Science and Mechanics - A single page. So much joy.

The small ads at the back of  old "men's interest" magazines are where the publishers accidentally tell you who they think you are. This is, of course, the way it is with all advertising. By trying to sell you something, advertisers are inadvertently telling you what they think you're like. Their sales pitch is, ostensibly, an attempt to relate to you. But at the same time, the ad reveals their estimation of your motivations and vulnerabilities. Most often, the message is something like "you are frightened, insecure, paranoid, ignorant, gullible, and mostly dumb".

This single page of ads from the June, 1955 issue of Science and Mechanics is a treasure trove of amazing ads made by, umm, "unskilled" advertisers who weren't so good at concealing their judgment of the reader.

You believe that pirates raided the oceans of the world in search of the most treasured stamps.

You see yourself as a perpetually downtrodden victim, and fantasize in graphic detail about crippling your perceived enemies. 

You dream of being Richard Kiel. Or, you wish to eat any creature, so long as it wears dentures.

You dream of being a world explorer, and desire "helps" on "every subject", including "personality aids". I think my old boss suffered from Personality Aids.

Your ambitions of adventure, violence, and excitement are hampered by your continuing hernia problem.

Your ambitions of violent adventure are hampered by your continuing hernia problem, and you have difficulty getting into your truss due to your continuing arthritis problem.

You not only believe in magical powers, but wish to use them to subjugate others to your demented little will, and mustn't, under any circumstances, be allowed to have any authority over anyone.

News from the The Forefronts of Science - Three newses from the forefront!

Household tip: Placing needles in the cork stopper of poison bottles ends troublesome "too-comfortable drinking" of poison. Also keeps needles handy for poison-related sewing projects. Also also reminds poison drinker to remove stopper before drinking with unpleasant "nose prick". Also also also improves reception of tiny poison-bottle-stored television.

Finger vise aids clamping of fingers by clamping fingers in vise. Keeps surplus fingers from rolling away, getting lost under workbench and being carried away by finger-starved woodland creatures. May also be some other kind of thing or whatever. Possibly holds other things.

New lightning-powered boat is powered by lightning. Capable of impressive bursts of speed separated by very long periods of no speed at all, with some risk of light death. Only functions during most lethal weather conditions. Possibly useful for patrolling bodies of water, warning others to get the hell off the water.

Little Ads - Disclaimers to innovation.

Science refuses to stop advancing us towards The Future, and Science and Mechanics is there to help Science refuse to stop. Keep informed on all Science's not-advancing refusals by reading the critical innovations of the little ads! Science! Disclaimers may apply.

Space Training for the Small fry.
Disclaimer 1: Not all children are suited to space travel.
Disclaimer 2: May result in Catastrophic Child Inversion Syndrome or amusement. Use only as directed.
Disclaimer 3: Use may result in "the woozies", "icky-tummy", or "spontaneous nutrient jettison".
Disclaimer 3: Not for use in hard vacuum, or in absence of gravity. Not approved for use in place of acceleration couch.
Disclaimer 4: Not for use with space suit.
Disclaimer 5: Party dress may not provide adequate protection from hazards of space travel.
Disclaimer 6: Use of Space-Trainer may not qualify as comprehensive Space-Training. Consult Space for details.

Eat Anything with False Teeth.
Disclaimer 1: Not responsible for consequences of eating absolutely anything.
Disclaimer 2: Not all things with false teeth may be edible.
Disclaimer 3: Not responsible for lack of enjoyment of eating non-food items.
Disclaimer 4: Not responsible for unintended death after combat with British Secret Service Agents..

Baby Training Handle Trains baby without Having to Bend Over.
Disclaimer 1: Construction of Baby Handle may require bending over.
Disclaimer 2: Head notch as shown may be more rounded to accommodate human-shaped baby heads.
Disclaimer 3: Not responsible for results of non-poodle Baby Handle ornamentation. User assumes all responsibility for design variations.
Disclaimer 4: Construction of baby may involve bending over, if you know what I mean.

Little Ads - Purely prurient.

Pay attention to the ads in any magazine or TV show and you'll get a clear picture of who the producers think you are. Once awakened, this sensitivity is usually insulting. You're welcome.
Say, fellows! Use the illustrations in these cartoon booklets to help you imagine what it may be like to hold a woman in your arms! Get used to imagining it.






I'm not sure why he's sitting on a keg of black powder, but I think I'm okay with guys like this being exploded.


In 1945, Nazi Germany was breeding a race of indestructible super-indians which , had the war gone on a little longer, may have turned the tide of battle. Now, we can't GIVE these things away. Make us an offer.*
 
Judging by the skill demonstrated in this drawing, I'm unconvinced that the publishers understand how I like my illustrations.


It's good to see customers of one ad feeding the need of customers for a different ad. But, apart from this drawing, I don't get that "this guy used a live model as reference" feeling when I look at them.









*The swastika emblem is much older than Nazi Germany, and had many non-sinister meanings before World War II. However, once Hitler came along and stunk up the joint, it ruined the bendy cross for everyone.

Staring nerds. Low-hanging caption fruit.

Joke #1 - "Nope. No problems here, Mr. Wurton. This one seems fine. Exactly which sperm were you having trouble with?"

Joke #2 - "It'll be fine, Gary. Just don't ask Sue to the prom until you get this thing back in your pants."

Joke #3 - Thanks to progressive educational reform, three high school freshmen carefully study a model of a blackhead.

Joke #4 - "Wait, wait, there's a little label here....'aim... away... from ...' Gosh, I can't make out the last word."

Joke #5 - Initially named "The Scrotoscope", focus testing showed that name to be unsettling. The boy's invention would finally make it to market as "The CrotchWise Looks-A-Daisy".

Joke #6 - "I dunno, Gary. Just cause it doesn't hurt, it doesn't mean you can pop it. I think you should go see the nurse."


Joke #1 - "Okay, one last try. The big hand's on the one, and the little hand's also on the one, which means that it's..............guys? ....Sigh. Let's try again after lunch."

Joke #2 "Okay, I have a class to teach. If that dial gets to six, come get me. If it gets to eight, come get me and I'll knock your heads together like coconuts."

Joke #3 - Three developers hard at work on the "boredom detector".

Joke #4 - Epitomizing the trend towards ever "chunkier" watches, Diesel's flagship 2011 design is unveiled to awed silence.

[ [ [ [ BEGIN TRANSMISSION FROM GUEST JOKE SATELLITE ] ] ] ]

Sue joked like so:

Photo #1 nerds - "Cough"

Photo #1 - Nerd 1 - "Dude, you swallowed this thing?" Nerd 2 - "No, but it was in me!" 

Photo #2 nerds - "no, no - trust me. The girls LOVE a guy focused on what all this means! Advanced Mechanics is a chick magnet!!"  --perhaps observing chick magnetism on chick magnetometer (Mgmt)

Rocket Station 1949 - Cavescience.

The Phil Are Go! archaeology squad recently unearthed this image of a proposed "rocket launching station" from deep within a magazine. Judging by the number of strata to be removed (83), researchers were able to determine the page of the image. It was on page 84. Working in semi-sterile conditions, layers of boring and unfunny geekdom were removed from the area above page 84, and the image was painstakingly scanned using the P.A.G. Hundred Dollar Scanner (HDS). The image had to be absolutely straight or history would be mad. So, they used a ruler. The button was archaeologically pressed with tweezers. History came alive.

Most telling is the size of the image. It appears in the magazine at about the same scale as a Bazooka Joe comic. This implies that the artist was ashamed of his blasphemy, perhaps fearing reprisal from the religious leaders of the time. Perhaps the artist intended for his drawing to be sold in bubble gum packets, where his notions of space exploration would be safely dismissed as childish fantasy, or collected and mailed away in great numbers in exchange for a novelty palm buzzer.

This image proves beyond a doubt that humans in the 1949th century knew about space, as well as drawing things. Previously, our understanding of 1949 imaging techniques involved spitting paint over an outstretched hand, as in the caves of Altamira. But, it cannot be denied that primitive 1949 humans had a basic understanding of different shapes. The rocket is all coney and the building is kind of squarey. Notice that the artist pointed the rocket up into the air, indicating that he or she knew where space was. This is impressive, considering the fact that automobile designers of the general era were still obsessed with putting boobs on cars.

The artist's understanding of the principles of space travel continued to impress the staff. The bottom of the rocket is carefully housed in a trapezoidal building. Presumably, this is intended to retain the precious heat from the mighty blast of the booster engines, indicating that this very first rocket station was probably intended to be built somewhere cold, like moon, or at the bottom of the ocean.

In keeping with our understanding of primitive man's fear of fire, the designer included a kind of chimney thing, seen to the left of the rocket building, to make the fire go away into the air, where it would punish their gods for making gravity so frustratingly strong. It is not clear what the artist intended to be used as fuel for the big space rocket. Probably human feces, or communists. The artist also had the foresight to poke some holes in the building, so that people inside could see outside without opening the door, risking a serious cold or drowning (see above). Also, there's a pretty neat choo choo train.

Johnathan, Doreen, and the Radio... Some captions.

Joke #1: Johnathan, you're being rude. You should look at the radio when it's talking to you.

Joke #2: Johnathan, this has been a long time coming. I'm leaving you, and I'm taking the RCA radio console with me. You just can't compete, John. It has a hand-rubbed mahogany cabinet, a Vita-Tone speaker... and have you seen the size of the record changing arm?

Joke #3:
Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea. Before we get on with tonight's program, I have this special announcement from a very special listener: "Dear Johnathan, I'm leaving you for Bill Vrabden , the radio announcer. Best wishes, Doreen." Well, I'd like to thank lovely listener Doreen for that announcement. I guess we're official now, baby! Tonight we feature music from great breakup scenes in movie history, hand-picked by me, Bill Vrabden, radio announcer.

Joke #4: Johnathan, this is so hard to say. I've... I've been seeing another man. His name is Sal Glondrik, and we met at the circus. Here, let me get him out of his storage cabinet so he can confront you.

Joke #5: Johnathan, you and I have been drifting apart for some time now, and I'm leaving you. I don't know how to put it in words, but I've always been able to express myself best through the art of tap dance. Here, let me put the music on...


HEY! A BONUS JOKE!...

Rejected Trojan condom ad number  412.

Little Ads - Dork-it yourself.

Joke #1 - Why build your own mower? Because cutting your foot off is more satisfying when you built the machine yourself.

Joke #2 - I think they meant to say "Kansas City 3, Mow." Huh huh huh.

Joke #1 - Build a SPEEDFLASH. Clearly illuminates the groin of almost any woman.

Joke #2 - "Oops! I did not mean to jump into the air and do a split-kick, but I did it anyway! I hope your speedflash was not functioning properly. I am so naughty.

Joke #3 - Oops! I did not mean to have any clothes on when I jumped into the air and did a split-kick. Can I have my check anyway? I am so naughty.

Joke #1 - "Thanks! Bye bye daddy! I'm off to be a lesbian!

Joke #2 - I think sitting on an Indian motorcycle while making the "how" sign should be grounds for being run over with said motorcycle.

Joke #3 - "No. No need to thank me. It's all in a day's work for Indian motorcycles, and Ban roll-on!"

Joke #1 - New non-electric door knocker no longer need be attached to woman's face. Can simply be affixed to door. Ivory-colored chime box.

Joke #2 - Tired of shouting when you require your woman? New knocker can be fitted to the door of her storage nook.

Joke #3 - (knock knock knock) "I'm comiiinnng. I'm several inches from the door. I'll be there in a minute!" (knock knock knock) "Just a moment! I'm still a few inches away!"

Joke #4 - Science and mechanics exclusive! We test if "females" respond to auditory stimulus. Also in this issue: how to sand and refinish your female like new!

Joke #5 -  For Rent: Efficiency apartment, lower Manhattan. 0 br, 0 bath, utilities incl. $3500 / mo. Dogs, cats ok."

Parade of Patents - Good ideas gone to waste.

Get ready to do a lot of beholding! The 1960 Parade of New Patents is here! No time to explain why you should give a crap! Just hurry up and give a crap! The parade is starting!

Behold the Adjustable Umbrella Holder. William Conrad’s very simple and nearly invisible doohickey is worn over the shoulders at all times. In sunny weather, the detachable umbrella section is stowed unobtrusively across the back. At the first sign of rain, the user removes the device to un-stow the umbrella section, inserts the umbrella section into the socket, tightens the wingnut, places the device back on the shoulders, and adjusts the swivel ball joint for optimum angle. Having done this, the wearer can now light a pipe or cigarette. With the umbrella section removed and stowed in back (in "nice weather mode"), others will hardly notice the bracket at all as they ask if you’ve been in a car accident.

 Behold the Tie-On Ice or Water bag, by Leona E. Prietzsch. With this new marvel, the dream of wearing favorite liquids of all kinds pressed to the forehead becomes reality, with only ordinary agony and cranial hemorrhage as side effects. Happily anticipate your own grimace of delight!

Behold the Powered Pogo Stick. Gordon Spitzmesser realized that ordinary pogo sticks were far too simple, light and silent. He designed a pogo stick with a single-cylinder engine, triggered by impact with the ground. The motorized design can achieve greater height and noise than traditional pogo sticks. The device only requires simple 16-hour annual maintenance for years of fun. Each fall, the oil must be drained and replaced. Battery must be trickle-charged over winter. Fuel additive is required to avoid varnish build up in the fuel lines during disuse. The powered Pogo Stick can be operated safely with one hand, with the use of a special stabilizer tie, available in three patterns and colors.