Blitz Burner - Burning your trash the modern way.

Okay. In 1955, Climate Change / Global Warming were not really things that science was worried about... or even had names for. People commonly burned garbage in their yards. As far as anyone knew, the soot and smoke simply went up into the sky and just kept on going, up into space. There was no way that human activity could possibly have a cumulative effect on the entire planet, so far as anybody knew.

Leaving environmental responsibility aside, there are still some eyebrow-raising things about this ad for the Blitz Burner.

Back in '55, your average backyard incinerator was a concrete affair with a rusty wrought-iron grating somewhere on it to let the smoke out, and keep woodland varmints from getting in or something. I don't think anybody ever had the notion to use the thing as a grill.

Sure, the possibility was obvious. A thing with fire in it and a metal rack on top, at pretty much perfect grilling height, no less. Who wouldn't have thought of using it to cook food? Anyone who came within a few yards of it, that's who. Burning trash stinks, and the smell of it, and the general effluvium, tended to marry itself eternally to the very structure of whatever it was burned in.

People burned pretty much any kind of household garbage that was even vaguely flammable in their backyard incinerators. Old rotten food, and especially unpleasant diapers that were irretrievably filthy. Anything that was awful enough that you wanted to kill with fire went into the family incinerator. That was the point.

But the clever folks at Montamower Distributing Co. weren't squeamish about using the same thing you burn garbage in to cook food. Let's assume that you wouldn't be using a trash fire to cook burgers. Montamower probably intended its customers to toss in a few mesquite logs or something. Still... wow.

There's a reason this idea never caught on. But maybe, in the Blitz Burner's defense, since the unit was all metal, you could concievably hose it out, fresh and clean, every time you used it, making it hunky-dory for cooking food with. ...Mmmmmaybe.

Still, no way.

And then there's the name. In 1955, World War 2 was just ten years into memory. America was enjoying a booming economy and the invention of the suburbs was making it possible for loads of (usually white) people to enjoy a little bit of the American Dream.

In London, however, they were still smarting from having most of their city bombed into gravel after a little thing called "the Blitz", courtesy of the Third Reich. So, to name your new product the Blitz Burner has all the tact of marketing... say.... a bug spray, calling it "The 9/11 of hornets". It's kind of hard to imagine that nobody asked the boss if they was sure about that idea.

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Faces of the Month, March 1935 - Three profile pictures.

Have you misplaced your March, 1935 copy of Fortune magazine? Well, first off, shame on you. Second, you're in luck, because we've got ours! And, here are three profile pictures for your InstaFace account, in case you don't like InstaFace detecting your face and calling you out in all those police blotter photos. "(Your name here) is with local gas station robbery!"

Yep, that's real interesting stuff. Lady under a fish, old guy looking stiff, and a racing driver who looks like a less chipper version of Mr. Slugworth, from the 1971 Willy Wonka movie.

Anyway, you're probably simply vibrating in your chair, waiting for your new avatar / profile picture. Okay, simmer down. Here they are, and you're welcome!

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The Guys Preferred Profile Pants

Fashion shoot. A model pretending to be a cartoon hobo.

In 1970, The Guys made pants, it seems. Stripey ones. Someone else made belts with giant holes in them, just to make sure they stretched quickly and looked stupid immediately.

Sorry, English readers, you must be confused. See, in America, "pants" is interchangeable with "trousers". Only in The Empire does "pants" mean "underpants".

Also sorry, readers here in The Future, you must be confused. See, in 1970, "a haircut" meant one poof over each ear and a third poof on top of your head. Only in The Seventies was this "groovy".

So, how to sell your pants as travel companions? Prop up your model against a tree in front of the art director's house as if he's clearly not resting from a long week riding in a box car. Then, hand him a bindle (that polka-dot bag on a stick that all cartoon hobos carry) and that lesser-known hobo prop, a cigar butt on a toothpick. Presumably, the idea is that a penniless tramp could smoke the cigar all the way down to nothing if he didn't have to hold it in his fingers.

The Bindle, from a design standpoint, is a flawed bit of engineering. Is there anything you can carry in a tied-up hanky that is more easily carried when suspended from a stick? It still takes one hand to lug around that way. Does it somehow require less effort to hang on to one end of a cantilevered stick over your shoulder, as opposed to just hooking two fingers through the hanky-sack and just letting it hang at the end of your arm? Sheesh. You've really let me down, The Tramp Community. I've come to expect better design solutions from unemployable drifters. This must be why so few engineering firms employ hobos.

Anyway, if, for some reason, you're a user of some kind of social networking service and you're tired of using the Windows 95 logo as your profile picture, we've got you covered. It's the poofy-headed groovy hobo from this ad. He's 1000 x 1000 pixels, so he's ready to represent your face when your real face just won't do. If that's what you're into. You're welcome, I guess.

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Absorbine Jr - What is the meaning of this?

Okay, Advertising, you got some 'splaining to do. Double-you tee eff is the point of the picture in this ad?

Is the wooden figure in the ad supposed to portray, as a literal interpretation, the feeling that your skin is all dry and cracked, like wood? If so, then why is he cradling the only part of his wooden body that is not represented as being made of wood.... the afflicted foot in need of relief? Nowhere in the ad copy can there be found any reason for there to be an artist's mannequin used as the athlete foot sufferer's body. There's no pun, spoonerism, visual metaphor, joke, or cheeky play on words explaining why this guy is portrayed as a wooden figure.

Okay, this is where I start to get the feeling that I've spent more time thinking about it than the advertiser ever intended, and possibly more time than the advertiser ever spent thinking about it.

Moving on......

Are you tired of people coming to you for answers? Tired of looking like a source of wisdom? Grab the guy's head from the Absorbine Jr ad and use it as your profile picture on Popular Social Network Of Choice or Office Chat System, and just watch people avoid you! They'll feel safe in assuming you're a doofus who absolutely does not have the answers! You're welcome! Get your rude finger ready to right click this dork onto your HDD in three, two, one, RIGHTCLICKNOW!!!!!

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LaSalle Extension University - Get schooled on your profile picture.

Poor guy. He's from 1959 and doesn't understand that his profile picture on Outlook makes him look dopey and confused. Maybe that's why his paycheck doesn't grow.

Now, you, on the other hand. You understand that a funny Outlook profile picture can be great for laughs. How bout this confused-looking square, for example? You're no stuffed shirt who can't poke fun at yourself. You've got management written all over you. You're welcome!

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Vitalis - Devo hair and coffee.

Guess what, hair fans? The Pendulum of Hair has re-re-re-swung, and now the haircut your grandpa had is now back in style.... at least among those young enough to think they invented it.

Guys like the square in this Vitalis ad? Well, their patience has paid off, and now your dad's dad is cool again.

Special paragraph for trendy twentysomethings:

Congratulations on bravely inventing the shiny parted-on-the-side hair helmet. We never would have thought of that without you around! Please keep inventing outrageous new styles so we can all learn from you! Here's another participation trophy and a juice box!

Resuming normal communication:

Back in The Eighties, there was a punk band - yes, a PUNK band, not a new wave band - called Devo who satirically wore plastic hair exactly like the guy in this Vitalis ad. It was, like everything they did, a mockery of the blandness and sameyness of their parents' generation. It's kinda funny that that's now cool. Does satire stop working when the subject of your satire returns to popularity? I don't know. I never made it without biting. One. Two Thuh-ree...

There's some nice, harvestable clip arts in this ad. Two coffee people and a guy smearing Vitalis onto his head. It'd sure be nice to have them on a transparent background, wouldn't it? Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, ASSEMBLE!

That'll do nicely. You can use your rude finger to right-click-save these persons onto your hard drive for a rainy day. What kind of rainy day? Well, maybe the kind of rainy day when someone 'round your workplace needs to be gently reminded that they live in a civilized society with certain understood rules that are part of the accepted social contract, like perhaps taking twenty seconds to make a new pot of coffee after grabbing the last cup? That's not too much to ask, is it? Some would say it is, but those people are sociopaths, and their opinions are suspect. Here's a serving suggestion, but if you get in trouble for using it, I don't know you...

Sta Safe Eye Mask - An clip art and gaff?

Good news, too-much-sex-havers! Your days of sexual peril are at an end, thanks to the Sta Safe Eye Mask! With the Sta Safe strapped to your face, you will stay safe from any and all sexual contact.

"Safe", that is, unless your're somehow into sexual welding, in which case you will completely not be protected from having a puddle of molten Sta Safe bonded to your head. Lastly, if you can only get turned on by third degree burns and searing hot face plastic, you're in luck. Sta Safe has you covered.

"Built to stand the gaff of hard service,..." Hmm. "Gaff"? This is a new use of that word. Did the tradesmen of 1946 use "gaff" as part of their eye-melting jargon? Let's see what the laziest of dictionary searches can turn up.

Definition of gaff
a :  a spear or spearhead for taking fish or turtlesb :  a handled hook for holding or lifting heavy fishc :  a metal spur for a gamecockd :  a butcher's hooke :  a climbing iron or its steel point used by a telephone lineman
:  the spar on which the head of a fore-and-aft sail is extended:  gaffe

Nope. Unless the copy writer for Sta Safe just forgot to add the "e", which would mean "a mistake or fumble", the mystery goes on. Just for the sake of curiosity, let's assume it was spelled right, and it is meant to be "gaff", as printed.

What does my copy of Partrige's Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English have to say about "gaff"? Completely ordinary bookshelf - DEPLOY!

Let's see...

So, "gaff" either means "a criminal affair or enterprise", or "a dwelling-place".

I think the guys at Standard Safety Equipment Company just forgot the "e". So, the ad seems to intend that the goggles are tough enough to stand the "gaffe of hard service" (meaning mistakes and abuse). That's a bit anticlimactic. I was hoping to unearth a bit of arcane terminology, but instead we got ordinary sloppy grammar from goggle-makers, just like always. Dammit, goggle producers of the world! When will you tighten up the screws on your verbiage?!?

You'd think a nerd with glasses like that would be a better speller, wouldn't you? Well, GOOD NEWS, poorly-spelling nerds! We've got your new profile picture here! Use it on all your InstaFace accounts! You're welcome!

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Now how much would you pay? Well, shut up, because here's another Graphic Gift! See those tiny serving suggestions down the right side of the ad? Well, one of them obviously shows a person being comedically crushed under a car! Ha ha ha! You need that as a nice clean clip art, right? Yep!

It kinda makes you want to open up a car repair service and use this image in your logo, just so you can see all the customers totally fail to stampede to your garage, doesn't it? "Your car's not fixed until one of our technicians dies." You're extra welcome!

Old Gold - Just make it stop.

Dad used to relax with a cigarette. In fact, he probably relaxed maybe twenty-five times per day. What this Old Gold ad is ignoring is how un-relaxing his relaxation may be for anyone else in the house who doesn't enjoy the smell.

When dad would light up (which was more often than the times in which he wasn't lighting up), I'd shut my bedroom door and stuff a t-shirt in the gap underneath it, in a pathetic and futile attempt to keep the stink out of my room. The sitnk seemed even more intense on a bright saturday morning when it was the first sensation to wake me up, instead of, say, the smell of eggs and toast. Good times.

So, in this ad, the boy is practicing his violin in the family room? Couldn't he go practice in his bedroom? Or, maybe he's putting on a little recital for his dad? Or, maybe this family lives in a single-room yurt? That was big among LIFE's readership in 1945, right? Lots of middle-American yurtdwellers? Too many unanswered questions, man.

Anyway, you may, in the last few days, just want this shit to stop. Changing the profile pic on your FaceTube account isn't going to make that happen, but sometimes nothing will. Not in the near term, at least. But it may give your friends a laugh, though.

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Maybe you identify with the boy, whose early attempts at music went unappreciated by your parents? Hey, at least they rented him the violin, right? That's not nothing.

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And there's mom, too. She doesn't have a strong role in this little tableau, probably because this is 1945. (Well, the ad is from 1945. This is not currently the year 1945. We still live in The Future, but this shit is just getting started, so you never know.) But whatever. Here's the tolerant and dutiful mom and wife who, for some reason, loves both of these narcissistic jerks.

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Have a smoke. Do whatever gets you through the night. It's alright. It's alright.

Life Magazine, Sept 4, 1950 - A couple of avatars.

Aren't you tired your face? Sure! We all do! Fix your virtual identity with these stupid avatars and / or profile pictures from the Sept 4th, 1950 issue of LIFE Magazine!

First, there's this Vitalis ad, featuring a Handsome White Man so wooden and generic, he could be a Gerry Anderson puppet. Now that's F.A.B.!

Then there's the female appreciant, without whom we wouldn't understand how indescribably desirable is a man with well-varnished hair. She's super into whatever you place next to her, once we pop her out of her natural context. Now, she's completely promiscuous with her positivity! Just how we like 'em.

Her spank bank's just been filled.

Next up, we have a promotional shot of Marie Wilson as Lady Teazle, from (apparently) some kind of play called The School for Scandal. Here, she's looking a lot like Shelley Duvall as Panzy from Time Bandits, which is a piece of culture that I did not have to look up using Google.

See? "Oh, Panzy! The problem! The problem!!!"

Last, we have a group of random Russian people from a cold-war-era profile on patriotism in the Soviet Union. The article seems to be an unbiased and even-handed exploration of Russian pride, but the people they chose to use as examples of "everyday Russians" seem a wee bit propagandist, if you get my meaning.

Anyway, the babushka lady looks like she knows her way around a potato pancake, and she can whip some up while sitting on top of your online profile, why not?

The shepherd guy was way ahead of the curve. Cowboy Bebop wouldn't exist for another 48 years, but he's rocking the Spike Spiegel hair like he invented it. That's some good cosplay, Russia!

Absorbine Jr. - Show everyone your "ow" face.

Are you in pain? Sure! We all do! That's why Absorbine Jr.!

"Pressure Pain"? So what's that? Swelling? Who knows what W. F. Young (a very weird company name) was trying to theorize was causing your particular pain. In 1953, our understanding of science was somewhat less it is today.

Strangely, if you do some kind of search to find out what to do about your muscle pain, the answers tend to be ice, heat, or some combination of both. Ice tends to decrease inflammation, and heat will increase blood flow, and nothing heals without a decent migration of good old A Positive through the area (Your mileage may vary. Other blood types may exist.)

General wisdom about which one to apply is as simple as "If it's swollen and stuff, apply ice. After that's taken care of, use heat to maybe speed up healing."

Absorbine Jr. didn't like the idea of people treating their body aches for free, so that's their raison d'etre. "Get a hobby, Absorbine Jr." is what I say.

Anyway, you need everyone who looks at your FaceTube page to know how you suffer, right? Right. Please enjoy the guy's "ow" face from this Absorbine Jr. ad. However, viewed without the context of the ad, this guy could also be feeling confused or grumpy or something. That's not a bad attitude to address the internet with, either.

For whatever reason, your grumpy confused suffering man face profile picture is here. You're welcome!

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Okay, fine. If you want to go around the web looking all happy about things, you can also use this happy version, if that's what you're into. You're still sort of welcome... weirdo.

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Lucky Strike Half & Half Tobacco - Your bastard avatar is here.

In a slight breach of procedure, we posted the Old Bastard Whiskey ad from yesterday without also offering a nice thousand-pixel avatar of Old Bastard himself. He'd look pretty good as your profile picture or whatever on your forum, chat service, or social media thing or whatever, right?

He came from this Lucky Strike ad from a 1936 issue of Popular Science. He's way bigger than when we shrunk him down to be the figurehead of Old Bastard Whiskey - plenty of resolution to get a good image. That was nice of him. What a nice bastard he is!

The ad copy reads like they just invented language. No idioms at all. "Cool as the summons 'The boss wants to see you.'" "Your password to pleasure!" It sounds awkward on the one hand, but on the other hand, why embrace cliche and worn-out phraseology? "People who love to say "think outside the box", I'm looking at YOU.

Check out the cool telescoping tin that the tobacco came in! Apparently, it was a chore reaching deep into an emptying tin to get out the last of the tobacco, so they made a can that shrinks as you go. Weird. It looks like it had rolled edges. What's with the "no bite" thing? Ah well. Who knows.

A neat custom can like that would be judged "cost prohibitive" by today's don't-give-a-crap-but-pretend-we-give-a-crap standards. A little common sense would be a great thing to see in package design today.

For example, "easy tear" lunch meat packages whose rip cord completely fails to actually open the bag.

For another example, they should abandon the design of any mayonnaise -type jar that's just tall enough to totally smear the handle of a butter knife as you try to retrieve the last of the mayo from the bottom. That plinkety-plinkety sound is the harbinger of messy fingers.

Anyway, you want your bastard avatar. Hold your horses. Here he is. Thousand by a thousand. Nobody's account settings should find an excuse to choke on a 1k x1k jpeg like this. He sure looks like he's just foreclosed on an orphanage, doesn't he? What a great bastard. You're welcome!

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Midol - Which are you?

Good morning, citizens. It's morning, here in Earth, but we are here to help. Maybe you think everything's fine? Gosh, that's too bad. Think for a second about nearly anything.

Okay, how about now? There we go! Now we're here to help! Let's get helped!
But first, an old ad. Crazy, huh?

Midol! Yeah, baby! No one is sure what this stuff is for. I even asked Mister Owl. That guy is useless for nearly everything except candy-related mysteries.

The ad copy mentions feeling all of these things...

-Dismalness (Who doesn't?)

-Periodic pain (Pain comes and goes, I guess, right?)

-Some kind of distress ("Menstrual?" Sounds like men cause some kind of problem. Sorry about that!)

-Cramping (Maybe you went swimming right after eating?)

-Headache (Oh, I get these, for sure!)

-Backache (Careful putting up those Christmas lights!)

-Jumpy nerves (Isn't that what nerves are for?)

-Bluesyness (Sometimes I wish I could pull off "the blues", but nope.)

So, whatever this "Midol" stuff does, it sounds like it's really good. It seems to fix everything. I kind of want to try some.

Anyway, whatever's bugging you, we're here to fix that with one of these two avatars. One looks really bluesy and the other one is the exact same Peggy looking like everything's fine! If you're bummed about whatever, the bummed version of Peggy will sympathize with you. If everything's great, the "bright" version of Peggy will help to keep you nice and deluded.

You can use these avatars as your profile picture on some kind of FaceTube or chat system or Netscape Webcrawler thing.

Thanks, Peg! We're all welcome!

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