Showing posts with label ads. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ads. Show all posts
4/30/21
1/25/19
Calvert Reserve dog endorsement.
Good morning, citizens! You know how Americans will buy any product if a famous person is paid to stand next to the product in a photograph, withe the consumers believing they will be as beautiful and famous as the celebrity if only they buy the makeup/car/shoes? Yep, the same goes for dogs. In this case, Basil Rathbone's dog.
No, not that way. Dog's don't care about celebrity endorsements. That would be stupid. No no, I mean that humans will buy a product if a famous person's dog sits next to it, of course.
No, the dog's name is not Basil Dogbone, like you'd hope. It's Moritza, like you'd be very bored to find out.
This ad was in the November, 1948 issue of American Legion Magazine, which means that not only is Basil Rathbone dead by now (1967, heart attack), but Moritza is almost as assuredly dead by now as well... probably of liver disease. I hear she was a surly drunk, taking a swing at anyone who walked between her and her Calvert.
It's frikkin cold out, people (-4 in Chicago). Have a drink with your dog.
No, the dog's name is not Basil Dogbone, like you'd hope. It's Moritza, like you'd be very bored to find out.
This ad was in the November, 1948 issue of American Legion Magazine, which means that not only is Basil Rathbone dead by now (1967, heart attack), but Moritza is almost as assuredly dead by now as well... probably of liver disease. I hear she was a surly drunk, taking a swing at anyone who walked between her and her Calvert.
It's frikkin cold out, people (-4 in Chicago). Have a drink with your dog.
12/19/18
Scotch Tape - Holds together Christmas!
Hey everybody! Tape! You know what Christmas? Tape! Everybody must have tape! Tape tape tape! Tape is required! All must tape! Tapetapetapetapetapetape!
This ad from the 12/18/1950 issue of LIFE magazine is here to help you figure out what to do with all that tape your bought for unrelated reasons. Use it to Christmas! First among tape's many uses that you would never figure out on your own is making a "friendship tree"!!! That's right! "What the hell is a friendship tree?" Well, first you start by friendshipfully killing a tree and dragging it into your house. To find out the rest, just tilt your eyeballs downward slightly!
**Service announcement**
This two-page ad has been scanned in two parts, because Google doesn't let you post pictures larger than 1600px in their longest dimension. So, instead of a single image 1600px across, we have posted two pages, each 1600px high. So now, you might have a chance of reading the text in the ad, if that's what you're into. See? Always thinking of YOU! That's our motto or whatever! If you printed these pictures out and are trying to reassemble them in the form of the original ad, here's a hint to solving the jigsaw puzzle. The page with Bing on it goes on the left. You're welcome!
[-Mgmt.]
If you follow Scotch's advice about how to Christmas, you'll use about nine dollars in Scotch tape per gift. Use it as ribbon! Use it instead of wrapping paper! Tape your lights to the tree! Use it to keep your eyes open while assembling a bike at 3am in total silence! Then there's your friendship tree thing, which means taping cards to your Christmas tree! What's in the roast turkey instead of stuffing? Tape, idiot! If the Scotch marketing department had had their way, every American family would simply forgo the gift-giving tradition altogether and just spend their entire annual income on tape and just sit around sticking things together.
Hey. I just thought of this. Why weren't there any tapecentric Christmas carols written by Scotch's marketing department? Missed opportunity, guys. They really dropped the ball and taped it to the floor on that one.
Maybe you feel like listening to an ancient Bing Crosby family Christmas radio show? Okay, here. Have that.
https://youtu.be/Bcp8dyys8Ok
This ad from the 12/18/1950 issue of LIFE magazine is here to help you figure out what to do with all that tape your bought for unrelated reasons. Use it to Christmas! First among tape's many uses that you would never figure out on your own is making a "friendship tree"!!! That's right! "What the hell is a friendship tree?" Well, first you start by friendshipfully killing a tree and dragging it into your house. To find out the rest, just tilt your eyeballs downward slightly!
**Service announcement**
This two-page ad has been scanned in two parts, because Google doesn't let you post pictures larger than 1600px in their longest dimension. So, instead of a single image 1600px across, we have posted two pages, each 1600px high. So now, you might have a chance of reading the text in the ad, if that's what you're into. See? Always thinking of YOU! That's our motto or whatever! If you printed these pictures out and are trying to reassemble them in the form of the original ad, here's a hint to solving the jigsaw puzzle. The page with Bing on it goes on the left. You're welcome!
[-Mgmt.]
If you follow Scotch's advice about how to Christmas, you'll use about nine dollars in Scotch tape per gift. Use it as ribbon! Use it instead of wrapping paper! Tape your lights to the tree! Use it to keep your eyes open while assembling a bike at 3am in total silence! Then there's your friendship tree thing, which means taping cards to your Christmas tree! What's in the roast turkey instead of stuffing? Tape, idiot! If the Scotch marketing department had had their way, every American family would simply forgo the gift-giving tradition altogether and just spend their entire annual income on tape and just sit around sticking things together.
Hey. I just thought of this. Why weren't there any tapecentric Christmas carols written by Scotch's marketing department? Missed opportunity, guys. They really dropped the ball and taped it to the floor on that one.
Maybe you feel like listening to an ancient Bing Crosby family Christmas radio show? Okay, here. Have that.
https://youtu.be/Bcp8dyys8Ok
2/21/18
Get a lift with a Camel! - Olympikcy!
Just in time for the end of the Olympics, we've found something Olympicky! Camel cigarettes were the secret ingredient to Olympic gold in 1935! Observe!
We found this ad in a 1935 copy of Fortune magazine, the favored periodical of the Monopoly guy. The ad clearly proves that Olympic speed skater Jack Shea used Camels as part of his post-race recovery regimen. They restore his "pep". See, cigarettes provide an "abundant supply of stamina and energy".
That's a laugh. Maybe it'll be funny to look up how Shea died. That should only take a second. Let's see.. clickety clack... aah here it is.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Shea_(speed_skater)
Jack Amos Shea... mumble mumble... nickname "The Chief"... mumble mumble... American double-gold medalist... mumble mumble... died January 22, 2002, aged ninety-one. Say WHAT? Double you tee eff?
https://www.sports-reference.com/olympics/athletes/sh/jack-shea-1.html
Shea's son (1964 and 1968 Olympics) and grandson (2002 Olympics) were also Olympians, and it was just before the 2002 Olympics, where he would have watched his grandson win a gold in the skeleton event, if Jack hadn't died in a car accident shortly before the games. So, what took him out was a car accident. He didn't seem to suffer some dreary and horrible decline due to lung cancer.
Jeez. Even though this doesn't fit the conventional narrative, there's still not much reason to run out an begin a long and fruitful tobacco habit. But wow. Ninety-one.
Anyway, who else owed their lifelong success to Camels? A draftsman, a store manager, a tree surgeon, and this lady: Mrs. William Wetmore. See, since it was 1935, she didn't get to have a name. She was simply an appendage of her husband. And he, in turn, gave her a new appendage in the form of a new surname to replace the old clunky one she was born with: Wetmore. Man, I wish I could think of a joke about that, but nothing springs to mind. Ah well, I'm sure something will come up. So what did Missus Billy Wetmore do with all her Camel-fueled energy?
She was a... "New York society leader"? Good for her. The headlines are full of unfortunate stories about societies that wind up on the wrong side of the law because they don't have anyone to lead them. I don't know how many times this week I've read about misguided societies holding up liquor stores or shooting smack under a bridge. Damn shame. Thanks, Mrs. William Wetmore! And thank, you, Camels, for all our pep!
Oh yeah. The Camel Caravan is promoted at the bottom of the ad. That was a radio show. It sounded pretty much like you'd expect - tootling clarinets and horns that sound like they were recorded in somebody's nose. Here, smell for yourself. Hear for yourself. You're welcome!
That's a laugh. Maybe it'll be funny to look up how Shea died. That should only take a second. Let's see.. clickety clack... aah here it is.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Shea_(speed_skater)
Jack Amos Shea... mumble mumble... nickname "The Chief"... mumble mumble... American double-gold medalist... mumble mumble... died January 22, 2002, aged ninety-one. Say WHAT? Double you tee eff?
https://www.sports-reference.com/olympics/athletes/sh/jack-shea-1.html
Shea's son (1964 and 1968 Olympics) and grandson (2002 Olympics) were also Olympians, and it was just before the 2002 Olympics, where he would have watched his grandson win a gold in the skeleton event, if Jack hadn't died in a car accident shortly before the games. So, what took him out was a car accident. He didn't seem to suffer some dreary and horrible decline due to lung cancer.
Jeez. Even though this doesn't fit the conventional narrative, there's still not much reason to run out an begin a long and fruitful tobacco habit. But wow. Ninety-one.
Anyway, who else owed their lifelong success to Camels? A draftsman, a store manager, a tree surgeon, and this lady: Mrs. William Wetmore. See, since it was 1935, she didn't get to have a name. She was simply an appendage of her husband. And he, in turn, gave her a new appendage in the form of a new surname to replace the old clunky one she was born with: Wetmore. Man, I wish I could think of a joke about that, but nothing springs to mind. Ah well, I'm sure something will come up. So what did Missus Billy Wetmore do with all her Camel-fueled energy?
She was a... "New York society leader"? Good for her. The headlines are full of unfortunate stories about societies that wind up on the wrong side of the law because they don't have anyone to lead them. I don't know how many times this week I've read about misguided societies holding up liquor stores or shooting smack under a bridge. Damn shame. Thanks, Mrs. William Wetmore! And thank, you, Camels, for all our pep!
Oh yeah. The Camel Caravan is promoted at the bottom of the ad. That was a radio show. It sounded pretty much like you'd expect - tootling clarinets and horns that sound like they were recorded in somebody's nose. Here, s
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2/15/18
Learn karate at home faster this easy picture way!
You at reading! Yes you! Stop read and get karate at home and learn this easy picture way! Not words way! Self should be defend against all! Words bad! Go karate on words, POW!
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| Fear no man or giant! Brutes and muggers are also not a problem. However, no mention of knolls, goblins, orcs, or bugbears, though. It's possible they all have some sort of anti-karate AOE spell that nullifies your picture-way karate. Beware all non-brutes, non-giants, non-muggers, and non-mans. |
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| No "mumbo jumbo". It's possible that mumbo jumbo would be effective against orcs, goblins, etc., but cannot be taught in easy picture way. For proper mumbo jumbo training, see Deepak Chopra, Dr. Oz, or Gwyneth Paltrow. |
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| Karate expert splits 1" x 2" board with one swift blow of hand. Once again, the karate ad is foiled by its greatest enemy, the quotation mark. A one-inch by two-inch board would indeed be hard to split with your hand, but simpler still to just throw it away. If that's a one by two inch board in the picture, it's good to know our President once found work as a hand model. Zing! |
This practice dummy is "suitable for mounting". Assuming that the mounting in question is of the "stick it on a wall" type and not the "humping like a baboon" kind, the same could be said of the beer-soaked cocktail napkin that is stuck to the ceiling of my basement rumpus room. It better be suitable for mounting, cause it's definitely mounted to the ceiling.
It seems that the wiener punch is an
Best to just avoid kids, people.
1/11/18
Jameson Whiskey - So... dolls?
In the 1939 issue of Fortune magazine, journal of captains of industry and what the Monopoly guy reads on the can, you'll see lots and lots of ads for hard liquor. Boy, did those industry captains like to salute the bottle. Yowza. This ad has weird dolls, for some reason.
Usually, when an ad has a baffling picture, there'll be some kind of visual pun or hint in the copy that helps the picture make sense. Nope. Just those weird Art Clokey figures pouring us a glass of Jameson's finest... through a bung hole punched in the side of the bottle, somehow?
It seems that's how the art director solved the problem of "How do you show a ten-inch wooden dude pouring a drink while keeping the label right side up so the reader can read it?" Bizarre.
Well, they were probably having a little Jameson at the production meeting.
Usually, when an ad has a baffling picture, there'll be some kind of visual pun or hint in the copy that helps the picture make sense. Nope. Just those weird Art Clokey figures pouring us a glass of Jameson's finest... through a bung hole punched in the side of the bottle, somehow?
It seems that's how the art director solved the problem of "How do you show a ten-inch wooden dude pouring a drink while keeping the label right side up so the reader can read it?" Bizarre.
Well, they were probably having a little Jameson at the production meeting.
1/4/18
Blitz Burner - Burning your trash the modern way.
Okay. In 1955, Climate Change / Global Warming were not really things that science was worried about... or even had names for. People commonly burned garbage in their yards. As far as anyone knew, the soot and smoke simply went up into the sky and just kept on going, up into space. There was no way that human activity could possibly have a cumulative effect on the entire planet, so far as anybody knew.
Leaving environmental responsibility aside, there are still some eyebrow-raising things about this ad for the Blitz Burner.
Back in '55, your average backyard incinerator was a concrete affair with a rusty wrought-iron grating somewhere on it to let the smoke out, and keep woodland varmints from getting in or something. I don't think anybody ever had the notion to use the thing as a grill.
Sure, the possibility was obvious. A thing with fire in it and a metal rack on top, at pretty much perfect grilling height, no less. Who wouldn't have thought of using it to cook food? Anyone who came within a few yards of it, that's who. Burning trash stinks, and the smell of it, and the general effluvium, tended to marry itself eternally to the very structure of whatever it was burned in.
People burned pretty much any kind of household garbage that was even vaguely flammable in their backyard incinerators. Old rotten food, and especially unpleasant diapers that were irretrievably filthy. Anything that was awful enough that you wanted to kill with fire went into the family incinerator. That was the point.
But the clever folks at Montamower Distributing Co. weren't squeamish about using the same thing you burn garbage in to cook food. Let's assume that you wouldn't be using a trash fire to cook burgers. Montamower probably intended its customers to toss in a few mesquite logs or something. Still... wow.
There's a reason this idea never caught on. But maybe, in the Blitz Burner's defense, since the unit was all metal, you could concievably hose it out, fresh and clean, every time you used it, making it hunky-dory for cooking food with. ...Mmmmmaybe.
Still, no way.
And then there's the name. In 1955, World War 2 was just ten years into memory. America was enjoying a booming economy and the invention of the suburbs was making it possible for loads of (usually white) people to enjoy a little bit of the American Dream.
In London, however, they were still smarting from having most of their city bombed into gravel after a little thing called "the Blitz", courtesy of the Third Reich. So, to name your new product the Blitz Burner has all the tact of marketing... say.... a bug spray, calling it "The 9/11 of hornets". It's kind of hard to imagine that nobody asked the boss if they was sure about that idea.
Leaving environmental responsibility aside, there are still some eyebrow-raising things about this ad for the Blitz Burner.
Sure, the possibility was obvious. A thing with fire in it and a metal rack on top, at pretty much perfect grilling height, no less. Who wouldn't have thought of using it to cook food? Anyone who came within a few yards of it, that's who. Burning trash stinks, and the smell of it, and the general effluvium, tended to marry itself eternally to the very structure of whatever it was burned in.
People burned pretty much any kind of household garbage that was even vaguely flammable in their backyard incinerators. Old rotten food, and especially unpleasant diapers that were irretrievably filthy. Anything that was awful enough that you wanted to kill with fire went into the family incinerator. That was the point.
But the clever folks at Montamower Distributing Co. weren't squeamish about using the same thing you burn garbage in to cook food. Let's assume that you wouldn't be using a trash fire to cook burgers. Montamower probably intended its customers to toss in a few mesquite logs or something. Still... wow.
There's a reason this idea never caught on. But maybe, in the Blitz Burner's defense, since the unit was all metal, you could concievably hose it out, fresh and clean, every time you used it, making it hunky-dory for cooking food with. ...Mmmmmaybe.
Still, no way.
And then there's the name. In 1955, World War 2 was just ten years into memory. America was enjoying a booming economy and the invention of the suburbs was making it possible for loads of (usually white) people to enjoy a little bit of the American Dream.
In London, however, they were still smarting from having most of their city bombed into gravel after a little thing called "the Blitz", courtesy of the Third Reich. So, to name your new product the Blitz Burner has all the tact of marketing... say.... a bug spray, calling it "The 9/11 of hornets". It's kind of hard to imagine that nobody asked the boss if they was sure about that idea.
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11/8/17
International Harvester... refrigerators? Femineered!
Whether or not you view the past as "the good old days" or "the dark ages" has everything to do with who you are. If you're a seventy-something year old white guy, 1950 might look pretty rosy when viewed through your particular shade of colored glasses. Let us recall that, in 1950, you could market a refrigerator (which International Harvester apparently did, I guess???) with an ad campaign like "femineered".
If you read the list of features in the copy - things like spaciousness, efficiency, and convenience - you'll be reading a list of things that men absolutely hate in a fridge. We are only left to assume that International Harvester's line of "mangeneered" fridges leaked air like it was made from colanders, had shelves designed to hold everything poorly, fell apart in a week, and consumed as much electricity as everything else in your house combined. Thankfully, International Harvester was there to deduce that only women want a smartly designed product.
Or, it was just a refrigerator, a thing that goes in a kitchen, which made it the sole purview of a woman?
Well, that was a long time ago. We've learned so much since then. Of course, no company now would be dumb enough to patronize fifty percent of the popula- Oh jeez...
https://jalopnik.com/this-car-for-women-designed-by-cosmopolitan-is-about-a-1786899869
If you read the list of features in the copy - things like spaciousness, efficiency, and convenience - you'll be reading a list of things that men absolutely hate in a fridge. We are only left to assume that International Harvester's line of "mangeneered" fridges leaked air like it was made from colanders, had shelves designed to hold everything poorly, fell apart in a week, and consumed as much electricity as everything else in your house combined. Thankfully, International Harvester was there to deduce that only women want a smartly designed product.
Or, it was just a refrigerator, a thing that goes in a kitchen, which made it the sole purview of a woman?
Well, that was a long time ago. We've learned so much since then. Of course, no company now would be dumb enough to patronize fifty percent of the popula- Oh jeez...
https://jalopnik.com/this-car-for-women-designed-by-cosmopolitan-is-about-a-1786899869
What do you get when a women’s magazine like Cosmopolitan wants to create a car for women and teams up with Spanish automaker Seat? You get the Seat Mii by Cosmopolitan, and these are the features that the magazine and Seat decided were necessary: purple or white exterior paint, champagne colored wing mirrors, headlights with an “eyeliner shape,” jeweled wheels and ease of parking.
10/25/17
The Guys Preferred Profile Pants
Fashion shoot. A model pretending to be a cartoon hobo.
In 1970, The Guys made pants, it seems. Stripey ones. Someone else made belts with giant holes in them, just to make sure they stretched quickly and looked stupid immediately.
Sorry, English readers, you must be confused. See, in America, "pants" is interchangeable with "trousers". Only in The Empire does "pants" mean "underpants".
Also sorry, readers here in The Future, you must be confused. See, in 1970, "a haircut" meant one poof over each ear and a third poof on top of your head. Only in The Seventies was this "groovy".
So, how to sell your pants as travel companions? Prop up your model against a tree in front of the art director's house as if he's clearly not resting from a long week riding in a box car. Then, hand him a bindle (that polka-dot bag on a stick that all cartoon hobos carry) and that lesser-known hobo prop, a cigar butt on a toothpick. Presumably, the idea is that a penniless tramp could smoke the cigar all the way down to nothing if he didn't have to hold it in his fingers.
The Bindle, from a design standpoint, is a flawed bit of engineering. Is there anything you can carry in a tied-up hanky that is more easily carried when suspended from a stick? It still takes one hand to lug around that way. Does it somehow require less effort to hang on to one end of a cantilevered stick over your shoulder, as opposed to just hooking two fingers through the hanky-sack and just letting it hang at the end of your arm? Sheesh. You've really let me down, The Tramp Community. I've come to expect better design solutions from unemployable drifters. This must be why so few engineering firms employ hobos.
Anyway, if, for some reason, you're a user of some kind of social networking service and you're tired of using the Windows 95 logo as your profile picture, we've got you covered. It's the poofy-headed groovy hobo from this ad. He's 1000 x 1000 pixels, so he's ready to represent your face when your real face just won't do. If that's what you're into. You're welcome, I guess.
Sorry, English readers, you must be confused. See, in America, "pants" is interchangeable with "trousers". Only in The Empire does "pants" mean "underpants".
Also sorry, readers here in The Future, you must be confused. See, in 1970, "a haircut" meant one poof over each ear and a third poof on top of your head. Only in The Seventies was this "groovy".
So, how to sell your pants as travel companions? Prop up your model against a tree in front of the art director's house as if he's clearly not resting from a long week riding in a box car. Then, hand him a bindle (that polka-dot bag on a stick that all cartoon hobos carry) and that lesser-known hobo prop, a cigar butt on a toothpick. Presumably, the idea is that a penniless tramp could smoke the cigar all the way down to nothing if he didn't have to hold it in his fingers.
The Bindle, from a design standpoint, is a flawed bit of engineering. Is there anything you can carry in a tied-up hanky that is more easily carried when suspended from a stick? It still takes one hand to lug around that way. Does it somehow require less effort to hang on to one end of a cantilevered stick over your shoulder, as opposed to just hooking two fingers through the hanky-sack and just letting it hang at the end of your arm? Sheesh. You've really let me down, The Tramp Community. I've come to expect better design solutions from unemployable drifters. This must be why so few engineering firms employ hobos.
Anyway, if, for some reason, you're a user of some kind of social networking service and you're tired of using the Windows 95 logo as your profile picture, we've got you covered. It's the poofy-headed groovy hobo from this ad. He's 1000 x 1000 pixels, so he's ready to represent your face when your real face just won't do. If that's what you're into. You're welcome, I guess.
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10/19/17
U.S. Gypsum - She's impressed.
Aaaah, gypsum! Is there any part of your life that hasn't been improved with the miracle of gypsum? While you're working on that question, here's a free Graphic Gift of an impressed lady!
Yep, she's blown away by the smoothness of her new walls, since they're not plaster applied to a wooden lath substrate with a trowel. Wow! Such dirty talk for so early in the morning!
Anyway, she's pretty funny. She could probably be a nice addition to your ever-growing Graphic Gift collection on your hard drive of choice. Howzabout we pop her out of her ad and give her an alpha channel background?
Yeah, there we go. She could be impressed with just about anything you care to position her next to. With her original word bubble in place, she could even deliver a compliment to a particularly deft bit of public grace. See?
So, we'll also need to have a version of her with her "smooth" in place...
There. Oh, she could have ever such wonderful adventures in your Graphic Blandishment application of choice. What will you do with her?
Yep, she's blown away by the smoothness of her new walls, since they're not plaster applied to a wooden lath substrate with a trowel. Wow! Such dirty talk for so early in the morning!
Anyway, she's pretty funny. She could probably be a nice addition to your ever-growing Graphic Gift collection on your hard drive of choice. Howzabout we pop her out of her ad and give her an alpha channel background?
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Yeah, there we go. She could be impressed with just about anything you care to position her next to. With her original word bubble in place, she could even deliver a compliment to a particularly deft bit of public grace. See?
So, we'll also need to have a version of her with her "smooth" in place...
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There. Oh, she could have ever such wonderful adventures in your Graphic Blandishment application of choice. What will you do with her?
10/16/17
Hyp-mo-tize!
Whatever you're doing right now, stop it at once and drink a mouthful of coffee, because in a few seconds, you're going to need to do a spit take. Unless you send away for this complete 25-lesson GUIDE TO HYPNOTISM, you will always be a loser. But don't take my word for it. Just assume that everything in this 1963 ad is completely true. Yes. Do that.
Why would you continue to fight your way through life influencing others with sound arguments and reasonable viewpoints, when you can simply EXERT YOUR POWER OVER OTHERS? This ad appeals to all the best facets of human nature: The desire for fame and popularity through power and control over others.
Imagine the life you could lead. See the man in this picture? Imagine how popular he is! This could be you! Look how popular! Why aren't you loved by others? Because you're not doing this!!!
You're probably wondering how this could possibly work. If you're still thinking like that, you haven't been properly hypnotized. Stop not being hypnotized. If you need proof that hypnotism works exactly like the ad says, just remember that this ad is from 1963, and because of the good work this ad has done, here in The Future, everyone is now completely hypnotized all the time and we no longer need doctors or medicine of any kind and everyone is popular and completely happy always. Duh. Oh yeah, except for you. You're the only one. You loser.
Just do what the ad says. You could be performing all sorts of life-saving surgeries (on yourself, because everyone else is already hypno-healed and stuff) by hypnotizing people into thinking they've had life-saving surgeries (actually, just you). ...If you weren't such a skeptic, that is.
Eventually, you yourself could learn to perform that greatest of medical procedures, the dollar-ninety-eight-ectomy. Imagine how much money you'd have then!
Still not convinced? Well, you're a jerk. Maybe you haven't noticed that there's a picture of a squinty, unnamed man pointing at you. Yes, RIGHT AT YOU!
Still not convinced? Then you're the worst person in the world. Maybe you need to take this 1000x1000 pixel version of the Squinty Pointy Man and make him your profile picture on whatever FaceTube social media thingy you use. That way, every time you log in, you'll be forced to think about the life you could be having, exerting your power over others.
UPDATE: Alert Reader Sandy sent in this file photo of Hypnoguy before the surgery. (See below). Thanks, Sandy. We'll have an easier time spotting him, knowing his past!
Why would you continue to fight your way through life influencing others with sound arguments and reasonable viewpoints, when you can simply EXERT YOUR POWER OVER OTHERS? This ad appeals to all the best facets of human nature: The desire for fame and popularity through power and control over others.
Imagine the life you could lead. See the man in this picture? Imagine how popular he is! This could be you! Look how popular! Why aren't you loved by others? Because you're not doing this!!!
You're probably wondering how this could possibly work. If you're still thinking like that, you haven't been properly hypnotized. Stop not being hypnotized. If you need proof that hypnotism works exactly like the ad says, just remember that this ad is from 1963, and because of the good work this ad has done, here in The Future, everyone is now completely hypnotized all the time and we no longer need doctors or medicine of any kind and everyone is popular and completely happy always. Duh. Oh yeah, except for you. You're the only one. You loser.
Just do what the ad says. You could be performing all sorts of life-saving surgeries (on yourself, because everyone else is already hypno-healed and stuff) by hypnotizing people into thinking they've had life-saving surgeries (actually, just you). ...If you weren't such a skeptic, that is.
Eventually, you yourself could learn to perform that greatest of medical procedures, the dollar-ninety-eight-ectomy. Imagine how much money you'd have then!
Still not convinced? Well, you're a jerk. Maybe you haven't noticed that there's a picture of a squinty, unnamed man pointing at you. Yes, RIGHT AT YOU!
Still not convinced? Then you're the worst person in the world. Maybe you need to take this 1000x1000 pixel version of the Squinty Pointy Man and make him your profile picture on whatever FaceTube social media thingy you use. That way, every time you log in, you'll be forced to think about the life you could be having, exerting your power over others.
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This is what he REALLY looked like, before they made him look human. I found it in a reference book on Area 52 (where they REALLY did that alien autopsy stuff).
UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: He's clearly from Metaluna, as was Brak, in This Island Earth (1955).
10/12/17
Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers - What the fraud?
This ad for "Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers" was found in the May 1963 issue of "On the Q.T." magazine. In case you're somehow unaware of the enduring sociological legacy of On the Q.T. magazine, here's a couple of sample covers from the same year:
So, hard-hitting investigative journalism, of course. On the Q.T. may have been completely justified in calling itself "The CLASS Magazine In Its Field" in the same way one might be able to honestly say "This here is the handsomest maggot in this dead varmint carcass." The qualifier "in its field" isn't flattering.
Within it's pages, as you may expect, fascinating writing abounds, but our attention was particularly drawn to a full-page ad for "Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers". Here's an advertising pro tip. Hyphenate words that your readers may be too ignorant to pronounce all in one breath. They'll appreciate you simplifying all that fancy tech talk regarding second-grade scien-tific prin-ci-ples. Anyway, here's the ad:
The biggest text in the ad. "LIKE GETTING FREE TIRES" grabs the attention of your ideal consumer - those who feel cheated when they need to spend money on normal automotive wear items. "There's got to be a better way!"
There is! If you mount two eight-inch "gyroscopes" on your front wheels of yourmushy boat car, you will enjoy the following benefits:
-Your car will ride more safely and smoothly by preventing the front wheels from deflecting to one side or the other on bumps. (Vaguely possible, but not with these things.)
-The front wheels will resist bumps. (Not possible.)
-Parts on the steering rack will not wear out. (Sort of, but not really.)
-The tires will last much longer. (Sort of plausible, if the previous claim is true, which it probably isn't.)
So what are these things? They look like rings with two crescent-shaped weights in them, and what look to be three adjustable bolt cups that can slide around the rings a little bit, allowing for different lug spacings. They look they're about eight inches in diameter, and can't weigh more than a couple of pounds each.
There is even a picture of a lucky motorist bolting some Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers to his wheel. You remove a few lug nuts, put the stabilizers on, and reinstall the lug nuts.
The ad relies upon you having no experience playing with agyroscope gyro-scope. If you have, you'll recall that the gyroscopic effect pretty much resists rotation only against the plane of the spinning rotor. The gyroscope doesn't care about sliding up and down, or left and right.
The claims about smoothing out bumps can't be true. The gyroscopic effect of the rings will resist sudden steering inputs only, and will freely move up and down with the actuation of the suspension. Granted, in the case of pretty much every domestic car in 1963, steering and handling was vague at best, and could be accurately described as "swimmy". Sudden bumps could easily yank the steering wheel around.
Not to mention the fact that, the less a gyroscope's rotor weighs, the faster it has to spin in order for it's gyroscopic effect to be felt. You'd probably need to exceed the maximum possible speed of the vehicle before Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers could begin to work their magic, and by then the tires would probably have flown apart from the centrifugal force of their rotation.
If the Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers did impart any gyroscopic effect to the front wheels, they might keep the steering rack from changing direction suddenly over stutter-bumps. If that were the case, it might extend the life of the components of the steering rack, like the tie rod ends and various bushings.
However, none of this stuff matters, because the Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers are tiny compared to the diameter of the wheel. Also, their mass (and subsequent gyroscopic influence) is nothing compared to the combined mass of the wheel and tire (about seventy pounds) which have their own natural gyroscopic effect due to their rotation as the vehicle travels. Any gyroscopic benefit of the product, if it were to spin fast enough - which it can't - would be vanishngly small, relative to the wheel's own gyroscopic effect. In order to do anything, the Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers' size and weight would have to be greater than that of the car's wheel, and that would introduce problems like being unable to steer the car, and the car's suspension and steering components being subjected to stresses several times greater than their designed capacity.
So, the Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers can't possibly have the intended effect. If anything, they might interfere with the lug nuts holding the wheel on. So, at the very least, if you were to buy some Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers, you might get to enjoy a scientific demonstration of your wheel's natural gyroscopic effect as it rolls happily away from you while you're driving, having been freed of your vehicle's tyranny by your new Gyro-Scopic Stabiliers. It would have been easier to just pay attention in grammar school science class.
So, hard-hitting investigative journalism, of course. On the Q.T. may have been completely justified in calling itself "The CLASS Magazine In Its Field" in the same way one might be able to honestly say "This here is the handsomest maggot in this dead varmint carcass." The qualifier "in its field" isn't flattering.
Within it's pages, as you may expect, fascinating writing abounds, but our attention was particularly drawn to a full-page ad for "Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers". Here's an advertising pro tip. Hyphenate words that your readers may be too ignorant to pronounce all in one breath. They'll appreciate you simplifying all that fancy tech talk regarding second-grade scien-tific prin-ci-ples. Anyway, here's the ad:
 |
| Click it to big it, baby. |
There is! If you mount two eight-inch "gyroscopes" on your front wheels of your
-Your car will ride more safely and smoothly by preventing the front wheels from deflecting to one side or the other on bumps. (Vaguely possible, but not with these things.)
-The front wheels will resist bumps. (Not possible.)
-Parts on the steering rack will not wear out. (Sort of, but not really.)
-The tires will last much longer. (Sort of plausible, if the previous claim is true, which it probably isn't.)
So what are these things? They look like rings with two crescent-shaped weights in them, and what look to be three adjustable bolt cups that can slide around the rings a little bit, allowing for different lug spacings. They look they're about eight inches in diameter, and can't weigh more than a couple of pounds each.
There is even a picture of a lucky motorist bolting some Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers to his wheel. You remove a few lug nuts, put the stabilizers on, and reinstall the lug nuts.
The ad relies upon you having no experience playing with a
The claims about smoothing out bumps can't be true. The gyroscopic effect of the rings will resist sudden steering inputs only, and will freely move up and down with the actuation of the suspension. Granted, in the case of pretty much every domestic car in 1963, steering and handling was vague at best, and could be accurately described as "swimmy". Sudden bumps could easily yank the steering wheel around.
Not to mention the fact that, the less a gyroscope's rotor weighs, the faster it has to spin in order for it's gyroscopic effect to be felt. You'd probably need to exceed the maximum possible speed of the vehicle before Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers could begin to work their magic, and by then the tires would probably have flown apart from the centrifugal force of their rotation.
If the Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers did impart any gyroscopic effect to the front wheels, they might keep the steering rack from changing direction suddenly over stutter-bumps. If that were the case, it might extend the life of the components of the steering rack, like the tie rod ends and various bushings.
However, none of this stuff matters, because the Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers are tiny compared to the diameter of the wheel. Also, their mass (and subsequent gyroscopic influence) is nothing compared to the combined mass of the wheel and tire (about seventy pounds) which have their own natural gyroscopic effect due to their rotation as the vehicle travels. Any gyroscopic benefit of the product, if it were to spin fast enough - which it can't - would be vanishngly small, relative to the wheel's own gyroscopic effect. In order to do anything, the Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers' size and weight would have to be greater than that of the car's wheel, and that would introduce problems like being unable to steer the car, and the car's suspension and steering components being subjected to stresses several times greater than their designed capacity.
So, the Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers can't possibly have the intended effect. If anything, they might interfere with the lug nuts holding the wheel on. So, at the very least, if you were to buy some Gyro-Scopic Stabilizers, you might get to enjoy a scientific demonstration of your wheel's natural gyroscopic effect as it rolls happily away from you while you're driving, having been freed of your vehicle's tyranny by your new Gyro-Scopic Stabiliers. It would have been easier to just pay attention in grammar school science class.
10/6/17
Rose's Fruit Squashes - Translating British.
Technically, Americans and The British speak the same language, but the dialects are miles apart. This is made plain by this 1952 ad for Rose's Fruit Squashes, which appeared in Picture Post (like LIFE magazine, but English). There's a lot to unpack in here, so let's translate some British to American.
Fruit Squashes - For one thing, there's the description of the product. Presumably, fruit "squash" is juice, right?
Good wicket - "Wicket" is a word that comprises about 75% of Cricket terminology (Cricket being the national sport of England, and massively popular throughout India, thanks to the propagation of the East India Company in the Nineteenth century.
Primarily, the "wicket" is the little assembly of wooden sticks that stand just behind the batsman. In effect, it serves as the strike zone in American baseball. The "bowler" has to knock down the wicket with the ball, while the batsman tries to hit the ball. The parts of the wicket are the three vertical "stumps" and the smaller "bails" that bridge across the tops of the stumps. It looks a little stonehengey.
Also, the pitch (field) upon which Cricket is played is called "the wicket".
Also also, "losing a wicket" refers to a batsman being dismissed by the bowler.
Shew! So, the ad having the title "Good wicket" might be interpreted as "nice play" or "nice hit".
"Bags I don't fetch the ball" - https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/bags
Good wicket - "Wicket" is a word that comprises about 75% of Cricket terminology (Cricket being the national sport of England, and massively popular throughout India, thanks to the propagation of the East India Company in the Nineteenth century.
Primarily, the "wicket" is the little assembly of wooden sticks that stand just behind the batsman. In effect, it serves as the strike zone in American baseball. The "bowler" has to knock down the wicket with the ball, while the batsman tries to hit the ball. The parts of the wicket are the three vertical "stumps" and the smaller "bails" that bridge across the tops of the stumps. It looks a little stonehengey.
Also, the pitch (field) upon which Cricket is played is called "the wicket".
Also also, "losing a wicket" refers to a batsman being dismissed by the bowler.
Shew! So, the ad having the title "Good wicket" might be interpreted as "nice play" or "nice hit".
"Bags I don't fetch the ball" - https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/bags
bags: children's slang , British and Australian
an indication of the desire to do, be, or have something
So, obliquely, the boy really doesn't want to go next door and get the ball... I think, since "Bags I don't fetch the ball" seems to imply he really wants to not get the ball. Something scary is next door.
"That man next door's got a long red beard and a black hat. Looks like an ogre." "No, idiot, he's a famaous artist. He draws pictures of ladies with one eye and three legs." - From the description of the artist's work, they should be describing Picasso. He did stay at a farmhouse in Sussex in 1950, which at the time was the home of his painter friend Roland Penrose.
 |
| Self-Portrait with Uncombed Hair, by Pablo Picasso. |
However, the part about the red beard and black hat sounds exactly like Vincent Van Gogh (which, for some reason, is pronounced "Van Goth" by every British person). A quick Google search shows that Picasso had brown-to-black hair. He wasn't a ginger.
Van Gogh. Red beard. Check. Long? Meh, not really. Black hat? I'm sure he had a black hat somewhere. Most people do.
However, the description of the painting style ("ladies with one eye and three legs"), sounds like Picasso. Van Gogh's style was a little more traditional than Picasso's.
 |
| Portraits by Van Gogh. |
 |
| Portrait of Woman, by Pablo Picasso. |
So, the question of which artist is the scary dude next door is a bit confused. Safe to say that traditional English society wasn't sure what to make of "the new painting style", which, at the time, had only been around for about a hundred years. They could be forgiven for confusing one scary painter for the other.
"Soppy, I call it." - http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/soppy Being overly emotional or sentimental. No surprise that a couple of kids would see any painting of a lady as "soppy".
"It's a cert." - http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/cert UK, informal. "Certain" or "certainly". Duh.
"But if he shows you his pictures, just say 'very interesting', like father does". - Oh, hah hah hah hah. Conservative English culture was freaked out by modernist painters. If only they had something more important to think about at the time, like finishing the rebuilding of London.
"Soppy, I call it." - http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/soppy Being overly emotional or sentimental. No surprise that a couple of kids would see any painting of a lady as "soppy".
"It's a cert." - http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/cert UK, informal. "Certain" or "certainly". Duh.
"But if he shows you his pictures, just say 'very interesting', like father does". - Oh, hah hah hah hah. Conservative English culture was freaked out by modernist painters. If only they had something more important to think about at the time, like finishing the rebuilding of London.
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