Brainsplatter Mountain

Calvert Reserve dog endorsement.

Good morning, citizens! You know how Americans will buy any product if a famous person is paid to stand next to the product in a photograph, withe the consumers believing they will be as beautiful and famous as the celebrity if only they buy the makeup/car/shoes? Yep, the same goes for dogs. In this case, Basil Rathbone's dog.

No, not that way. Dog's don't care about celebrity endorsements. That would be stupid. No no, I mean that humans will buy a product if a famous person's dog sits next to it, of course.

No, the dog's name is not Basil Dogbone, like you'd hope. It's Moritza, like you'd be very bored to find out.

This ad was in the November, 1948 issue of American Legion Magazine, which means that not only is Basil Rathbone dead by now (1967, heart attack), but Moritza is almost as assuredly dead by now as well... probably of liver disease. I hear she was a surly drunk, taking a swing at anyone who walked between her and her Calvert.

It's frikkin cold out, people (-4 in Chicago). Have a drink with your dog.

Vaseline Hair Tonic - Dandruff shaming.

Hey, well-groomed citizens! If there's one thing worse for the consumer than waxy yellow buildup, it's a dry, flaky scalp! Do YOU know the state of YOUR scalp? Vaseline does, and the state of your scalp is not having enough Vaseilne gooped onto it! They don't even need to check.

This ad comes to us from the 1948 issue of the American Legion Magazine. Back then, advertisers weren't shy about scaring readers that they would lead a life of barren virginity unless they had a nice, shiny helmet of Devo hair that basically looked like a plastic hat. See for yourself!

Of course, Devo was using the plastic hair as a satire of 1950s conformity, brought to you by, among others, the good folks at Vaseline!

In all fairness, dandruff is still a turn off for anyone not living under a bridge. You know who I mean. That one guy who looks like Aqualung? What's his name? Chuck Bridge? I dunno. I know him when I see him. He always knocks over my trash cans, looking for nearly-empty bottles from Vaseline hair tonic. Beat it, Chuck! This is a Vitalis house, and don't you forget it! Scram!






Anyway, the guy in this ad is pretty boring, and not just because of the dandruff. The girl, however, could be used for a bunch of stuff. Let's have a bored intern pop her out of the background and drop her on a nice, transparent field of alpha channel. Randomly Chosen Intern, warm up your pen tool. You're going in! Readers, get your rude finger ready to right-click this lady onto your hard drive in three, two, one... Phil Are GO Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, Deploy!!!!

Click it to big it, baby.

There she is. Lookin' good, toots. Tell you what, though. She'd also be useful with her thought balloon in place. Get on that shit, PAGGBPSB!

This thing ain't gonna click itself bigger, man.

Right on. Either version of her could be used to politely nag people about most anything, with some light Photoshopping, or just print her out and write her thoughts in with a pen. Here's a serving suggestion:

See? It's just that easy. You could have hours of fun nagging people with Vaseline Vicky... and possibly the prostate, if that's what you're into. If you are, I don't wanna hear about it.

You're welcome!

So Darned Hungry

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Murdered for Life

Country Starin'

Little Ads - Purely Prurient Again

In 1948, all men were animated by Tex Avery. See below.

Not very prurient, and barely even lascivious, but the barber kind of looks like he's got more on his mind than barbering. He's got kind of a John Waters thing going on. Clip art provided below.

Apparently, in 1948, women responded positively to random sexual intimidation. "Attract more attention than by driving a yellow Cadillac." A bold claim, sir.

Clip art of Low Self-Esteem Suzie below, performing the simultaneous actions of listening and stopping, in one not-at-all awkward drawing. She's ready to perform any sexual act with the owner of the most obnoxious car horn she can find... and possibly the car itself. You're welcome.

Little Ads - Products you can't live without. ...So, why are you living?

For Sample Film and "Special List" send only 10¢ to... Waggly Eyebrows Studios, 1071 El Centro, Hollywood, 38, CAL.

Pakette Radio Co. may not have found their calling in "radio inventing", but they should be placed in charge of naming every product in the world. "Drivey-Movey", "Eato-Foodo", "Stabby-Sharp-Sharp", "Walkie-Footwarm", etc.

Heat can make your body pieces feel good. This is not interesting. The clip art, however, must be shared by all. Please enjoy. You're welcome!

Beach Blanket Bingo with Gina and Bryce.

Joke #1 - "Okay, you're doing really well. Now push again, once more. Thaaaat's it. Good girl."

Joke #2 - "You know, on that day so long ago when I got my arm caught in that thresher, I thought my life was over. Even when the said they could help me with surgery, I was still despondent. But how could I know I'd have such a beautiful, intelligent, charming woman grafted onto my shoulder in it's place? What I'm trying to say is, I love you, New Arm."

Joke #3 - "Yes, I think I can see it, just barely. Honestly, I'm getting tired of you always wrecking our romantic beach getaways by sticking a hermit crab up your nose. There are some voids that my love just can't fill, and I wish you'd just accept it."

Joke #4 - "Yes, I know, Gina. I keep telling you, it's the cold water."

Joke #5 - "Okay, now cough, darling."

Joke #6 - "Waaah! It's cold out here! Waah! I'm a boy! Hey! Are you my mom?"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

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DuPont Plastics - Brushing both sides of your brain.

It's easy to forget that Nylon is a trademarked name owned by the DuPont corporation, but it is. It's also weird to imagine that, before there was Nylon, toothbrushes were made with natural bristle, which means "pig hair". Bleah.

In this ad, DuPont would like you to believe that the very best paint brushes are nylon, but that's not necessarily true. Nylon brushes are more durable than natural hair, because the fibers don't have tiny pores in them, which trap paint, making them harder to get really clean. Plus, nylon tolerates the caustic chemicals used to clean out oil-based paints better than natural brushes do. But for the smoothest brush stroke, and sheer softness, you can't beat a real bristle brush, like sable. They're just harder to take care of.

Anyhoo, I never had a toothbrush made from natural bristle. I'm sure if I grew up with one, I would think nothing of it. But, since the stuff I clean my teeth with has always been a space-age polymer, I can say that rubbing pig hairs all over my teeth sounds weird. Just like someone in the future will think that meat not grown in a lab, that used to be a living animal, sounds freaky as hell. Of course, there are people all over the place now that think all meat is grody, but you know what I mean.

Did DuPont expect us to each have two hair brushes, one for the left and one for the right? Couldn't you just flip the brush over and have it fit your other hand? of course, from a marketing standpoint, there could be nothing better than making everyone buy two of something they only need one of. And when you're DuPont, the idea of every American running out to buy two hairbrushes must have made their accountants' pants tight.

Dream on, guys. Nobody's in that big a hurry to brush their hair, even if they had the dexterity to do a passable job with both hands simultaneously.

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Little Ads - Products you cannot live without. Therefore, you are dead. I'm sorry for your loss (of you).

In case you were ever given to wonder what a truss looks like, it's a decorative frame for your wiener. Higher-end models would sometimes feature text on the strap, to remind observers that one's wiener is rather unique... wherever it's got to.

It's quite possible that, if you need a baby calculator, you probably have too many babies.

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Not to be confused with similar product "COMA-TRIM", for losing weight while you lie in a semi-vegetative state.

NOTE: Blade sharpener cannot be operated with your junk. DO NOT ATTEMPT.

The softened cylinder.

Joke #1 - Upon later reflection, Unit 24738B would agree with the engineers that, yes, it did feel better now, and in the future, it would be more careful about how much it ate late at night.

Joke #2 - "...Heeeeyyyy, mallowrena!"

Joke #3 - What should they do about the drastic supply under-runs in the hydroponics labs? When the atomic winds came, it meant the magnetosphere would flip its polarity, and there wouldn't be another supply ship for twenty-six orbital units, because of all the radiative interference in their time envelope. There was only one thing to try: consult the Guardian of the Great Softened Cylinder.

Joke #4 - "Uuh, we may want to take this a little slower. It doesn't look like the machine is into it."

Joke #5 - Frome and Hemmit held their breath. Slowly, a line segment descended from the aperture, probing the offering. Soon they would know if their gift was accepted, and if they would have a good Birthing Season. Frome could feel his ovary tremble with excitement.

Joke #6 - Congressional business was really starting to fall behind, now that they had to agree to humor all possible religious faiths before proceedings could begin. Stupid ACLU.

Joke #7 - Mario and Luigi in their most action un-packed adventure yet: "Bowser's Cramworks", available on all Nintendo Systems.

Joke #8 - "Dammit, Gary, it's still not gonna go! Make it dilate somehow! I don't know... stroke it or something!"

Joke #9 - One of the top ten stupidest things Scientologists expect you to do with a straight face.

Joke #10 comes to us from Mr. FancyForbiddenPants_C57D, with loads more technobabble, for your daily supply of vitamin sci-fi. Thanks, MFFP! - Jerry & Doc tried to short-circuit the continuum on a five or six parsec level by cannibalizing about two-thirds of the ship's electronic gear & then unshipping the main drive to juice it....Then they realized it would take about 10 days to build a bunker to house the core, so they just said screw it! Let Captain Addams do it his own damn self!

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

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Little Ads - The novelest of novelties.

Already, in 1948, the thriving American industrial sector was making good use of production capacity and technological advancements brought to them by wartime efforts. Those lucky enough to have survived World War II could spend their $1.95 ($19.28 in today's money!) on an astonishing, amazing illuminated bow tie -which is also "jazz"! - or a merely amazing "Guzzlin Charlie" drinking bird. Truly, victory was ours.

Just in case you forgot how Homer found a way to have this bird do his job for him, see below. I think this makes the choice obvious. Buy the drinking bird and get a nice afternoon off.

On page 66 of the same magazine, we found this ad. It seems that the novelty electric tie market was really heating up in '48. This tie is not astonishing or amazing. It is forty five cents cheaper, but it's merely "good for lots of laughs". You can do better. The manufacturer called themselves the "Electric Bow Tie Co", in a spasm of inspiration. They could apparently not do better.

For only $8.45 (or $83,56 in today's money), you could order this radio-phone. Tip for all the inventors out there: Taking a device that already exists (a radio), and adding the fun of holding it up to your head equals "the magic of tomorrow". I've got an idea for an apple slicer phone of the future. Gotta go.

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Institute of Applied Science - Handful of guys.

Today we bring you a doozy of a clip art, courtesy of the Institute of Applied Science in 1948.

Study at home, blah blah, fingerprints, blah, write for free pamphlet, blah blah. CRUSH PERPETRATORS AND MISCREANTS IN YOUR GIANT FIST! SEE THEIR VISCERA SPURT FROM YOUR FINGERGROINS! Yes, please!

You need this clip art in your computer. You could use it for almost anything. Emails from the Human Resources department, for example, or an invitation for a Ladies' Night Out. Just about any occasion where you feel the need to convey absolute hideous control and horrific disregard for all humanity, this clip art will be there for you, ready to help let the world know how you feel. Maybe you're a plucky young upstart and you need a logo for your Presidential bid? We've got your covered. Get your rude finger ready to right click this little doodle onto your hard drive in three, two, one, right click now, you crazed despot.

It looks like the long, enormous arm of the law scraped clean the streets of Victorian London. I can see Fagen, and about seven other ne'er-do-wells called "Stabby McGee" or something. It's good to know what kind of criminals were crawling the streets of America in 1948, and that they were the size of army men. You're welcome.

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Ting Cream - "Must satisfy you in a week."

Are you tired of strangers saying "What's that necrotic smell coming from your feet? Are you wearing ham socks?" Me too! Get yourself some Ting!... in 1948.

There's some good clip art to be mined form this ad. Let's get the Phil Are GO! graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade in here to mine those clip arts, stat! PAGGBPB, Assemble!

Pen tool selection... COMPLETE!
Copy... COMPLETE!
New file... COMPLETE!
Paste... COMPLETE!
Desaturate... COMPLETE!
Contrast... COMPLETE!
Paint out inconvenient background... COMPLETE!
Save As... COMPLETE!

First, there's Foot Guy. He's really proud of his toe, and he has Tube Of Goo to thank! Thanks Toe Goo Tube! He's a JPEG, for near universal compatability with whatever janky graphics program you're stuck using on your computer. Even a Tandy knows what to do with a JPEG! We'll get some intern to verify that that last statement is true this afternoon.

 Next, it's Pointing hand. You can never have too many pointing hands to help people know where to look. If you don't have an authoritative hand to tell people what needs attention, they're liable to just look wherever they want. Then where would we be? Correct! We'd be at communists! This one is a PNG on alpha background, so you can point it at whatever you want without the annoying square background to annoy you.

Have some Science being done, won't you? Of course you will... but not if you're a lady, because this is 1948! Your job is to sit nearby and watch, and maybe empty the doctor's ash tray. Know what the doctor is looking at? Really tiny porn on microfiche. This one is a JPEG again.

Just for good measure, and to show 1948 what a dick it is, here are some important women scientists from history that you should know about.

From Smithsonian Magazine, Ten Historic Female Scientists You Should Know:
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/ten-historic-female-scientists-you-should-know-84028788/?no-ist

Then there's this NPR radio story about the women pioneers of computer programming:
http://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2014/10/06/345799830/the-forgotten-female-programmers-who-created-modern-tech

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