Easily Prepared Variegated Nutrient orbs

Kooking Kornir - Insolent Fish Paste Mockery.

Pathetic creatures of Earth! If you are like me, Oteogg, Conquerer of All Space, you are intolerant of insolent subcreatures! I sure know I am like me! These uppity morsels must be put in their place! Their place is in one of your three digestive chambers, deep within your thorax! Hah! This day, we will prepare an insolent fish for mockery and devouring!

Observe this serving suggestion with your eyestalks or be destroyed!!!!

Begin by acquiring a fish of non-specific species! Do not waste my time with your mewlings of "but certain types of fish must be prepared in specific ways, O mighty Oteogg". SILENCE!!! You will also be devoured in due time for your insolence! If I spent all day determining the species of creatures, I would have very little time for the devouring of them! Now you've gone and made me angry!!!!

"Fish" are aquatic creatures commonly found in water! They think they are just sooo clever! Begin your fish search by removing all water from Earth with your ship's forward thermal cannon! Set your thermal cannon's heat setting to "most of it" and treat the planet for approximately nine minutes! Then, after making planetfall, descend from your vessel and select one of the fish that is still thrashing around in the mud, gasping its last! It has spirit! It must be destroyed!!! Return to your ship's galley with the insolent fish!

Place the insolent fish in a medium fish blender! Using the "destroy" setting, reduce the fish to a slurry, and then storm out of the room to let it think about what it has done! Do not be moved by its pleas for mercy! Quickly return to the room in a rage, shouting into the blender "YOUR EFFORTS ARE IN VAIN, SUBCREATURE!!!". Then, stab the "eliminate" button on your blender! This will reduce the fish to a Frothy Liquid! Do not forget to put on the lid! You do not want fish insolence sprayed all over your nice, clean galley! Unless that's what you are into, in which case that would be what you do, in fact, want! You do you, baby!!!

The fish is nearly ready for the final humiliation!

Select a fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form from your wall of artfully displayed Nutrient Compression Forms! Slam the fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form down on the table next to the blender and shout the following at the blender: "I DID NOT WANT IT TO COME TO THIS, BUT YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!!!" Then, laugh with child-like glee!

Pour the Frothy Insolent Fish Liquid into the fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form, in hideous mockery of its previous self! Then shout "SEE? I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT! YOU MADE ME DO IT!!!" Place the Nutrient Compression Form containing the Frothy Insolent Fish Liquid into your refrigerator overnight to chill, to become gelatinous, and to reflect on its crimes with all gelatinous shame.

The following day, your Insolent Fish Paste Mockery will be ready to serve to your unappreciative crew! They have no idea what you do for them! You work and you slave! All they do in return is cower in insolent terror! As you watch your crew timidly devour the Insolent Fish Paste Mockery, slowly reach for your crew-shaped Nutrient Compression Form!

I am Oteogg! I have spoken!!!

Communication ends!

Kooking Kornir - Fish Punishment Number Ten

Greetings, Human supplicants! This day I will ram into your brain-holes the knowledge of how to prepare a beloved Nutrient Arrangement favored by none of my crew. BUT I FORCE IT UPON THEM ANYWAY!!! Prepare for instructions regarding Fish Punishment Number Ten!!!

If fish on your planet are like the fish on my planet, you know that fish can be insolent and surly! Thus, must we punish fish at every opportunity! Am I right girlfriend!!! Do not answer, because I am right! This Nutrient Preparation will serve the twin-pronged purposes of punishing all available fish as well as horrifying your crew into obedience! We will begin!

Begin by locating a small body of water and shouting at it! Fish are less stroppy when they are startled! Wearing your largest Culinary Assault Boots, stomp around in the water / liquid methane / nitrogen slurry with great vigor and also in a chaotic fashion, so that the fish do not know what is happening! Use the fishes' confusion to your tactical advantage! Seize them! Store them in a disused Handy Andy multi-purpose bucket and carry them off to your landing craft! If it is a long walk, periodically refresh your fishes' terror by shouting into your bucket!

Back in the galley, prepare a delicious breading by combining two eggs and one box of Mother Gakstomil's Extra Delicious Fish Punishment Bread Crumbs! Mix them in a number six fuel container! Do not forget to periodically point at your fish and tell them they know what they did, and that there is no use crying about it now!

Split your fishes longitudinally with your standard issue Giant Horrifying Dagger. Curl both fish flaps into delightful spirals, leaving the ends attached to the head! Pierce them with a standard Horrifying Skewer! At this point, your fish may entreat you to release them! Do not harken to their words! Fishes are golden-tongued manipulators!

Next, retrieve some pseudopods from your sleeping navigator with your Giant Horrifying Dagger! If he begins to awaken, simply hit him with the away vehicle! Pseudopods acquired! Return to the galley!

Spread out the breading on your Nutrient Preparation Surface and roll all your food items in the breading! This includes the fish windings and navigator pseudopods! At this point, your fishes may offer you a bargain, perhaps to make your their king, in exchange for their freedom! Deny their parlay! Tell them they are free to be delicious! Ha ha ha ha! Add the pseudopods to the Horrifying Skewers and then exit your craft!

Roast the fishes behind your vessel's primary thruster under normal burn for up to four milliseconds! Return to the galley and prepare to give your crew a traumatic experience they will doubtlessly report to the Admiralty! Fools! They do not appreciate Fish Punishment Number Ten! No One does!

I Am Oetogg! I have spoken!!!

Cooking Kornir - Flesh Paste Puck

Insolent worms! Prepare to accept a satisfying midnight snack solution into your pathetic human brains! Flesh Paste Puck!

If you are like me - and you will be destroyed if you are not - you often find yourself hungry, long after lights out has been declared on your starship! This Flesh Paste Puck satisfies the universal need for pasted flesh as well as your need for pucks! It is delightful or be destroyed!!!

Begin by seeking flesh. On most Sigma-Class Starships, the handiest form of flesh is your insolent First Officer. Seek him amidships, where he foolishly becomes inert and somnolent for many hours per day! Foolish creatures! Never become inert near Oteogg!!!

Depending on your personnel, noise may be an issue during capture! Eliminate this problem with a standard two-hundred gallon Ziploc freezer bag. Such bags are insulated against both noise and fluid leakage, and they come in convenient conqueror-sized multi-packs! It's just good sense, people!

Next, the time has come for the flesh to be pasted! This is most easily accomplished through routine disciplinary measuers, or "questioning". Question your First Officer until he is of a fine and creamy consistency! Collect the flesh paste in a number six officer-sized flesh bucket and slink off to the mess! This is space talk for "kitchen", ignorant readers! Slink off to the kitchen!

Refrigerate your flesh paste in the hard vaccuum of space for several seconds, to thicken the paste for additional firmness! In my experience, this is most easily achieved by sticking your arm out of the ship while holding the number six officer-sized flesh bucket. Seek the airlock! Alternately, you may simply punch your bucket-holding fist through the hull! Fate rewards the resourceful foodie!

Garnish your flesh paste puck with ridiculous vegetable matter that you will never eat, space bugs, and eyeballs. Messily devour the flesh paste puck and return to your resting chamber! You will need your strength to appoint a new First Officer!

Recipe complete! I am Oetogg! I have spoken!

Kooking Kornir - Gelatinous Crater Mite Larval Ring.

Pathetic humans! Prepare to accept a delightful summer recipe or be destroyed! Gelatinous Crater Mite Larva Ring! Observe this image with your eyestalks!

If you are like me, Oteogg, Conqueror of All Space, you know how long the summer afternoons can be on any planet within seven thousand kilometers of your parent star! Armed with the formidable preparation whose construction I am about to describe, your young will be begging for a complete absence of dessert, for their bellies will be full of wonderful crater mite larvae!

Begin by harvesting crater mite larvae from your local scorched, uninhabitable crater! Remain motionless for not less than six hours, and crater mite larvae will emerge from subterranean burrows to eat your flesh! The joke will be on them, as you seize them in your mighty claws, flinging them into your larvae bucket! Return to your base, and lightly kill your crater mite larvae with a mite mallet, placing them in a level three containment field while you prepare the bundt cake pan!

Seize a bundt cake pan and slather the interior with food-grade dietary lubricant! Then, pour in an introductory layer of multipurpose protein gelatin! Allow the introductory layer to set, then add the crater mite larvae, arranging them in a delightful fashion, as shown in the image above! Observe delight now!

On top of the larval layer, add chunks of adult crater mite meat! Whoops! Go back to the scorched, uninhabitable crater and capture an adult crater mite, first! I am sorry! Fill the bundt cake pan to the rim with the remaining multipurpose protein gelatin! Allow this preparation to become firm, over a period of one pathetic Earth hour in a refrigeration unit, or outside the hull of your ship! The firming process may be accelerated by shouting at it!

Present this to your young and / or troopers while screaming the Song of Grinding With Teeth, and watch them cower with joy!

I am Oteogg! I have spoken!

Communication ends!

Pathetic human nutrient preparations! Prepare to scoff!

Readers observe! I have discovered ancient human scrolls indicating procedural nutrient preparation for temporal celebrations! Their rituals are more pitiful than I had previously considered! Now is the time of scoffing and anticipation of the human downfall! Prepare to receive data!

It is true that humans know that their heads are their most delicious possessions, for their succulent brains are stored within! They will attempt to deceive you with these ridiculous head simulants while the actual humans escape with their real heads! Observe their pathetic construction! They are not even dimensional! These are merely planar glucose preparations with facial simulations constructed from smaller food items! DO NOT BE DECIEVED!

Here are a row of foolish humans, confident that their head simulants have made them safe from brain consumption! Look at them, brazenly displaying their delicious brains! Pathetic humans! YOUR CONFIDENCE IS ERRONEOUS!

Humans believe they know the technique of preparing Horta for temporal celebration gatherings! Here we see a tray of roughly circular shapes and thinly sliced animal film surrounding a small Horta! Their intent is to eat the horta! Humans lack the understanding of Hortas enjoyed by Oteogg! THIS HORTA IS NOT DEAD! If the humans merely engage their infrared vision, they will see this!

Observe! The Horta's hindbrain is still very warm! Just wait until the insolent humans cut into it with their type-II phasers! There will be acid and much crying out of "My pathetic human skin! Acid! Burning it!" BEGIN LAUGHING NOW!

I am Oteogg! I have spoken!

Kooking Kornir - Sucker dome.

Delicious humans! Prepare to eviscerate your family's appetite with my specially prepared sucker dome or die!!! Your larvae will wipe their pincers with delight! Initiate pincer wiping! RECIPE BEGINS!!!

You will require approximately 200 suckers for my sucker dome! I have found that all creatures found in Space have suckers, but they are most easily obtained from space rabbits, whose tentacles are over forty Earth-feet long and whose breath weapon is an unpleasant toxic gas! Beware! They have over twenty hit dice!  Seek them in their subterranean lairs from orbit, in your favorite gunship. Strafe them with projectile weapons to slow them down, but if you finish them with energy-based attacks, the heat will save you time in the kitchen by beginning the cooking process even before you land your ship! We all know how valuable time is when you're a busy mother! Agree or be destroyed!

Collect the space rabbit suckers before they can regain consciousness and slow your retreat with their psionic attacks! If your skull is like mine, it is cartilaginous, leaving you prone to mental assault! Just you wait, space rabbits! Soon we will have specially shielded helmets, when our civilization has adequately researched the technology of theta wave interference meshes! Just you wait! At such a a time, we will gank the crap out of your subterranean lairs!

Anyway! Deposit the suckers in a cake vessel! If you do not have a cake vessel, simply secure a sheet pan and bend it around your head - or, if you're thinking very clearly - around someone else's head, perhaps in insolent officer! Or, just use a standard issue bucket, if you must be boring! This should provide you an appropriate cake vessel! Arrange the suckers on the walls of the bucket / cake vessel! If your gunship's weapons have not charred them too badly, they should still be moist enough to stick to the walls of their own volition! Failing this, you may use honey! Delicious either way!

Once your cake vessel / bucket is lined with suckers, pour in a standard almond cake mix, such as can be acquired at any properly stocked spaceport. If you are pressed for time, simply dock your ship at the spaceport and stride out the airlock screaming "I REQUIRE ALMOND CAKE MIX OR BE DESTROYED!" Consider firing your sidearm randomly in all directions for added urgency! Security forces should bring you cake mix in short order! Be sure they have brought you almond cake mix. If not, try shouting "CHOCOLATE!?!? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!?!? I'M ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE, PATHETIC CREATURES!!! ALMOND CAKE MIX OR BE DESTROYED!!!! You may then devour the chief of security to make an example of him! Almond cake mix secured, disengage your ship from the spaceport - or don't, if you're in a hurry - and retreat to a safe orbit! You can jettison the spaceport lock ring assembly, debris, bulkhead fragments, bodies, and extraneous security personnel on the way to save time! Prepare the cake mix and pour it in the cake vessel!

Place the cake vessel in a preheated oven set to 6300 degrees for six seconds! Try not to overbake! Remove and place in a crucible to cool for twenty-four Earth-hours! Try not to burn yourself! For safety, destroy any personnel who come near the kitchen during the cooling process! When cool, invert the cake vessel and shake out the sucker dome! If it sticks, try shouting!

Now is the time to summon your family for the consuming of sucker dome! CONSUME! RECIPE ENDS!

I AM OTEOGG! I HAVE SPOKEN!

Click for larger image! Or are you a coward?

Kooking Kornir - Strubbian Meat Pods

Puny Earthlings! Prepare your scrawny brains to receive critical data pertaining to the capture, preparation and consumption of Strubbian meat pods or be destroyed!

If you are like me, Oteogg - Conqueror of All Space, you know the difficulties of discovering adequate nutrition in the form of proteinous vegetative organisms on the various moons of Strubb, as it is with the moons of all the planets in the large Magellanic cloud! One does not wish to be deployed in the Large Magellanic Cloud for extended periods with insufficient provisions I can tell you! Graaaah!

The large Magellanic Cloud. Easy parking day and night.

You creatures will shower me with your gratitude and prostrate yourselves before me when I show you how to make Meat Pods!

Many species do not know of the nutritive qualities of the Strubbian Pod tree, a commonly found vegetable in the northern regions of the moons of Strubb! Begin by locating and destroying a pod tree. Then, while it is still warm, sever the pods from the branches with a standard energy-based sidearm. Do not use a projectile weapon or saw to sever the pods, for the sap of the pod tree is flammable, corrosive, and has an unpleasant flavor. An energy weapon such as a combat laser or ordinary laser spatula cauterizes the tissues of the pod tree as it cuts, preventing issue of the potentially explosive and non-delicious juices. Withhold your eagerness to smash the pods, revealing the meat within! They must be roasted before they will relinquish their meat! of course, a mere plant does not know that resistance is futile! Also, ignore the cries of the tree! It is pathetic and unworthy!

Roast the pods over a burning village set to medium heat. If the dwellings are of a wood-like construction, be sure to keep the meat pods slightly higher above the flames to prevent scorching! If two Earth-days pass and the pods are still firm to the touch, consider setting fire to a few extra farms to speed cooking.

In the fullness of time, your pods shall become slightly soft. The time has now come to consume! Open the pods with a knife, hatchet, or shard of broken window and extract the meat with your various mouth parts! Let the weak be fed after the strong have had their fill! Twenty pods serves a family of six entities!

I am Oteogg! I have spoken!

Kooking Kornir - Compressed meat disc of adequate nutrition!

Mouth vehicles, prepare to construct a hyper-savory nutrient puck to fulfill the belly requirements of your hungriest planetary conquerors! Behold the compressed meat disc of adequate nutrition!

Initiate procedure in this fashion! Acquire sixteen pounds of well-marbled creature meat. Marbling occurs when creatures are largely sedentary, so let us hope that your victims did not receive adequate physical conditioning before choosing to become your supplicants! BAH hah hah hah hah! Depending on creature physiology and your metabolism, you may choose to de-horn, de-fur, or de-scale your creatures.

My adventures have shown me the wisdom of choosing to cook using humans. They are rarely well-conditioned for battle and seem to reproduce in large numbers at any convenience, rather than at preordained optimal biological cycles. The fools! If choosing humans for your meat disc of adequate nutrition, endeavor to harvest them during their nocturnal somnolent phase. They are less resistant to conquering during this time. Additionally, you will find the humans to be more savory upon consumption if you scare them before preparation. Humans are most easily frightened by utterances of a single syllable at very high volumes. Appropriate volume for frightening humans is slightly above what I would call a "conversational bellow". My most successful syllable is "GRAAAAHHH". Scare to taste with syllable of your choice!

Place your creature meat into a freshly cleansed compression cylinder, such as may be found in the hydraulics bay of your starship. The pressures required to actuate standard starship landing gear (530 pounds per square Earth-inch) are also very nearly ideal for creature meat compression. If you are are accustomed to the cuisine of the northern reaches of the Spyuff mountains on the second moon of Ixst, you may also choose to leave your compression cylinder in an un-cleansed state, for the various flavors that hydraulic fluid imparts to your creature meat. Those entities of Ixst really know how to wantonly celebrate! They are aware of their identities!

After two standard lunar orbits, test your meat disc with a claw. If the meat is insolent or is too soft, compress an additional lunar cycle or until meat disc has learned some manners. The meat disc can be difficult to extract from the compression cylinder. If I am extremely hungry or merely impatient, I prefer to simply crash the ship into a convenient planetoid, extricating the newly-formed meat disc from the wreckage. Destruction of a perfectly serviceable starship is also a delightful excuse to serve canapes and get in some additional shouting.

 Locate meat disc among the wreckage and messily devour! Alternately, meat discs of adequate nutrition of this nature can be stored for many lunar cycles, providing convenient energy to all your metabolic functions on your longest forced marches across surfaces of varied conditions!

When served as the centerpiece to a gala luncheon, the meat disc goes well with chardonnay, strawberry spritzer, or hydrogen. Do not plan to accommodate leftovers! All fragments of the  meat disc of adequate nutrition shall form an accretion disc spiraling rapidly into your guests' toothy maws with no hope of escape! You shall see!

Recipe complete! I am Oteogg! Hear me!