Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
12/25/19
Thunderbirds - Give or Take a Million S2E6
<<< CRITICAL THUNDERBIRDS CHRISTMAS DATA >>>
Hear ye, hear ye, and also FYI. There is a Pointy Tree Day-themed episode of Thunderbirds that makes for some decent weirdcreepy holiday viewing. If you're an Amazon Prime subscriber, just look for season 2 episode 6, called "Give or Take a Million".
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| Since Thunderbirds is basically a toy box sprung horrifically to life, it's already pretty Christmassy to start with. A Christmas episode of Thunderbirds, even more so. You're not chicken, are you? |
11/27/19
Lazy annual post of this type - Pointy Tree Day Gift Tags!
As we all prepare for Annual Gluttony Day, and as we gird our collective loins for Seasonal Retail Atrocity Day, I think it's only proper that we keep in mind the real reason for the holidays: buying stuff for people and hoping they don't judge us for getting something they hate and thinking we're a terrible friend / sibling / parent / romantic partner / spouse / stalker.
So, now comes the time when everyone here at GO! Tower wish you and your family the most financially brutal Seasonal Retail Atrocity Day possible. To make the ordeal slightly less horrible to trudge through, please take comfort in the fact that it's stupid to buy cutesy tags to stick on all your Pointy Tree Day gifts, when we have tags right here for you that are better in every way than the maudlin crap at the store... except that you have to cut them apart yourself after you print them. Oh yeah, and you have to print them. But they're free, at least. Jeez, whattaya want for nothin'? A rubber biscuit?
So, now comes the time when everyone here at GO! Tower wish you and your family the most financially brutal Seasonal Retail Atrocity Day possible. To make the ordeal slightly less horrible to trudge through, please take comfort in the fact that it's stupid to buy cutesy tags to stick on all your Pointy Tree Day gifts, when we have tags right here for you that are better in every way than the maudlin crap at the store... except that you have to cut them apart yourself after you print them. Oh yeah, and you have to print them. But they're free, at least. Jeez, whattaya want for nothin'? A rubber biscuit?
11/14/19
2019 Pointy Tree Day Card Get!!!!111oneoneone
Q: "How the hell can I get my Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card?
A: It couldn't be easier! Just send us your addre- Q: "TELL ME HOW!!! NOW NOW NOW!"
A: Hey, shut up and let me finish, spaz. Send us your address. That's it. PhilAreGo@gmail.com
Q: My actual mailing address? How do I know you're not going to stalk me?
A: You don't, but how do I know you're fascinating enough to stalk? Besides, we're all too busy here at Go Plaza to bother with stalking people. Look, if it's really that important to you, email us an outline explaining why your lifestyle is so interesting that we'd want to sit in the bushes and stare in your windows. If you're really that great, we'll try and get someone out to your house to glance in your direction, but no promises. We've got stuff to do, man. Jeez, narcissist much? If you think we have the time to sit in an unmarked van across the street from your house, you are probably grossly overestimating the interestingness of your life, and also the amount of free time we have here at GO! Tower. If you're that paranoid, give us your work address, or the address of someone you know. We don't care.
Q: Free? Yeah, right.
A: That's technically not a question. But yeah. Free. Crazy, huh?
Q: I'm a-scared. Can't you just email it to me?
A: That's lame. No.
Q: How many different Pointy Tree Day Card versions are there?
A: A bunch of different ones.
Q: Can I pick which of the ones I get?
A: Nope. A one will be chosen by our Officer of Randomness and sent to you.
Q: If I collect all the versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card from way long ago, will they be valuable some day?
A: Sure. Why not? Go nuts. All you have to do is live forever to prove it.
Q: Can I get one of each of the ones? I want them all!
A: Don't be greedy.
Q: Free? What's the catch?
A: Alaskan salmon in butter lemon sauce with summer squash and a side salad. Also, there isn't one.
Q: Are these just leftovers from last year's cards? Or the year before?
A: How dare you. And no, they're not. All of the ones feature an image we've posted over the past year.
Q: Why do I want one of your stupid holiday cards?
A: Good question. I dunno. Because they're free and possibly funny?
Q: Will this year's card contain any "post-consumer content"?
A: Eew. No. Sicko.
A: Hopefully. Especially if you make a little puppet out of it and make it tell jokes.*
*Jokes told with a Phil Are GO! Pointy tree Day Card Puppet are the responsibility of the Pointy Tree Day Card recipient and the Pointy Tree Day Card puppeteer. Phil Are GO! denies responsibility for any content recited by the Pointy Tree Day Card Puppet.
11/1/19
Up Your Decor - Holiday redecorating!
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| Your Silent Night will be full of the jealous screams of your guests when you re-vision your house in this super chic Exmess Noir theme! Start with thick, rich black pile carpet, and then compliment it with thick, rich black pile wallpaper! MmmmMMmmm! You and Santa want to just wallow around in your walls! Some kind of dead thing on the floor will warm up your feet those cold winter nights! And lastly, a star-shaped mirror makes your bed the perfect manger where the animals kept their watch or something! |
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| Who doesn't love Early American decor? Not nobody! That's who doesn't! This gorgeous holiday dinner experience starts with vinyl parkay flooring and a majestic colonial dining set that every last one of your relatives will be positively fighting to gather 'round! You know what the early Americans would have wanted? Wallpaper with a nice, gigantic Edwardian pattern! |
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| After dinner, you and your guests will retire to the sitting room to reminisce about the fan-damn-tastic meal you just bought for them in this restful retiring chamber! The floral pattern carpet sets the scene, while the wallpaper in a tastefully restrained "Baroque Brocade Circus Stripe" truly entertains the eye! Compliment the reds and oranges with a green dinette set and your relatives will all want to stay forever and ever! Holiday magic! YOU'RE WELCOME!!!!!! |
8/21/19
12/21/18
12/19/18
Scotch Tape - Holds together Christmas!
Hey everybody! Tape! You know what Christmas? Tape! Everybody must have tape! Tape tape tape! Tape is required! All must tape! Tapetapetapetapetapetape!
This ad from the 12/18/1950 issue of LIFE magazine is here to help you figure out what to do with all that tape your bought for unrelated reasons. Use it to Christmas! First among tape's many uses that you would never figure out on your own is making a "friendship tree"!!! That's right! "What the hell is a friendship tree?" Well, first you start by friendshipfully killing a tree and dragging it into your house. To find out the rest, just tilt your eyeballs downward slightly!
**Service announcement**
This two-page ad has been scanned in two parts, because Google doesn't let you post pictures larger than 1600px in their longest dimension. So, instead of a single image 1600px across, we have posted two pages, each 1600px high. So now, you might have a chance of reading the text in the ad, if that's what you're into. See? Always thinking of YOU! That's our motto or whatever! If you printed these pictures out and are trying to reassemble them in the form of the original ad, here's a hint to solving the jigsaw puzzle. The page with Bing on it goes on the left. You're welcome!
[-Mgmt.]
If you follow Scotch's advice about how to Christmas, you'll use about nine dollars in Scotch tape per gift. Use it as ribbon! Use it instead of wrapping paper! Tape your lights to the tree! Use it to keep your eyes open while assembling a bike at 3am in total silence! Then there's your friendship tree thing, which means taping cards to your Christmas tree! What's in the roast turkey instead of stuffing? Tape, idiot! If the Scotch marketing department had had their way, every American family would simply forgo the gift-giving tradition altogether and just spend their entire annual income on tape and just sit around sticking things together.
Hey. I just thought of this. Why weren't there any tapecentric Christmas carols written by Scotch's marketing department? Missed opportunity, guys. They really dropped the ball and taped it to the floor on that one.
Maybe you feel like listening to an ancient Bing Crosby family Christmas radio show? Okay, here. Have that.
https://youtu.be/Bcp8dyys8Ok
This ad from the 12/18/1950 issue of LIFE magazine is here to help you figure out what to do with all that tape your bought for unrelated reasons. Use it to Christmas! First among tape's many uses that you would never figure out on your own is making a "friendship tree"!!! That's right! "What the hell is a friendship tree?" Well, first you start by friendshipfully killing a tree and dragging it into your house. To find out the rest, just tilt your eyeballs downward slightly!
**Service announcement**
This two-page ad has been scanned in two parts, because Google doesn't let you post pictures larger than 1600px in their longest dimension. So, instead of a single image 1600px across, we have posted two pages, each 1600px high. So now, you might have a chance of reading the text in the ad, if that's what you're into. See? Always thinking of YOU! That's our motto or whatever! If you printed these pictures out and are trying to reassemble them in the form of the original ad, here's a hint to solving the jigsaw puzzle. The page with Bing on it goes on the left. You're welcome!
[-Mgmt.]
If you follow Scotch's advice about how to Christmas, you'll use about nine dollars in Scotch tape per gift. Use it as ribbon! Use it instead of wrapping paper! Tape your lights to the tree! Use it to keep your eyes open while assembling a bike at 3am in total silence! Then there's your friendship tree thing, which means taping cards to your Christmas tree! What's in the roast turkey instead of stuffing? Tape, idiot! If the Scotch marketing department had had their way, every American family would simply forgo the gift-giving tradition altogether and just spend their entire annual income on tape and just sit around sticking things together.
Hey. I just thought of this. Why weren't there any tapecentric Christmas carols written by Scotch's marketing department? Missed opportunity, guys. They really dropped the ball and taped it to the floor on that one.
Maybe you feel like listening to an ancient Bing Crosby family Christmas radio show? Okay, here. Have that.
https://youtu.be/Bcp8dyys8Ok
12/13/18
Up Your Decor - CHRISTMAS TREEEEES!!!!!!!!!
Hey, decorators! It's Christmas time! Do you know what that means? That's right! It means it's Christmas time!!!! Let's get your stupid crap of a house looking ship-shape for a super fab Christmas season! Today! We're helping you with your Christmas tree!
I know you're probably planning on getting a growng-in-the-gound, planty kind of tree, just like always, but you know what? This is 1971! We live in the future! Let's get mod!!!!
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| I know what you're thinking: "Flowers for Christmas decorations? Vorbia, darling, are you an idiot or a genius?" Correct! Do you know why? Because it's always flower season somewhere! Anyway, this golden fake flower Christmas tree was easily made for under a hundred dollars! Just get a hundred dollars, and go grab a large punch bowl, and some aquarium gravel, a broomstick and, well, all the things in the picture. Cram them together so they look like the picture and just like that you're done! Of course, once you've got a Christmas tree like this in your living room, you'll want to instruct all your family to only wrap presents in a way that is color coordinated with your decorating or they'll be thrown away! |
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| Oooooh, so maybe a flower Christmas tree is too conventional for you? I hear you, and I applaud your fashion-forward Christmas sense! In that case, this eye-challenging postmodern design is so up-to-date you'll think you're celebrating Christmas in a dreary Dadaist poem! It's made from coat hangers and nylon mesh and yellow garland and some electric candles. There's only one thing your family will love more than putting gifts underneath this po-mo tree, and that's taking them out from underneath it! |
If you're feeling more playful than profound this season,
then you can easily make this fanciful Christmas tree from
colored duct tape! What? You don't have colored duct tape?
Well, go get some and color it! You'll also want another
ever-useful broom handle to hold the whole thing up. And three gold balls. Then, just watch your family stare at your curly Christmas creation!
You're welcome!!!!
12/3/18
Kaiser Golden Dragon - Give it away, give it away now.
"How come everybody want to keep it like the kaiser? Give it away, give it away, give it away now."
"Here in time for Christmas... America's most exciting new car. 1951 Kaiser Golden Dragon." A constant favorite tactic of car advertisements is the idea of buying someone a car for Christmas. Do people do this? Or, maybe the better question is "Do enough people do this to make it worthwhile for the car companies to keep re-using this old advertising trope?" I dunno. Never made it without biting. Ask Mister Owl.
Anyway. What's a Kaiser Golden Dragon? Never seen one, and never heard of one. So, that's why this one had to go into the post today.
By all accounts, the Kaiser didn't do well.
https://auto.howstuffworks.com/1951-1953-kaiser-dragon4.htm
One thing that Kaiser did really well? Names. Man, if there's a better name for a car than a Kaiser Golden Dragon, I haven't heard it. Badass, man.
And, Kaiser kept it going in the names for their options, too. The Golden Dragon was available with a special type of upholstery called "Dragonleather". Pretty damn cool. Uuuh, it was, however, just embossed vinyl. Cue the sad wah-wah trumpet.
Weirdly, articles that I found described the car as being expensive. The Dragon sold for somewhere around $2500, which comes out to just over 25 kilobucks in today's money. Maybe there's better pricing info somewhere else? Maybe I'm too lazy to go look for it. I already got what I wanted. The coolest car name ever.
"Here in time for Christmas... America's most exciting new car. 1951 Kaiser Golden Dragon." A constant favorite tactic of car advertisements is the idea of buying someone a car for Christmas. Do people do this? Or, maybe the better question is "Do enough people do this to make it worthwhile for the car companies to keep re-using this old advertising trope?" I dunno. Never made it without biting. Ask Mister Owl.
Anyway. What's a Kaiser Golden Dragon? Never seen one, and never heard of one. So, that's why this one had to go into the post today.
By all accounts, the Kaiser didn't do well.
https://auto.howstuffworks.com/1951-1953-kaiser-dragon4.htm
One thing that Kaiser did really well? Names. Man, if there's a better name for a car than a Kaiser Golden Dragon, I haven't heard it. Badass, man.
And, Kaiser kept it going in the names for their options, too. The Golden Dragon was available with a special type of upholstery called "Dragonleather". Pretty damn cool. Uuuh, it was, however, just embossed vinyl. Cue the sad wah-wah trumpet.
Weirdly, articles that I found described the car as being expensive. The Dragon sold for somewhere around $2500, which comes out to just over 25 kilobucks in today's money. Maybe there's better pricing info somewhere else? Maybe I'm too lazy to go look for it. I already got what I wanted. The coolest car name ever.
11/30/18
Esquire Holiday Buying Guide, 1959
Holiday shoppers, I bet you're stuck for an idea what to shop for your friends and family this Pointy Tree Day. Well, don't worry, because the December 1959 issue of Esquire (the journal of the great American douchebag, as you know), can tell you what to shop. Shop these things! Holiday complete!
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Ho-lee shit.
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| This is a toilet. A cup that you dump in. Or possibly just pee. It's got a fur rim. As for how you clean it, or keep from catching dysentery from it when it's been used more than none times, you'll have to ask Lincoln Products. |
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| You're probably one of those guys who's identity and confidence is completely wrapped up in his "Guns", right? You know, like that guy on the chopper show that looks like a walrus? The guy who tears the sleeves off of every garment he owns for fear that someone may not know he's got huge arms? Yeah, we could tell. You know how your bath robe is so confining that you can hardly sip your coffee or throw a table at your son without discomfort? You poor thing. Well, this robe has no sleeves. Also, it's got side vents, so everyone can also tell you've got huge sides, apparently. |
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| There's nothing a lady loves more than a gift that implies that her hands look like a lumberjack's. Buy her this finger dremel tool and you'll get all the rewards you deserve. |
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| Give the gift of music! Or, give the gift of this thing! Let's see... $39.95 in 1959 dollars adjusted for inflation equals, uuh, carry the one, and that comes out to... |
Ho-lee shit.
11/28/18
Imperial Whiskey - Pointy Tree Day Graphic GIfts
It's the Just-after-Thanksgiving season, citizens, and you know what that means! It's time to figure out what the hell your Pointy Tree Day card is going to look like. No, not the one you get from us (which, by the way, you can get completely for free like thisaway). Those are all locked, cocked, and ready to rock, so send us your address for a free Pointy Tree Day Card and nothing else.
So, yeah, you might be looking for something to help design your HannuChristmaKwaanzaDan card. We might can help with that. But first, here's a 1950 ad for Imperial. "What the eff is Imperial?" you're probably screaming at your laptop. "The frikkin' margiarine? That's dumb!", you probably continue shouting at the screen. Well, it's a whiskey, which is something you can figure out by squinting at the label on the bottle in the ad. Apparently, in 1950, their brand was something they felt safe in assuming everyone knew. Well, get with it, Imperial! Nobody's heard of....
https://www.thewhiskyexchange.com/b/40/imperial-single-malt-scotch-whisky
Oh. Wups. Uuh, well, anyway, here's the ad.
The cartoon men in this ad are super cranked about Imperial whiskey. Note that "cranked" could be interchangeable with "from buzzed-to-drunk". Oh, how those festive holiday revelers love to evangelize about Imperial whiskey to their neighbors and stuff. It's like they just found out about drinking, they're so excited. Why no ladies in the ad? Because Imperial was going after the super lucrative "Alternative Lifestyle" market in 1950? Heh, yeah. Nah. It's probably because in 1950, whiskey wasn't marketed to women.What did women drink? I dunno. Nectar, from the first posies of dawn, I guess.
Tell you what, though. If some industrious P.A.G. intern were to pop these guys out of their background and delete the Whiskey (where convenient), you could maybe use these guys for YOUR Pointy Tree Day card, and you could make up whatever narrative you want to explain why these guys are doing their holiday prep work in "guys night out" style.
Hey! Look at that! One of our interns must be bucking for a promotion! These festive chaps are all PNG images on a transparent alpha background, so's you can easily drop them into whatever image you want. You think that was easy? I dunno, maybe it was. Ask the intern.
So maybe you're stuck for an idea what these guys are up to? Fine, we'll help you with that too, your majesty. They're getting together all the presents for their wives. Anything else???? Jeez!
So, yeah, you might be looking for something to help design your HannuChristmaKwaanzaDan card. We might can help with that. But first, here's a 1950 ad for Imperial. "What the eff is Imperial?" you're probably screaming at your laptop. "The frikkin' margiarine? That's dumb!", you probably continue shouting at the screen. Well, it's a whiskey, which is something you can figure out by squinting at the label on the bottle in the ad. Apparently, in 1950, their brand was something they felt safe in assuming everyone knew. Well, get with it, Imperial! Nobody's heard of....
https://www.thewhiskyexchange.com/b/40/imperial-single-malt-scotch-whisky
Oh. Wups. Uuh, well, anyway, here's the ad.
The cartoon men in this ad are super cranked about Imperial whiskey. Note that "cranked" could be interchangeable with "from buzzed-to-drunk". Oh, how those festive holiday revelers love to evangelize about Imperial whiskey to their neighbors and stuff. It's like they just found out about drinking, they're so excited. Why no ladies in the ad? Because Imperial was going after the super lucrative "Alternative Lifestyle" market in 1950? Heh, yeah. Nah. It's probably because in 1950, whiskey wasn't marketed to women.What did women drink? I dunno. Nectar, from the first posies of dawn, I guess.
Tell you what, though. If some industrious P.A.G. intern were to pop these guys out of their background and delete the Whiskey (where convenient), you could maybe use these guys for YOUR Pointy Tree Day card, and you could make up whatever narrative you want to explain why these guys are doing their holiday prep work in "guys night out" style.
Hey! Look at that! One of our interns must be bucking for a promotion! These festive chaps are all PNG images on a transparent alpha background, so's you can easily drop them into whatever image you want. You think that was easy? I dunno, maybe it was. Ask the intern.
So maybe you're stuck for an idea what these guys are up to? Fine, we'll help you with that too, your majesty. They're getting together all the presents for their wives. Anything else???? Jeez!
12/4/17
Pointy Tree Day Gift Tags... again!!!! Easy lazy jerk reposted existing content post .
Everybody loves those mornings when you don't have to scramble to try and think of something funny at six in the goddam a.m., am I right, people? Here are our free Pointy Tree Day gift tags for you to print and put on your gifts and probably explain to your baffled family! Hooray!
PTD gift tag FAQ:
Q: "Are these new ones?"
A: Nope! Sure aren't!
Q: "Aren't these the same ones from a couple of years ago, and probably a few years before that?"
A: Boy, are they! 100% completely recycled post-consumer content!
Q: "Isn't that kind of lazy?"
A: You bet! You're welcome
Q: "Uuh, I didn't thank you."
A: That's okay! You're welcome!
Q: "Are you even listening to me?"
A: Shut up! You're welcome!
PTD gift tag FAQ:
Q: "Are these new ones?"
A: Nope! Sure aren't!
Q: "Aren't these the same ones from a couple of years ago, and probably a few years before that?"
A: Boy, are they! 100% completely recycled post-consumer content!
Q: "Isn't that kind of lazy?"
A: You bet! You're welcome
Q: "Uuh, I didn't thank you."
A: That's okay! You're welcome!
Q: "Are you even listening to me?"
A: Shut up! You're welcome!
11/17/17
5/31/17
TWA StarStream - The lost humanity.
Hey, travelers! Can you remember a time when flying was an exciting, sophisticated adventure unto itself? Probably not! Let us help you understand that air travel wasn't always a dehumanizing humiliation.
In our quest to make plane tickets as cheap and accessible as a bus ticket, we are now treated like prisoners by airlines whose only concern is the bottom line, because their profit margins are razor thin.... Whu? One second....
I'm sorry, I've just been told that airlines' profits have been hitting record levels for a few years now.
http://www.iata.org/pressroom/pr/Pages/2016-12-08-01.aspx
http://money.cnn.com/2016/05/03/news/companies/airline-profits-2015/
http://atwonline.com/airline-financials/a4a-major-us-airlines-post-142-pre-tax-profit-margin-2016
http://newsroom.united.com/2017-01-17-United-Airlines-Reports-Full-Year-and-Fourth-Quarter-2016-Performance
So, it seems that the airlines aren't being forced to treat humans like cattle. They're choosing to because it's easier to get rich that way. Apparently, there's no profit in happy repeat customers who like to fly on your airplanes because they get to retain a shred of their dignity.
Oh well. Try to enjoy this 1962 TWA ad, from a time when some crazy bastard thought that you should treat people like customers like welcome guests, and not annoyances to be barely tolerated. Then, maybe plan your summer holiday somewhere accessible by rail.
In our quest to make plane tickets as cheap and accessible as a bus ticket, we are now treated like prisoners by airlines whose only concern is the bottom line, because their profit margins are razor thin.... Whu? One second....
I'm sorry, I've just been told that airlines' profits have been hitting record levels for a few years now.
http://www.iata.org/pressroom/pr/Pages/2016-12-08-01.aspx
http://money.cnn.com/2016/05/03/news/companies/airline-profits-2015/
http://atwonline.com/airline-financials/a4a-major-us-airlines-post-142-pre-tax-profit-margin-2016
http://newsroom.united.com/2017-01-17-United-Airlines-Reports-Full-Year-and-Fourth-Quarter-2016-Performance
So, it seems that the airlines aren't being forced to treat humans like cattle. They're choosing to because it's easier to get rich that way. Apparently, there's no profit in happy repeat customers who like to fly on your airplanes because they get to retain a shred of their dignity.
Oh well. Try to enjoy this 1962 TWA ad, from a time when some crazy bastard thought that you should treat people like customers like welcome guests, and not annoyances to be barely tolerated. Then, maybe plan your summer holiday somewhere accessible by rail.
11/21/16
Westinghouse Xmas "gifts", plus ornamentation.
It's not even National Fictionalized Display of Gluttony Day yet, and all the Pointy Tree Day hoo-haa is up in the stores, of course. All is normal in America. So why are we jumping on that greedy bandwagon? Well, two things: A) we make not a dime from this damn blorg, and B) we have a Graphic Gift that may be useful for making your own Pointy Tree Day card... if you're into that sort of thing.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
"Merry Pointy Tree Day, honey! Here's some gifts to help with the housework, which I, as a man of 1957, don't do shit to help out with."
Aah, The Fifties. It's the nostalgic "great" version of America that apparently we all chose to make it be again. It was a time when you could give your wife a steam iron for Christmas to help her take care of you (because you married her as a replacement mom), and instead of bashing your teeth out with it, she'd be all giddy and grateful. If she was really good, you might even allow her to leave the house long enough to show the steam iron off to the neighbors. But she'd better hurry back inside to get that turkey going, because you'll be super hungry after all that generosity and stuff you did for her.
It's going to be an interesting four years.
Anyway, Pointy Tree Day is just about a month away, and you might be one of those kinds of person who designs your own Pointy Tree Day card to send out. If you're getting them printed professionally, you'd better get on that. Those decorations at the bottom of the ad are kind of nice. If some hero would only mitigate the problem of the magazine's groin running straight through the middle of it, those decorations could be useful to set aside for Photoshopping up an Exmess card.
Ornaments are reflective, and photographers have to think about this when setting up for a shoot. Let's go in for a closer look at the big red one...
We can see a white studio with two bounce lights pointed at the ceiling. Neat, huh? There's some stuff off to the right that we can't make out, and in the middle, there's a mysterious black rectangle. That's where the camera is. It's also probably where the photographer is. I think that's a black curtain with the lens poking through it. You wouldn't want to see a person in the ornament's reflection, as that would be a little weird. See the white spot in the black rectangle? That's a glint on the camera's lens.
Ornaments like these basic class bulbs and pointy icicle neutron stars are very much of the time. Pointy Tree ornaments have gotten pretty elaborate here in The Future, and simple ones like this remind me of a time, one hundred billion years ago when I was a kid, when Pointy Tree Day was one hundred percent fun and not at all a stressful, expensive P.I.T.A.
Why not pull these ornaments out of the ad and maybe use them for something? This one's going to really give the old pen tool a workout. Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, ASSEMBLE! Pkshowww!
Pen Tool... DEPLOY!
Pen Tool... CREATE BEZIER PATH!
Pen Tool... ADJUST PATH!
Pen Tool... CONTINUE CREATING PATH!
Pen Tool... MORE PATH!
Pen Tool... AGAIN WITH THE PATH CREATING!
Pen Tool... CREATE SELECTION!
Pen Tool... FEATHER SELECTION ONE PIXEL!
Hotkey... CTRL+J TO CREATE LAYER FROM SELECTION!
Pen Tool... MORE OF THAT, BUT ON THE OTHER PART ON THE LEFT!
Move Tool... SCOOTCH LAYERS TOGETHER!
Layers Palette... MERGE LAYERS!
File... SAVE AS!
Wow, nice work, PAGGBPB! Hit the showers!
Basically, we took the bunch of decorations on the right and left, that weren't obscured by the binding, and scootched them together.
They're miscellaneous Pointy Tree Day decorations! They're retro! They're the maximum width allowable by Blogger! They've got a transparent background! They're coming to your town! You're welcome!
But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
"Merry Pointy Tree Day, honey! Here's some gifts to help with the housework, which I, as a man of 1957, don't do shit to help out with."
Aah, The Fifties. It's the nostalgic "great" version of America that apparently we all chose to make it be again. It was a time when you could give your wife a steam iron for Christmas to help her take care of you (because you married her as a replacement mom), and instead of bashing your teeth out with it, she'd be all giddy and grateful. If she was really good, you might even allow her to leave the house long enough to show the steam iron off to the neighbors. But she'd better hurry back inside to get that turkey going, because you'll be super hungry after all that generosity and stuff you did for her.
It's going to be an interesting four years.
Anyway, Pointy Tree Day is just about a month away, and you might be one of those kinds of person who designs your own Pointy Tree Day card to send out. If you're getting them printed professionally, you'd better get on that. Those decorations at the bottom of the ad are kind of nice. If some hero would only mitigate the problem of the magazine's groin running straight through the middle of it, those decorations could be useful to set aside for Photoshopping up an Exmess card.
Ornaments are reflective, and photographers have to think about this when setting up for a shoot. Let's go in for a closer look at the big red one...
We can see a white studio with two bounce lights pointed at the ceiling. Neat, huh? There's some stuff off to the right that we can't make out, and in the middle, there's a mysterious black rectangle. That's where the camera is. It's also probably where the photographer is. I think that's a black curtain with the lens poking through it. You wouldn't want to see a person in the ornament's reflection, as that would be a little weird. See the white spot in the black rectangle? That's a glint on the camera's lens.
Ornaments like these basic class bulbs and pointy icicle neutron stars are very much of the time. Pointy Tree ornaments have gotten pretty elaborate here in The Future, and simple ones like this remind me of a time, one hundred billion years ago when I was a kid, when Pointy Tree Day was one hundred percent fun and not at all a stressful, expensive P.I.T.A.
Why not pull these ornaments out of the ad and maybe use them for something? This one's going to really give the old pen tool a workout. Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, ASSEMBLE! Pkshowww!
Pen Tool... CREATE BEZIER PATH!
Pen Tool... ADJUST PATH!
Pen Tool... CONTINUE CREATING PATH!
Pen Tool... MORE PATH!
Pen Tool... AGAIN WITH THE PATH CREATING!
Pen Tool... CREATE SELECTION!
Pen Tool... FEATHER SELECTION ONE PIXEL!
Hotkey... CTRL+J TO CREATE LAYER FROM SELECTION!
Pen Tool... MORE OF THAT, BUT ON THE OTHER PART ON THE LEFT!
Move Tool... SCOOTCH LAYERS TOGETHER!
Layers Palette... MERGE LAYERS!
File... SAVE AS!
Wow, nice work, PAGGBPB! Hit the showers!
Basically, we took the bunch of decorations on the right and left, that weren't obscured by the binding, and scootched them together.
They're miscellaneous Pointy Tree Day decorations! They're retro! They're the maximum width allowable by Blogger! They've got a transparent background! They're coming to your town! You're welcome!
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| Click for 1600 px as printed, without color enhancement. |
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| Click for 1600 px, with color enhancement. |
11/15/16
Honor Brand Frozen Foods - An comic strip. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Hey, seasonal eaters! Are you looking for a great Thanksgiving comic strip for your Autumnal Localized Harvest Feast? Well, look no firther than this hi-larious ad from Honor brand Frozen Foods, and then look further than this ad from Honor Brand Frozen Foods!
Ah-hahahahahahahaha! get it? The funny part is that the turkey doesn't want his slaughtered corpse to be placed next to an inferior brand of side dish.
This pretty morbid and weird, but we can do one better: The Star-Kist tuna campaign in which Charlie the Tuna yearns for acceptance from the Star-Kist tuna company.
It's an old cmapaign, and for decades, the humor in the ads stemmed from Charlie's misunderstanding that Star-Kist wanted tunas with good taste, as opposed to tunas that taste good. However, somewhere in The Eighties, Star-Kist abandoned this angle, and Charlie seemed to finally understand what the tuna giant was after. This changed his attitude not at all.
One thousand and six years ago, when I worked at a cartoon studio, one of our reliable clients was Star-Kist. We animated a number of those commercials, and at that time, Charlie definitely seemed to have a suicidal fascination with being killed, ground into a sort of paste, packed in a can, and eaten by humans. It was weird.
Sadly, the P.A.G. Research and Googling Squad can find none of our commercials on FaceTube, but this one from 1983 (not animated by us) is a decent example of Charlie's weird obsession.
This commercial doesn't have the long-time tag line "Sorry, Charlie. Star-Kist doesn't want tunas with good taste. Star-Kist wants tunas that taste good." By 1983, someone seems to have straightened Charlie out... not that he seems to care.
Ick. Frikkin' bizarre.
Aaaaanyway, it's not every day you find a thanksgiving Graphic Gift, so we'll take them where we find them. Here's the super funny cartoon from this 1950 ad, minus the caption, in original papery form and a cleaned-up line art versions. Maybe you can use it to make your Thanksgiving invitations moreadorable disturbing? You may stand a better chance of having lots of leftovers all to yourself. Diabolically clever, I must say.
You're welcome!
This pretty morbid and weird, but we can do one better: The Star-Kist tuna campaign in which Charlie the Tuna yearns for acceptance from the Star-Kist tuna company.
It's an old cmapaign, and for decades, the humor in the ads stemmed from Charlie's misunderstanding that Star-Kist wanted tunas with good taste, as opposed to tunas that taste good. However, somewhere in The Eighties, Star-Kist abandoned this angle, and Charlie seemed to finally understand what the tuna giant was after. This changed his attitude not at all.
One thousand and six years ago, when I worked at a cartoon studio, one of our reliable clients was Star-Kist. We animated a number of those commercials, and at that time, Charlie definitely seemed to have a suicidal fascination with being killed, ground into a sort of paste, packed in a can, and eaten by humans. It was weird.
Sadly, the P.A.G. Research and Googling Squad can find none of our commercials on FaceTube, but this one from 1983 (not animated by us) is a decent example of Charlie's weird obsession.
This commercial doesn't have the long-time tag line "Sorry, Charlie. Star-Kist doesn't want tunas with good taste. Star-Kist wants tunas that taste good." By 1983, someone seems to have straightened Charlie out... not that he seems to care.
Ick. Frikkin' bizarre.
Aaaaanyway, it's not every day you find a thanksgiving Graphic Gift, so we'll take them where we find them. Here's the super funny cartoon from this 1950 ad, minus the caption, in original papery form and a cleaned-up line art versions. Maybe you can use it to make your Thanksgiving invitations more
You're welcome!
11/9/16
2016 Pointy Tree Day Card Get!
You know how every year Exmess is a bigger and more expensive pain in the butt? Yeah, tell me about it. This year, make it a bigger and more expensive pain in the butt, but also have our free Pointy Tree Day card!
They're free, but we do need a mail box to send it to. Just email an address to PhilAreGo@gmail.com. Yeah, I know. You've got trust issues, and you're not too sure about giving us your (or anyone's) address. Take those trust issues and hand them to our Pointy tree Day Card F.A.Q.! Then tell those issues to stick it where the sun don't shine!
Phil Are GO! Pointy tree Day Card F.A.Q. (Fervently Aggravated Query).
Q: "How the hell can I get my copy of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card?
A: It couldn't be easier! Just send us your addre- Q: "TELL ME HOW!!! NOW NOW NOW!"
A: Hey, shut up and let me finish, spaz. Send us your address. That's it. PhilAreGo@gmail.com
Q: No way am I sending you my address! You'll stalk me!
A: If you think we have the time to sit in an unmarked van across the street from your house, you are probably grossly overestimating the interestingness of your life, and also the amount of free time we have here at GO! Tower. If you're that paranoid, give us your work address, or the address of someone you know. We don't care.
Q: Do you have any of the older versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day card lying around? Can I get a couple of those?
A: Yeah, we have some of those. We'll send an envelope with a few different cards in it while supplies last or until we don't feel like it any more. Gotta ask nicely, though!
Q: If I collect all the versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card from way long ago, will they be valuable some day?
A: Sure. Why not? Go nuts. All you have to do is live forever to prove it.
Q: Will the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card always be a cigarette ad? No really, what's your problem?
A. Nope. We seem to have used those up. If we find another couple or few, we'll be sure to put them in the "maybe" pile for next year. Also, shut up.
Q: Why do I want one of your stupid holiday cards?
A: Good question. I dunno. Because they're free and possibly funny?
Q: Why no jokey post today? Just this card announcement?
A: We're busy making sure tomorrow's post is a real horn-honker. (Note to self: Remind interns to make tomorrow's post a real horn-honker. Better call in to the office from the frisbee golf course to check on their progress. Have the Motivation and Shame Supervisor crack the whip a little on the interns.)
Q: Is the card going to be funny?
A: Hopefully. Especially if you make a little puppet out of it and make it tell jokes.*
Q: Can I get more than one card?
A: Maybe? Can't hurt to ask. It can hurt to ask for a stack of 100.
Q: Can I send Phil Are GO! a card?
A: Why? We'll have loads of them, since we'll be getting them printed up.
Q: Will this year's card contain any "post-consumer content"?
A: Eew. No. Sicko.
A: Oh! You mean recycled paper? Hell no. That cheap grey paper we used to practice handwriting on in third grade was made from recycled paper, and it was terrible for writing on and erasing on. Recycled paper makes terrible paper. No wonder people just keep recycling it.
*Jokes told with a Phil Are GO! Pointy tree Day Card Puppet are the responsibility of the Pointy Tree Day Card recipient and the Pointy Tree Day Card puppeteer. Phil Are GO! denies responsibility for any content recited by the Pointy Tree Day Card Puppet.
They're free, but we do need a mail box to send it to. Just email an address to PhilAreGo@gmail.com. Yeah, I know. You've got trust issues, and you're not too sure about giving us your (or anyone's) address. Take those trust issues and hand them to our Pointy tree Day Card F.A.Q.! Then tell those issues to stick it where the sun don't shine!
Phil Are GO! Pointy tree Day Card F.A.Q. (Fervently Aggravated Query).
Q: "How the hell can I get my copy of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card?
A: It couldn't be easier! Just send us your addre- Q: "TELL ME HOW!!! NOW NOW NOW!"
A: Hey, shut up and let me finish, spaz. Send us your address. That's it. PhilAreGo@gmail.com
Q: No way am I sending you my address! You'll stalk me!
A: If you think we have the time to sit in an unmarked van across the street from your house, you are probably grossly overestimating the interestingness of your life, and also the amount of free time we have here at GO! Tower. If you're that paranoid, give us your work address, or the address of someone you know. We don't care.
Q: Do you have any of the older versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day card lying around? Can I get a couple of those?
A: Yeah, we have some of those. We'll send an envelope with a few different cards in it while supplies last or until we don't feel like it any more. Gotta ask nicely, though!
Q: If I collect all the versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card from way long ago, will they be valuable some day?
A: Sure. Why not? Go nuts. All you have to do is live forever to prove it.
Q: Will the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card always be a cigarette ad? No really, what's your problem?
A. Nope. We seem to have used those up. If we find another couple or few, we'll be sure to put them in the "maybe" pile for next year. Also, shut up.
Q: Why do I want one of your stupid holiday cards?
A: Good question. I dunno. Because they're free and possibly funny?
Q: Why no jokey post today? Just this card announcement?
A: We're busy making sure tomorrow's post is a real horn-honker. (Note to self: Remind interns to make tomorrow's post a real horn-honker. Better call in to the office from the frisbee golf course to check on their progress. Have the Motivation and Shame Supervisor crack the whip a little on the interns.)
Q: Is the card going to be funny?
A: Hopefully. Especially if you make a little puppet out of it and make it tell jokes.*
Q: Can I get more than one card?
A: Maybe? Can't hurt to ask. It can hurt to ask for a stack of 100.
Q: Can I send Phil Are GO! a card?
A: Why? We'll have loads of them, since we'll be getting them printed up.
Q: Will this year's card contain any "post-consumer content"?
A: Eew. No. Sicko.
A: Oh! You mean recycled paper? Hell no. That cheap grey paper we used to practice handwriting on in third grade was made from recycled paper, and it was terrible for writing on and erasing on. Recycled paper makes terrible paper. No wonder people just keep recycling it.
10/31/16
Little Ads, Esquire 1969 - Get creeped.
It's Halloween, creatures! You know how you think that nothing scares you more than this particular election cycle? Slightly incorrect! Observe these little ads from the back pages of the March, 1969 issue of Esquire Magazine. The following program may not be appropriate for younger or more sensitive viewers!
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| At the very least, we can hope that's a bullet hole in the chest of the man wearing the nylon-tricot jumper with the fitted hip-hugger boxer underbriefs, but it's probably just a printing inclusion. |
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| What's so creepy about the TENSOLATOR? Not much, apart from the fact that it's almost definitely just a springy thingy that doesn't do anything that pushups and situps can't do for you. But, you will be the creep of the crypt when you use Fitness Boy's face as your profile pic. You're welcome! P.S. Who wears a combover at the age of 25? |
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| Click for 1000 px jpeg. |
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| You can probably think of two or three people who can get away with wearing rubber clothes. However, this photo was taken in 1969, and that's probably someone's grandmother in that picture. She kinda looks like she may have already been one when this photo was taken. Booooooo!!!! Also, "REAL RUBBER CLOTHING!, not cheap fake rubber! Boooo! Also also, "SENSIBLE PRICES" on rubber clothing! BooooooooOOOOO!!! |
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