7/26/17
7/24/17
The Brain Machine
Joke #2 - "This large dish goes on your head, of course, and the two sockets... well, you don't want to know where they go. And enough of your whining already! You should have thought of this before you had a cavity."
Joke #3 - "If you start to feel a slight paralyzing sensation, just call out to us with your thoughts, and we'll come running in.... unless the machine isn't amplifying your thoughts correctly... the first symptom of which is near total paralysis of the subject. Okay! Ready to begin?"
Joke #4 - "Yes! The correct answer was 'Deuteronomy', and while you did say 'Deuteronomy', you were actually thinking 'Leviticus'. So, that means we now move on to the special Punishment Round! And since it's Good Friday, this is an audience participation event!"
[Commenter jokes will be added to the post. -Mgmt.]
7/20/17
Kensitas - Never heard of them. "That's good!"
Who-sitas? Kensitas. Sorry, never heard of them. That's because I'm a yank, and Kensitas is a Scottish-owned UK-only brand of cigarette. Yes, "is". Turns out they're still around, and probably still rhyming it up somewhere. They sure are rhyming it up a bit in this ad, found in a 1952 copy of Picture Post.
Yep, 1952 sure loved itself some rhyming ads. The hope was that an ad in catchy limerick form would stick in the mind in the same way that "Blimey, I'm addicted to nicotine. I need a cigarine!" sticks in the mind. Incidentally, "cigarine" is a cockney blithering gibberish rhyming slang for "cigarette" that I just made up.
This ad shows us all three types of Englishperson, each with very strong opinions about Kensitas. Spoiler alert - they like Kensitas:
The tousled but pretty ex-con who still wears the handcuffs of her arrest as a reminder of what she is willing do for a Kensitas. Her waist is the same diameter as her head, which not only indicates that she could easily wear the handcuffs as a belt, but also shows us that you really can smoke yourself thin - "That's good!"
The merry seaside deck chair rentsman, played tonight by John Cleese, who judges seaside visitors by whether they smoke Kensitas, or are "a right bastard, that one". Don't cross the chair rentsman. Your bum is in his hands. "That's good!"
The grizzled old sea captain, who once had something on his mind, but that was ever such a long time ago. He always keeps a Kensitas wedged between his teeth and lip, somehow. You may think he's steering the boat, and that the helm just drifts artfully out of the image, but nope. That's his entire boat now. Hey, didn't he set sail with a full crew aboard his vessel? Never you mind. Stare into the emptiness of his briney blue gaze and know that the sea keeps her secrets. "That's good!"
Bet you didn't notice, but each of the three types of Englishperson are 1000 pixel square images, if you click through them. This means you can save them for use as your personal profile picture in whatever it is the kids are using to yammer back and forth at each other about last night's episode of 13 Reasons Why when they should be watching for the light to turn green again. Put your fucking phone down and drive your fucking car, you narcissistic prick!
Aaaanyway, you're welcome for your new avatar/profile picture! "That's good!"
7/17/17
7/13/17
7/12/17
Roto-Hoe - Getting dirty and shirty.
It's high summer, people, and the weeds are going coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs. Isn't it nice to know that the troglodytes back in 1955 had the same problem? Not really. Kind of boring, really. Anyway, if you were slightly posh, you could have bought yourself a Roto-Hoe to tear the shit out of your weedy yard, to teach it a lesson. Stay tuned for a stupid shirt that no one will buy!
The happy Roto-Hoer in this ad has just handed over $134 in 1955 money for the privilege of ownership. What's that come out to in current FutureBucks? Just over $1200. Can you pay that much for a rototiller today? Sure you can, but it probably won't be made domestically, of course. And, it won't have a cool exposed drive belt, making easy for you to lose a finger. It's funny that "Many experimental models were tried from 1936 to 1947", but during all that woodshedding, nobody bothered to say "How about we put a cage around that belt, whirring around at toddler height?". That would have cost an extra two dollars, of course, and dollars don't grow on trees, the way fingers do.
Anyway, this dirty girl can be your own special Roto-Hoe with our stupid new shirt! The print can be had in pink, orange, or kind of a turquoise cyan color, on your choice of shirt color, something like this. Just imagine what your life could be like if you had one!
Yep, you'd have to really like yard work to wear a shirt like this. Or, just be sort of weird. If you're kinda weird, or a yardworkhorse, here's a link to the designs in our Spreadshirt shop. You're welcome, for some reason!
Link to the pink. https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1011684626?q=I1011684626
Orange you glad you have this color option? https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1011684517?q=I1011684517
Cyanne of greeny-blue gables would like this color. https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1011684567?q=I1011684567
Anyway, this dirty girl can be your own special Roto-Hoe with our stupid new shirt! The print can be had in pink, orange, or kind of a turquoise cyan color, on your choice of shirt color, something like this. Just imagine what your life could be like if you had one!
Link to the pink. https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1011684626?q=I1011684626
Orange you glad you have this color option? https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1011684517?q=I1011684517
Cyanne of greeny-blue gables would like this color. https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1011684567?q=I1011684567
7/11/17
7/4/17
White's Pit Stop - Rod & Custom, 1973
The staff here at GO! Tower have been having a great time flipping through a recent shipment of old magazines, including some very groovy hot rod magazines from The Early Seventies. This ad for White's Pit Stop features a terrific ink drawing that is very typical of the hot rod scene of that time.
At the time this ad ran, in April '73, White's was located in South Holland, Illinois. I wonder what's there now.
Hmm. Looks like White's was bought out by a shed and some recycling dumpsters. That's a bummer for the hot rod set. No, wait! According to the Ultranet, White's is still around. They just moved to Schererville, Indiana! They have a FaceTube page and everything! Pretty cool!
The drawing in this old ad is so nice, it'd be great if some hero would make a shirt out of that rodded-out truck, right? It would look the most authentically vintage in a single color, like an independent gearhead shop would have done back in 1973. Nothing too fancy. Can do!
Incidentally, if you're from White's Pit Stop and you're just finding this post, I hope you don't mind us using this ancient ad to give you some free advertising.
You can get the print in black or white on any shirt in any color you want. It may look best on a ringer shirt or something retro like that.
Black version:
White version:
Sample images:
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