Whoopsie Team - Rod Danderwood

 

Bring me their Honky Wieners

Yellow Goggles

Gareth, Jeez!

Great! It's Puberty! - Bad influences.

Have Her Home by Ten.

The Heiress of Sheepfucker Valley

Truckin' Magazine, April 1975

Yes, Doug.

Vans & Trucks Magazine, 1975

Darling Xenomorph

Truckin' Magaizne, July 1975

Up Your Decor - 1975- The kids are all right?

Hey there, decorators! It's your muse Vorbia here, to help you get through those long winter months by redecroating your kids' rooms! Yes! That's right! I'm your muse! What do you mean "what do I mean?" Of course I'm your muse! Don't you dare say I'm not or I'll fucking tear your eyes out and eat them!

Ah hahahahahahahahaha! Only joking! Let's totally redecorate your children's growthspace, okay!

Your little Michael Yorkling will be so frikkin' nurtured in this truly butch bedroom loft, he won't know what nurtured him! The secret bedshelf hides under a folding panel so that he can deny the fact that he ever sleeps, because sleep is for the weak! Why sleep when you can be decorating?

Whoa! Who's got a hungry little brain? Little Yorkie has finished his homework and is about to enjoy a nice little bedtime snack: Marmite ketchup milk! And what's that stacked up there all in a stack? Questionably candid photos? Of course not! Those are his perfectly reasonable photos, now don't ever ask about them!

Little Michael's sporting the season's most happening hairstyle, parted at the ear, so it won't get messed up when he runs super fast sideways. That's smart, Mike! Who's a smart little Logan's Run fan? Everyone will be so jealous when you make your debut at Carousel in eighteen years!

Why, "dots" a very nice bedroom imaginarium your mom and dad built for you, isn't it! The ladder is for going up and the pole is for sliding down, to keep traffic in and out of bed flowing smoothly! Plus, the pole is great training for all sorts of jobs in the future! Firefighter, and...uuh... firefighter, for example! Dream big, little dot dwellers!

Let's celebrate the Nation's upcoming bicentennial with this orange and brown teenager's groove hole! Ooooooo! who's a super-serious student, learning all about various countries and how to purchase them! The balalaika says "where's the vodka", but the guitar says "...mixed with coke". So continental! Look at that typewriter! "Dear The Nineteenth Century, How are you? whatever you have is stupid, because you're not in nineteen seventy-five." Ha ha ha ha ha! Why, Oliver Twist would kill himself if he knew you had a bedroom like this! Tee hee!

So artsy! This print is from Marcel Wurzt's
fourteen-photograph cycle, "Hey baby".

What the shag is going on in here, huh? If you have to ask, shut up! This hyperhappy playnook features five-inch nap supershag carpet that you could just lose yourself in! We can perch on the daybed amongst
the beaming faces of our toys and just wait to see who wanders out of the shag!

.... And the window shade shows us the last known photographs of all
the people known to have lost themselves in the carpet! Maybe they'll
turn up some day? That's the spirit! And when they do, they'll definitely
be super-duper happy! How could they not be? Mom, brother, sister, and
the barber are probably all having a giddy jamboree down there in the
sunshine fiberjungle. Kinda makes you want to join them, huh? Well,
you better just re-emerge for my next decorating feature, you bastard!

Knitter's Remorse

Christmas Stamps 1975 - For your completely normal family.

Hey, citizens! Who likes stamps for Christmas? Correct! I didn't think so! Let's check in with our favorite decade with a collection of restraining orders to see what's hot for Christmas. You're on, The Seventies!

Stamps capture your imagination like nothing else! Yes, they capture it and lock it in a cold, tiny cell where you can't find it. Give stamps this Christmas to your completely normal family.

Such family members as...

Charlie Bucket's disembodied head, perched in an open space helmet, exposed to the hard vacuum of space!

Paul Lynde offering a pot to his elderly children, possibly to lessen the symptoms of their progeria disease.

And of course, your daughter, who, in the flower of her womanhood, is completely safe in the custody of clowns. You'd better get her something special this year. She likes music, right?

Click it to big it.

Trade School Sonnets - Lapped Spool and Floating Sleeve Assembly

O! Lapped Spool and Floating Sleeve Assembly
Do you know no rub?
Does your spool suffer no chafe at the walls of your sleeve?

O! Would that I were as smooth. As unsmirched.
By the privations and hurts bestowed by love.
I have no air bearing. I have no dynamic o-ring seals.
My heart is worn by pipe scale and other air line contaminants.
It does not float on a cushion of pressurized oil-misted air.

But you, O Lapped Spool and Floating Sleeve Assembly,
You will never know these hurts, this love.
And so, Lapped Spool and Floating Sleeve Assembly,
I pity you and your two micron surface finish on outside diameter of spool,
And inside diameter...
of sleeve,
Which make it difficult for air line contaminants
to adhere.

Thus do I shed a tear for you,
Lapped Spool and Floating Sleeve Assembly.
Woe is Lapped Spool and Floating Sleeve Assembly.

Trade School Sonnets - I Dream of an RD4152G Pressure Regulator

I Dream of an RD4152G Pressure Regulator

by Jane Austen

How dare I rise to meet another day
without him?
How can I bear to bore and tap a 1/4 20 hole
knowing he does not know?
Can I chamfer an edge to 1/32 radius
before I know if I am dear to him?

O! The cutting oil flows milky white
and gathers in the ewer.
Like milk of kindness
laced with jagged shavings.
Do not drink the kindness in the ewer!

How dare I bear the pressure in my chest?
The pressure of longing
for his longing.
How can I relieve the underside of the mounting plate
to save weight?
I cannot relieve my waiting.

O! The pressure!
O! My love.
Save me, RD4152G Pressure Regulator.
You are rated at a primary pressure of 20.7 bar.
Your price includes gage, fittings, mounting studs and gasket.

A procreant and His (or Her, or Shmer) Orb - Construction begin.

Greetings, colonist. Thank you for choosing to Make a New Life in the Offworld Colonies. Today's Instructional Narrative Requirement involves the construction and feeding of your youngling's Companion Orb. It is required by The leader. It is The Way. It shall be done.

Your procreant will require a Companion Orb for optimal biological development, as proscribed in The Flight Manuals, which were discovered, as you know, in the Wreckage of Our Glorious Arrival, in the Blessed Smoking Crater, so long ago. The Flight Manuals may not be contravened. The leader has spoken thus.

The procurement of a Companion Orb is precise and must be done exactly. So, inform your Dome Supervisor that you will be requiring an additional ration of oxygen to keep your mind sharp. Cerebral hypoxia has been the cause of many a misshapen Companion Orb, and many an unsuitable procreant youngling, resultantly.

Begin by venturing into the Forbidden Plains, where you must find a suitable Orb Seed Pod. Wait until the vegetative herds have moved on from their nocturnal encampment, and you will find many Orb Seed Pods in their leavings. Choose one of special roundness and give thanks to the Mighty Engine that brought us here, to behold such wonders.

In your hydroponics bay, cover the Orb Seed Pod in warm peat loam for not less than seven diurnals. Upon the seventh diurnal, your Orb Seed Pod should have sprouted. Praise The Leader! All thanks to The Mighty Engine!

In the fullness of time, your procreant will attach itself to the Orb, and your youngling's cycles will begin. On such a day, be sure to wear your protective radiation garment at all times. A cycling procreant and Companion Orb unity will emit not only alpha particles but also gamma rays rating very high on the Rutherford scale. Rejoice at the unity from a minimum safe distance of seventy meters, or simply hide in a trench for a few days, rejoicing from there.

Note that the orb is gaily bestriped in varying concentricities that are to remind us of the motions of the stars, which we once could read, but whose knowing is now lost to us. The bestripedness of the Companion Orb will determine the gender of your procreant. There are three bestripednesses, for the three possible genders of He, or She, or Shmee. The left-placed image depicts the bestripednesses of types A and B. Praise the Leader.






If your procreant is so chosen by The Mighty Engine to have a star-bestriped Companion Orb, then you are truly lucky. Huzzah! For, the star-bestriped Companion Orb denotes the birthing of the New Leader! Truly huzzah!

The youngling receiving a star-bestriped Companion Orb will not only become the New Leader, but Shmee will receive a triple ration of nutrient tablets, in preparation of battling the old leader to the death. Huzzah! Thank The Mighty Engine.

Elephant Pants - Tailoring: How to Begin

It's been a while since we heard from our old friend The Seventies, so let's catch up with our favorite always-hungry always-sleeping-late good-judgment-having primered-van-with-a-mismatched-door-owning friend to see what's new in The Seventies. Today, let's learn about making your own clothes in 1975!

To look smart, pants must fit properly. The advantage of making pants yourself is that you can adjust them to your body contours, or completely ignore them, for that "my legs are made of traffic cones" look that everyone is simply mad about.
The pattern sheet explains how to fit and construct these basic pants, using an ordinary church bell as a form, in case you can't find a tape measure. Sizes C and E are given on the pattern sheet, so you know where to ignore them. Sizes B, D, and F are also letters, and have not a lot to do with these pants. See the Body Measurements Chart and choose the proper pattern size to disregard by measuring your hip measurement and forgetting all about it.

Under no circumstances should you loan The Seventies money or allow it to get into your car.

Click for big.

Roach Shirts - Be the loser you've always dreamed of.

All right, class. Turn off your various lathes and band saws and begin sweeping up. I found this 1975 copy of Popular Hot Rodding in your locker and it's time to order your new T-shirt from Roach (heh heh) incorporated. You're gonna be the "toast" (heh heh) of shop class!

When choosing your new stoney t-shirt design, you need to be sure you'll be wearing your very favorite thing on your chest. What do you like best? Your shirt will tell the world for possibly months to come (until the decal fades or peels off). You'd better be certain of your affections.

In the middle of the page are some new and exciting "Permagraph" designs, featuring actual photographs. As soon as permagraph technology was available, Roach Inc. immediately created full color designs that everyone had been waiting for. Cars, beer, trains, and.. a cactus?

Do you like beer? Of course! Have you ever had one? Possibly! But you definitely want your friends to THINK you have. More likely, your dad let you taste it that one saturday when you were holding the flashlight while he reattached the dryer duct. Then you barfed and told your buddies the next day that you finished the whole can. If this is you, design # 5079 is for you.

If you aren't afraid to have your mind bent or your eye dazzled, you may need to choose a "Glitter" design. Maybe you're not sure what the hell you're into, but you want everyone to know you're into things? Then choose one of the non-specific space-themed, island lagoon, or seagull designs. people will definitely know that you want to have interests.

If you're the weird kid who doesn't know why he does things, you're going to need the "Flash" shirt. Everyone will ask what that's about, and you'll shrug. It' not The Flash's logo. It's just a shirt that says "Flash". Nobody talks to you anyway, so it hardly matters.

Maybe you want people to be scared of you, so they won't know how scared you are of them. Then get the snake or dragon design. The dragon is also good for nerds who will be the first in school to try Dungeons & Dragons when Gary Gygax invents it in a couple of years. You'll want to have your shirt ready when you throw your first D20.

Are you a girl? Positive? Okay, then you'll pretty much need the "Foxy Lady" shirt. But maybe you don't want to look like the school slut (for some reason). In that case, just get a "Boogie" or "Sunshine" design and nobody needs to know you "do more than dance".

Maybe you like cars? Your "Mopar or No Car" trucker hat and STP sticker on your Schwinn Sting-Ray are a clue, but they'll know for sure when they see you in one of these various car caricature shirts. Or, just get the "I'm with stupid" shirt and let everyone in one hemisphere of the world know that not only are they stupid, but you're are also with them.

But really, if you're the person dead center in the bullseye of Roach's demo, you'll be wanting one of their pot-themed shirts, as if anybody in school doesn't already know you smoke weed. You'll also be baked while filling out the order form, so you'll screw it up and wind up with "Foxy Lady". And, because you spent your whole allowance on it, you'll have to wear it anyway. You, my friend, are the loser of your dreams.

Click for big.