Behold, the distant future! The world of 1999!

Citizens, I'm sure you often wonder what The Future will be like. Well, you can thank the Philco corporations (no relation) for making, and FaceTuber "Stakker" for posting this 1969 film The Year 1999 A.D.! That's a lot of nines! Will there still be humans, or will the world simply be populated by a master race of nines? What wonders await? What horrors? Well, look for these horrorwonders in the fantastic year of 1999 A.D.!!!!!!!

-The pacing and tone of life in 1999 will be eerie and weird (probably stoned), but that may just be the 1969 film makers.

-Music will be chosen and played seemingly at random.

-As many things that can possibly be "disposable" will be "disposable". Presumably, the Earth will be orbited by at least fifty moons, all made of garbage.

-Many sentences will be cut off by a jumpcut, and you'll never know what the person was trying to s-

-All members of the family will use marvellous technology, but women will use it to perpetuate their subjugation to men, making (frozen) meals to order, and relying on their husbands to control all money and make all decisions.

-Every task performed by a computer will require a separate piece of hardware, with the home office filled with boxes and screens. Imagine all the machines we'll get to buy for all our technically-assisted tasks!

1999 is going to be a great future. I can't wait! Can you also not wait? You really should consider being unable to wait.




Just for good measure, here's Flight of the Conchords doing The Distant Future / Robots, about life in the year 2000. What a marvellous time it shall be!

Seagram's V.O. - The Supermarket of the Future!

Ever wonder what was up in 1945? Well on September 2nd, a crazy misunderstanding called Double-You Double-You Eye-Eye stopped happening, and everybody was all "No Way! Really? GTFO." Twenty-four hours later, this issue of LIFE magazine hit the shelves, and Seagram's was already planning our bright, efficient future. They didn't waste any time, did they?

Behold, the Supermarket of the Future, as envisioned by a whisky manufacturer. It's good to know how we're all buying food now, isn't it?

The shiny and efficient future we all enjoy today was foreseen in nearly every sharp detail by the wizards at Seagram's. How did they know?

We've come a long way, baby. Thank god the Greatest Generation was there in '45 to ensure this glowing future of wisdom and freedom, which they themselves could not possibly have fully envisioned, no matter how much Seagram's V.O. they drank.

If you simply must see more shining visions of our victorious retail dream of modernity, you can probably find more than you can deal with over at PeopleOfWalmart. Seagram's has got you covered if you feel the need for a drink afterward, which is more than likely.

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The Wonder City of the Future You Definitely Didn't Live to See

We love futurists, here at GO! Tower. Somebody has to figure out how we'll do everything in the future. Futurists usually look like naive goofs, but if you don't at least make some attempt to plan how to make things work, you wind up living in a city that's not so much structured as it is congealed. A city could theothetically look like a perfectly balanced model of efficiency if the whole thing were designed by one person at one time, but this is almost never the reality. Usually, cities wind up as ad-hoc jumbles, designed by hundreds of committees working independently, at different times over decades. Poor Harvey W. Corbett.

Good news! Predictions of future past don't have to be accurate to have value. When they miss the mark, they can range from fascinating to hilarious. That's how you make lemonade out of disappointing lemons. Here's a two page feature from a 1925 issue of Popular Science Monthly on the ideas Harvey Corbett and his ideas for the future city of 1950. Lemonade up, you! It's not so much hilarious as it is interesting. Corbett was a pretty successful architect, and his ideas were not insane in the membrane, just very optimistic. But that's what we want when we're shopping for futurists, isn't it? Optimism. Okay, sometimes I like a futurist to be completely out of their mind. That's not Harvey. Maybe next time?

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Super-Shell Gasoline - A little comedy.

"'In 25 years you'll swing into main street at 50', says Norman Bel Geddes." BAH HAH HAH HAH HAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OH man, stop it, you're killing me!! Oooooh god, BAH AH HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

"Main Street won't be a 'stop street' in 1960". "Nationwide, the average motorist makes thirty stops a day..." Oooooo, so scary! Thirty whole stops! Madness! Surely this must be the end times! Oh man, my frikkin sides. Stop it! Norm, you're adorable. Last night I made thirty stops in my car on my way to get a Diet Sunkist out of my fridge.

Norman Bel Geddes was a theatrical set designer, then an industrial designer, and then a hilariously dark comedian. He loved art deco, which was pretty much swimming with the current, in 1937. He also fancied himself something of a futurist. Futurists are people who not only like thinking about The Future - they like prophesying about "what will happen". This is all hunky dorey. SOMEbody's got to think about The Future. However, when you use language like "you will", you're setting yourself up to look like a dope. The good thing is, you'll probably be dead by the time your reign as King Doofus, Lord of Delusion, begins. Better to use phrases like "I think we should..." and "if we built things this way, it would..." etc. etc.

Observe this other miniature that Geddes built for the 1939 New York World's Fair. It illustrates his idea of separating pedestrians and vehicular traffic with elevated sidewalks. A fine idea, and fun to build in miniature! It slightly didn't happen, though. Wait. Did it happen somewhere? Well, it sure didn't become the standard.

Partly sunny, with areas of urine smell.

In fact, here in Chicago, we have Wacker Drive, upper and lower versions of it. It's a double decker mishmash of people and cars all mixed together in defiance of Geddes' prediction. In fairness to old Norm, Chicago predates this Shell ad by like fifty years, so by the time old Norm came around to redesign the American city for us, we weren't exactly working with a blank sheet of paper. But when Chicago didn't like the direction its river flowed, they beat it with a length of pipe until it went the other way. You'd think if we really wanted to do the Norman Bel Geddes thing, we would have done it, probably funded with parking tickets. Ah well. Plus ten points for our total lack of good intentions, right?

Lower Wacker. So dank, even cars are afraid of being murdered down here.

There is one thing I'm definitely glad Geddes was wrong about: teardrop cars. Maybe they were very "aero", but man do they look retarded. The Toyota Prius (the car powered by smugness) was designed to be sort of teardrop shaped, and man does it look retarded. We can do better.

Goo goo g'joob!

But I do love me some miniature cities. Whether the're made of Lego or matte board, I'll take it. We don't know why he built the miniature that features so prominently in today's ad, but he seemed to just build them. Since the world's fair was two years away, it may have been something to do with that. Who wants a special crop of this picture? I do... and I have two thumbs! I think I got that joke wrong. Know what's NOT wrong? Having a picture of this miniature future city, complete with horrible spermdrop cars! If you need to ask why, shut up! Right click these mofos into your heart immediately!

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Cosco Metal Household Furniture - Triangle man, triangle man...

Here in The Modern Future, all citizens dwell together in various regions of The Blue Void, where strife and unrest are not known. Observe our efficient and easy-to-care-for kitchen furniture! It is formed of steel, for sturdiness and magnetism! You will express no emotion at our wonders! Emotions are frivolous. These are things of The Past.

The Blue Void provides warmth and nutrition, delivered on sturdy walnut-and-brass carts, for your pleasure. DO NOT EXPRESS PLEASURE! Socialization Guests will appear at the prescribed hour, and in the approved quantities, which is two.

You shall require four plates, for The Socialization Cake is moist and flavorful. However, one of your two Socialization Guests shall not ingest the Pleasure Fluid which is decanted from the Modern Brass-Finish Teapot. This guest shall not require fluid, as she has recently enjoyed a Kayo. Therefore, the number of the Pleasure Fluid Cups shall be three.

If there is inquiry as to the function of the Hourglass Step Stool, the Male Partner shall use the Demonstration Triangle to perform the Lifting of the Red Cushion ritual with the Swingaway Steps maneuver. And thus will all be known.

Socialization Cake may be wrapped in Nutrient Management Towelettes and carried by your guests to their own region of the Blue Void for subsequent ingestion. Also, leftovers may be stored in the Low-Temperature Refrigeration Cube as described in the scrolls.

Socialization complete! Let it be so written, so that none may forget.

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Particle Man hates triangle man.

Central Mutual Insurance - Tomorrowiness.

The Central Mutual Insurance company new a good thing when they saw it. Space was big stuff in 1957. All the world's scientists had nipple erections for the I.G.Y. project, and Russia's Sputnik was about to scare America into a trouser-moistening hysteria, motivating them to build Nasa in '58. What to do? Sell insurance.

"Tomorrow Minded". Tomorrow minded how? Did Central Mutual underwrite part of the government's efforts to put a coffee maker into orbit just so they could say they did it? Nope. They just want you to plan for The Future, and getting your attention with some spacey imagery is job one. Aah. Well, they made some nice art for their ad, at least.

America's first satellite would eventually be Explorer 1, pictured above. It was the symbol of America's tumescent excitement about space. Hands above the table please, gentlemen. If Nasa had been run by women, would Explorer have looked the same?

Here's a watercolor of Central Mutual's advertiser's hired artist's impression of a satellite, which you'll agree looks rather Sputniky. And why not? It was the only successful satellite at the time this ad ran. Note the safety tips on the ends of the antennae. We don't want to poke space's eye out. This would be the dominant American image of a satellite until the Space Shuttle program of The Seventies, which allowed every American to see video of satellites being placed into orbit. This revealed to everyone the fact that satellites from now on would look less like chrome basketballs and more like dishwashers. Progress.

And here's the super brilliant house that we all hoped to be living in. Some of us are still dreaming of owning a futuristic lair of such enviable coolness. Such crazy angles. Wantwantwantwant. But look at the little man next to the car. All the future in the world isn't going to help you remember where you left your keys. Maybe you left them in the solarium, where Bond will find them and escape with your wife and nonspecific sports coupe?

"I think I left it in drive."

Lastly, we bring you this watercolor astronaut, in the Michelin Man-style spacesuit that everyone imagined but nobody ever used. Note the two change makers on his breasts. He must be parking cars in orbit. Poor job he's doing of it, too. Look at the satellite. It's getting farther away with every orbit. You call THAT geosynchronous? You're off the mission. You can walk home. Maybe he's staring up at the satellite, wondering if his bubble helmet will be enough to protect him from the rather pointy parts, once it's unstable orbit brings it out near him? I hope he has Central Mutual. Pitching their services as "future minded", they'd better cover satellite-related injuries. Also some kind of joke about Laika, Russia, and coverage of "acts of dog". [Note to self: have an intern polish up this last paragraph into a delightful zinger.]

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BART BA Subway - Now arriving at future.

Postcard at antique stores can be just stupid expensive. I have five bucks on me, but I'm not handing it over in exchange for an old postcard. This one was 25¢, and good thing, because I may have paid as much as $2 if they pushed me (where "they" is the paper sign on the shoebox in which they were cleverly displayed.). Behold, the subway of the future!

Man, that's a cool looking train. It has two things I look for in public service / institutional engineering: molded white plastic, asymmetry, and geometric angles. I know that's three, but I threw in an extra thing I look for because you have an honest face.

I had to look up what "BART BA" stands for. It's an acronym for "Bay Area Rapid Transit" and the extra "BA" may have been a typo, or maybe it's a bonus at no extra charge because the logo guy thought you have an honest face, or maybe because it was 1978 and most of California wasn't thinking too straight because everyone was hopped up on herpes medication. The picture shows the Lake Merritt train station in Oakland, which is home to a lake that combines salt and fresh water. I didn't know there were and lakes like that, but I don't spend lots of time thinking about lakes in that way. If I did think about it, I'd guess that if one combined salt and fresh water, you'd have a slightly more diluted batch of salt water. I dunno. Maybe the density of one or the other makes one float on the other. Who cares? I should cut that part out before I post this. It's really off-topic. I'll leave a note for the editorial staff.

Okay, the train. It has that futuristic look that  people in the seventies liked. The TV show Space 1999 had it. Curvy biomorphic chairs are set against chunky geometric walls. It's the aesthetic of a clean, simplified future designed by Abba and made from vaccuformed white PVC. It's the future in which you can still smell the recently-removed shrink wrap. For further examples see Star Wars (The first three movies. The only ones worth watching.).

The train driver's window is off to one side because... err, I'm not sure why, but it probably has something to do with it being a train, and the driver only has to make the thing stop and go. He's not steering it like a car. Asymmetry implies the idea of function taking precedence over form. Engineering over style. This is a kind of purity and elegance whose polar opposite can be found in the ornamental styles of everything from classical Greece to early American colonial design.People instinctively like things lined up in a row, and centered with each other. Going against this fundamental desire implies that "it doesn't need to be centered, so it won't be." I think that mentally, this slight dissonance is intriguing and satisfies in the same way that spicy food is really good despite a light tingle of pain.

The Nissan Cube takes the whole industrial asymmetry thing and does it backwards. The rear window on the Cube is asymmetrical, but that's only the glass. If you look at the corner where the glass wraps around, you can see the drivers' side c-pillar behind the glass, whereas the passenger side c-pillar is visible on the outside. This is interesting because asymmetry implies function over form, but the Nissan would have been easier to manufacture with a more conventional balanced look.The asymmetrical glass is a styling choice that hides the actual symmetry of the structure. I'd rather they made the car truly asymmetrical, with an unobstructed corner window, but that would have sent costs up and made it hard to meet safety requirements.

Throw in some bold, simple graphics on the train and some big planes of orange and white in the train station and you're ready to rattle off into the bell-bottomed, blow-dried future where Dabney Coleman waits for his train down to L.A. to catch a table read for North Dallas Forty. Personally, the movie I remember him for is WarGames from 1984, where he plays Dr. McKittrick, but that film probably wasn't in pre-pro until 1979. Wait. Maybe Coleman was riding this train into the future to make the WarGames table read? That's what I'd do.

World's Fair '67 - The future is made of triangles.

The 1967 World's Fair took place in Montreal, Canada. These postcards show us how excited people were about slanty buildings with no right angles. I have to say, they're more interesting than squares, although I do like squares just fine. Disclaimer: When the world is taken over by aliens that force architects to abandon the right angle and they become hard to find, I will pine away for a nice simple rectangular building that doesn't look like it's in a perpetual state of tripping over a skateboard.

Behold the Gyrotron! An expensive doohickey you can ride on... of the futurrre!!! The back of the postcard says this: "The Gyrotron, a completely aluminum structure, dominates the "thrill" area of La Ronde. Visitors ride through "space" high inside a 217-foot pyramid (right) then deep into the boiling crater of a volcano (left)." Oh, those wacky Kanucks. They got their rights and lefts backwards. Although, once you've flipped the card over, the pyramid is technically on the right. This would be made plain to you if you were beholding the back of the postcard while holding it up to the sun. They shore do things funny in Canadia.

Behold, the Air Canada pavilion! It looks like there's not a lot of interior space inside it, which is probably fine. How much can an airline have to brag about? "Yes, a meal is served on flights longer than two hours. Otherwise a light snack is provided for our guests on shorter flights. The lemonade may contain peanut products, so those with peanut allergies may wish to enjoy the peanuts instead, which are made from old hockey pads. Thank you for visiting the Air Canada pavilion." It's a cool looking building, so it's probably best to behold from the outside and just move on.

Behold the Great Britain pavilion! Their statue represents the three food groups of modern architecture: Tiltyness, pointyness, and shinyness. It was a historical perspective piece commemorating the battle of Trafalgar entitled "Boat Slices on a Stick". Not true. I just made that up.

Actually, in '67 England was getting ready to bless the world with Monty Python (1969-74). Maybe there was a prototype version of Python on display in the pavilion? Early experiments with absurdist deconstructionist comedy being tested on the forward-thinking crowds in Montreal? Maybe there was a pre-production version of the fish-slapping dance or the dirty fork sketch? I'd like to behold that!

Thank you for beholding the '67 expo. Please return your current era to it's upright position and exit the post card in an orderly fashion. Don't forget your souvenir 1967 goodie bag containing complimentary love beads, low grade marijuana, and crab lice. One per passenger, please!

Kaiser Aluminum - Space is made of metal.

Joke #1: Okay, children. Let's look at some great space technology brought to you by Kaiser aluminum! You three girls, though, will probably want to move on to the next exhibit over that way. It's got some pink frilly crap in it, which you'll enjoy. Right this way, men!

Joke #2: Okay, kids, behind me you see the wondrous "Macroscope", developed by Kaiser aluminum over a period of five years. By looking through it, you can see big things at their actual size! Any questions?

Joke #3: Yes, I'll answer all your questions about Kaiser aluminum in turn. I'll have to wear this helmet, though. You know, kids, I've been to space, but I still can't bear to be breathed on by you filthy, filthy children. You there. Stop picking that!

Joke #4: Thanks for coming out to the Kaiser aluminum fun factory today, kids! Before I choose one delicious earth child to grind into a paste, I'll need you all to remove any watches, jewelry or other "un-grindable" objects and place them in that tray over there. The machine can't grind metal.... especially if it's tough, lightweight Kaiser aluminum, ha ha!

Joke #5: You know, kids, I've been to space so many times, I can no longer tolerate Earth's "atmospheric pressure". If I were to remove this helmet, my head would explode like an over-ripe tomato. Now, a little while ago, I prepared a crushed human head and a smashed tomato, to see if you can tell the difference! I'll be right back.

Joke #6: Gosh, kids. It's awfully easy breathing in my space suit, here. You know, I don't know how you children endure Earth's thin atmosphere, ha ha. Tell you what... I'll invite one of you kids into my space suit here with me, to see what I mean. How about you, Jimmy? ...Jimmy? Hey, I'm talking to you.

Joke #7: You know, children, up there in outer space, there's no nice gasses or stuff to breathe and junk. Or sandwiches. Mice don't go to space, heh heh hehe. All of us astro-explorers or whatever breathe sweet, savory nitrous oxide to breathe. You kids are really huge. Who wants to try on my helmet?

Joke #8: As for me, I became a "spacer" for the adventure and the feeling that I'm helping expand human knowledge. And because my wife can't find me there. Say, how many of you kids are married?

Joke #9: You know, children, they say that in space no one can hear you scream. That's why I record the screams of my dying crew on my hip computer here, so I can hear them again and again. Who here can scream really loud?

Joke #10: Yes, I know what you're all thinking. "If he's so strong, why does he need that helmet to breathe?" Well, do you think this railing can hold me back? I can step right over it you know! You all think you're better than me? I was once like you! DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME!!!!

Joke #11: ...And Kaiser aluminum will be there to build the rockets that take man to the... Wait, I'm getting a transmission from the Space Council. Yes, yes. Understood.... Okay, children! Let's all step into the host immobilization chamber to your left and hold your hands above your head. Try not to make any screaming sounds. Say, are any of you allergic to ovapositors? Ha ha! Only kidding! It doesn't matter.

Joke#12: At last! Daddy is free from his aluminum prison, and now with Maria gone, nothing can stop the Von Trapp family singers! "Hey you, murder-face. Help me take off this belt."
"Hey mister, shouldn't we be farther away when the rocket takes off?

Honeywell Chronotherm - Gimme that house.

This ad for Honeywell thermostats is from 1943 concerns itself mostly with war bonds. For those younger than sixty: a war bond is just a low-interest loan to the government in a time of war. War bonds are purchased by citizens on a voluntary basis to assist the government in financing a major war. The interest paid on war bonds is generally less than what can be gotten on other types of investments, so the basic motivation is that of helping out with the war effort.

Yes, very nice, but look at that unbelievably cool house!

In 1943, Art Deco had mostly run it's course, but it's sleek sensibility had been given a new life in "streamlining". I could try to paraphrase, but Wikipedia says it best...

"As the depression decade of the 1930s progressed, Americans saw a new aspect of the Art Deco style emerge in the marketplace: Streamlining. The Streamlining concept was first created by industrial designers who stripped Art Deco design of its fauna and flora in favor of the aerodynamic pure-line concept of motion and speed developed from scientific thinking."

There's nothing I don't like about this house. This ad was scanned from American Home magazine, and there is a definite sense, in flipping through the pages, that America was thinking about two things at the time. One was World War 2 (duh). The other is modernism. This ad is just one example from that magazine of America's preoccupation with the future and minimalism. Maybe it went hand in hand with the idea of economy, something they could thank WWII for? Maybe simplification was an easier pill to swallow than the over-ornamentation of classicism? There's no maybe about the fact that everybody was more than eager to look forward to better times. I dunno, though. I can just as easily see people taking comfort in styles of the past, when things are grim.

Look at the car in the garage, though. That's a dead giveaway. Designers in the 40's were still not so great in imagining cars of the future. The car is very vertical, and current cars are very horizontal and low to the ground. Hey! A two-car garage! That was a pretty rare idea in 1943. Very few people could imagine owning two cars at the time. Futuristic indeed.

Lastly, I like the near-perfect isometric perspective of the illustration. I know exactly where I'd park my Zaxxon spaceship when I come home from a hard day of using my space bullets to line up my ship to fly through small holes in fortress walls. Pew pew pew!

Studebaker Avanti - And some die that deserve life. Can you give it to them?

In October 1963, Motor Trend ran an article on some of the new model year cars. Among them, the Studebaker Avanti.

In the sixties, the car industry was still woozy from the "cars should look like airplanes" trend of the fifties. Fins were shrinking and pretend rocket engines were slowly turning back into normal tail light lenses once again. If you ask me, the fifties were a  time of juvenile car design. Everybody was thrilled with the "space age" and anything that could be made to look like a rocket, should look like a rocket. Nobody seemed to bother to ask "why?". Why should a family car, that rarely if ever exceeds fifty miles per hour, have little wings on the back? Answer: Because grownups are just large children.

To be fair, this motivation hasn't really gone away. Four out of five 1990-something Honda Civics have a giant picnic table wing pop-riveted to the trunk because it "looks cool". never mind the fact that the car is front wheel drive and a rear wing is intended to provide downforce for the rear wheels which tend to break loose under hard cornering if and only if the car is rear wheel drive.

So, there we were, in 1963, with the entire American auto industry just staggering out of bed, wondering what it drank in the fifties, and tripping over an empty bottle of "Tail Fin Tequila". Then, Studebaker bursts in the front door, morning sunlight beaming in. Studebaker is bright and cheery, wondering if Buick, Chevy and Ford want to go jogging. This was the Studebaker Avanti. The Big Three invited Studebaker to go fuck itself.

The Avanti has always been a very modern car, especially considering the age of the design. There's not much to explain. You look at it and you think it's a 1986 something or other. Then somebody points out that it's a '63 Studebaker and you go "Whaaaaaaa??????". That's what I did.

When you say "Studebaker" to most people, they think of the '51 Studebaker Commander that Fozzie and Kermit drove in The Muppet Movie. This makes it even weirder that in 1962, Studebaker came up with the Avanti, a design that would look more at home twenty or thirty years in the future. I don't mean that in the "That car look like it's from the future." way. I mean that from the perspective of someone several decades in the future who thinks the design would be more at home here and now than in 1963 America.

By comparison, here's a picture of a 1964 Mustang - one of the Avanti's competitors and a car that enjoys a much bigger following than the Avanti. It looks pretty clunky by comparison, if you ask me.

The Studebaker factory closed in December 1963, two months after this issue of Motor Trend hit the shelves. There can be lots of reasons a business calls it quits, but one way of interpreting the closure is that people weren't ready for the Avanti. The rest of the industry still had to go 28 years before saying "Oooooh, I get it now!" and making a car that looked even a little bit like the Avanti.

After the death of Studebaker, the Avanti was still produced in small numbers through 1987, the tooling having been purchased by one entrepreneur after another, being built in small quantities for collectors and enthusiasts. That tells you something.

I'm trying to think of a current car that won't be appreciated fully for another twenty or so years. Well there's plenty of unforgivably ugly cars out there. The Pontiac Aztek, Toyota Venza, and any given SUV spring to mind. Does that mean we'll come around in a few decades to give them their due? I doubt that. What's super modern and misunderstood? Errr. If I knew that I'd be rich.