Your Dad's Car Has a Bondo Leak - Verne Gertmond

 

Can't Find the Remote

Great! It's Puberty! - Heredity

Killguns & Sexboobs

SPACEJESUS

Ooooooohhhhh!!!

Your Sister Might Read This

The Cat Got Into Our Stash

Spot the Joke - "Men's interest" magazines.

Today, we present a challenge to the Phil Are GO! Joke-Getting Assault Squad (JGAS), our hand-picked group of the most charitable and sympathetic staffers. Their task? To figure out why these are comics. It sounds easy, but man, nothing could be harder or less funny. Do you think you understand why these comics are comical? See if you can Spot The Joke! The JGAS's analysis is posted after each "comic".

Today's joke challenges come to us from the May, 1962 issue of Inside Story magazine, and the April, 1961 issue of Man's World magazine, respectively. It's time to spot the joke!

Challenge #1 - The Castaways:

Theory #1 - Castaway A's need for a continuing stream of available new shoes stems from his companion's mysterious habit of regurgitating nails all over the tiny island, which are painful. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The land mass they're trapped on was once much larger, and supported by a huge pile of men's shoes. Over the years, the two men have eaten all the shoes, which is a harsh reminder for us all to be better custodians of our precious resources. This is funny.

Theory #3 - Many special-purpose shoes (competitive cycling shoes, electrical linemen's boots) have a resilient stiffening component in the sole, called a "last". To say "that's the last of the shoes" implies that the men have eaten the lasts in the shoes, which are made of nylon, and as a result, are actually inedible. This is funny.

Challenge #2 - The Applicant:

Theory #1 - The would-be employee claims to run slowly. Therefore, she must be a far better pitcher
than hitter. As a result, the man is eager to have her as the new pitcher on the company softball team. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The applicant's slowness means that she won't be taking long stretches of time off of work to train for the Olympics, which is good news to her prospective boss. This is funny.

Theory #3 - The applicant's alleged slowness means that absenteeism due to workplace injuries will be kept to a minimum. This is funny.

Theory #4 - The man has clearly suffered a long career of sexual harassment at the hands of his secretaries. Therefore, he is reassured by her claimed slow-footedness that he could escape her unwanted advances if he needed to. This is funny.

Fetish Guesser

Beard Collector

Hilarious Tales of Flawed Judgment

TWA StarStream - The lost humanity.

Hey, travelers! Can you remember a time when flying was an exciting, sophisticated adventure unto itself? Probably not! Let us help you understand that air travel wasn't always a dehumanizing humiliation.

In our quest to make plane tickets as cheap and accessible as a bus ticket, we are now treated like prisoners by airlines whose only concern is the bottom line, because their profit margins are razor thin.... Whu? One second....

I'm sorry, I've just been told that airlines' profits have been hitting record levels for a few years now.

http://www.iata.org/pressroom/pr/Pages/2016-12-08-01.aspx

http://money.cnn.com/2016/05/03/news/companies/airline-profits-2015/

http://atwonline.com/airline-financials/a4a-major-us-airlines-post-142-pre-tax-profit-margin-2016

http://newsroom.united.com/2017-01-17-United-Airlines-Reports-Full-Year-and-Fourth-Quarter-2016-Performance

So, it seems that the airlines aren't being forced to treat humans like cattle. They're choosing to because it's easier to get rich that way. Apparently, there's no profit in happy repeat customers who like to fly on your airplanes because they get to retain a shred of their dignity.

Oh well. Try to enjoy this 1962 TWA ad, from a time when some crazy bastard thought that you should treat people like customers like welcome guests, and not annoyances to be barely tolerated. Then, maybe plan your summer holiday somewhere accessible by rail.

Bike Battery

Joke #1 - "Jeez, I think it's your turn to pedal for a while."

Joke #2 - "You're right. The new riding position is really... Hey! You're not my coach! He's an AC Delco!"

Joke #3 - Using virtual reality, athletes can pretend they're charging a battery on an exercycle in their own home, from the safety of their own home.

Joke #4 - "Coach, I ran into the wall. Now what do I do? Coach?"

Joke #5 - Saaaayyy, you don't qualify as 'mechanical doping', do you?"

Joke #6 comes to us from Mr. FancyInfoPants_2. Thanks, MFIP2! - Photo of a young Vorbia Goatstain demonstrating how the "Super-Battery-Charged Assulator-A-Go-Go" forced her head into a low hanging light fixture, causing irreparable brain and ass damage(c.1967). Goatstain then won the lawsuit she filed against the company, & started the now popular "UP YOUR DECOR" home furnishing page seen here on P.A.G.!!! Way to go Vorbia!


[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]

Aquamarine, by Revlon

Aquamarine, by Revlon. Probably the stuff your grandma wore... and probably way too much of it. I dunno. You can't help but be curious what this stuff smelled like. Was it great or was it like Deep Woods Off? No way to tell, since the internet doesn't have Tele-Smell yet. Note to self: have an intern copyright "Tele-Smell".

This lady's got a hammock made of flowers that would make frikkin Galadriel jealous. Such is life in the delusional bullshit world of ad-land. She sure looks comfy, with her hips rotated ninety degrees from her torso - exactly like you would do, in your most comfortable floral hammock. Mmmm. I like a woman who can dislocate her pelvis at will.

In fact, this lady is so luxurious and stuff, she should be able to enjoy a new life promoting anything. Whatever you want, for instance. If only someone would free her from the servitude of this Revlon ad...

Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, ASSEMBLE! PKSHOWWW!

Aaah, isn't that better? She's so much more liberated. Sure, her hand looks

a little claw-like, but so would any suddenly empty hand, once it's deprived

of its held object. This version has the original tonality, with the paper

texture in it.

 This one is all smooth and immaculate, if that's what you're into...

You can use Flower Hammock lady to maybe make the flyers for your first springtime cookout of the year, or your next divorce party. You know... anything!

Here's a serving suggestion to get your creativity started. You're welcome!!!

Yonder Varmint Whiskey

The accident camera.

Joke #1 - "All right, hold eet right therre! We have ways of makeeng you stink!"

Joke #2 - "Eet's okay, you can let eem go. He's not cheese."

Joke #3 - "All right, don't make any sudden moves or we shall be forced to surrender to you!"

Joke #4 - "Please tell our viewers at home where he shot you, and who you're wearing."

Mr. FancyFrenchBreadPants_2 sent us Joke #5 in a cloud of Galoises smoke. Thanks, MFFBP!  - "Would you like zis '59 Reserve in zis fancy-schmantzy Nautical bottle, Sgt. Pierre? or za '62 Bordeaux zat we have in ze trunk?". "I beleef eizer one would go great wiz a head trauma!" asked Lt. Latrine. "What iz taking za Ambulance so long??", "Perhaps I should mime a phone call?"

In a commenter joke first, A. Non-Mouse has made a reference to yesterday's post! That's a repeat customer, right there! Hot damn! Joke #6 - "We borrowed thees camera from Dr. Vanderspiew to check you for internal eenjuries. Now hold still!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Simple Atomic Monitor - Finally!

Yep. Those were the good old days.

Bertriff Glavin Revues

Click for 1600 px PNG.

Get on the Brandwagon!

Way in the back of the May, 1962 issue of Popular Science was an, uuh, ad?, for brand names week. Brands needed a leg up, I guess?

Why advertise brands? They're always around, like it or not, but the Brand Names Foundation seemed to feel strongly that people weren't buying enough brand name stuff... in favor of what? Generic merchandise made by neighbors and sold in a garage sale?

Of course, this was barely The Sixties, and you couldn't buy gray market Chinese import knockoffs by companies you've never heard of on Amazon - or, god help you - Alibaba. It's odd that you can probably place more trust in an unbranded homespun doorknocker made by an old man at the farmer's market than some companies that have logos, and "TMs" and everything. Brands can help you know what to avoid buying.

In physical stores, we denizens of The Future have modern knockoff brand names to help us identify flimsy shit that will break before you even get it home. Brands like Coby, who have the arrogance to rip off not only the sound of Sony's name, but also their logo.

Even the actual Sony, who used to pretty much define quality and design, threw all that away in The Nineties and Oughties when they not only began making products with uninspired design, but tried like hell to engineer everything they made to use some weird proprietary Sony-only battery or ridiculous Sony-only memory card. Sony's memory card was the "memory stick", and it was routinely twice as expensive and not measurably better or more reliable than the standardized storage media that everyone else used: the SD card. Everything you bought from Sony was an attempt to force the customer into several years of buying stupidly expensive proprietary doodads, until finally everyone kind of decided Sony had gotten enough of their money, and decided to try giving money to companies that didn't prevent the user from routing an audio signal through a receiver and into a recording device, or perhaps used a standard type of memory media. Sony's still recovering from this era of hubris.

And don't even get me started on the Sony Rootkit thing. So, yeah. Hooray for brands! Any and all of them!

One thing Coby's got that Sony will never have? Coby's more fun to make fun of. Hooray for fake Sony!

How do you like the Brandwagon in today's ad? Wouldn't you like to possibly use it for something else? If Sony made the Brandwagon, they would hate you using it for an unintended purpose. Sony would say that's a violation of copy protection or something. The  P.A.G. Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, get in here on the double! You know what to do. Wagon extract! Text out! Sony defy!

The Brandwagon is a PNG on an alpha channel background, so it's ready to hover over whatever else you've put in your son's birthday party flyer. It'll be good for his retro-hipster brand. Or, you can insert it into the document of your choice and drag it along with your mouse. You deserve a parade. You're welcome!