Captions - The Street Hit.

Joke #1 - "Hi, Bruce! Hey, how was your meal at Wumuwuw's Cafe? I saw it had a few starts on Yelp and I was thinking of taking the wife there this Friday, and I just saw you coming out and I thought 'Well, there's a bit of luck!' and I thought I'd get your opin... aw, hell."

Joke #2 - "Bruce! I hope you didn't have the salmon! Some of the fellas said it's a bit past it's sell by date and.... Oh, good!"

Joke #3 - "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possib- OW! Fucker!"

Joke #4 - A scene representative of a only couple of Uber transactions... per hour.

Joke #5 - And with that, Bruce finally understood that people no longer appreciated his Al Jolson impression.

Joke #6 - "Bruce! Nooooo!" Johnny shouted through his tears. The night howled its terrible ordinary silence as the life of another honest detective was snuffed out, and Johnny swore to Bruce's memory that he would memorialize the scene in a diorama in his HO-scale train layout.

Joke #7 comes to us courtesy of Jon B! Thanks, JB! -  Bruce: "Johnny don't jump, you can w..." (gets shot and dies)Mobster: "Come on Johnny jump, let's see ya do it"

No sooner had we rolled our captions posts out of unintended semiretirement than long-time jokemaker Mr. FancyWarmPants_2 resurfaces to offer us joke #8. Thanks, MFWP_2! Joke #8 - "This looks like a job for 'Glowing Yellow Fedora Man'!!", thought Clark, as he observed the chaos on the street below..."Too bad I just shit my pants!" he exclaimed, having never actually witnessed a murder before. He then duck-walked back inside, hanging up his fedora & dreams of becoming a crimefighter altogether.
Mr. FancyWarmPants_2

Joke #9 - "Heeeeeyyy, macaren-UGH!" *thud*

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Dog and mower.

Joke #1 - "Thanks, buddy! Remind me to return your hedge trimmer, too."

Joke #2 - "Next time, put it back when you're done! Bad boy!"

Joke #3 - "Well, don't shit up my lawn and I won't mow your bathroom, asshole!"

Joke #4 - "Really, Rex? Dandelions in your media room? Is that how I raised you?"

Joke #5 - "Well, you've still got that centipede problem. They're just shorter now."

Joke #6 comes to us from John Griz. Thanks, John! - This is what happens when Black and Decker remakes the ending of Old Yeller.

Never one to pass up an opportunity to waggle his eyebrows, Mr. Fancy InnuendoPants_2 has sent us a very randy Joke #7 Thanks, MFIP! - Even Rex the Dumb Mutt knew Jim the 'Fix-It-Guy' was an idiot. That's not what Mrs. Green meant when she said to come inside & "mow her lawn".

Newcomer grant Blackler got out of the gate strong with joke #7. Thanks, Grant! - Tri-Mower - why have four wheels when three will almost do!

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

The doll dinner.

Joke #1 - "You're right, Patchwork Cathy, your flesh-sister is being a real grump tonight. Let's put her to bed without dessert and then stay up late, talking about her."

Joke #2 - Patchwork Cathy was definitely hiding something, and Floppy Betsy looked very uncomfortable. Suzie was sure that someone at the table was the murderer. Now she just had to prove it.

Joke #3 - "Yes, Suzie, breakfast is special today. Patchwork Cathy helped me make Perfectly Safe Porridge. It's yummy! Why don't you try a biiiig bite without smelling it first?"

Joke #4 - Suzie had been fighting all day with Patchwork Cathy and Floppy Betsy, and Mommy seemed very upset with her. There was going to be trouble when her father, Raggedy Andy, came home.

Joke #5 - Tension hung in the air. Nobody spoke for long minutes. "I said 'how was school today?'." repeated mother. Suzie had promised she wouldn't tell, but it just came out. "Patchwork Cathy has gonorrhea!"

Joke #6 - "Well, Suzie, I know you did something bad. Why don't you tell me what you did and since Patchwork Cathy has already told me, I'll know if you're a filthy little liar or not."

Joke #7 - "Confusticate and bebother these dwarves!" Suzie said aloud. She would make them a supper, but if they expected her to go on some uncomfortable adventure with them, they were off their nut.


Joke #8 comes to us from Mr. FancyBlowUpPants_2. Thanks, MFBUP2! Joke #8 - "Why can Patchwork Cathy smoke at the table, and I can't??" Suzy angrily questioned her mother during the ice cream social. Mother was silent. "You know daddy only lets you smoke in bed!" chimed Patchwork Cathy. "Shut your whore mouth, I wasn't talking to you!", screamed Suzy - she hated that sex dolls were even allowed at the same table...

Galleon Kids.

Joke #1 - The sea spray over the gunwales, the warm glow of a merchant vessel burning to the waterline, the hiss of a well-slit throat. Jimmy and Charlotte had to admit, they didn't regret dropping out of law school.

Joke #2 - "There she is, kids. Right beautiful, in't she? Get yourselves belowdecks and prepare the guns. Tonight, the wind will be filled with the screams of skee-ball buskers and, if we're lucky, Chuck E. Cheese 'imself."

Joke #3 - These pirates weren't so bad after all. Although he sometimes missed his family, Carl was glad he had been whisked away on a bloodthirsty whirlwind adventure by Captain Jimmy and Captain Charlotte.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

The alligator belt.

Joke #1 - Mavis Checked the seat belt one last time before setting off. The children would be surprised when "boring old grandma" picked them up from school today.

Joke #2 - Mavis woke to find that It had worked! The hip replacement fairy had come after all!

Joke #3 - New for '56, many cars now feature a dashboard warning light that reminds the driver to check the back seat for forgotten children.

Joke #4 - Reminder: it is illegal for any passenger under the age of four to ride in a motor vehicle without a federally approved booster seat.

Joke #5 comes to us from long-time jokemaker Jim D. Thanks, Jim! ". . . and . . . there. That should do it. Untying Junior, here, will also release the big guy under the blanket. Yeah, the blanket doesn't quite hide Tiny, but those damn animal-rights tree-huggers will be too focused on their own satisfaction at rescuing another alligator from hot-car suffocation to notice until it's too late! Now to get back to the hidden camera and wait."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

Drumming up business.

Joke #1 - Helmholdt insisted on helping hand out the flyers. He just wouldn't take "no" for an answer. This year's charity rummage sale was going to be the worst ever.

Joke #2 - "Bendy propellers repaired while you wait! All technicians licensed and bonded propeller repairmen! Just call us for a free estimate! How about you, sir? Got a bendy propeller that needs straightening? Oh come on! Someone must need some propellers straightened! Why won't you people even look at me?"

Joke #3 was delivered via bomber, to Dresden, from Cyclotronboy. Thanks, CTB! A salesman for the Standard Swallow (SS) car company hands out flyers. The salesmen were already having trouble after the war broke out on the continent, but their woefully uninformed advertising department only seemed to make things worse with their unfortunate design choices for the new uniforms.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

The Baby Show

Joke #1 - "As you can see, they're pretty useless to start with, but in just a decade or two, he'll be able to do a few chores or light housework, if you can convince him to cooperate. At sixteen, he'll probably wreck your car and somehow find a way to resent you for it. And after that, there's the cost of sending him to college. So anyway, whaddya say? Do you want one?"

Joke #2 - "Back already? You only get one baby a week, you know."

Joke #3 - Though it broke their hearts to see him this way, Don and Judy would come to visit every week until their baby was released from prison.

Joke #4 - "Gosh, I'm sorry, folks. He's usually much funnier than this. He has been drinking a lot, though."

Joke #5 - Madam, is this the baby that robbed you?

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]

The arm hose box test.

Joke #1 - Test one, session forty-three. Sexual attraction detector still seems to be non-functional. Will try re-attaching sensor with wires reversed to see if result changes.

Joke #2 - It always made Sandra feel good to stop by the Red Cross to donate a box of blood.

Joke #3 - Winston's card tricks were getting tediously complicated.

Joke #4 - "Nope. It's the two of clubs. Looks like we draw another pint. Jeez, you're getting bad at this."

Joke #5 - Magic, The Gathering did not start out as such a simple game.

Joke #6 - "I see your pint and raise you a teaspoon."

Joke #7 - "Wups! I sneezed in the box. I'll have to throw this one out, too. I hope you've got another pint in you. I really need a better way of storing blood, huh?"

Joke #8 - "That's strange. These readings indicate you're annoyed and want to go home."

Joke #9 - "Egad! Sandra! It says you're a jazz lover! Say it's not so!"

Joke #10 - Of course, Mrs. Schrodinger's blood wouldn't actually be of one type or another until the box was opened...

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Head Check

Joke #1 - The worst part was not getting an earbud stuck in his head. It was the fear that, when the doctor extracted it, it might still be playing the Howard the Duck soundtrack album.

Joke #2 - "Wow. Crazy night, huh, private? Well, it looks like this isn't a temporary tattoo. It's the permanent kind. But look on the bright side. Maybe The Captain and Tenille will be big again soon?"

Joke #3 - "Okay, I'll need to probe around a little in your brain. Tell you what. Start going 'duuuuh' repeatedly, and if you suddenly stop, I'll know I need to back off, okay?"

Joke #4 - "Yep. Your ears look good. Hey, do you mind if I look a little deeper in there for a second? I'm looking for Sarah Connor."

Joke #5 - August, 1955. The first federally-funded pierced ear creates an uproar in the armed forces.

Joke #6 - "Jeez, Private. You can't just let every magic leprechaun you come across do whatever he wants. You know, I think your head might be pregnant. Also, there's no such thing as leprechauns, idiot."

The Wire?

Joke #1 - "Yeah, you're gonna wear a wire. And, it's a big wire. Trust me, it's the only way the perps will respect you."

Joke #2 - "I know, the unit looks a little bulky, but if one of the suspects starts to get wise to you, just make that Darth Vader noise."

Joke #3 - "Just talk into the mic', and you'll be talking directly to your heart... just like you talk to mine *sniff*. Be safe out there, Tad."

Joke #4 - "Now remember, this thing is just for work. None of that Hey-good-lookin-we'll-be-back-to-pick-you-up-later shit.You got that?"

Joke #5 - "If anyone asks, just say it's a bra for your single, rectangular boob in the center of your chest. They shouldn't ask any more questions."

Joke #6 - "Nah, you'll be fine. If one of the gang asks if that's a recording device, just say 'if it was, we would have hidden it better'. That nearly worked for Agent Randall. By the way, the wake is tomorrow at two."

Joke #7 - "Don't worry. The whole unit will be hidden by your new enormous, novelty Police tie. Those should be in some time later this week."

Joke #8 - "Too bad. We all gotta wear body cameras now. Incidentally, the 'off' button is the entire outer case. Touch it anywhere and it'll power down. Good to know, right?"

Anonymous sent us joke #9, and will now be processed as part of our Joke Protection Program... although his/her real name is Anonymous. Ssshh! On Ted's first day on the job as a Flight Data Recorder, no one told him he was supposed to wear a red shirt.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Driver's Ed Score

The Brain Machine

Joke #1 - Sister Mary Rupert lowered the Cranial Sin Collector Dish into place. "When the sedative takes effect, we'll know if you really have Jesus in your heart, as you claim, or if your dreams are just full of bouncing breasts, pert buttocks and soft, warm vaginas."

Joke #2 - "This large dish goes on your head, of course, and the two sockets... well, you don't want to know where they go. And enough of your whining already! You should have thought of this before you had a cavity."

Joke #3 - "If you start to feel a slight paralyzing sensation, just call out to us with your thoughts, and we'll come running in.... unless the machine isn't amplifying your thoughts correctly... the first symptom of which is near total paralysis of the subject. Okay! Ready to begin?"

Joke #4 - "Yes! The correct answer was 'Deuteronomy', and while you did say 'Deuteronomy', you were actually thinking 'Leviticus'. So, that means we now move on to the special Punishment Round! And since it's Good Friday, this is an audience participation event!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Safe deposit box.

Joke #1 - Great, The weirdo who kept old copies of the Sun Times in his safe deposit box was here. If he asked for help with the Jumble one more time, it was time for little Donny to "accidentally" wing his first customer.

Joke #2 - Hmm. That guy was looking at a racing form. Gambling was a sin. Gary felt ready to distribute some divine justice.

Joke #3 - "That's some good guarding posture, son. Soon, you'll be guarding a vault for real, and caressing a real gun, and shooting real people, and making real plea bargains for real slap-on-the-wrist sentences for real administrative leave with pay.

Joke #4 - "Okay, Donny, we'll see what the customer wants together. But, let me do the talking. One more of your expensive misunderstandings and the department will ask me to justify giving a firearm to a nine-year-old.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]

The Frisk

 Joke #1 - Bertrand sighed wistfully. Chaz used to frisk him like that. He wondered what had changed. Had he gained weight?

Joke #2 - Some regarded it as an invasion of privacy, but it was the only way to ensure a hilarious night's entertainment for everyone. Before guests could enjoy the cabaret show, they all had to pass a level one zerbert test.

Joke #3 - "Chaz, he still doesn't have any weapons in his ass. Please move on."

Joke #4 - "Ooooo, no weapons, but someone's definitely smuggling something!"

Joke #5 - Chuck was afraid of this. He hated being searched, and now, of all times? He concentrated and chanted to himself "Please don't spread the cheeks. Dear God, please don't spread the cheeks."

Joke #6 - "Chaz, please let him pass. Perfectly aerobicized buttocks are not contraband!"

Joke #7 comes to us from Mr.FancySloppyPants_#2, who absolutely went there. "That'll teach him!" thought Bertrand as Officer Chaz reached back to frisk him. "I told him I had to go!"... Just then, last night's 5-Alarm Chili & Tequila Drink Fest followed by that Midnight White Castle Slider Run had let loose in all it's explosive thunderous wetness, as Officer Chaz's fingers hit their "mark"...

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]

The Driving Simulator.

Charlotte Corday and Marat

Click for kind of big.

Joke #1 - "Ooh, that's a lovely end to your book, honey! 'And they lived happily ever glaaaakkk!' It's upbeat, but still mysterious."

Joke #2 - "You know darling, this is what I love about our relationship. We can just sit together for hours without talking, and just be."

Joke #3 - "Darling, it's half past three. The Girondins will be here in a moment. I do hope you're nearly finished with that silly little 'suicide joke' you've been going on about."

Joke #4 - "Oh! There's that noise again. Is there perhaps someone at the door, or was it the undercooked clams I made for your dinner?"

Joke #5 - "Darling, it's half past three. My parents, sisters, and their nine children will be here in a moment. I do hope you've nearly finished with that sonnet you promised me you'd write about them. ...Darling?"

Joke #6 - "Darling, after your bath, please promise me you'll tidy up those books up on the shelf. One of these days they're going to fall while you're in the tub, and, well, I simply shudder to think."

Joke #7 - "Jean-Paul, my sisters will be here in a moment. I'm going down to put the kettle on. Do please get out of the bath, get un-killed, and please put on the blue waistcoat I laid out for you."

Mr. FancyBubblesNoPants_2, who could not stop if he wanted to, sent us Joke #8, which is a silent but deadly. - "Oh-em-gee! Will you quit doing that Cyril!?! You know I can't open this window!!....Or at least wait until I leave the room, dammit!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Bike Battery

Joke #1 - "Jeez, I think it's your turn to pedal for a while."

Joke #2 - "You're right. The new riding position is really... Hey! You're not my coach! He's an AC Delco!"

Joke #3 - Using virtual reality, athletes can pretend they're charging a battery on an exercycle in their own home, from the safety of their own home.

Joke #4 - "Coach, I ran into the wall. Now what do I do? Coach?"

Joke #5 - Saaaayyy, you don't qualify as 'mechanical doping', do you?"

Joke #6 comes to us from Mr. FancyInfoPants_2. Thanks, MFIP2! - Photo of a young Vorbia Goatstain demonstrating how the "Super-Battery-Charged Assulator-A-Go-Go" forced her head into a low hanging light fixture, causing irreparable brain and ass damage(c.1967). Goatstain then won the lawsuit she filed against the company, & started the now popular "UP YOUR DECOR" home furnishing page seen here on P.A.G.!!! Way to go Vorbia!


[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]

The College of Swedish Massage

Joke #1 - Charles was really going to have to get into a different line of work. He was tired of his friends using quotation fingers every time they talked about what he did for a living.

Joke #2 - "Thank you so much, Doctor... errr... what was it again? Oh yes! Doctor Charles Goingdownonme, expert in Swedish Massage."

Joke #3 - "We'll see you again next Tuesday, Mrs. Weston. In the meantime, try to favor your other mons pubis for a while."

Joke #4 - This was terrific! Charles should have changed his title years ago. Business was much better than when he was "Dr. Charles Festerbrook, Expert in East German Massage".

Joke #5 - "Very well, then, Mrs. Weston, I'll be sure to get in touch with you if I experience that swelling again."

Joke #6 - "Thank you so much, Doctor! My Swedish feels so much better now!"

Joke #7 - This was terrific! Charles should have changed his title years ago. Business was much better than when he was "Dr. Charles Festerbrook, Clumsy Oaf in Swedish Massage".

Joke #8 comes to us from long-time smirker Mr. FancyInnuendoPants_2. Thanks, MFIP! - "Please do try my other bi-lingual services, Miss Mona. I also have expertise in 'French Kissing', the 'Dutch Oven' and I handle my 'German Sausage' quite well indeed..." Dr. Charles stated with much confidence....."I'm sure you do, Dr. Charles..", quipped Miss Mona, "...and please remove your hand from my ass"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]

The accident camera.

Joke #1 - "All right, hold eet right therre! We have ways of makeeng you stink!"

Joke #2 - "Eet's okay, you can let eem go. He's not cheese."

Joke #3 - "All right, don't make any sudden moves or we shall be forced to surrender to you!"

Joke #4 - "Please tell our viewers at home where he shot you, and who you're wearing."

Mr. FancyFrenchBreadPants_2 sent us Joke #5 in a cloud of Galoises smoke. Thanks, MFFBP!  - "Would you like zis '59 Reserve in zis fancy-schmantzy Nautical bottle, Sgt. Pierre? or za '62 Bordeaux zat we have in ze trunk?". "I beleef eizer one would go great wiz a head trauma!" asked Lt. Latrine. "What iz taking za Ambulance so long??", "Perhaps I should mime a phone call?"

In a commenter joke first, A. Non-Mouse has made a reference to yesterday's post! That's a repeat customer, right there! Hot damn! Joke #6 - "We borrowed thees camera from Dr. Vanderspiew to check you for internal eenjuries. Now hold still!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Mobot

Joke #1 - "ARE-YOU-WORKING-LATE-AGAIN?... COME-BACK-TO-BED-DARLING."

Joke #2 - The Jet Propulsion Laboratory, in late testing stages of its Remote Unmanned Jet Propulsion Laboratory Exploration Rover.

Joke #3 - At just 1,750 pounds and 1.2 million dollars, the Mur-Dor Semi-Autonomous Liquidation Unit finally brought simple, low-cost, and stealthy scientist strangulation to the masses.

Joke #4 -
10     interpolate current X, Y coordinates to [STAN COORDINATES] at .005% velocity
20    extend manipulation pincers
30    if [STAN] = [ALERT] then goto 80
40    if [STAN] = [BUSY] then goto 50
50    execute [STRANGLE STAN] subroutine
60    interpolate current X,Y coordinates to [MEXICO] at 100% velocity
70    let unit i.d. = [PEDRO] until heat dies down
80    pretend to be fixing hair

Joke #5 comes to us from Jeremy. Always grateful for a Jeremy Jape! Thanks, Jeremy!- WHY... GIVE... A ROBOT... EXPRESSIVE... HAND GESTURES... IF... YOU'RE... NOT GOING TO... FUCKING... TURN AROUND... WHEN... I... AM... TALKING... IS ALL...

We got a verbose Joke #6 from Mr. FancyGlenOrGlendaPants_2! Thanks, MFGOGP! Joke #6 - Military Hair Technician Sgt. Rick Hunts Sr. pictured testing the "Barb-O-Tron / Flowbee" (Ver. 1.0), Army issue compact self-grooming hair appliance, circa 1948. This unit specialized in the seldom popular "monk cut", and was discontinued in 1949 after removing and cauterizing 3 left ear lobes from subsequent testing engineers. On a lighter note, it was lent out to Ed Wood's studio for the forgettable B movie: "Barber Vixens from Outer Space", (in which only two women were de-lobed and cauterized).

Joke #7 reveals that a robot's emotions make for rich pickings. Thanks, Jeremy! - FINE... DOCTOR... GO TALK... TO... YOUR... THREE... MONITOR... HAVING... SLUT... ... MAYBE... IT WON'T... EVER... CRUSH... YOUR... COFFEE CUPS... ... ON ACCIDENT... 

John came equipped with a joke in each clamp. Thanks, John!...
Joke #8 - “Behead-o-tron, fix me a drink please. Behead-o-tron? Are you listening to me?”
Joke #9 - “Reacharound 5000… time to shine, my friend.”

Differently Spelled Jon will not be denied a joke. Joke it like you stole it, man. Joke #10 - What they're actually testing is the protective design of the JPL wedgie denial seat.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]