Stacomb - The very picture of manhood.

Listen up, hair-havers! If you want to be as handsome and respectable as a College Man, the hair goo of choice is Stacomb. Observe this 1927 ad for proof...

The secret to that shiny varnished hair helmet is Stacomb. It helps your hair "stay combed". That's why the name is so clever, in case you couldn't tell what they did there.

So, with a heapin' helpin' of Stacomb on your head, you can be the very model of admirable manhood - exactly like every college man, all of whom are men, and conduct themselves as men, which is a type of grownup, by the way, which means they always conduct themselves as model citizens and almost never ever act like felons or sociopaths. Here's a picture of a grownup college man, by the way, to help you understand how reassured you should feel if you wake in the middle of the night to find him standing at the foot of your bed, watching you sleep, in a perfectly admirable and manly way. Nighty-night!

Don's Examination.

 Joke #1 - "You know what? I stand corrected. Don does have the best boobs on the second shift. Well done, Don!"

Joke #2 - "It's all right Don. Just show me the spot where I'm going to touch- err, I mean where Kip touched you."

Joke #3 - "Hmm. Yep. That looks like a Kip bite. You'd better keep an eye on that. See, Kip usually injects his victims with his ovopositor when he bites, and his divorce has kept him in a pretty grumpy mood lately. But the good news is he may chosen you to be his new mate!"

Joke #4 - "No, that's not a basal cell carcinoma. That's your arm. Honestly, stay off of Yahoo Health, will, you, Don?"

Joke #5 - Sean Penn as Doctor Spicoli, M.D. Season 2, episode 4:  "The Totally Gnarly Thing on Don's Bewb."

Joke #6 - "You know what? I stand corrected. Don does have the nicest nipple moustache on the second shift. Well done, Don!"

Joke #7 - "*sigh*, Don, I thought you called me because of smoke inhalation. I absolutely do not need to examine your breast again."

Mr. FancyIsThataDalekInYourPants_2 must have had a slow night. He couldn't stop with the japes and jibes. #8. 9 and 10 came fast and furious from his Husky brand pencil.

Joke #8- "Well that doesn't look too bad, Don. Just let me pop into the TARDIS, grab the sonic screwdriver & we'll have you right as rain in no time"

Joke #9- Don: "Doc, It hurts when I do this..." Doc: "Well then don't do that" (RIMSHOT)

Joke #10- Just then a strange thought entered Thom's head: " He's right behind me, isn't he?... he's doing that 'I'm-not-touching-your-butt' thing too... and he's probably got that cellophane suit on, dammit!...No way am I getting a thumb up my ass this again!!"... Don just bit his upper lip and thought: "Oh yeah, Thom's getting the old 'cellophane-suit-thumb-up-the-ass' thing again...."

[ Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt. ]

American School of Aviation - Are you a He-Man?

Are you a red-blooded, daring he-man? If you are, then by the power of Grayskull, have we got an opportunity for you... back in 1927. Be an aviation!

Back in '27, airplanes were new and exciting. The age when commercial aviation became a humiliating ordeal in which you are not allowed to have baggage, but instead are eyeballs-deep in the "emotional support dogs" of your neurotic fellow passengers was still many decades away. No, friends. Back then, blood was red, and men were he, and also daring. Except..... hey, wait a second!

None of the actually advertised jobs are anything like being a pilot. Maybe being an instructor requires you to know how to fly the plane, but that could just as easily be an instructor who teaches people to be... "mechanicians"? This whole thing stinks of bait and switchiness. Look at the photos. Crowds crowding around the plane, each fighting for their chance to get naked with the red-blooded he-man at the controls. The promise of your own leather Time Bandits hat. These are all things that the frikkin pilot gets to enjoy.

David Warner as the evil pilot in Time Bandits, and as the deceitful douchebag who created this ad.

And why is the salesman's salary listed as "$5000 a year" when all the others are described in terms of "per week"? Divide 5000 by 52 and you get about $96 bucks a week... a salary that falls near the middle of the pack for the other aviation gigs.

They wanted the biggest number next to the sales job because they wanted it to jump out at you - assuming you're in a hurry, don't read the fine print, or are just dumb. This must be because the American School of Aviation wanted salesmen the most. I promise you, the adoring crowds in that photo are not shouting "Who sold you the plane? We MUST know, so we can have hot monkey sex with him and/or her!"

So, tricking people with advertising is as old as advertising. Shocking. Anyway, here's the Disembodied Floating Head from today's ad. Maybe you can use him to Tom Sawyer people into doing your boring work, thinking it's a total party, while you pop off and fly around.

Federal School of Illustrating - Splendid opportunities.

You probably have friends who are artists. They fly around in their solid gold helicopters, eating only the middles of bananas and throwing away the rest, because money is no object to them. After all, their artists! What's their secret? Where do their piles of cash in dollar sign bags come from?

Here in The Future, most working artists can define success as being able to make any monthly mortgage payment. That's a pretty low bar. It's much more likely to see someone indulging a passion for art as a hobby.

In 1927, maybe things were different. Photography is cheap and effortless now. For some reason, looking through magazines as recent as the 1950s, illustrated ads were more the norm than ones featuring photographs. Weirder still, I haven't been able to figure out why. It's probably something to do with printing technology that would be more apparent if I had more knowledge of, uuh, printing technology. Was there a reason that a drawing was easier to print than a photo? Maybe the fact that a drawing allows complete control over detail and focus of attention? This is just conjecture. It may be helpful if some of our printful readers would lend some expertise in the comments.

This ad does have one hilarious line. "Do you like to draw? If you do, it is almost certain that you have talent,". This is slightly not true at all. In several professional positions, I've had access to the stack of portfolios of hopeful applicants. Long story short, thinking you're an artist absolutely does not make you an artist.

Why? Since he introduction of computers around 1987 or so, the old question of "What media do you work in?" can be answered with names of software, rather than oils or charcoal. Art training schools can now promise parents that their child will have expertise in such and such programs upon graduation, like 3D Studio Max, Photoshop, or Lightroom. It's easy to assume this is all it takes. The professional art world is different than most professional realms in that your resume is glanced at for a few seconds, but your demo reel - your proof of what you can do - is carefully studied.

No school can promise to make your kid "get it". They can, however, promise to check all the boxes in the software wish list. This goes on the resume, but the demo reel will show what the applicant is capable of doing with the software. You can teach a business major to use Photoshop, but it doesn't make them an artist. Before the New Technological Dawn, no school would ever promise to make you a good artist. They would only assure you of "opportunities", like this ad for Federal. But now, schools can promise to teach you how to use software... sometimes to the complete neglect of fundamentals like drawing, composition, and balance. Potential can be directed and developed, but not bestowed by any amount of training. Schools can sidestep this awkward truth by focusing on computer training rather than covering the basics of art first.

So what we have now is a certain percentage of art graduates that have spent untold thousands on tuition, know how to use the standard checklist of applications, and are still clueless artists that produce consistently awful work. For the first few minutes of browsing demo reels, it's hilarious viewing, but then the grim realization sets in that so many of the applicants wasted several years and a lot of money training for a career in which they have no potential.

The best digital art houses (Disney, Pixar, Studio Ghibli) focus heavily on traditional art fundamentals. Browse Amazon for books on "The Art of (insert Pixar movie name here)". They're books on how the films were made, and they're full of gorgeous design work. You'll see pages of studies and character development done by drawing the old fashioned way.

Learn to walk before you run. Study your fundamentals, kids.

The Joystick.

Joke #1 - Sigmund Freud: "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes a joystick is just an obvious symbol for my penis. Wait, don't write that down. No, no. Stop writing."

Joke #2 - Early prototype testing of the electronic amusement apparatus "The Donkeying of Kong, and the Amusing High-Jinks and Shennanigans Arising From Said Donkeying".

Joke #2 - A not-very-remotely-controlled table.

Joke #3 comes to us from recent frequent flyer, Mat Black. - Sadly, after Dr. Von Shticklespurt's glandular detensioning training device was rejected as a selection for this year's Montgomery-Ward Christmas catalog, he lost interest in the project. He however was often seen sitting abreast of his best demonstrator, Mences Meatflapps, on many of his cross-country automobile journeys.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

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Portrait, avec grenouilles, 1927.

You're welcome.

Hall of Heads, Pt. 6 - FIGHT!!!!!

Good morning Mr. and Mrs America, and all the ships at sea. Today we are broadcasting to you live, from ringside in the Hall of Heads in 1927. Today we bring you wonderful, hideous bloodsport in The Hall of heads, part six. It's been over a year and a half since the Hall of Heads has seen any action, so it's high time we had some Disembodied Floating Heads putting up their dukes and battling for the title of Creepiest Disembodied Floating Head. Who will take the belt? Get ready for some bloody heads!

Our first hopeful hails from this tiny ad for Carlton Mills, a shirt manufacturer from New York. That's in the U.S. of A., for our out-of-towners in the audience. Fred Frankel Ills looks a little soft, but shirt selling is good honest work, and this kid's got a good honest face... maybe of palooka or possibly goombah variety. Let's see if Fred is licenced to Ill. Ding!

No neck. That's good. Nobody ever won a DFH title with a dangling neck. This fresh-faced Frankel's off to a good start. How's the face? Mmmm, he's not real creepy, there. He sort of looks like he's just arrived late to football practice. Still, I like his moxy. He came out swinging and he's ready to fight. Good effort, kid!

Next challenger is... what's this? Just a silhouette? Rosenberg the Silhouette, from a Wanted-Cartoonists! ad is a dark hose for sure. He's definitely going for the mysterious angle here, with his total lack of a face or any detail at all. This "Rosenberg" fella came out of left field, so I like the way he thinks. Let's see if he can think on his nonexistent feet! Ding!

Let's check out Rosenberg's uncertainty principle. Hmm. Rosenberg's spooky all right, but we can still tell he's wearing glasses, which isn't very creepy at all. Also, he's got a bow tie tied around his.... neck?!?! You call yourself disembodied, Rosenberg? Why, you're barely even severed! And you know what? You're not even a good cartoon, which is your whole job! You're outta here! Rosenberg goes down! PRAKOW!!!

 This enigmatic young drawing comes to us from one of the many many MANY vocational ads to be found in the back pages of Popular Science. This meek former bank clerk calls himself W.A. Roben, and his ad features a surprising use of Vagabond, a font usually associated with The Sixties. Go see for yourself, but be careful when exploring the free font sites. they'll slip your PC a mickey just as soon as look at you.

Anyway, "Waah" Roben's another drawing. And you know what? he makes a better cartoon than that loser Rosenberg from the cartooning ad. What else has Waah got going for him? let's find out! Ding!

Well, Roben, not only have you got a complete neck, but you've still got part of your shoulders hanging on there. When you were in your high-falootin' National Electrical School, did they perchance teach you the meaning of DISEMBODIED??? You LOSE! Cry me a river, Waah! You're outta here! Roban just grounded himself! FALUMP! It's still Fred Frankel for the title!

Wowzers! Get a load of the serial killer vibe coming off of Lewis Beck, our next contender from this ad for Dobe Easy Drafting! This guy leaves a puddle of creepy wherever he stands! Let's see what Bleck has got in his drafting kit of mayhem, shall we? This should be good. Ding!

Bleck comes out swinging with his total lack of neck. That's just basic form, but Bleck has clearly done his homework. I like his chances. Next, he's wearing glasses for that nerdy look, but the empty, dead eyes mean those glasses are just lenses that focus Bleck's dead stare into a beam of solid creepy that - oh my gosh - knocks soft-hearted Frankel on his soft-hearted backside. Frankel goes down under the arcane power of Lewis Beck. Well done, Bleck!

Is someone hungry for adventure... Popularity... Big pay? This red-blooded he-man seems to think he is. And he knows the word "plaudits". This confident adventure-craver says his blood is red, but let's see if he can prove it be leaking a bunch of it out as he takes on Lewis Beck! Ding, baby!

BAH HAHAHAHAHhahahahah! Did your doctor make you wear that headgear, or are you one of the growing number of "real life superheroes"?  Maybe you're hoping for the same level of scare that Satan had in Time Bandits, but his skull cap was decorated with skeletal hands, and yours just kind of looks like your mom doesn't want you to hurt yourself. And, are you... smiling? I'm not a-scared of you, geek. And is that leather hat supposed to save your life if you crash your plane? Go home and think about what it means to be a Disembodied Floating Head. You're not my hero! Bleck sends Pilot Pete down in flames! KRADOOOOSH!





Lewis "Mr. Bleck" Soy un ganador, baby, so just try to kill him. The only thing that scarred him in all of today's fighting was my sloppy use of the magic wand tool when I made his selection. But chicks dig scars, Bleck. Enjoy your belt.

Ladies and gentlemen, please clean up around your seats as you go out. Mrs. Flinby doesn't work weekends. Thank you for attending another savage edition of The Hall of Heads. TMBG, please play our closing theme as our patrons file out.

Pallophotophone - Engineering the talkies.

Back in 1927, sound recorded on film was a big new thing. It eliminated sync problems during movie playback, since both sound and picture were run on the same machine. Here's an article from the May 1927 issue of Popular Science Monthly, after the first public demonstration of the new technology. Of the two sound-on-film recording techniques (Fox/Western Electric and RCA Photophone), the invention of C.A. Hoxie, reported here, was to become the dominant technology in the industry. To hear the machine described, it's kind of a freaky achievement for 1927. Apparently, people were smarter than we generally give them credit for.

If this isn't interesting to you, then you may want to come back tomorrow, when there'll maybe be some jokes or something.

The P.A.G! Images and Scanning Them Team apologizes for the visible binding in the left side of the image. Instead of cutting out the pages out of the magazine for a super clean scan, it was scanned intact, in accordance with our catch-and-release policy of sustainable magazine imaging.

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The Shirtless Men Grim Chamber Test

Joke #1 - "Bachelor number one, if I vere to ask bachelor number three what bachelor number two's face tastes like and I were to ask bachelor number four vhat your nipples smell like, vhat vould he say?" -Segment from East Berlin Cellar Dating Game, canceled after half an episode.

Joke #2 - "Okay, these readings are all wrong. Someone's got Gary's tube in his mouth. Trust me, you don't want to do that."

Joke #3 - Scene from Mystery Hose, Stuttgart's most popular cooking show.

Joke #4 - "All of your joy levels are completely flat. Well done. There will be no celebration."

Joke #5 - "Bertrand, stop chewing on your tube. This is a science dungeon, not a happiness dungeon."

Joke #6 - Scene from Professor Konkrete's Chamber of Various Person-Konnected Hoses, Dresden's most popular children's show.

Joke #7 - "Bertrand, please shtop making der farty noises into Humholt's nipple-bracket-hose. You are making a mockery of zis experiment."

Joke #8 - "And we're back. Let's pick up where we left off before the break by taking a few more calls. Can I ask that we get at least one question that's NOT about Bieber?"

Mr.Fancy"Is It Wrong?"Balls_2 sent us Joke #9. Thank you as usual, Mr.Fancy"Is It Wrong?"Balls_2! - Geoffrey Baer's WTTW pledge drive suddenly took a turn for the worst, when they cut to the wrong phone banks during his "Deep Inside Chicago" tour broadcast.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]