Up Your Decor - Fling that spring!

Hey there, my little decorators! Guess what time of year spring is! Well, shut up and I'll tell you! It's NOW TIME! WOOOOOoooOOooOoooOOOOOOO! How's your house look? Don't answer that! I'll tell you! It looks stupid, because you haven't redecorated its brains out for several weeks! It's time to correct that by doing some spring flinging! Shut up and start that fling!!!!!!

Do you have a room with several chairs? Do they match? Well, throw them in the trash, you idiot! Every
object in a room should look like it fell off the back of a truck driving through your house! Start with a
bamboo chair thingy, and then add a kind of roman wood chair, and then add in a chrome and glass
Logan's Run table, and a green velvet sofa, flanked by a classically-trained grandma lamp and a futuristic
light tube kind of lamp! Think you're done! Shut up! You need a flamenco-rococo swirlicue mirror to put
a bow on that sundae! Wups! Don't forget the three-inch shag rug guaranteed to jam any vacuum!
Also, some kind of floral pattern window thingies, just to keep things from getting boring! 

Do you long to bring the dog-dump-and-ragweed enchantment of your back yard into your kitchen?
You're damn right you do! That's why you need to build a kitchen gazebo!!!! This breakfast nook has a
table and flower pendant lamp and even a luxurious nine-inch TV! Say wow! Just in case your family
doesn't get the idea, paint flowers on all your cabinets and your kitchen has been transformed into a fairy
tale fantasy that you're guaranteed never to regret! Where's the dishwasher and stove? Why, in the back
yard, of course! Duh!

Do you have a room that's just a little too small to be a family room! Well, here's the solution! Make it
a family room! Nothing creates the illusion of space than cramming in the furniture from a larger room,
right? RIGHT! Start by painting the walls a nice, deep brown-red. And, going by the Theory of Color,
match that with some nice green carpet! What makes a house feel nice and cozy? That's right! Coming
home and immediately bashing the door into your nice colonial couch, lavishly upholstered in a rich
pattern that we call "Noise to Other Noise Ratio"! Now you'd swear you were living in the romantic
cowboy days, before we understood germ theory or civil rights! Yay!

Up Your Decor - Holiday redecorating!

Hey there, decorators! It's your interior design spirit animal and lifestyle coach Vorbia, here, with some crucially urgent news! Now that Halloween is a dim memory, the holiday season has just transitioned from "breathing hard" to literally "coming"!!! WooOOOoooo! Holday times! Uh HUH! And you know that means all your relatives walking around in your house, eating your food, and most importantly, JUDGING YOU! So, guess what? It's time to decorate your house for the holidays! Thank god I'm here! Let's get it going!

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Your Silent Night will be full of the jealous screams of your guests when you re-vision your house in this super chic Exmess Noir theme! Start with thick, rich black pile carpet, and then compliment it with thick, rich black pile wallpaper! MmmmMMmmm! You and Santa want to just wallow around in your walls! Some kind of dead thing on the floor will warm up your feet those cold winter nights! And lastly, a star-shaped mirror makes your bed the perfect manger where the animals kept their watch or something!

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Who doesn't love Early American decor? Not nobody! That's who doesn't! This gorgeous holiday dinner experience starts with vinyl parkay flooring and a majestic colonial dining set that every last one of your relatives will be positively fighting to gather 'round! You know what the early Americans would have wanted? Wallpaper with a nice, gigantic Edwardian pattern!

After dinner, you and your guests will retire to the sitting room to reminisce about the fan-damn-tastic meal you just bought for them in this restful retiring chamber! The floral pattern carpet sets the scene, while the wallpaper in a tastefully restrained "Baroque Brocade Circus Stripe" truly entertains the eye! Compliment the reds and oranges with a green dinette set and your relatives will all want to stay forever and ever! Holiday magic! YOU'RE WELCOME!!!!!!

Bond Villain Discourses - The Lounge Escapes.

Ah! Mister Bond! How nice of you to come by. I do hope my semi-robotic iguanas didn't give you too much trouble at the back door. Oh, of course they didn't. What was I thinking? A few battery-powered reptiles would barely slow down MI-6's top agent, would they? Please make yourself comfortable.

Please, have a seat. I assure you that you are going to be here for some time. For the rest of your life, say? What's that puzzled expression on the front of your head? Are you somehow unfamiliar with flat-pack furniture? It's the perfect storage solution for the villain on the go whose secret lairs are routinely and inconveniently exploded by pesky British spies. Tell me, Double-Oh Seven, where do you store all your books, in your hyperdimensional non-Euclidean nullspace? I believe I have an extra IKEA catalog on one of these shelves somewhere. Here, just let me turn around for a moment and find it for you.... Damn and blast! Where has he gone? Guards! Find Bond at once!

Ah! There you are, you naughty secret agent person! No, don't move. This dental drill is fully functional and partially rusty, I promise you. Don't believe me? Oh, I do hope you make me prove it, Mr. Bond. Well, what do you expect when you barge into my dentist's-office-waiting-room-themed chamber!? You really are a disrespectful fellow, Double-Oh-Seven, and not a little obtuse. I have half a mind to force you to tidy the couch's throw pillows at drillpoint, just to teach you a lesson. Oh, never mind that. I'll just grind your teeth to powder and have done with you, ha ha. But you'll never sit still for that. I'll have to drug you first. I have the evil respirator right here... no, wait, it's right he... oh, nertz. It must be in the other torture chamber. Honestly, would it be too much to ask to have two evil respirator masks? Hey, maybe it's behind the couch.... CURSES! Come back here!!!! Guards!!!!

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Aha! Found you! Such a slippery fellow, Mister Bond. How do you like my extra-verdant evil contemplation room? You'll notice the rug is very grass-like, and the diffused lighting is both soft and flattering to all skin types. I worked for years seeking the best lighting scheme for my skin type: combination skin with an oily t-zone, and I must say this room makes me feel both more sinister and less pouchy, especially of an afternoon. Please, have a seat on my minimalist sectional sofa-lounge. You will find the comfort quite astonishing. HAH! You have fallen into my little trap! Those plants are carnivorous weeping Madagascar vines! Vines, seize him! I said SEIZE HIM! Aww, mother FUCKER! Guards! Locate Bond immediately, and swap in the correct vines at once! These vines aren't carnivorous at all! Honestly, what do I pay you for?

Aaaaaah! Found you! My compliments to MI-6's cardiovascular training regimen, Double-Oh Seven. You are very quick through the stairwells. It shall, however, avail you nothing, for you see, you have only escaped the frying pan and fallen into the groovy fire! Welcome to my funkadelic conversation space. The stripes say "Race me", but the cushions say "What's your hurry?" Ah, I see you've noticed my cast iron menagerie. Yes, they're real, Mr. Bond. Or, they once were, but they displeased me. So it goes with those who try my patience. Let that be a lesson to the other Siberian cranes and cape hares. I will brook no argument from insolent fauna! But I digress. Where were we? We are not so different, you and I. Unlike the arrogant cape hare on the end table, you understand the realities of international crime, don't you Mr. Bond? May I offer you a black apple? Or do you prefer white? I grow them underground, so they are completely uncontaminated by sunlight. Here, let me simply bend down and get one for you from the apple bowl... SON WHO IS OF A BITCH! How did he do that? GUARDS, godammit!

AHA! At last you are weary, Mr. Bond! I must confess I'm a little winded myself. But in your torpor, you have made your final error! You have chosen to, how you say, "take a load off" in my own private Impossichair. That one corner of it seems to float without any visible means of support! Impossible, you say? This is only the beginning of what the Impossichair can do! For, you see, it is keyed to my unique DNA signature alone, and no other may sit in it. That "rug" on the floor? HAH! That's Sean Connery! The Impossichair exploded him all over the place! Please help yourself to a snifter of oxygen, because any second now, you're totally going to be blown up and stuff! Hahahahahahahahaa! Any sec... oh come on. Didn't my minions charge it? Useless fools! Where's the...? Ugh, micro USB cords. Worst frikkin' connector ever devised, am I right? Goddam little trapezoidal plug piece of shit that's never the right way up.... OH COME ON! Guards!!!! FIND BOND AT ONCE!!!!!

Up Your Decor - What a treatment!

HEY DECORATORS! It's me! Your interior design goddess Vorbia! I know! It's been a while, huh? I've been.... getting treatment! "What kind of treatment?" you reasonably wonder? NEVER MIND THAT! Go to hell, you bastard! Window treatment! That's what kind of treatment!

Anyway, dearest friends, it's all autumnal outside, and you know what that means! It's time for spring decorating season! That's because, if you're Spring Decorating right, spring isn't long enough to fit it all in! GET ON THAT SHIT IMMEDIATELY!!!! DO IT NOW!!!

Hey, look! Numbers and letters! Everybody loves numbers and letters! If you're like me, and you'd better be, they're how we keep track of things and keep track of our track keeping! Why not decorate a whole room (Just one???) with this dynamic and vivacious alpha numeric theme? Even your milk-churn umbrella barrel will need a number, if you're to know exactly which milk-churn umbrella barrel you're staring pointedly at! How much fun is that! Let me count the ways, using pretty much every surface in the room!

Ooooo! A reading room! So scholarly! Wade is reading a decorating magazine in our super groovy shag-o-delic orange shag reading room, with lighting scheme courtesy of K-Mart Strategies Department! Just in case there's not enough light (Can there ever be?), there's a very mod globe light to illuminate even the black levels to 100 IRE! You're not going to believe this, but the shelving unit is made from - are you ready for this? - plywood! Can you believe it? It even has shelves that face the wall, for all your reading
material that Must Not Be Found. You know what I mean. 

Don't leave your kids out of the fun! Sure, the kids play in the yard all the time, but sometimes they'll
need to get out of the rain, right? With this super mod playhouse, they can pretend they were stranded
on a grassy veldt when their rowboat crash landed, half burying itself in the ground. Just image the
fun they'll have, pretending to draw straws to find out who they'll eat first! 

Have you ever been locked out of your house? Perhaps by a loved one pretending to be afraid of you?
HA HA HA HA HA! I love that joke! You can get that whimsical, fun feeling all the time by simply
nailing shingles to your bedroom wall! Good times! Also, during Private Time, it'll feel like you're
having sex in the yard, just like an animal! Pretty erotic, huh, tiger? Gosh! What has two thumbs and
is getting all hot and bothered? Me am! That's who! Well, I hope the neighbors don't have windows!

Up Your Decor - Turn that frown upside brown!

 Hey there, decorators!!!! Shut up and pay attention to my decorating!!! I've got some really boss ideas that you need to do them to your house immediately, okay? Of course it's okay!!! Let's get started with your basement!

Your basement is probably full of spiders and not yellow! Fix that with this brave basement rumpus room concept featuring concentric yellow floor rings centered on the sump pump that you walled over. Then, you can cleverly force your visitors to sit and stay a while by reducing headroom with that cheeky shelf! What's on the shelf? The steamer trunks of previous guests who tried to leave! Neat! Everybody stays!!!!

If your bathroom is more of an open plan concept, consider adding Arizona! Meep meep! The brown fixtures not only gloss over the months where you forget to clean them, it also  harmonizes with the bucolic  Southwestern scenery. That's you over there by the window, looking lonely, but not for long! The bears and coyotes will be lining up to have a dip in your bath!

Your little media moguls will appreciate this super-affordable bedroom! Firstly, the vinyl-covered pillow tubes were probably just lying around somewhere or something! They'll do a good job of keeping your head from drying our too much when you're sleeping! And those drapes probably look expensive imported or whatever, but they're really just painted rulers! Not only that, but they also block up to 35% of unwanted daylight when you're watching the latest news on the television! Speaking of news, that wallpaper is really grabbing headlines what with it's being-actually-just-newspapers-ness! Why stop there, when the floor can totally be covered in newspapers, in case your children are boys? That's because they simply can't be taught where to do their filthy business!

If you're like me, you dream of floating in a sea of brown that's actually just your bathroom! Don't dream it! Do it! It all starts with brown shag carpeting that you'll no way ever, ever regret! Brown towels, extra bath mat and curtains! Then, add some beautiful brown stools for anyone who wants to watch you take a bath! Contrast that with yellow tartan wallpaper... wups, make that ceilingpaper... and you're goin' down to brown town! With a bathroom like this, you'll be at the forefront of the brown movement!!!

Up Your Decor - There's always room for decorating!!!!!!!!!

Hey hey, my little decorizers! Did you miss me? Of course you did! Today we're going to look at some interiors with loads of personality where you might not expect it! Isn't that great! Yes! Of course it's great, you monster! Stop thinking it's not great!!!

First off, we have this adorably rustic room of some kind made of beams so roughly hewn that it's obvious the hewers didn't even have time to make them non-roughly hewn! So damn rustic! Then come the ladies of the hovel, in their identical gingham frocks, to soften up the place with that age-old hovel-softener, RUFFLES! Couldn't you just eat them up? These fashion-backward window treatments just shriek of the endearingly closed-minded world view of the old west! Why not add some of that to your house today! Ruffle that shit, man!

Maybe you think your kitchen is small? Well, shut up! This cozy country kitchen has made extra space for decorating... on the ceiling! An ordinary brain would think that there's not much room for wallpaper in here, but that brain is an idiot! Just looooook up!!!!! That's right! Ceilingpaper! Now don't you feel boring for not having a bright checkered wallpaper on your ceiling??! Of course you do! You're boring! Stop being so boring!

This groovy couple has found their spirit animal! Yellow! They covered their walls and floor with the spirit animal, and accented it with red and blue! My kingdom for a primary color scheme! Their frikkin' CLOTHES complete the color scheme! Now they have to wear those sweaters every day forever!

Ooooooo, and what's this? Mister and missus Primary have included Poitra
Kleebtp's seminal oil-on-canvas "I Am Too Tired To Paint Today, But Give
Me Money Anyway" in the room ensemble! Very tasteful!

Who doesn't want to evoke the atmosphere of old Morocco in their kitchen? No one wants to not do that!  That's who! With flooring like this, you'll want to cram all your furniture into the corner so your family can wander the boundless expanses of green and orange vinyl in search of the Maltese Falcon or something! Don't you want to join them? Don't even answer, because you do! The latticed dividers give the illusion of privacy while the latticed dividers, in delightful counterpoint, offer no privacy at all! Such counterpoint! What's in those enormous urns on the side board? Hash! Viva oo la la! Where's my fez?!?!

Up Your Decor - 1975- The kids are all right?

Hey there, decorators! It's your muse Vorbia here, to help you get through those long winter months by redecroating your kids' rooms! Yes! That's right! I'm your muse! What do you mean "what do I mean?" Of course I'm your muse! Don't you dare say I'm not or I'll fucking tear your eyes out and eat them!

Ah hahahahahahahahaha! Only joking! Let's totally redecorate your children's growthspace, okay!

Your little Michael Yorkling will be so frikkin' nurtured in this truly butch bedroom loft, he won't know what nurtured him! The secret bedshelf hides under a folding panel so that he can deny the fact that he ever sleeps, because sleep is for the weak! Why sleep when you can be decorating?

Whoa! Who's got a hungry little brain? Little Yorkie has finished his homework and is about to enjoy a nice little bedtime snack: Marmite ketchup milk! And what's that stacked up there all in a stack? Questionably candid photos? Of course not! Those are his perfectly reasonable photos, now don't ever ask about them!

Little Michael's sporting the season's most happening hairstyle, parted at the ear, so it won't get messed up when he runs super fast sideways. That's smart, Mike! Who's a smart little Logan's Run fan? Everyone will be so jealous when you make your debut at Carousel in eighteen years!

Why, "dots" a very nice bedroom imaginarium your mom and dad built for you, isn't it! The ladder is for going up and the pole is for sliding down, to keep traffic in and out of bed flowing smoothly! Plus, the pole is great training for all sorts of jobs in the future! Firefighter, and...uuh... firefighter, for example! Dream big, little dot dwellers!

Let's celebrate the Nation's upcoming bicentennial with this orange and brown teenager's groove hole! Ooooooo! who's a super-serious student, learning all about various countries and how to purchase them! The balalaika says "where's the vodka", but the guitar says "...mixed with coke". So continental! Look at that typewriter! "Dear The Nineteenth Century, How are you? whatever you have is stupid, because you're not in nineteen seventy-five." Ha ha ha ha ha! Why, Oliver Twist would kill himself if he knew you had a bedroom like this! Tee hee!

So artsy! This print is from Marcel Wurzt's
fourteen-photograph cycle, "Hey baby".

What the shag is going on in here, huh? If you have to ask, shut up! This hyperhappy playnook features five-inch nap supershag carpet that you could just lose yourself in! We can perch on the daybed amongst
the beaming faces of our toys and just wait to see who wanders out of the shag!

.... And the window shade shows us the last known photographs of all
the people known to have lost themselves in the carpet! Maybe they'll
turn up some day? That's the spirit! And when they do, they'll definitely
be super-duper happy! How could they not be? Mom, brother, sister, and
the barber are probably all having a giddy jamboree down there in the
sunshine fiberjungle. Kinda makes you want to join them, huh? Well,
you better just re-emerge for my next decorating feature, you bastard!

Up Your Decor - Such art!

Hey there, compulsive decorators! Do you think we've decorated together very recently, and we should leave things be for a while? Well, you're a horrible person!!!! Go to hell!!! All of you who are left, let's decorate it like it's on fayaahhh!

Oooooh! So very rustic! So rough! Even the windows look like they were hacked from a glass tree with an axe! This room is simply thrusting with coarse, brutal masculinity! It's almost violent in it's passion! I bet Gronk would just love the hell out of it! Do you think Gronk would like sleeping here? I bet he'd feel right
at home among the Orcishly hewn beams. I think he'd be so inspired with brutal urges that he'd just grab the nearest lady and express all his masculinity in every way possible and stuff! Wow, doesn't it just
make you feel... gosh, is it hot in here? Wowie wow wow. Moving on...

This mathematically impossible Escher-realm is devilishly designed by Meek VanDerWhirl, and cannot be expressed in a three-dimensional reality. The chair-and-end-table feature will make you think there's a mirror dividing the room, but there isn't!!! Hey! Let's examine the art objects hanging on the wall object!

Oh my goodness! It's Tor Johnson's seminal work "Tears of my Feces"!
The lucky person that lives in this tesseract of sophistication is a
discerning collector!

Gasp! And the other art is Erno Bleah's "Shiny Oprah Considering Going
Upstairs"! I thought this one was destroyed in the Completely Reasonable
Art Riots of 1966! I'm so glad I was wrong!

Wow! After all that artistic appreciation, I feel the need to retire to the extradimensional null-space
at the top of the stairs. Won't you create a spacetime transgression with me and share a cup of tea?

This otherwise conventional space is screaming with verve and dynamism, thanks to the clever
designer's choice of arts! Let's go in for a closer artlook, shall we?

Aah, yes I thought it might have been, and it is! This is Melba Fishwhistle's powerful work "Unshaven Fan with Partial Whiskers".

And this is Helmut  Lazenglint's "You Call That a Signature?". It really makes you want to rethink how you feel about writing someone else's name without paying attention, doesn't it?

Next, we find Stephanie Japanwich's "Mid-Spurt"! 

Just in case you think that art is all about not pinching combs, this painting is here to completely
blow your mind! "Pinched Comb" artist Gloverick Wheent does not apologize for destroying your world view! Boom!

Oh my word. I never thought I'd see it in person, but this piece is more overwhelming than I
thought it'd be. This example of genius is Beaufort Hamkirk's career-defining sculpture, "You Idiots Will Buy Anything And I Fucking Hate You". My gosh, I could stare at this piece for days. So much to learn from it. That's enough decorating for today, decorators.
I'm spent!