The Office.

Dear readers,

We have concocted a brief list of quips that the figures in the below-presented Illustration may be saying, or may be said about them. We think you and your family will find our japes witty and hilarious!

Jape #1 - Miss Spratt couldn't be sure, but she suspected Mr. Fishfingle had moved his chair ever so slightly closer to hers. Was this some of that "sexual harassment" she had read about? She would glance up at his chair again after lunch to check again.

Jape #2 - "Mis Spratt, do call Mr. Hogarth and ask him if he remembers leaving his brain on my desk this morning. It doesn't quite look like mine."

Jape #3 - The tension in the air could be cut with a knife. Mr. Fishfingle's heart pounded in his chest. "Miss Spratt," he stammered, "there have been... uuh... times, err, in the past, when I have, errrr.... pictured your ankles in my mind." There! He had said it! Now all he had to do was leap out of the window for shame.

Jape #4 - "'Dear Penthouse Letters. Once, of a summer's afternoon, I caught a glimpse of my neighbor's petticoats as they hung on the line, drying in the sun.' Good heavens, Miss Spratt! What filth is this that you have brought into my office? You Jezebel!"

Jape #5 - "Miss Spratt, I have decided it's too dull around here. After lunch, we will swap the pictures onto the opposite walls! Delightfully devilish, don't you think?"

Jape #6 - "Miss Spratt, take a note: 'Dear proprietors of the New Permissiveness Jazz Club which has moved into the ground floor of our very office building. Please cease at once your early practising of all musics during normal business hours. The infernal horn honking and toot-noodling has provided no end of unproductive distraction during these, our conventional hours of operation. After the hour of five-and-thirty of the evening, please feel free to commence rehearsing the Devil's music as loudly as you may choose, with the exception of the song Minnie The Moocher, which I find wholly unacceptible entertainment at any hour of the day, as would any reasonable personage of respectable upbringing. You improvident scoundrels. Yours, etc. Mr. James Fishfingle, proprietor Fishfingle, Vinderdint, & Fishfingle, attorneys at law.' There. Now please read that back to me, Miss Spratt."

Quite a treat, Dear readers! Our Jim D., who has quite a flair for narrative, has penned a quip for today's picto-post! Such a quip! Thanks, Jim! jape #7 - Fishfingle was frankly flummoxed. The HOURS he'd spent imagining Miss Spratt's reaction to the desktop hedgehog and the trophy he'd won for keeping it in his trousers longer than any other contestant in the Winnetka Hedgehog-Legging Competition! The CARE with which he'd devised and practiced his casual-sounding, yet utterly louche rejoinder to what he was SURE would be her obvious questions! But no, she kept that lovely little head steadfastly down, eyes on her work, nose to the grindstone, maddeningly all business, as usual! He could feel the leg wounds suppurating within the hot, confining legs of his wool trousers . . . Well, he decided, when she takes her lunch I'll move either the hedgehog or the trophy to her chair. Then she'll HAVE to react!

[Quips submitted by our Dear Readers shall be included in the Picto-Post.  -Mgmt.]

Click this photo-graph with your electro-

pointer for a larger version of this very

image!

How to Create your Very-own Tele-Vision Scanning Disk! Behold!

Great news, tele-vision hobby-ists! To-day, Phil Are GO! is proud to bring you detailed instructions for building your own Tele-Vision scanning disk - the heart of your very own home Tele-Vision system! You'll still need other brick-a-brack, such as a light and electric-motor, but any gent on the street will tell you that, by far, the most difficult component to acquire of any Tele-Vision set-up is the Tele-Vision  scanning disk. Here now is a complete article for a perfectly current issue of Popular Science Monthly to show you, yes you, the home Tele-Vision hobby-ist how to make your own! How splendid!

Simply click each electro-photo with your computo-mouse to view each in a clearer, easier-to-read version.

"But wait, you bastard!" you may well be shouting. What in The World is on the Tele-Vision here in 1931? This is a fair question. Let me tell you there are ever so many programmes on your new Tele-Vision apparatus, from fisticuffs to piano instruction and a wonderful programme about Tele-Vision itself: Television Today! Observe such a list as this...

• Exhibition Boxing Bouts premieres on the experimental W2XAB (1931–1932)
• Hints for Swimmers premieres on the experimental W2XAB (1931)
• Piano Lessons premieres on the experimental W2XAB (1931–1932).
• The Television Ghost premieres on the experimental W2XAB (1931–1933).
• Television Today premieres on the experimental W2XAB (1931).
• W2XAB debuts music segments with Doris Sharp, Elliot Jaffee, Grace Yeager, Harriet Lee, and Helen Haynes, among others.
• W2XCD debuts a semi-regular segment with singer Alice Remsen.

Please view this electro-film to see how your Tele-Vision apparatus will look once you complete your Scanning Disk...

Last of the Elements Discovered! Gotta catch 'em all!

Good news, citizens! In 1931, Science totally Pokemonned the very last of the elements, and the periodic table was totally full and stuff, because it now had eighty-five elements.

You just know that when you get all confident and print headlines like "Science Complete!" or "Last of the ELEMENTS Discovered", you're setting yourself up to look like a jerk in a couple years.

As of 2015, we know of 118 elements. The periodic table printed in this Popular Science Monthly shows 85, the most recent (at the time) discovery being "eka-iodine". So now, if you run and get out your t-shirt with the periodic table printed on it, you won't find eka-iodine on it. The name has changed a few times, we we learned more about the element. "Eka-iodine" just means "one space under iodine". That basically means "the thing that goes in the empty space under iodine", which isn't very descriptive. Since then, it's been called "albamine", "dakin", "helvetium", "anglo-helvetium", before the current record holder for longest-used-name-for-eka-iodine, "astatine". What's astatine good for? Since it's really radioactive, it's used in nuclear medicine. But don't eat it just because you feel a cold coming on.

The following elements just hadn't been discovered yet in 1931. In fact, they didn't even have empty spaces yet in their version of the table. They didn't even know these could exist yet. I think the discovery of these elements had everything to do with the advent of nuclear science.

• Neptunium
• Plutonium
• Americium
• Curium
• Berkelium
• Californium
• Einsteinium
• Fermium
• Mendelevium
• Nobelium
• Lawrencium

The following elements had their names changed, weirdly. This is probably because they change the names as they find out more about the elements. "Eka" is Sanskrit for "one", so any name with "eka" in it is probably just as temporary as "the thing under iodine". These elements had their names changed since then:

• niobium (columbium)
• astatine (eka-iodine)
• technetium (masurium)
• francium (ekacesium)
• protacinium (uranium x2)

So there you go. Next time you find some astatine lying around, try to put it in your thyroid, where it'll do you the most good, unless you don't have thyroid cancer. Top tip, there!

This periodic table has convenient little drawings to show you what the elements are good for. Print it out and put it on your fridge as a handy cheat sheet so you'll know what to do with any elements you may come across.

Gallium makes a nice soup

Hydrogen is good for building cylinders.

Neon is good to eat.

Nickel costs twice as much as it's worth.

Oxygen is dangerous, so use a gas mask.

Chlorine is just as dangerous as oxygen.

Potassium is filthy.

Scandium is good for making condoms.

Tantalum is always ten minutes late.

Uranium can't wait for Halloween.

Radon helps you sleep.

Belly Scope

Joke #1 - "No dad, your keys are still there. Go use the bathroom again. Jeez, can I go outside now?

Joke #2 - M&M Mars researchers proving that Snickers really satisfies.

Joke #3 - "Okay, fine, dad. You win. You're a thirty-seven and three quarters, NOT a thirty-eight.

Joke #4 - Determining the detectable effects of a situp.

Joke #5 - Confirmed by Science: Oooo! Someone's been working out!

Mr. MontyHallPants_2 just can't stop joking. Joke #6 comes from the man dressed as a pencil - Who could ever forget those memorable lines: Harold Watson! Come on down! - You're the next contestant on "Smell My Intestines"!! - Where you could win tens of dollars If you can guess what this person just had for dinner, using only your olfactory senses!!...Or by guessing what was left behind Stall Door #1, #2 or #3.!!!

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Click for big.

Little Ads from 1931 - Opportunities and tips!

"Our modern method guarantees approval." ...if you approve of incredible racism.

Simpsons clip of "saxamaphone, saxamaphoooone" not available. Ah well.

"Sept, 1931. Re-vulcanized tires, put new handle on engine crank, re-filled molasses reservoir, topped off driving-whiskey flask. Note to self: buy a piece of paper, or loose-leaf drywall."

Camera News, 1931 - Amazing advancements!

I know what you're thinking. "You could have used "Amazing developments" and been all punny with the photographic theme." But no. That kind of horribly un-clever hackery is for your local six-o-clock news team. We try to keep to a higher standard of comedy here at GO Tower. Except for fart jokes.

Anyway, please enjoy this article from a 1931 issue of Popular Science trumpeting amazing new advancements in photography. Just imagine a camera with a telephoto lens that's only three feet long, or a tiny pocket camera small enough to be concealed inside a horse's mouth! Wonders!

Of amusing note is the fact that the camera "about the size of a small pill box" that can be concealed "in the palm of his hand" still needs a lens the size of a soup can stuck onto it in order to take a picture. Oh, the ways we bend the truth to come up with a hyperbolic quote.

Also curious is their use of the word "clearness" instead of "clarity". Strange.

Click for big.

New inventions - Forging the crucible of science's tomorrow, of steel.

Mosquito net fits over any hat. Aperture accommodates crucially important smoking of things at all times. Allows dispensing of fatherly advice in horrible, infested swamps.

New mechanical diaper collects, pumps away "baby goop" under high pressure. Still no solution for various problems created by baby's head.

The Sheep Strippers

Joke #1 - Those afflicted with "romantic disorders" were sad and reprehensible. More horrible still were those men who would routinely come to watch those with romantic disorders.

Joke #2 - Inside Las Vegas' newest and weirdest wedding chapel.

Joke #3 - Dressing for cold weather was always a wrestling match, in the years before the invention of clippers.

Joke #4 - ...and when the sheep awoke the following morning, groggy, aching, alone, and very very cold, they came to the terrible realization that those men weren't interested in their personalities after all.

First-time joke contributor Matt Black contributized joke #5 for us, complete with swears! Thanks, Matt! - Old Man in White Coat: "Son, that's not proper sheep-fuckin...move over and I'll show ya how it's done."

Mr. FancyEngineDriverMe_2 a-chff-chff-chff'ed up a joke #6. I think he wishes he worked for the Bee Bee Cee. Thanks, MFEDM! - "Ha! Ha!" thought Inspector Dim of the Yard. " NO-ONE will be pulling ANYTHING over MY eyes! Not on this case!...Ha! Ha!". Then he began to ponder, If he were not in the CID....

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]

Click for big.

Science Frontiers - Deforesting the wilderness of science.

New-style typewriters has four-foot-long carriage, allows typing of very long sentences. Still no solution for typing letters beneath a previously-typed line of letters.

Curious motorbike wheel made of independently spinning balls solves age-old problem of cornering without crashing, dying. Gives new meaning to the old expression "Hey, you've made a motorbike wheel out of balls. You're going to die."

Rotating horse sling simplifies the task of painting and undercoating horses. Also efficiently terrifies other large animals.

1931 Pipeless Organ - Sleepers aWakeman.

Music news now, from our office in 1931. An organ without pipes? Readers of Popular Science Monthly (named back when people had no idea when to expect magazines to come out) ran this full page article explaining how such wizardry worked. I think this is different from the standard valve-based electric organs that became the standard in The Thirties. The organ in this article, built by Captain Richard H. Ranger (can there be a cooler name?) creates tones using the electrical hum of motors - twelve, in all.

Enough speakers to rattle the trunk lid of any church.

FaceTube was not forthcoming with likely samples of how this thing sounded. All the 1931-ish organs I found seemed to be of the vacuum-tube valve type of thing. Ah well.

But look what the P.A.G. Research and Googling team DID find! An eleven-year-old girl playing Rush's YYZ at her keyboard recital! She's Asian, of course, because all children with superpowers are Asian. This fulfills your daily requirement of vitamin cool.




Bonus points to anybody who got the references in the title of today's post. For those who didn't, here's two things:

A) Sleepers Awake, a pretty popular organ piece by Bach. For those who think that pipe organs are all obnoxious honking and squeaking, please enjoy Sleepers Awake.



B) Rick Wakeman, keyboardist for Yes, playing Journey to the Center of the Earth, some kind of weird side project of his. Any time you saw him, he was likely as not to be wearing a sparkly sequin cape. It was more of a Merlin thing than a Liberace thing.

Link to the Wakeman video. Sorry, but if I embedded it, you'd have to watch it from the start (Do not do that.). As a link, I can make it start at the right place.

And just to be completely "meta", here is Wakeman in 1977, in the studio sessions for the album Going for the One, recording some overdubs for the last couple of minutes Awaken, which is a ten-minute-plus-long guilty pleasure of mine filled with impenetrable lyrics and space cathedral imagery. So, there's your "Awakeman", from the title of today's post. How's THAT for bringing it all home?



AAaaannnd, here's what the whole song sounds like. Live in 2013. Note that guitarist Steve Howe has turned into the Crypt Keeper in the last few decades. Good shot of Tony/Crypt Keeper at 2:30.

Indian Motorcycles - Sporting blood.

No, it's not "spurting blood". It says "SPORTing blood". The Fellowship of Men with Spurting Blood (FMSB) still has trouble with new enrollment. Maybe they should change the name? Nope, this ad is just about motorcycles.

Since this is 1931, the copy gets a little fervent describing the product. The "fraternity of 'men with sporting blood'". "The thrill of throbbing power". At least hey did have the good taste to leave off the "between your thighs" part, which would have been a  perfectly reasonable description, I suppose.

Hey, is that ken doll shooting mind beams out of his head? Maybe Indian isn't talking about the throbbing power of the bike after all? This guy has throbbing brain energy, and any who stand in his way will soon be members of the Fellowship of Men with Spurting Blood.

Pal and Bike - Your vital zone.

Click for big.

It's World Cup time, sports-of-some-kind fans! And that means sports of some kind! Your vital zone! Are you protecting it? Also, WTF is your vital zone?

We have answers, people, so simmer down. You'd think that your vital zone may be your brain, or your heart or something. After all, you'd be mostly screwed without them, unless you have a career in cable news, ha ha. BOOM! Take THAT, twenty-four-hour bullshit news cycle that pushes an agenda via slanted coverage rather than simply reporting world events and allowing the viewer to decide for him or herself! You've been slammed!

Nope. Brains and hearts aren't "vital". Your junk, however, is what Pal and Bike and Bauer and Black which was a division of the Kendall Company were talking about. This ad is from 1931, so they preferred to use delicate terms like "vital zone", which would simply confuse anyone without prior knowledge. But what would be the un-delicate term?

"In no major college sport is a student allowed to compete... or even practice... without an athletic supporter to guard his twig and berries."

I guess that's why they felt they had to draw a circle around the guy's junk to drive the point home. Look at his face. He's got kind of a Walter White thing going, hasn't he?

Humm. 2500 South Dearborn.So what's there now? A family planning center? That'd be funny. Or a sausage factory? Huh huh huh.



A-HA! A printing company! Service Web Offset, Inc! Very telling! Or is it? No. It isn't. Oh well.

I'm not sure what you could do with it, but here's the baseball player from today's ad, presented to you in convenient clip art form. Please enjoy, if that's what you're into. You're welcome, I guess. See you Monday.

Click for big.

The man who knocks... but never without a jockstrap.