MUCH MERCH!

Holy crap! We got merch, people! Shirts, sweatshirts, mugs, probably inappropriate baby clothes! All made from stuff posted here over the last eight or so years. You can shop for such miscellaneous weirdness as...

-Henry the Eighth's Drum Solo
-Up Your Decor, with Vorbia Goatstain
-Molested pictures of old cars with too many wheels
-Uncle Sam's "Lookin' Good. Keep it Up!"
-Yonder Varmint Whiskey
-Raving geezer Whisky
-Bertiff Glavin night club revues
-Knitter's Remorse
-Songs of the North American Oak Tree
-Space Planet
-Understanding Policeman's Signals
-Various cartanks
-Rice-A-Rooney

...and of course a bunch more.

Here's the link, below. Or, just click the banner to the right.
https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/

Just be prepared for some scrolling. There's rather a lot, because we tried to make lots of color variations available. We'll be adding more shirts all the time. If there's one you think we should make, just email us and tell us.

When You Take the Wheel - Steering wheel design.

The Frisk

 Joke #1 - Bertrand sighed wistfully. Chaz used to frisk him like that. He wondered what had changed. Had he gained weight?

Joke #2 - Some regarded it as an invasion of privacy, but it was the only way to ensure a hilarious night's entertainment for everyone. Before guests could enjoy the cabaret show, they all had to pass a level one zerbert test.

Joke #3 - "Chaz, he still doesn't have any weapons in his ass. Please move on."

Joke #4 - "Ooooo, no weapons, but someone's definitely smuggling something!"

Joke #5 - Chuck was afraid of this. He hated being searched, and now, of all times? He concentrated and chanted to himself "Please don't spread the cheeks. Dear God, please don't spread the cheeks."

Joke #6 - "Chaz, please let him pass. Perfectly aerobicized buttocks are not contraband!"

Joke #7 comes to us from Mr.FancySloppyPants_#2, who absolutely went there. "That'll teach him!" thought Bertrand as Officer Chaz reached back to frisk him. "I told him I had to go!"... Just then, last night's 5-Alarm Chili & Tequila Drink Fest followed by that Midnight White Castle Slider Run had let loose in all it's explosive thunderous wetness, as Officer Chaz's fingers hit their "mark"...

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]

Gold Medal Books - Mayhem... FOR SALE!

We're a little more subtle with our descriptions of entertainment now than we were in The Fifties. We just call them "action movies" or "adventure novels". We like violence and destruction, but we don't like to say so. Not so in 1956. Observe this ad for "men's interest" novels from publisher Gold Medal Books. We promise you this ad has not been messed with. There really was a book called "Danger for Breakfast".

Incidentally, any image we post that's been altered will have the tag "Photoshop" down at the bottom.

Even more incidentally, the font at the top of the ad is Latin Wide. The body text font used in the ad is Tw Cen. Those, plus Rockwell Bold (not used in this ad) account for maybe 75% of all commercial graphics made in The Fifties and Sixties. If you're faking up some retro graphics intended to look like they're sixty years old or so, those fonts are just about all you need.

Oh yeah. When did we stop saying "Moslem" and start saying "Muslim"?

Click for 1600px.

Science Fictional Olympics - The Hobbit

When You Take the Wheel - Driving Skills.

Thad Fastburn

When You Take the Wheel - Stopping and Starting on a Downgrade

LaSalle Extension University - Get schooled on your profile picture.

Poor guy. He's from 1959 and doesn't understand that his profile picture on Outlook makes him look dopey and confused. Maybe that's why his paycheck doesn't grow.

Now, you, on the other hand. You understand that a funny Outlook profile picture can be great for laughs. How bout this confused-looking square, for example? You're no stuffed shirt who can't poke fun at yourself. You've got management written all over you. You're welcome!

Click for 1000 px.

Understanding a Policeman's Signals.

Carsuals - Aah, The Seventies, you do not disappoint.

If you're wearing high-waisted jeans right now, it's probably because A) You're a grandma who last bought jeans in 1992, or B) You're eighteen and you think they were just invented a year ago. Keep waiting for that old wheel in the sky to turn, turn, turn, and before you know it, college freshmen will be wearing striped flares, mock turtlenecks and shiny leather shoes with huge, pilgrim-sized buckles on them, thinking themselves to be very fashion-forward.

Esquire Magazine, 1970. The periodical of the upwardly-mobile douchewad. How do you sell "dress jean flares" to that breed of groovy prick? Easy-peasy. Have two guys looking arrogant next to some kind of European kit car, mostly ignoring a woman with apparent self-esteem problems draping herself over the windscreen, dreaming of getting a little attention from wanker A or B: exactly the kind of man most of your readership want to be. Then, describe the car and the woman in the same kind of statistical detail, just to make it clear that they're both just accessories.

Thanks, The Seventies. You never disappoint at disappointing us.

Checking your spark plugs.

Radio Schedule, June 18th, 1950

When You Take the Wheel - Simulator session.

The Banjo Duel of the Stuarts

Vitalis - Devo hair and coffee.

Guess what, hair fans? The Pendulum of Hair has re-re-re-swung, and now the haircut your grandpa had is now back in style.... at least among those young enough to think they invented it.

Guys like the square in this Vitalis ad? Well, their patience has paid off, and now your dad's dad is cool again.

Special paragraph for trendy twentysomethings:

Congratulations on bravely inventing the shiny parted-on-the-side hair helmet. We never would have thought of that without you around! Please keep inventing outrageous new styles so we can all learn from you! Here's another participation trophy and a juice box!

Resuming normal communication:

Back in The Eighties, there was a punk band - yes, a PUNK band, not a new wave band - called Devo who satirically wore plastic hair exactly like the guy in this Vitalis ad. It was, like everything they did, a mockery of the blandness and sameyness of their parents' generation. It's kinda funny that that's now cool. Does satire stop working when the subject of your satire returns to popularity? I don't know. I never made it without biting. One. Two Thuh-ree...

There's some nice, harvestable clip arts in this ad. Two coffee people and a guy smearing Vitalis onto his head. It'd sure be nice to have them on a transparent background, wouldn't it? Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, ASSEMBLE!

That'll do nicely. You can use your rude finger to right-click-save these persons onto your hard drive for a rainy day. What kind of rainy day? Well, maybe the kind of rainy day when someone 'round your workplace needs to be gently reminded that they live in a civilized society with certain understood rules that are part of the accepted social contract, like perhaps taking twenty seconds to make a new pot of coffee after grabbing the last cup? That's not too much to ask, is it? Some would say it is, but those people are sociopaths, and their opinions are suspect. Here's a serving suggestion, but if you get in trouble for using it, I don't know you...

When You Take the Wheel - Buying a Car.

When You Take the Wheel - Tire Training!

Smart Motoring - Parking and acceleration.