Stupid Bird No, CPR is Not a Band - Bryson Horfish

 

Kind got the Perspective Wrong - Lacey Cobover

 

Anything on TV?

Kristy & Jimmy McNichol

Little House on the Prairie

Planet balls.

Kooking Kornir - Insolent Fish Paste Mockery.

Pathetic creatures of Earth! If you are like me, Oteogg, Conquerer of All Space, you are intolerant of insolent subcreatures! I sure know I am like me! These uppity morsels must be put in their place! Their place is in one of your three digestive chambers, deep within your thorax! Hah! This day, we will prepare an insolent fish for mockery and devouring!

Observe this serving suggestion with your eyestalks or be destroyed!!!!

Begin by acquiring a fish of non-specific species! Do not waste my time with your mewlings of "but certain types of fish must be prepared in specific ways, O mighty Oteogg". SILENCE!!! You will also be devoured in due time for your insolence! If I spent all day determining the species of creatures, I would have very little time for the devouring of them! Now you've gone and made me angry!!!!

"Fish" are aquatic creatures commonly found in water! They think they are just sooo clever! Begin your fish search by removing all water from Earth with your ship's forward thermal cannon! Set your thermal cannon's heat setting to "most of it" and treat the planet for approximately nine minutes! Then, after making planetfall, descend from your vessel and select one of the fish that is still thrashing around in the mud, gasping its last! It has spirit! It must be destroyed!!! Return to your ship's galley with the insolent fish!

Place the insolent fish in a medium fish blender! Using the "destroy" setting, reduce the fish to a slurry, and then storm out of the room to let it think about what it has done! Do not be moved by its pleas for mercy! Quickly return to the room in a rage, shouting into the blender "YOUR EFFORTS ARE IN VAIN, SUBCREATURE!!!". Then, stab the "eliminate" button on your blender! This will reduce the fish to a Frothy Liquid! Do not forget to put on the lid! You do not want fish insolence sprayed all over your nice, clean galley! Unless that's what you are into, in which case that would be what you do, in fact, want! You do you, baby!!!

The fish is nearly ready for the final humiliation!

Select a fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form from your wall of artfully displayed Nutrient Compression Forms! Slam the fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form down on the table next to the blender and shout the following at the blender: "I DID NOT WANT IT TO COME TO THIS, BUT YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!!!" Then, laugh with child-like glee!

Pour the Frothy Insolent Fish Liquid into the fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form, in hideous mockery of its previous self! Then shout "SEE? I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT! YOU MADE ME DO IT!!!" Place the Nutrient Compression Form containing the Frothy Insolent Fish Liquid into your refrigerator overnight to chill, to become gelatinous, and to reflect on its crimes with all gelatinous shame.

The following day, your Insolent Fish Paste Mockery will be ready to serve to your unappreciative crew! They have no idea what you do for them! You work and you slave! All they do in return is cower in insolent terror! As you watch your crew timidly devour the Insolent Fish Paste Mockery, slowly reach for your crew-shaped Nutrient Compression Form!

I am Oteogg! I have spoken!!!

Communication ends!

Kooking Kornir - Stratified Fruit Putty Caldera

Are you looking for a dessert that will stand the test of time AND remedy a ho-hum dinner conundrum? Well, call off the hounds! After your dinner eruption, surprise your family with this swollen dome of fantastic fruit flavor: Stratified Fruit Putty Caldera!

 Begin with a nice solid cake dish, laying down a mantle of blackberry consomme' and fish gravy. Thicken with thickener. Let this cool and consolidate. If it begins to lithify, you can halt the process by adding some thinener (You DO want to be able to puch a fork through it!). This completes your dessert's primary Cambrian fruit putty layer.

Next, mix up a package of pistachio frosting, adding in 1/2 cup of minced pickles. You can also substitute olives. Whip the mixture in a blender to give it body, through formation of vacuoles. The durometer of this strata is important, as it forms the boundary layer between the Cambrian cranberry layer and the strawberry lithosphere above. If it is too soft, you will see intermingling of the strawberry lithosphere and Cambrian layer. Spoon this onto the Cambrian layer.

Lastly, mix one package strawberry gelatin, 1/4 cup strawberry Quick, and 1/4 cup pink Crunchberries in a blender set to "blend". Sprinkle in raisins and set blender to "mix" for five seconds, to suspend the raisin fossils in the strawberry lithosphere. What ancient secrets will your family learn from these mysterious inclusions? The secrets of sweetness! Carefully dollop this onto the pistachio boundary layer.

Now, chill overnight and serve. You'll simply love watching your family drill into chambers of flavor! Ole!