Paw Fell Agin

So you're going to screw with your phone.

So You're Going to Drive - Pedestrians.

Come on, Floppy Sue

Galleon Kids.

Joke #1 - The sea spray over the gunwales, the warm glow of a merchant vessel burning to the waterline, the hiss of a well-slit throat. Jimmy and Charlotte had to admit, they didn't regret dropping out of law school.

Joke #2 - "There she is, kids. Right beautiful, in't she? Get yourselves belowdecks and prepare the guns. Tonight, the wind will be filled with the screams of skee-ball buskers and, if we're lucky, Chuck E. Cheese 'imself."

Joke #3 - These pirates weren't so bad after all. Although he sometimes missed his family, Carl was glad he had been whisked away on a bloodthirsty whirlwind adventure by Captain Jimmy and Captain Charlotte.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Kensitas - Never heard of them. "That's good!"

Who-sitas? Kensitas. Sorry, never heard of them. That's because I'm a yank, and Kensitas is a Scottish-owned UK-only brand of cigarette. Yes, "is". Turns out they're still around, and probably still rhyming it up somewhere. They sure are rhyming it up a bit in this ad, found in a 1952 copy of Picture Post.

Yep, 1952 sure loved itself some rhyming ads. The hope was that an ad in catchy limerick form would stick in the mind in the same way that "Blimey, I'm addicted to nicotine. I need a cigarine!" sticks in the mind. Incidentally, "cigarine" is a cockney blithering gibberish rhyming slang for "cigarette" that I just made up.

This ad shows us all three types of Englishperson, each with very strong opinions about Kensitas. Spoiler alert - they like Kensitas:

The tousled but pretty ex-con who still wears the handcuffs of her arrest as a reminder of what she is willing do for a Kensitas. Her waist is the same diameter as her head, which not only indicates that she could easily wear the handcuffs as a belt, but also shows us that you really can smoke yourself thin - "That's good!"

The merry seaside deck chair rentsman, played tonight by John Cleese, who judges seaside visitors by whether they smoke Kensitas, or are "a right bastard, that one". Don't cross the chair rentsman. Your bum is in his hands. "That's good!"

The grizzled old sea captain, who once had something on his mind, but that was ever such a long time ago. He always keeps a Kensitas wedged between his teeth and lip, somehow. You may think he's steering the boat, and that the helm just drifts artfully out of the image, but nope. That's his entire boat now. Hey, didn't he set sail with a full crew aboard his vessel? Never you mind. Stare into the emptiness of his briney blue gaze and know that the sea keeps her secrets. "That's good!"

Bet you didn't notice, but each of the three types of Englishperson are 1000 pixel square images, if you click through them. This means you can save them for use as your personal profile picture in whatever it is the kids are using to yammer back and forth at each other about last night's episode of 13 Reasons Why when they should be watching for the light to turn green again. Put your fucking phone down and drive your fucking car, you narcissistic prick!

Aaaanyway, you're welcome for your new avatar/profile picture! "That's good!"

Gosh Darn Car Repair

Checking your spark plugs.

When You Take the Wheel - Simulator session.

Careful Car Care Made Care Free - Beach and dedication.

Careful Car Care Made Care Free - Tires and Gears

Careful Car Care Made Care Free - Distributors and magic.

Careful Car Care Made Care Free #3 - Hand signals.

Gibbs Dentifrice, and 2015 Predictions!

It's a new year, citizens! That means... objectively, not much, but to a lot of people embarking on a new Arbitrary Companrtmentalized Segment of Time, it means lots. For example, it's the one time of year, apparently, when you should burn a few calories trying to change something about yourself. The rest of the year, just do whatever is easiest, I guess.

Here at GO! Tower, we have "gazed in the future" using our seven dollar conversation piece and assembled this list of predictions for 2015. Who knows what may hap? Keep breathing for another 360 days and find out... if you dare!

Phil Are GO! 2015 Predictions (Spoilers ahead!)...

1. Stefani Germanotta Lady Gaga will rent last year's slightly obsolete SpaceX vehicle, screw a vacuform boob cover on it, call it a "dress", and hail herself as a genius inventor of mind-blowing couture.

2. The phone manufacturer circle jerk of phone thin-ness will continue, with the release of a generation of devices less than four millimeters thick, while weeping customers beg for a device that can run a full day on one charge.

3. A General Atomics AQ-1 Predator unmanned drone will announace a bid for the American presidency. Critics will call into question its military career, its stance on immigration, and demand it re-title itself as an unpersonned drone.

4. Literally hundreds of people will publicly announce they have never been sexually assaulted by Bill Cosby.

5. Kim Jong Un will find out where is cake.










Here's a good New year's Resolution from Jerry Orbach. Brush your teeth.

Lucozade - The sparkling glucose drink.

Excitement, readers! There is finally a way to get glucose without a prescription! Lucozade!

Lucozade was originally formulated by English chemist William Owen, who was trying to "create a source of energy for those who were sick with common illnesses". So... sugar water. Lucozade is still around, but since 1952, has re-marketed itself as a "sports drink" to get away from the negative imagery of being "for sick people". One might say they have simply re-aimed their marketing at "gullible people". You can see the seeds of this truly clever idea in the imagery of this old ad. See the two happy, energetic people presumably having just played tennis? Sporty!

Interestingly, the Wikipedia page on Lucozade has a link to this Telegraph article about the bogusness of sports drinks, and how the sugar in them generally cancels out any benefit of exercise recently completed. Articles I've read in bicycling magazines always say the same thing: water is better and sports drinks are pointless. Additionally, a common thread in "sports drinks evaluation roundup" articles is this: Yes, elite athletes physically stressed to the very brink of exhaustion can possibly be dangerously short on glucose, but short of a marathon, your average person shuffling along a lakeshore path has never been - nor are they likely to ever be - in such a state.

But never mind that. Clip art time! You're going to need the right recovery drink after right clicking the hell out of this sporty picture of two people having recently played a spot of tennis. You're welcome!

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Breeze Soap - Calbert and Patsy.

Calbert and Patsy were courting. Today they decided to court in the country. And why not? Because of Breeze soap, they were both country-fresh.

 "Why, I do believe that today we sparkle." said Calbert. "Oh to be sure!" said Patsy. "For you and I have toileted with Breeze Soap this morning." "Aren't you feeling confident, Calbert?" patsy asked. "Oh gosh yes, Patsy!" said Calbert. "Say, I've got a devilish idea. Since we're in the country, and feeling so fresh, let's you and I go and frolic in the underbrush. I expect there'll be leaves to be found." "Oooooh, how grand!" Patsy enthused. "It will be ever so ebullient of us to caper in such a fashion!."

Calbert and Patsy flounced over to the undergrowth, where there were ever so many leaves. It was very country-fresh. "Do you know, Patsy, I believe that we are cool-limbed." speculated Calbert. Patsy didn't take but a moment to consider. "Oh, I should say so. You know how Breeze has such mild yet invigorating lather. I think we are cool-limbed. I can't ever recall feeling more cool-limbed that we are today." Said Patsy. "It makes me feel confident."

Calbert and Patsy were so country-fresh in the leaves that they chose to live in a hedge, near the road, forever and ever. They bathe in a puddle and the townsfolk are afraid to talk to them. The End.

Batchelors Foods - Ambitious wife.

Food news now, fresh from 1952. This just in: peas are "savoury", even when they come in a can!

Please read the copy for this ad, and don't forget to enjoy the phrase "a man's womenfolk".

Even more scandalous is this assemblage of words that don't make sense when placed next to each other: "tender, delicious peas". You can be a fan of peas (but I won't join you), but not of canned peas. All my life, I had never been able to choke the things down. Little, olive-colored bags of mush that popped in your mouth when you bit them, like stinky pimples, they were. Then, one day I tried frozen peas. The color was more green and less brown. They didn't smell like feet. Also, they tasted kind of like a plant, instead of a refinery. "Holy smokes! These are much less repulsive!" I gasped. When you stick a vegetable in a can, it turns into a mummy version of itself. Brown, shriveled, and preserved in a permanent state of being eight percent rotten.

It's possible that, so soon after the deprivations of World War 2, the English were glad to have food at all. But think about it this way. What did we fight a war for, if not to be free of the cruelty of canned peas?

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Breeze Soap - Timmy and Bev

Timmy and Bev spent the afternoon out in the garden. How could they not? There was a breeze today, and they both felt thrillingly all-over fresh. It would simply be madness not to frolic out in the breeze with the plants. Mother would approve.

"Where shall we luxuriate first, Bev?" asked Timmy. "Oh, don't make me choose, Timmy! The garden is ever so wonderful today! I feel simply limb-fresh just looking at it all! Let's caper near the flowers!"

They capered near the flowers. Their all-over freshness was thrilling. They thrilled there as was their wont, allowing the breeze to toss their hair. It made them laugh. "Won't mother be cross with us that we mussed our hair together, Bev?" "She would, Timmy, if she thought we weren't country-fresh from top to toe. As long as we have Breeze, mother knows our skin has the sparkle of spring, and that's the most important thing of all!"

Timmy closed his eyes to let his eyelids enjoy some of the breeze, and when he opened them, Bev was not to be seen. "Bev?" he called. "Where have you got to?" Timmy became concerned for just a short moment, but then, as he turned about, Bev's head popped up from the rose bushes. "Surprise!" Bev shouted. "Oh!" Timmy cried. "There you are! What a tricksome sister you are! Tra-la-ha-ha-ha-ha! What a great jig you've played on me! Fa-la-la-ha-ha-ha!"

They laughed together in the roses. "Do you know, Timmy..." asked Bev, "...I don't think I can come out of the roses. They've all snagged my coat! I think the flowers are a merry trickster too! Fa-la-la-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Timmy chided the roses "Oh, you naughty roses. You let my sister go. You're ever so fiendish. really you are! Aah-ha ha ha!"

They both laughed in the breeze, and in the flowers. They laughed ever so hard. The flowers tore at Bev's coat, and at Timmy's sleeves as he tried to get Bev out. Then the thorns tore at their skin, which had the sparkle of spring. The breeze was so fresh! The more they struggled, the more they got scratched by the rose thorns. There were little drops of blood from finger tip to finger tip. They had to pause to catch their breath. They were becoming woozy.

"I say, Timmy," Bev said, "with so many scratches, we'll look like we've been in The Wars! Won't mother be frightfully worried if we don't come in for afternoon tea?" "I should say not, Bev" Timmy reassured her. "There's never been a soldier so confident and country-fresh as us!" "Oh, Timmy! You delightfully clever boy! What a grand, grand joke! Tra-la-la-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Bev liked this joke ever so much and laughed together with her brother in the garden breeze, struggling, laughing and bleeding in the flowers, until it became dark and the fire brigade came.

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Little Ads - We found some history.

Today the Research & Googling Team has brought us some slices of interestingness... made of history! Mmm, waiter, can I have some coffee with all this history?

I'd never seen the word "skivvies" used in advertising before. I'd only heard it used colloquially. So, I tasked the guys down in R&G to get to the bottom of this one. World Wide Words says this:
The word has been briefly trademarked several times, but the earliest in the US Trademarks Registry is dated 1954 (by Norwich Mills Inc, Norwich, New York) and by then the word had been in public use for some time... In the singular, a skivvy is usually defined as a vest (as we would call it in Britain) or undershirt, sometimes specifically named as a skivvy shirt. In the plural it either refers to both vest and underpants or to male underwear in general. Most examples suggest that this last meaning came along after the one for a vest. But that 1918 citation is in the plural, which may indicate it was already a fairly broad term. The early examples all indicate it was US military slang.
Other sources agree with the military origin of the term. So, it turns out that this ad we found here is from a 1954 issue of LIFE magazine, which makes it the first attempt to trademark the word "skivvies".

This ad comes to us from 1952, in the British magazine Picture Post. It's an ad for Dunlop bicycle "tyres" (heh heh). It seems to assume that the reader instantly recognizes the horseshoe things and associates them with cycling. A moment's staring tells me that this is some kind of trouser cuff clip.

Trouble is, here in The Future, most workaday cyclists I see use some kind of velcro strappy deal to keep their cuff from getting jammed in the chain. I myself am a fairly big bike geek, so if I'm riding, I'm probably wearing spacey bike clothes, looking like an insect. Also, I'm safely concealed in a forest of some kind, where stupid looking weirdos belong.

R&G found some vintage trouser clips like the ones in this ad on Ebay, see? Case closed! Mystery solved! Check and mate!

This last ad is also from Picture Post. What the Eff is "Nervone? Apparently, nerves have "power" and it can run low. Thankfully, Nervone can build up more nerve power so you don't run out? What... is... this... shit?

Oooooh! Nervone is homeopathy, which makes it magic pills. Homeopathy is the idea that "like cures like". If you have cancer, take some cancer to chase it away. Even better, it says that molecules have "memory" of their previous states and - long story short - you can dilute something with water, all the way down to undetectable levels, and call it "medicine". In Britain, where libel laws are, uuh, "different", homeopathy enjoys wider acceptance among people who like magical thinking. Homeopathic remedies are either water or sugar pills, depending on whether the product is in liquid or solid form.

This ad describes conditions that are usually associated with stress and psychological conditions and blames them on "low nerve power". Nervone probably does nothing. As proof, skeptics have staged massive homeopathic "overdoses" to prove that the product contains no active ingredients. Nobody got sick.

Cowboy Cabaret - No parking.

Joke #1 - This weekend, five were killed and over twenty were injured in another hilarious parking mishap at the annual Magoo family reunion. all witnesses described all other witnesses as "roadhogs".

Joke #2 - 2013 Nissan Leaf. Current range on a full charge: to the kitchen and back. Described by manufacturer as "ideal city car".

Joke #3 - May 25, 3077. The head of George Lucas, suspended in a jar of fluid, proudly announced the absolutely-final-for-real-this-time-we-really-mean-it revised commemorative extra special holographic edition of the original Star Wars film. Mos Eisley Cantina scene pictured.

Joke #4 - For the 34th year in a row, the entertainment at the American Family Association's annual conference resulted in violence and ritual sacrifice, due to alleged "witchcraft".

Joke #5 - NHTSA Crash testing facility, 1908. Model T Ford undergoing the stringent "jangly piano test", which would determine whether the vehicle received the coveted "rootin' tootin'" rating or the dreaded "lilly-livered" rating that could spell doom for the auto manufacturer's sales.

Joke #6 - The SEMA convention of 1908 played host to nearly two manufacturers and attracted over twenty attendees, introducing such products as "the Fantabulous Floor Mat Fantastique", the "Emergency Roadside Safety Revolver" and "Doc Whitman's Old Fashioned Traffic Whiskey".

Joke #7 was donated by long time commenter Graigf. Thanks, Craigf! I was able to find out what a "flivver" is, but no results yet on the "hup-mo" reference. You have bested me, sir. Well done. Joke #7: ...coming to you LIVE in glorious FlivverVision, it's the Hup-mo-tones!

Joke #8 comes from first-time joke maker Anonymous2. Thanks Extranonymous! Y'll come back now, y'heah? - Hilldale Blotter- May 7th 1908. Police were soon summoned after Act 1 of Matilda Tannenheid's Octet, The "Nausea-Eight", threw open the doors of their automobile visage, revealing the four pantless gentlemen crooner's naughty-bits were actually being struck by felt covered mallets, operated the keys of her "Organ-Organ" to retrieve the vocal pitches she required. Those arrested were Ms. Tannenheid & her four female vocalist accomplices, all members of the Hilldale Suffragette Movement. The gentlemen received immediate hospice after icing. 

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]