusion.

Vitamins! You don't need to eat if you take vitamins! They can give you energy and fix everything you're doing wrong in your life! Just listen to the salesman!

This poor couple. Their heads are swimming with scary words like "phosphorous" and "D". How should they make sense of it all? Just listen to the salesman selling them vitamin supplements door to door! He has "facts"! And, he has a suitcase full of easy answers!

Unless you either A) live in a third-world wasteland or B) eat nothing but Doritos for every meal, you probably don't need to take vitamins. As a rule of thumb, if you ate some kind of plant today, and some kind of animal, you're probably not doing too bad, nutritionally speaking. But, people without real problems love to invent tiny little problems they can pretend to solve by buying something, and thereby make their generalized anxiety go away a little bit. This has been true ever since humans stopped spending all their time hiding from lions and searching for a bush with a few berries left on it.

Do you have any reason to believe you are malnourished, or are you spending money on supplements because “you never know”? You never know when a giraffe may dent your car. You’d better take out a special giraffe policy. Is it smarter to spend money solving problems you know you have, or ones you can't be sure you don't have?

Mom always made us take vitamins. It made her feel like she was covering all the nutritional bases with her kids. As a grownup, I almost never take them. Then, I found a bottle of multivitamins in the cabinet from last winter, and spent a few months eating one every morning, just because I hate waste. I felt exactly the same as when I didn't take them. But then again, I'm lucky enough to live in a developed civilization where only the truly determined person can avoid getting enough vitamins. This is a data point of one. Purely anecdotal. Do not change your life just because of this story.

Things that call themselves "dietary supplements" may not even have actual vitamins in them. In fact, they probably don't even contain what the label says they do. The dietary supplement industry isn't regulated at all, and they don't have to do what they claim to do. They're accountable to no one. It's a wild west kind of situation. They tend to appeal to humans' deep love of logical fallacies, usually these two:

Appeal to ignorance: Argument from ignorance (in which ignorance represents "a lack of contrary evidence"), is a fallacy in informal logic. It asserts that a proposition is true because it has not yet been proven false (or vice versa). This represents a type of false dichotomy in that it excludes a third option, which is that: there may have been an insufficient investigation, and therefore there is insufficient information to prove the proposition be either true or false. Nor does it allow the admission that the choices may in fact not be two (true or false), but may be as many as four,
1. true
2. false
3. unknown between true or false
4. unknowable

In debates, appeals to ignorance are sometimes used in an attempt to shift the burden of proof.

Appeal to antiquity: An appeal to antiquity is the opposite of an appeal to novelty. Appeals to antiquity assume that older ideas are better, that the fact that an idea has been around for a while implies that it is true. This, of course, is not the case; old ideas can be bad ideas, and new ideas can be good ideas. We therefore can’t learn anything about the truth of an idea just by considering how old it is.

Anyhoo, do you have enough pictures of confused mid-century honkies on your hard drive? Probably not! Your hard drive needs to be supplemented with the baffled couple from today's ad. Are they any use to you? You can't prove they aren't! Therefore, you need them. Man, if only I made money doing this. Also, 1000 px avatar versions of each, for your online chat service or whatever. You're welcome!

The Cowboy Interruption.

Joke #1 - "Brad, table four has sent back their cheesy fries for the second time. Permission to blow a snot rocket in the their entree?"

Joke #2 - Brad's next sentence was interrupted by the sound of the door being thrown open. He whirled around in his chair and his face went white. It was Bone Dry Bud, The Man Without a Fly, and some say the orneriest buckaroo to never moisten a urinal cake.

Joke #3 - "Aha! I might have guessed! How could you, Brad?... and with Mr. Lincoln, no less! You knew he was on my 'celebrity free pass list'."

Joke #4 - "No no no. False alarm, Troy. I said 'I didn't expect a kind of Amish Exhibition'. Go back to work."

Joke #5 - "Nope. Those make your thighs look big, too. Try the culottes your sister sent you."

Joke #6 - "Sorry to interrupt, sir, but there's some rootin' goin' on. Some say there's some tootin', as well."

Joke #7 - "Sir, we need to order some real cards. The boys are tired of playin' Uno."

Joke #8 - "Sir, can I just work in the dish room for the rest of the night? The guys are makin' fun of my camel toe again. "

Joke #9 - "Brad, I think we need to cut off table three. They want me to play Frozen again, and the other customers are starting to complain."

Mat Black was the first to rustle up a mess of joke #10. Thanks, Mat! -  "I'm the only hombre 'round these parts that can pull off the white shirt, vest and snap tie! GO CHANGE!"

Not far behind was MisterFancyButtonDowntheBackPants_2, with joke #11. nice shootin' Tex. "'Scuse the interruption Brad, but do I 'saunter in', or 'sashay in'?" "Carl says I 'sashay in' like a two-bit parlor floosie and I don't reckon I'm likin' the way that stinkin' bitch is runnin his mouth...and OH - MY - GAWD!!, is that my copy of '50 Shades' yer givin' to Mister Lincoln?!?!..."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

Bonus punishment: You've probably done something bad this week. Teach yourself a lesson by listening to Cowboy Song, improvised by BlueWank. It takes a while to get going, and unfortunately takes a while to get stopping. Sorry, not sorry.

Family mechanic.

Joke #1 - "Aah! I think I found the source of the noise, ma'am. That'll be three hundred fifty for labor, and eighteen dollars for the disposal fee."

Joke #2 - "Sorry we were out of pocket calendars, Mrs. Finchberry. Here, please accept this instead."

Joke #3 - "I'm sorry, Ma'am. There's a recall on this unit, and I could lose my job if I don't replace it with a remanufactured product that meets spec. I'm sure you understand."

Joke #4 - "There, doesn't that feel better? Now, you may feel some postpartum melancholy for a few days, but that's normal. Thanks for choosing Ford!"

Joke #5 - "Here, let me get that for you. Wow! This is a big one! Actually, it's pretty common to see this kind of debris collecting in your foot wells this time of year. Just try to keep your windows rolled up when driving past schools, okay?"

Joke #6 - Doug greeted the Finchberrys and bent to pick up little Claudia and give her a tickle, like he always did. Tragically, he didn't notice the drafting ruler she was playing with. His laugh turned to a gurgle as the steel found its way home.

Joke #7 - The '53 Ford was available with a "child delete" dealer option that has made examples of this particular model exceptionally rare and collectible in subsequent decades.

Mat Black had a bit of energy yesterday, and one of the many things he did was joke us up a Joke #8. Thanks, Mat! - In an age when oil company premiums were common, Esso really upped the game with their "Win a War Orphan" promotion.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Stories of Forbidden Romance - March 2nd, 1953

Click for big.

Kreml Hair Tonic - You will die of dandruff.

Wait. What? Dandruff causes baldness? This dandruff will be the death of us all!!! Thanks, Kreml! You got here just in time! And, do you have any tips to help prevent dandruff? What's that? Buy lots of Kreml! Thanks again! I love you, Kreml!

Dandruff causes baldness? Say what? If Willis had told me this, I would immediately demand "what he talkin' 'bout". But look at the ad. And yes, it is an ad, even though there's no product shot or logo to be seen anywhere. Very weird, but it's still an ad. So what gives? Well, if they omit any overt "addiness" from their ad, you may think it's an objective article. A very scummy thing to do, trying to trick people, but then that's advertising for you.

So what's with the science? This ad has lots of slides of really small things and mentions the names of sciency things like "bacilli", and "hair". So, it must be science, right? Let's check some science.

The Mayo Clinic is able to name some known causes of hair loss, such as heredity, hormonal changes, and - here's the really useful one - "medical conditions"! Thanks, The Mayo Clinic! You really burned the midnight oil to get to the bottom of that one! Bald guys, stop having medical conditions! Stop it, in the name of science!

However, having a laundry list of known causes is not the same as having a solution. Kreml would have us believe that if you see dandruff on your collar, you'll be bald soon. Nothing makes men's wallets fly open and spray money all over the place like conjuring the spectre of baldness and going "Woooooo! Baaaaaldneess!", while wiggling your fingers around in a creepy way. Cutting to the chase of the Kreml ad, it's all down to the villainous "bacilli". So what's "bacilli"? Well, it's a general term for any rod-shaped bacteria. That's not very specific, but it sounds more sciency if you say "bacilli" than "various bacteria". Thanks for the smoke screen, Kreml!

But that was 1953. Surely nobody's trying to make this argument here in The Future, are they? Let's ask Denorex, which I think wasthe name of the dragon in 1982's Dragonslayer...

While dandruff does not itself directly cause hair loss, the resultant irritation (itching, scratching, and rubbing) indirectly does exactly that.

Bullshit or science? Your haircut person will tell you that, when you're shampooing, work the lather up with the tips of your fingers, but not your fingernails. That's not proof, but it does make some kind of sense, unlike "lather, rinse, repeat", which is a shampoo directive designed to make you use up your shampoo twice as fast and nothing else. So, the mechanical agitation of scritching and scratching may make hairs fall out that were already preparing to jump ship... but dandruff is not known to cause baldness. A dry, itchy scalp will make you scratch your head, which will probably help any loose hairs fall out of your head. Dry skin is just one known cause of dandruff, and it will probably make you scratch your head. If you're going bald, dandruff won't make it happen faster. Those hairs would have fallen out in the shower anyway.

This is a very common logical fallacy: "correlation is not causation". To put it simply but more longfully, "things that happen at or near the same time do not necessarily cause each other" For example, "I observe  that men who are overweight like to wear Hawaiian shirts. Therefore, Hawaiian shirts cause obesity!" This is how superstitions get started.

Shockingly, Denorex, who stand to make money if you think dandruff causes baldness, would be very pleased if you associate dandruff with baldness. What about somebody with no horse in this race? WebMD doesn't get rich if you buy dandruff shampoo, but they can sometimes be a little iffy with their science, since they're quite happy to endorse pseudoscience by saying things like "Many people believe herbal treatments for erectile dysfunction are effective. Here is a list of those supplements". That's not science, so it pays to read WebMD with a critical eye. Disclaimer: I made that quote up as an example. WebMD did not say that, but it typifies their attitude about posting unproven folk remedies and anecdotal evidence.

But just for fun, What does WebMD say about dandruff and hair loss?

Thinning hair and dandruff don't share the same cause. Thinning hair is about your hair. Dandruff is about the skin on your scalp.
The way some guys treat hair loss can make their dandruff worse, says New York dermatologist Michele Green, MD.
Everyone sheds some hair, and men often notice it in the shower. Seeing their hair float toward the drain makes some men quit washing their hair, Green says. That's a mistake, especially if you're prone to dandruff.
"They feel like they lose more hair when they wash, so they stop, and that's not that healthy. In fact, it's just the opposite," she says. "If you have dandruff, you should be washing your hair every day or every other day."
Washing your hair makes little difference in the amount of hair you lose, says Jeffrey Benabio, MD, a dermatologist for Kaiser Permanente in San Diego. If you avoid washing your hair for a few days, you'll see more hair in the shower when you finally do reach for the shampoo.
It's as if your hair loss is making up for lost time. "It falls out a bit if you wash every day and a lot if you wash every 3-4 days, because it accumulates on the days you don't wash," Benabio says.
The bottom line: Skipping the shampoo doesn't help your dandruff, and it doesn't slow hair loss. So you might as well lather up.
Hair Loss Medications and Dandruff
Green says minoxidil, which is used to treat thinning hair, can cause dandruff-like flaking as a side effect. The alcohol in minoxidil can dry out your scalp, and after a few months of treatment, dandruff may set in.

Hm! Pretty good summary, there, WebMD! Well done. Dandruff doesn't mean you're going bald, but it's still gross, and most people who look at you will think you're a greasy slob. So, wash your head.

Here's a crop of the picture from today's ad. The simulated dandruff (probably soap flakes or something so it would show up on camera) looks decidedly gross, but the lady is decidedly super-not-gross at all. She's a bit of all right! Maybe you can find some use for this picture? You never know. Better right click it into your hard drive's "images of personal grooming shame" folder just in case. Come on, don't pretend you don't have one. You're welcome!

Click for 1600 px wide.

Webcor Tape Recorder - Stalking your children.

What parent doesn't love secretly recording their children's prayers, which she believes are privately held conversations with the almighty? A bad one, that's what one! Webcor is here to help you stop being a bad parent.

As anyone can tell you, your child is a dirty little sociopath that will lie constantly... if they know you are listening. That's why Webcor urges you to buy a tape recorder and surreptitiously record their secret, private petitions to their god, so you can treasure their adorable wishes for a lifetime. You can look forward to treasuring such private wishes as...

"Dear baby Jesus - not hairy, grown-up Jesus - Please give my mommy and daddy a hobby, so they will stop recording my every burp and mumble, to be obsessed over again and again."

"God bless Webcor, for charging the future equivalent of over $1,700 for their tape recorder, so mommy and daddy can only afford one of them. Otherwise, mom and dad would have ten of those things hidden all over the house and I'd never get a moment's peace."

"Thank you, Flying Spaghetti Monster, for touching me with your Noodly Appendage and granting me wisdom to know fiction from reality."

"Please, Easter Bunny, let my parents get some kind of terminal tape poisoning, and let me ironically record their death rattle on their creepy tape recorder, so that I can listen to the sound of their life escaping their bodies again and again and again and again and again."

"Thank you, Great Pumpkin, for making my parents obsessively record my every word, so that I will have no shortage of evidence in my inevitable emancipation hearings."

"Pa pa pa oom, mow mow. Pa pa pa oom mow mah mow. Bah bah bah bird bird bird. Well, the bird is The Word. The bird is the word. Everybody's heard, about the bird. Everybody knows about the bird. Pa pa pa um mow mow. Mow mow mow mow. Now and forever, Amen."

Chicago Automotive Disappointment Parade lack of coverage, Day Number Final - Some more!

More recently unearthed pictures from Chicago Disappointment Parades of years gone yore, courtesy of alert reader and fellow eye-candy hoarder Steve Miller (apparently). Behold the wild designs of car designers cut off the leash... and then rapidly re-leashed before anything interesting was actually put into production. See the booth babes of ages past! Wonder how old they must be by now! Take a Silkwood shower because you feel dirty inside!

The 1950 Nash NXI, surprised by an unannounced visit from the company brass.

Despite the rather more conservative air of 1951, you can tell she's a booth babe because no human would ever voluntarily hitch up their knee so awkwardly on a car high as her belly. A double-jointed hip was an asset on the resume of a 1951 Crosley booth professional.

k

Design genius Harley Earl's visual opus of restraint and minimalism, the 1953 LeSabre concept car. A design so ahead of it's time, we wouldn't see anything like it again for another forty years (see below).

A scandalously-clad booth babe in the Muntz booth, 1951. You can see her ankles!

1956 Packard Predictor, still can be seen at the Studebaker National Museum in Indiana. I'll just remind you that Studebaker also brought us the oddly displaced-in-time Avanti. Why do the good ones die, while the survivors are nearly indistinguishable?

Hey! a '59 Toyota! It may have been a little early for Japan to push their Japanese-ness so hard with the kimono and all. According to Steve Miller, "In 1960, the kimono was gone, replaced by a typical American girl-next-door in a typical American girl-next-door gown."