Stories of Questionable Values

Little Ads - Instant hot water and a camera monster.

Hm. I wonder why this never caught on.

I looked forward to buying all my camera equipment from this terrifying camera-person abomination, but all that's there now is a tandem bicycle:

Ukulele Lady

Joke #1 - The warm sands, the colors of the sunset, and the sultry island breezes of Hawaii were intoxicating. Good thing Judith and Hoyne brought along her sister, to sing about the beauty of abstinence and sultry island breezes.

Joke #2 - First the airport and now this. Man. The Hare Krishnas really were upping their game.

Joke #3 - "Hey hey mama, said the waaaay you mooove. Gon-na make you sweat, gon-na make you grooooove...." (plinka plinka plink, plinka plink)

Joke #4 - As the days got shorter, Hoyne became excited about the rapidly approaching harvest time. The Ukulele lady was almost perfectly ripe. This feast was going to be great.

Joke #5 - With the help of sensors embedded in her brain, the tsunami alert system would warn the islanders with relaxing songs about the destruction of all civilization.

Joke #6 - Oh great. The ukulele lady had just started performing The Rings of the Niebelung again, and it was almost dinner time. How to slip away quietly?

Mr.FancyAlohaPants_2 sent us Joke #7 via air mail. Thanks MFAP2- Van Johnson checked the pulse in his neck & wondered if he too would pass out from the Ukelele Maiden's terrible flatulence...

A fairly not appropriate Mr.NotEntirelyPC PoiPants_2 contributed this little gem. Thanks a LOT, MisterGettingUsLotsOfHateMail_2. - *Bonus* Joke # 8- " What a coincidence" thought Martin Milner, when the Ukelele Maiden had just popped up to sing about the Legendary "Terrible Island Pineapple Date Rape Drink".

Mr.NotEntirelyPC PoiPants_2

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

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National Schools - Pick your job.

With the help of The National Schools, you can have any one of nine high-pay jobs. You pick job now!

Panel Pointer.

Knob-To-Eleven-Turner / Cowbell Adder

Human Patch Cord

Cargo Cult Enthusiast

Nationally Televised Camera Tilter

Vacuum Tube Tweaker

Any Given Eighteen-Year-Old Male. Am I right? heh heh.

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Absorbine Jr. - Two clips arts (clips art?)!

Two pretty good clip arts now, from 1904's American Druggist magazine. "Clips of art"? "Art clips"? This ad for Absorbine Jr. wants you to know how profitable it is, so won't you advertise it in your drug store? No? Fine. Then just take what you want and go, you monster. Take your dumb clips of arts.

Apparently, lactic acid (the chemical that builds up in your muscles after heavy exercise and causes muscle soreness) was just called "fatigue acid" back in The Forty. It was a simpler time, when chemicals were named according to whether or not they were obviously bad or good. This is much as if a child had designed science. Wind would be called "hair-blow". All forms of metal would be called "klinky". Fire would be called "fun sauce".

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"Ah! There's your problem, Mr. Waitheworth. You have a compound fracture of the one by six. I recommend rubbing this goo on it. In the mean time, try favoring your other lumber for a few days."

You can use this handy picture to let your loved ones know how much you enjoy serving them, for some passive-aggressive hijinks. With a new caption, you can show them all how happy you are to pick up the kids from Foosball practice every day for a year after doing fifteen hours in the coal mine. Or you could leave a little note on the kitchen table showing how much you totally don't mind working two jobs just to support someone's superfluous shoe habit. 

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As for this guy, he's just pointing at something, I guess. "On your way out, don't forget your puddle." or "Are you going to finish that?" He'd make more sense if he had a thing to point at. Won't you help him out?

Right click save both of these guys onto your hard drive and give them both a new reason to exist. You're welcome!

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Science News - Your news... scienced!

U.S. Border Can Agent discovers contraband "small can" hidden inside perfectly legal "large can".

Portable Two-Way Radio Weighs Five Pounds. Can be Worn
By Two Men, Hidden Underneath Ordinary "Fashion Tarpaulin"
or Professional Sports Team Mascot Uniform.

Researchers finally discover use for coal, salt.

White's Cod Liver Oil - The singing fish.

This ad has almost no value for comedy. So sad. It's from the January 1940 issue of American Druggist, and as obscure trade magazines often are, it's pretty dry stuff. However, the drawings are worth the price of admission.

But first, why the hell do they keep throwing the word "ethical" around? It's used twice: "Here's a fast-moving ethical product..." and "this same high-powered ethical network". The research and Googling team couldn't find any evidence that it's some kind of code for "Christian-owned company" or anything. They only found a "nutritional supplement" company using the word as their name, but they don't sell evidence-based products, just superstitious woo. So, it will remain a mystery.

Anyway. Have some clip art. First, there's the singing fish, which is used to promote the White's army of salesmen as "face-to-face broadcast(ers)". My suspicion is that this tactic made their sales force seem more high-tech than a guy knocking on your door, tipping his fedora at you, which is probably what it actually was. Here's the singing fish at 1200 and 400 pixel widths, lightly contrasted and de-noised. If you're in a band, and your last name happens to be Fish, you're welcome. Meet your new business card.

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Here's the super-proud pharmacist, similarly cleaned up and with the "Rx" painted out, to make him less industry-specific. There. Your daily dose of Vitamin Graphic Gift is complete. You're welcome!

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The Progress of Today, Tomorrow!

Simple home-made gas mask is probably worse than just breathing unknown gas.

Tiny scientist warns of coming of giant, hideous, staring eyeball.

New whimsical child launcher can be fitted with selection springs for ammunition of varying
weight. Less effective after projectile bedtime. Also, possibly immoral unless ammunition has
been really really naughty.

New Advanced Developments from the Science!

Revolving jar rack holds twelve jars in space ordinarily required for just twelve jars, revolves.

Well-heeled customer considers custom luxury tumor of opal and gold,

an extravagance for the rich and questionable.

Transparent face mask is also said by inventor to be excellent toy, amuses children for hours, possibly much, much longer. Also in development: wool hats for keeping sandwiches fresh.

Little Ads - Opportunities for the Idle. Idles for the opportune.

Jobs news now, from the small ads in the back of Popular Science, 1940 style. Get yourself a career, or just learn to think. Choose wisely!

Students not guaranteed against career interference by MI6 agents. Results not intended for world domination.

Learn to think with alphabet. Advance self. Mind-train. Word-spell.

*Not a guarantee of Happy Land transport. Deagan Marimba training does not confer to the purchaser citizenship of Happy Land or of any Happy Land controlled territories. Route to Happy Land may not be navigable by mortal means, or exist. Offer void in event of international border conflicts with Happy Land, or international warfare between Happy Land and Joy Region, Ambivalence Town, Concerned Interest Metropolis, Reserved Enthusiasm District, and Village of Polite Disinterest. Fun not guaranteed at parties.

Ingenious Artist / Baker Creates Custom Pet Cookies!

Hey holiday eaters! Today we're going to take a cue from super clever baker and artist Rockwood Moulton of Larchmont, N.Y. and learn how to make some custom cookies!

Maybe you're saying "But Phil, I'm not an artist! I'm barely even a Modern Dance prodigy! I can't draw a cookie!" Well to that I say "You sure can! Shut the hell up!" Let's learn to cookie-draw with the Rockwood Moulton Method! Just draw what you see, and in no time you'll be wowing your friends and family with some fantabulous holiday cookies that are so lifelike, you'll swear you're eating your real pet! Please use these examples to get you started.

The Rockwood Moulton method works with any pet or real-life object. This, for example, is how you'd draw a cookie for a friend that has a pet horse!

And this is a kitty cookie! See how easy?

Birds can be tricky, with all those feathers, but Rockwood will show us how! See?

Now that you've got the fever, let's try something challenging for all your octopus-fancier friends! Done!

Yep! We're definitely on a roll!

And just to be sure you're ready, here are some suggestions for your custom holiday cookies. You're welcome!

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COTY Sell-Arium - Requisit-t-t-t-t-tes!

So you're a pharmacist (or if you're English, a "chemist") in 1940, and you want to make use of your counter space. Who you gonna call? COTY, for their Sell-Arium, muddafugga! Time to sell some beauty requisit-t-t-t-t-tes! Oh, man, you got to get on that shit, stat!

Since you're probably pretty normal, you don't call the stuff in your medicine cabinet "requisites" (pronounced "rek-wuh-ZEET"). Despite being generally more pressed for time than every major civilization that came before us, we call that stuff "all the stuff in the medicine cabinet". Why? because we don't want to get made fun of for sounding all fancy, that's why.

But when you're COTY (pronounced "koh-TEE", and yes, I looked it up), nothing's too fancy for you. In fact, in the makeup-and-selling-grand-foofery-to-ladies biz, fancy is money in the bank. The harder to pronounce your name is, and the weirder your normal-word-replacements are, the happier you are. If you're a lady, you probably know this.

"A fishy requisit-t-t-t-t-te!"

Know who else knows this? Michael Palin as the Not At All Naughty Chemist. For a reason nobody knows, he always said "requisite" with too many T's throughout this whole sketch. I don't need to understand why to understand it's funny. Skip to 2:23 in the video below, or watch the whole thing from the Five-Frog-Curse cartoon, or just click this link that starts at the right tome code.

Guess what was really popular to rub on your face in 1940? Legionnaire's disease! See? Know you know. You're welcome!

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