Showing posts with label 1984. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 1984. Show all posts
12/4/19
11/8/19
9/27/19
9/20/19
9/18/19
9/12/19
9/11/19
9/6/19
9/3/19
3/27/19
2/28/19
6/26/18
2/5/15
Kooking Kornir - Fish Punishment Number Ten
If fish on your planet are like the fish on my planet, you know that fish can be insolent and surly! Thus, must we punish fish at every opportunity! Am I right girlfriend!!! Do not answer, because I am right! This Nutrient Preparation will serve the twin-pronged purposes of punishing all available fish as well as horrifying your crew into obedience! We will begin!
Begin by locating a small body of water and shouting at it! Fish are less stroppy when they are startled! Wearing your largest Culinary Assault Boots, stomp around in the water / liquid methane / nitrogen slurry with great vigor and also in a chaotic fashion, so that the fish do not know what is happening! Use the fishes' confusion to your tactical advantage! Seize them! Store them in a disused Handy Andy multi-purpose bucket and carry them off to your landing craft! If it is a long walk, periodically refresh your fishes' terror by shouting into your bucket!
Back in the galley, prepare a delicious breading by combining two eggs and one box of Mother Gakstomil's Extra Delicious Fish Punishment Bread Crumbs! Mix them in a number six fuel container! Do not forget to periodically point at your fish and tell them they know what they did, and that there is no use crying about it now!
Split your fishes longitudinally with your standard issue Giant Horrifying Dagger. Curl both fish flaps into delightful spirals, leaving the ends attached to the head! Pierce them with a standard Horrifying Skewer! At this point, your fish may entreat you to release them! Do not harken to their words! Fishes are golden-tongued manipulators!
Next, retrieve some pseudopods from your sleeping navigator with your Giant Horrifying Dagger! If he begins to awaken, simply hit him with the away vehicle! Pseudopods acquired! Return to the galley!
Spread out the breading on your Nutrient Preparation Surface and roll all your food items in the breading! This includes the fish windings and navigator pseudopods! At this point, your fishes may offer you a bargain, perhaps to make your their king, in exchange for their freedom! Deny their parlay! Tell them they are free to be delicious! Ha ha ha ha! Add the pseudopods to the Horrifying Skewers and then exit your craft!
Roast the fishes behind your vessel's primary thruster under normal burn for up to four milliseconds! Return to the galley and prepare to give your crew a traumatic experience they will doubtlessly report to the Admiralty! Fools! They do not appreciate Fish Punishment Number Ten! No One does!
I Am Oetogg! I have spoken!!!
7/16/14
Kooking Kornir - The Fish Bread Deception
It's summer time, outdoor eaters, and have we got a super fun backyard treat just full of protein and beigeness that your family will possibly just love! Let's pound up a batch of summertime Fish Bread Deception!
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| Begin by boiling up a couple of fistfulls of crayfish, or jumbo shrimp, or crawbugs or whatever. They're all pretty much just gigantic bugs anyway, and by the time we're done with them, they'll be unrecognizable! Boil the crap out of them! |
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| While the shrimpdads are boiling their crap out, combine some cornicles, lentils, and potatocytes in a lentil-safe frying bowl. Fry on low heat until the lentils make the whole kitchen smell like someone left a shoe in the oven too long. Remove hurriedly from heat when your gorge rises to the top of your neck. After all, we're not serving neck-gorge tonight, so save it for another time! |
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| Combine the vegetable friedness and the crap-out-of-boiled shrimpfish. Allow them to become friends, briefly. |
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| Punish the veggie mix and craybugs with a #9 gauge food-grade punishing mallet. Those giant bugs are ugly as heck, and your ungrateful kids won't eat them if they can tell what they are, so punish eveyone. First, punish the shrimpcraws for being nutritiously ugly, and we'll use them as the key ingredient to punish your family for the pain of childbirth, the loss of your idealism, and that time when you had to have the back seat of your car dry cleaned because of that thing they did. Punish the jumbocraws into a thick veggie-fish paste. |
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| Fry up some tomato juice, adding butter, and a few more riverbugs, if your family likes it chunky style. After they're already eaten, remember to ask them if they would have preferred non-chunky style. Then, add the fish paste, creating an unholy union of summertime cheer! |
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| Wups! We need to thicken it up! Do this by pushing the unholy union through a fish strainer to force out any unnecessary water, leaving only wonderful, nutritive thickened unholy fish paste union. |
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| Now, the fun part! Hollow out a load of bread and scoop the unholy fish paste union into the void. Be sure to seal the end of the bread with the original breadcap, so it looks completely acceptable. Serve chilled for a wonderfully healthy sumemrtime vaguely tuna-sandwich-like experience that your family is sure to possibly appreciate, sort of! Just watch their faces when you slice into this perfectly normal loaf of bread to reveal your outrageously healthy fish sandwich thing. Your surprised family will be silent with joy! Hooray for Fish Bread Deception! |
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| Click for big. |
6/27/14
Kooking Kornir - Gelatinous Crater Mite Larval Ring.
Begin by harvesting crater mite larvae from your local scorched, uninhabitable crater! Remain motionless for not less than six hours, and crater mite larvae will emerge from subterranean burrows to eat your flesh! The joke will be on them, as you seize them in your mighty claws, flinging them into your larvae bucket! Return to your base, and lightly kill your crater mite larvae with a mite mallet, placing them in a level three containment field while you prepare the bundt cake pan!
Seize a bundt cake pan and slather the interior with food-grade dietary lubricant! Then, pour in an introductory layer of multipurpose protein gelatin! Allow the introductory layer to set, then add the crater mite larvae, arranging them in a delightful fashion, as shown in the image above! Observe delight now!
On top of the larval layer, add chunks of adult crater mite meat! Whoops! Go back to the scorched, uninhabitable crater and capture an adult crater mite, first! I am sorry! Fill the bundt cake pan to the rim with the remaining multipurpose protein gelatin! Allow this preparation to become firm, over a period of one pathetic Earth hour in a refrigeration unit, or outside the hull of your ship! The firming process may be accelerated by shouting at it!
Present this to your young and / or troopers while screaming the Song of Grinding With Teeth, and watch them cower with joy!
I am Oteogg! I have spoken!
Communication ends!
6/8/12
Kooking Kornir - Sucker dome.
You will require approximately 200 suckers for my sucker dome! I have found that all creatures found in Space have suckers, but they are most easily obtained from space rabbits, whose tentacles are over forty Earth-feet long and whose breath weapon is an unpleasant toxic gas! Beware! They have over twenty hit dice! Seek them in their subterranean lairs from orbit, in your favorite gunship. Strafe them with projectile weapons to slow them down, but if you finish them with energy-based attacks, the heat will save you time in the kitchen by beginning the cooking process even before you land your ship! We all know how valuable time is when you're a busy mother! Agree or be destroyed!
Collect the space rabbit suckers before they can regain consciousness and slow your retreat with their psionic attacks! If your skull is like mine, it is cartilaginous, leaving you prone to mental assault! Just you wait, space rabbits! Soon we will have specially shielded helmets, when our civilization has adequately researched the technology of theta wave interference meshes! Just you wait! At such a a time, we will gank the crap out of your subterranean lairs!
Anyway! Deposit the suckers in a cake vessel! If you do not have a cake vessel, simply secure a sheet pan and bend it around your head - or, if you're thinking very clearly - around someone else's head, perhaps in insolent officer! Or, just use a standard issue bucket, if you must be boring! This should provide you an appropriate cake vessel! Arrange the suckers on the walls of the bucket / cake vessel! If your gunship's weapons have not charred them too badly, they should still be moist enough to stick to the walls of their own volition! Failing this, you may use honey! Delicious either way!
Once your cake vessel / bucket is lined with suckers, pour in a standard almond cake mix, such as can be acquired at any properly stocked spaceport. If you are pressed for time, simply dock your ship at the spaceport and stride out the airlock screaming "I REQUIRE ALMOND CAKE MIX OR BE DESTROYED!" Consider firing your sidearm randomly in all directions for added urgency! Security forces should bring you cake mix in short order! Be sure they have brought you almond cake mix. If not, try shouting "CHOCOLATE!?!? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!?!? I'M ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE, PATHETIC CREATURES!!! ALMOND CAKE MIX OR BE DESTROYED!!!! You may then devour the chief of security to make an example of him! Almond cake mix secured, disengage your ship from the spaceport - or don't, if you're in a hurry - and retreat to a safe orbit! You can jettison the spaceport lock ring assembly, debris, bulkhead fragments, bodies, and extraneous security personnel on the way to save time! Prepare the cake mix and pour it in the cake vessel!
Place the cake vessel in a preheated oven set to 6300 degrees for six seconds! Try not to overbake! Remove and place in a crucible to cool for twenty-four Earth-hours! Try not to burn yourself! For safety, destroy any personnel who come near the kitchen during the cooling process! When cool, invert the cake vessel and shake out the sucker dome! If it sticks, try shouting!
Now is the time to summon your family for the consuming of sucker dome! CONSUME! RECIPE ENDS!
I AM OTEOGG! I HAVE SPOKEN!
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| Click for larger image! Or are you a coward? |
5/7/12
Kooking Kornir - Grapeherd's Pie
The previous evening, you should have gone out to your grape tree and dew-picked the season's best grapes at their peak of grapeness. Oh, you didn't? I guess you should have read this yesterday.
So, tomorrow, I guess, take your season's best hand-chosen grapes (either by you or some of your grape herders, if you live on a grape ranch) and include them in a saucepan with two cans of grape gravy. Grape gravy is much like chicken gravy, except that you hold the can up and say "This is for grapes! Shut up!". With the grapes and grape gravy fully included together, place it over a low flame or an overheating iPad 3 for fifteen minutes until the grape gravy begins to simmer. Now it's grapeherd's pie filling!
Spoon the filling into the pie crusts and add the circles of pie crust dough - that we should have mentioned you need to cut earlier - on top, to form kind of pie lids. You know, how pies have dough on top? Well, do that now. Bake in an oven, or four stoves arranged into a cube, at 300 degrees for 20 minutes. The pie crusts should stop looking like dough and begin looking like pie crusts... with that golden flakiness? They should look like that.
Serve as the main entree after a hard day in the grape fields. Offer a side dish, but don't expect anybody to have some, because they'll be too full of grapeherd's pie. Get ready for your family to stare in wordless astonishment! Opa!
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