Solving Home Problems - Phones and cones.

Trouble Sleeping

New Idea Parade - Handy garage tips!

Casual Engineering

Konstrukt Projekte - Keller bar dismal.

Easy Funeral Hits

Travelodge - Sleepy, not Drinky.

Another item from the shipment from Alert Reader Mandy today. It's a postcard bought at TraveLodge, probably around the 1960 or so.

One might get the idea that, should you choose to spend a night at a TraveLodge, you could expect to have a seventy-foot bear shuffling around the parking lot, peering in your window, looking for a place to crash. But no, Sleepy bear was just the mascot of TraveLodge (which apparently still exists today). Judging by their graphic on the website, which also serves as a loose chronology of the character's design, this version of Drinky Stoney Sleepy The Bear dates from the early Sixties, or thereabouts. The design of the motel itself seems to agree with that estimate.

As it always seems to go with mascot "refreshes", every iteration of the character got weirder and uglier. Well done, Lowest Bidding Graphics Consulting Design Firm.

The Sleepy The Bear on the back of the postcard looks, as noted by Mandy, more zombie than sleepy. A free continental breakfast is available in the cafe from 6-10 am. A fine selection of breakfast items will be served, but the brains go fast, so come early!

Hmm. That bear looks familiar. Hang on a sec. Let me browbeat an intern into checking on it..... a HA!

http://phil-are-go.blogspot.com/2010/11/antiques-creepshow-figuratively-freaky.html

I knew it! We posted a photo of Semi-Concussed The Bear way back in 2010! Let's roll back the hands of time to artificially lengthen this post with minimal effort, shall we?

LOT #2 DRINKY BEAR
Our second feature is this delightful drunk teddy bear, ready to stagger into your heart and vomit down your aorta, mistaking it for a toilet. "Drinky Bear" was the mascot of a small chain of midwestern addiction centers in the sixties, and this example of Drinky is in fine condition, from his mismatched footpads to his baffling camel toe. Drinky's not dead yet! The "halo" is merely part of the art on the game box holding him up. If you bring home Drinky, you can pretend the price tag on his wrist is a medic alert bracelet, alerting would-be resuscitators of his allergy to Vivitrol. The only medicine he needs is your love! And bourbon!

According to Wikpedia, if your family chose to spring for the Sleepy bear Den, each child would get a free stuffed version of Novocaine Bear. That's one financially unsustainable premium! While the Sleepy bear Den feature of Travel Lodge (the budgetary savings from discontinuing the "free bear" campaign now being spent on a space in the logo between "Travel" and "Lodge") seems to be a thing of the past, the Sleepy Bear Dens seem to still be available at some franchises.

Know how you can still get yourself a Barbituate Bear? Right here, baby. He's a PNG with alpha channel, so you can put him on your own lampshades and bedspreads. Don't nod off yet, Hesher The Bear, you've got lots of work to do. Don't worry about using him, readers. He works for peanuts... or Methadone. You're welcome!

Mobot

Joke #1 - "ARE-YOU-WORKING-LATE-AGAIN?... COME-BACK-TO-BED-DARLING."

Joke #2 - The Jet Propulsion Laboratory, in late testing stages of its Remote Unmanned Jet Propulsion Laboratory Exploration Rover.

Joke #3 - At just 1,750 pounds and 1.2 million dollars, the Mur-Dor Semi-Autonomous Liquidation Unit finally brought simple, low-cost, and stealthy scientist strangulation to the masses.

Joke #4 -
10     interpolate current X, Y coordinates to [STAN COORDINATES] at .005% velocity
20    extend manipulation pincers
30    if [STAN] = [ALERT] then goto 80
40    if [STAN] = [BUSY] then goto 50
50    execute [STRANGLE STAN] subroutine
60    interpolate current X,Y coordinates to [MEXICO] at 100% velocity
70    let unit i.d. = [PEDRO] until heat dies down
80    pretend to be fixing hair

Joke #5 comes to us from Jeremy. Always grateful for a Jeremy Jape! Thanks, Jeremy!- WHY... GIVE... A ROBOT... EXPRESSIVE... HAND GESTURES... IF... YOU'RE... NOT GOING TO... FUCKING... TURN AROUND... WHEN... I... AM... TALKING... IS ALL...

We got a verbose Joke #6 from Mr. FancyGlenOrGlendaPants_2! Thanks, MFGOGP! Joke #6 - Military Hair Technician Sgt. Rick Hunts Sr. pictured testing the "Barb-O-Tron / Flowbee" (Ver. 1.0), Army issue compact self-grooming hair appliance, circa 1948. This unit specialized in the seldom popular "monk cut", and was discontinued in 1949 after removing and cauterizing 3 left ear lobes from subsequent testing engineers. On a lighter note, it was lent out to Ed Wood's studio for the forgettable B movie: "Barber Vixens from Outer Space", (in which only two women were de-lobed and cauterized).

Joke #7 reveals that a robot's emotions make for rich pickings. Thanks, Jeremy! - FINE... DOCTOR... GO TALK... TO... YOUR... THREE... MONITOR... HAVING... SLUT... ... MAYBE... IT WON'T... EVER... CRUSH... YOUR... COFFEE CUPS... ... ON ACCIDENT... 

John came equipped with a joke in each clamp. Thanks, John!...
Joke #8 - “Behead-o-tron, fix me a drink please. Behead-o-tron? Are you listening to me?”
Joke #9 - “Reacharound 5000… time to shine, my friend.”

Differently Spelled Jon will not be denied a joke. Joke it like you stole it, man. Joke #10 - What they're actually testing is the protective design of the JPL wedgie denial seat.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

New Idea Parade #3

The March of Science #2

New Idea Parade - Wheel-centric.

Weird Dad Projects - September, 1960

Colorgroom - Vanity unfair.

This ad for something called "Colorgroom" all but uses the phrase "like a woman" as a pejorative. Well, the joke's on us, because obviously Colorgroom had the last laugh, enjoying worldwide success by becoming a must-have product found in every man's dresser drawer. Right?

"Don't dye your hair like a woman's!" God help us! Are you insane? Don't be an idiot, stupid! It gets better, too...

As, apparently, anyone could tell you, streaky hair is symptomatic of being a woman. Is your hair streaked? You may be a woman! However, being both insecure and vain are seemingly not nearly as shameful as being a lady, and they are A-okay for men. Otherwise, there's be no need for Colorgroom, right?

Do you use some kind of chit chat program at work or maybe not quite at work, or maybe at work, but not really for work? Your friends need to know that you are always thoroughly groomed, or that you are not quite as happy as you'd be with dark hair. That's why you need these avatars. They're both 1000 px square, so whatever thing you use to avoid working at work, it shouldn't have a problem accepting one of these images as your new head. You're welcome!

Click for 1000 px.

Click for 1000 px.

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The Three Axis Trainer

Joke #1 -  May, 1960. NASA builds multi-axis rotational trainer to test pilots' reactions to being put into multi-axis rotational trainer.

Joke #2 - "We are very sorry to hear you are having difficulties with your three-axis trainer. Your call is very important to us. Please remain on the line. If you suspect that your device is actually a two-axis trainer, press one. If you have been scrambled into a hideous pile of goo, press two..."

Joke #3 - "Yes, Don, you probably could touch those things if you stretch a little, but please don't. They're very ticklish. No, don't 'cup' them either. Look, can we get back to the experiment please?"

Joke #4 - May, 1960. NASA builds multi-axis irony trainer to test pilots' reactions to being held pretty much perfectly still a little ways in the air in a fantastically expensive machine. Device was designed to simulate potentially hyper-ironic conditions in orbit.

Joke #5 - NASA is still considering possible names for the new training device. Current favorites are "The Belly-Go-Round", "The Daddy-O", and "The Wacky Circumference".

Joke #6 - "Before we begin, I'll ask you one more time, Don: Did you grab my wife's ass at the Christmas party?"

Joke #7 - "Don, you know you're not allowed to park that in the executive garage, right?"

Joke #8 - The Tesla Model Q. MSRP around $70,000. Zero to sixty in four seconds. Exposing the battery to temperatures below -22 degrees for more than one day will void the warranty. Battery performance degrades up to 30% over eight years. Range is reduced by 40% at any temperature below forty degrees. Running the heater will further reduce the useable range of the vehicle. You want one because your neighbor has one.

Jim D. sent us joke #9, from a distant, nauseated galaxy. Thanks, Jim!  Unlike so many other early NASA programs, Project Audiolus was a complete success, and coincidentally it proved the conventional wisdom wrong: In space, everybody can hear you scream. Hear you very well, indeed.

Joke #10. Never one to miss an opportunity for a ball joke, Mr.FancyThreeBallPants_2 does not disappoint. Thanks, MF3B2! NASA tests the multi-billion dollar "Trianglotronic Ballinator", in which the subjects see how many structural triangles can be counted while they are simultaneously hit in the face by three large rotating dodgeballs, which may or may not be a naturally occurring phenomenon in outer space.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]

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Handy Man Hints

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Three new things, thanks to Science.

New giant ear model demonstrates how things would sound if they were very small. Turbo unit is easily serviced by Albert Einstein.

Portable music player runs on six D batteries, plays up to eight minutes of continuous music. Hardly ever skips.

Inventor claims Train Detector can measure presence of trains up to forty feet away.

Body by Fisher - More less, please.

Body by Fisher. Just in case you never got the reference that personal trainers love to make, like "Body by Jake", that's the reference.

If you're expecting incisive wit and savage cleverness from your personal trainer, prepare to be disappointed. See what Jake did there? He took "Body by Fisher" and put his own name in there, because "body" can also mean "body", get it? I know. No wonder he was on TV!








Anyhoo... gosh that's a long car! This ad is just for Fisher, an independent coachbuilder who had a long relationship with GM, so you won't find anything urging you to rush down to your Cadillac dealer and test drive the new 1960 Cadillac De Ville, but that's the land yacht you're looking at. Jeez. It was a different world.

Maybe you really really like a car like this, but can it be even better? Yyyyyep! Less longness and more wheelness, please. Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, ASSEMBLE! Pkshowww!

Background delete - COMPLETE!
Nose separation - COMPLETE!
Nose nudge - COMPLETE!
Tail separation - COMPLETE!
Tail nudge - COMPLETE!
Wheels isolate - COMPLETE!
Wheels duplicate - COMPLETE!
Windows select - COMPLETE!
Windows opacity alter - COMPLETE!
Barely noticeable badge isolate - COMPLETE!
Barely noticeable badge move - COMPLETE!

That's a lot of "complete"s, but this one wasn't too hard. The straight, tapered lines of the De Ville just fall into place when sliding sections around, with only minor scaling needed to make the edges line up again after. Here's a pro Photoshop tip for you: When you're copying a wheel to put right next to itself, don't be lazy. Use the wheel from the other end of the car so you won't have two exact copies of the same wheel sitting right next to each other, looking all samey-samey. You'll probably need to scale it a little to keep the perspective right (because cars are usually shot from a 3/4 angle), but the result will hide your tracks just a little more, and it won't take but a couple of seconds longer to do.

Get your rude finger ready to right click this silly little confection into growing the multi-car pileup on your hard drive in three, two, one... RIGHTCLICK NOW!

There. Isn't that better? Aww, thanks. You always say the perfect thing, sweetheart.

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Camping Tips!

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Hovercar Speed Record!

Hovercarrr,
Hovercarrrr,
HOVERCARRRRR!!!

In 1960, a "ground effects vehicle" set a new speed record. Fifty-five miles per hour! With a tailwind! Woooo!

Let's read about the impressive feat.

55mph, with the wind at your back. The little article is brief, and doesn't mention what kind of record was set that day. Was it the fastest this particular hovercar ever went? The fastest speed achieved by ANY hovercar at the time?

What we can tell from the photo is that the speed test was run at what looks like an airfield or something. They always do this sort of thing way out in the open, like the Bonneville salt flats, just in case something goes wrong and they set the "fastest cartwheeling air car" speed record. Hey, fame is fame, right? A ground effects vehicle will need loads of room, especially at speeds greater than walking pace. I'd imagine that riding in a hovercar at 55 is a bit like being in free fall, but with less control over your direction and speed.

Next to wondering "Where's my damn flying car?" is the slightly more reasonable question "Where's my darn hovercar?", and well might you wonder. After all, here we are in The Future, and your pocket phoneputer is much larger than the one you had eight years ago. That's progress, right? You should feel entitled to expect to see a hovercar in your hovergarage.

Well, you don't want one. Hovercraft are fantastically loud, wildly inefficient, and take as long to stop as they do getting up to speed. They have wonderfully low friction with the ground, which sounds exciting, until you remember that a lot of the time, you like a little friction. This is also called "grip". You enjoy grip every time you turn your car without plowing through a grammar school. Grip is your friend. Hovercraft do everything with thrust vectoring. Going, stopping, turning, not dying. All of it is done by blowing around great wads of air, which, you will recall, is pretty light, squishy and blowy - not at all like a nice sticky tire with some weight over it.

Please enjoy Noted Captivating Oaf Jeremy Clarkson driving a Russian hovercraft. Of special note is the amount of time he spends sliding sideways, desperately whirling the steering wheel around, hoping to have some effect on the direction of travel.

Only slightly less amusing and massively more informative is this video from Tom Scott (whose channel I have just subscribed to) on why hovercraft more or less failed to take off (heh). Notice how hard it is for him to make himself heard at the distance of one arm's length from his phone, relative to the cataclysmic bellow of the hovercraft. Also note that The English are the best explainers, story tellers, and documentarians... in the wurld!

There's better ways to get around, mate. Enjoy your motorcar. Here's more video of Clarkson making himself killed using an hovercraft. Please to enjoy it, along with your car.

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Quick-Wedge screwdriver. Enough, already.

This 1960 ad for the Quick-Wedge screwdriver gets points for using the correct spelling of both words, instead of using the more easily trademarkable, but intellectually corrosive, trend of spelling product names like an idiot. They easily could have gone with any of the following, (and contributed to the national problem of adults that can only spell phoenetically, and resent anyone who actually paid attention in school), but thankfully didn't...

• Quik-Wedge
• Quic-Wedj
• Kwik-Wej
• Cuique-Uedgje
• Kuik-Oueg
• Qooicke-Ooij
• Coic-Wj
• Kwihk-Ouedjgj
• Grunt-Grunt

Yes, the advertising industry missed one small opportunity to contribute to the dumbing down of  America when this ad his the pages of Mechanix Illustrated.

The Quick-Wedge screwdriver claims to grip the screw, instead of the standard behavior for flat screwdrivers, which is to leap out of the screw head and plunge deep into your radial artery... again.

How does it grip the screw? The explanatory illustration in the ad explains nothing, so don't waste your time rotating your eyes towards it. Toolmonger.com explains it thusly:

To use the Quick-Wedge driver, seat the slotted screw on the tip of the screwdriver. Then move the tube forward to apply force against the edges of the screw slot. Drive the screw, then release it from the screwdriver by sliding the tube back towards the handle.

So the Quick-Wedge blade (whose company still exists!) is split, and the halves are cleverly wedge-shaped in such a way that, when you push on the telescoping handle (which telescopes), the two halves of the blade spread out in the screw's slot, hopefully gripping it, instead of making it spring off of the screwdriver, skittering under the refrigerator.

Orrrrr.....

We could just discontinue the use of stupid, horrible, slotted screws entirely, which were made obsolete in 1908 with the invention of the square-drive screw, and again in 1936 with the Phillips screw! Why buy a special, expensive, complicated, articulating screwdriver to restore some utility to a primitive, outdated design, when you can just use a better, widely available screw that only requires a simple one-piece screwdriver that won't make you stab yourself, first on accident, and then in rage? Haven't you wiped enough arterial spray off your walls already? I once read that the Japanese names for Phillips and slotted screws are just "plus" and "minus" (...possibly because of the shape of the hole they make in your skin when you slip?). So smart and straightforward, the Japanese.

It must be pointed out that Quick-Wedge are not to blame for slotted screws. They simply figured out how to finally make them work, and the answer is a robotic telescoping scissor-action screwdriver, and that is pathetic.

Here's a neat article on the history of screws, to get you good and mad at stupid, horrible slotted screws.

The Chest of Many Things. Home of screws. Make a left at the

 Peeewee Herman bike, and open every drawer in turn,

muttering under your breath about labeling these goddamn

drawers some time.

Of course, the reason everyone still has a stupid, horrible flat screwdriver at all is the fact that there are still slotted screws in the world. Mostly, I find them on older devices. How older? Well, they're not from 1936, that's for sure. So, any object less than 79 years old has no excuse to use stupid, horrible slotted screws - the perforators of thumbs. Every time I'm taking something apart, for whatever reason, and I find a slotted screw, I replace it with a Phillips screw from the Chest of Many Things. I have a policy of only turning slotted screws counter-clockwise, so that I can throw them in the recycle bin. I fucking hate them.


It's a little surprising to find that square-drive screws (whose driver is square in cross section, duh), predate Phillips screws by like thirty years. The story of why they took off in popularity and then came crashing back to Earth in popularity is one of patents and lawyers, and can be read in the neat article on Mental Floss, linked a few paragraphs back. I have a box of those somewhere, and a screwdriver to match, but I will never voluntarily use them unless I have no choice. But, at least the squaredriver isn't as blade-like as a flat screwdriver and as a result, doesn't slide as easily into my wrist, if it does slip out of the screw, which it won't, because it's merely uncommon, and not stupid or horrible.

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