Pointy Tree Day Card - 2021 Announcement

 

Man oh man! New Merch! PRINTS!

Hey hey! Check it out! Now you can get Phil Are Go prints! "Which ones?" Lots of ones! "Prints like what?" Well... postcards, posters, stickers, as well as our never-tedious shirts! How will you get through These Difficult Times? Hard to say, but start by buying some of our crap for sure! Thank me later. I'll wait..

You can use the link below or just click the banner on the right over there. Just wipe your feet, please.
The Phil Are GO! shop at Redbubble.

2018 PTD card get!

Pointy Tree Day Card Get!!!!!

Get card! Have!!!!

MUCH MERCH!

Holy crap! We got merch, people! Shirts, sweatshirts, mugs, probably inappropriate baby clothes! All made from stuff posted here over the last eight or so years. You can shop for such miscellaneous weirdness as...

-Henry the Eighth's Drum Solo
-Up Your Decor, with Vorbia Goatstain
-Molested pictures of old cars with too many wheels
-Uncle Sam's "Lookin' Good. Keep it Up!"
-Yonder Varmint Whiskey
-Raving geezer Whisky
-Bertiff Glavin night club revues
-Knitter's Remorse
-Songs of the North American Oak Tree
-Space Planet
-Understanding Policeman's Signals
-Various cartanks
-Rice-A-Rooney

...and of course a bunch more.

Here's the link, below. Or, just click the banner to the right.
https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/

Just be prepared for some scrolling. There's rather a lot, because we tried to make lots of color variations available. We'll be adding more shirts all the time. If there's one you think we should make, just email us and tell us.

2015 Pointy Tree Day Card cattle call.

It's some sort of time again, citizens! "What sort of time again?" you say? Time to get your Pointy Tree Day card, so you can alienate your family by pinning our monstrosity up next to all the cards from normal people. We will need some kind of postal address, though, because it's a real physical thing made of cardboard. Crazy, I know!

Phil Are GO! Pointy tree Day Card F.A.Q. (Fervently Aggravated Query).

Q: How the hell can I get my copy of the P.A.G.P.T.D.C.? Tell me NOW! HURRY!

A: Just send your address (you know, the number on the thing you live in, in the bigger thing you live in, in the even bigger thing you live in) to PhilAreGo@gmail.com. The Postal Service will handle the rest (and by "handle", we mean "posisbly twist, crease, fold, and lose in the footwell of the delivery truck").

Q: No way am I sending you my address! You'll stalk me!

A: If you think we have the time to sit in an unmarked van across the street from your house, you are probably grossly overestimating the interestingness of your life, and also the amount of free time we have here at GO! Tower. If you're that paranoid, give us your work address, or the address of someone you know. We don't care.

Q: Wait. This is free?

A: Yes. It's free.

Q: No way.

A: Yes, dammit. Free. Just for laughs.

Q: Really? Completely free?

A: Okay, screw you. You don't get a card. Happy now?

Q: Do you have any of the older versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day card lying around? Can I get a couple of those?

A: Yeah, we have some of those. If you ask all nice, we'll send an envelope with a few different cards in it while supplies last or until we don't feel like it any more.

Q: Is this year's card another cigarette ad?

A: Funny enough, no. This year we're shaking thing up. We're not out of cigarette Christmas ads, but this year we found something too good not to put it on the P.T.D.C.

Q: Should I have pancakes for lunch?

A: You should always be eating pancakes, Elvis. Merruh Chrimmus.

Postless, but PTD Card.

Sorry for the postlessness today, citizens. However, nothing would salve the postless pain like a completely free no-strings-attached Pointy Tree Day Card. Just some kind of actual postal address to philarego@gmail.com and we'll put you on the we-don't-give-a-crap-how-naughty-or-nice list for when this year's cards get shipped out. You can use a clothes pin to mount it in the spokes of your bike, for that big motorcycle sound.

No operators are standing by, because that sounds like work, man!

Pointy Tree Day Cards from ages past.

Just in case there is anyone who is on the fence about wanting this year's P.A.G! Pointy Tree Day Card, you absolutely do. Here are our award-winning designs (probably) from the last three years we've been making them. We just need a physical address, which won't be used for anything else. That would be too much work. Also, we don't have an advertising budget or advertising staff. We're not monsters, after all.

A couple of quick FAQs:

Q: Can I roll these up and smoke them?
A: Uh, I guess, inasmuch as they're paper, and combustible.

Q: Are these for real ads?
A: Yes. They're real ads that ran in real magazines, usually back in The Fifties. The images on the cards are unretouched. That would wreck the fun.

Q: What is it with you and smoking Santas?
A: They're funny. What's with you and not understanding regrettable irony?

Q: How do I know you're not going to use my address to come to my house and stalk me?
A: We've got enough to do already, thanks. If we wanted to watch people drive to the grocery store and argue with their spouse, we'd watch TLC or maybe Bravo. Boom!

Q: Really? Free? What's wrong with you?
A: Get back to work.

2011 front

2011 back

2012 front

2012 back

2013 front

2013 back

2014 Pointy Tree Day Card cattle call!

It's time for the annual Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day card get! You'd think Pointy Tree Day was tomorrow if you walk into any store. Pointy Tree Day season is a time of year to abandon shame and taste. There's hardly anything to sell for Thanksgiving, apart from stuffing or maybe those accordionated paper turkey decorations. So, stores just skip right over that bullshit and start hammering the Christmas merchandise on the day after Halloween. Help America abandon taste and destroy perspective by clamoring for your 2014 Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card!

You're bound to have a lot of questions for some reason, so please re-read this FAQ, copied from last year because we're lazy busy. In the meantime, email us some kind of physical address, because these cards are actual paper card stock. No stupid "e-card" lameness here. Also, price is free! Don't complain!

Phil Are GO! Pointy tree Day Card F.A.Q. (Fervently Aggravated Query).

Q: "How the hell can I get my copy of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card?

A: It couldn't be easier! Just send us your addre- Q: "TELL ME HOW!!! NOW NOW NOW!"

A: Hey, shut up and let me finish, spaz. Send us your address. That's it. PhilAreGo@gmail.com

Q: No way am I sending you my address! You'll stalk me!

A: If you think we have the time to sit in an unmarked van across the street from your house, you are probably grossly overestimating the interestingness of your life, and also the amount of free time we have here at GO! Tower. If you're that paranoid, give us your work address, or the address of someone you know. We don't care.

Q: Do you have any of the older versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day card lying around? Can I get  a couple of those?

A: Yeah, we have some of those. If you ask all nice, we'll send an envelope with a few different cards in it while supplies last or until we don't feel like it any more.

Q: If I collect all the versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card from way long ago, will they be valuable some day?

A: Sure. Why not? Go nuts.

Q: Why is the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card always something to do with cigarettes? What's your problem?

A: Because advertisers don't dare mix cigarettes and Santa any more. Christmas cigarette ads are funny and inappropriate. On the other hand however, Santa is supposed to be immortal, so he should be able to smoke his brains out, right? In The Night before Christmas, he smoked a pipe with smoke that encircled his head like a wreath or something. When's the last time you saw Santa smoking his pipe in a store ad, or commercial? Santa smoking a cigarette is just frikkin weird. Lastly, if you need to ask why cigarette Christmas ads are funny, you should probably go read The Drudge Report or something, because irony and black humor obviously don't work on you.

Q: Will the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card always be a cigarette ad? No really, what's your problem?

A. No, it won't. If we run out of Christmas cigarette ads, we'll use something else. Also, shut up.

Road America - The Hawk. Where we are. Today!

Hello, citizens! Today, the Phil Are GO! Photo Patrol And Looking At Things Squad has dispatched a Coolness Response Team to Road America in Elkhart Lake, Wisconsin. This weekend is The Hawk, which is the best-attended vintage race of Road America's season.

I hope you're sitting down. In fact, you may want to stand up and then sit down again. Where ever you're sitting, prepare to leave a puddle. The special theme of this year's The Hawk is... wait for it... Can-Am! Woooooooo! Hot damn!

So, prepare your eye holes for eye-mouth-watering race car juicyness all next week. I am personally prepared to fall in love several times per second today. I hope the cars will be gentle.

Internet blackout this week. - Vintage Racing Tomorrow!

Sorry citizens. This week has been an internet no-fly zone up until this morning.

See, AT&T decided to stop supporting our MOdulator/DEModulator, a nice sturdy Transdata 307 analog model. Apparently our trusty Transdata 307 MOdulator/DEModulator unit is not worth AT&T's trouble any more. What a bunch of snobs.

Some kind of crazy contraption.

So, we are forced to upgrade to a US Robotics 14.4 Sportster. I personally don't trust weird tech like this. I mean, you can't even see the gears! How does it work? What if it throws a drive belt? How can I fix it? Bottom line is you can't. This thing better work flawlessly for decades or I will be turbo pissed.

Our Coleco Adam Personal Computer needed a software update to work with the new "mo-dem", and US Robotics doesn't distribute their software on data cassettes any more, which is the only media the Adam consumes. USR only deliver drivers on strange coaster-like "floppy diskettes". Great. So, until we found a virgin tech wizard with the ability to transcode 3.5" floppy gibberish to nice, normal cassetteish, we were dead in the water. The world was a dusty wasteland, totally free of old pictures and jokes.

Bryce Thundercat

 Enter Bryce Thundercat. It is possible that this is not his real name. However, when one wields the powers of a thirtieth level Cybermancer like Bryce does, you can have people address you as you wish.

Bryce it was who fixed us up with the transcoded Maxxell XLII-S data cassette (chrome oxide no less!) that would install the drivers for our US Robotics futuremodem (I still don't trust it) on our Adam. After going through so much to get that cassette (a bag of Zesty Ranch Bugles and two cases of Oronamin C Drink Ramune - he really is an exotic machine that requires imported fuel), we popped the tabs out and triple-wrapped it in foil to protect the data for all time. Now, Phil Are GO! can never be thrown off the internet again. Thanks, Bryce Thundercat! How can we ever repay yo- Oh yeah. We did.

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! This weekend is the Blackhawk Vintage Classic and Phil Are GO! is your eyes in the sky on the ground at the cars! Our Photographic Assault Batallion will be out in the field tomorrow at Blackhawk Farms, making sure our readers don't miss a pixel of super hot lens-on-car perversion. WTF am I on about? Here are our posts from last year's BVC. The P.A.G! P.A.B. will be armed with the new-to-us Olympus OMD EM-5, and a kooky grab bag of lenses, including our 1972 Canon FD 1.4 and a massively donglike 300mm zoom, which on our camera, works out to a Hubble telescopic 600mm tele. Also, some new lenses that can auto focus, so not everything will be a blurry mess.

Stay tuned!

Pointy Tree Day Card / Seasonal Obligation Card Cattle Call!

Hear ye, hear ye, or whatever! 'Tis almost the season again, for unnecessary stress, ridiculous spending of money you probably don't have, and anxiety over familial expectations! Why not soften the blow with a really huge glass of wine and the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day card?

Phil Are GO! Pointy tree Day Card F.A.Q. (Fervently Aggravated Query).

Q: "How the hell can I get my copy of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card?

A: It couldn't be easier! Just send us your addre- Q: "TELL ME HOW!!! NOW NOW NOW!"

A: Hey, shut up and let me finish, spaz. Send us your address. That's it. PhilAreGo@gmail.com

Q: No way am I sending you my address! You'll stalk me!

A: If you think we have the time to sit in an unmarked van across the street from your house, you are probably grossly overestimating the interestingness of your life, and also the amount of free time we have here at GO! Tower. If you're that paranoid, give us your work address, or the address of someone you know. We don't care.

Q: Do you have any of the older versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day card lying around? Can I get  a couple of those?

A: Yeah, we have some of those. We'll send an envelope with a few different cards in it while supplies last or until we don't feel like it any more.

Q: If I collect all the versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card from way long ago, will they be valuable some day?

A: Sure. Why not? Go nuts.

Q: Why is the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card always something to do with cigarettes? What's your problem?

A: Because advertisers don't dare mix cigarettes and Santa any more. Santa is completely PC and boring now. The image of St. Nick puffing a Camel is bizarre.Christmas cigarette ads are funny and inappropriate. On the other hand however, Santa is supposed to be immortal, so he should be able to smoke his brains out, right? In The Night before Christmas, he smoked a pipe with smoke that encircled his head like a wreath or something. When's the last time you saw Santa smoking his pipe in a store ad, or commercial? Santa smoking a cigarette is just frikkin weird. Lastly, if you need to ask why cigarette Christmas ads are funny, you should probably go read The Drudge Report or something, because irony and black humor obviously don't work on you.

Q: Will the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card always be a cigarette ad? No really, what's your problem?

A. No, it won't. If we run out of Christmas cigarette ads, we'll use something else. Also, shut up.

Back tomorrow.

All of us here at GO! Tower hope you had a boisterous and questionable National Explosives Day break. Phil Are GO! will be returning for our national holiday of detonation tomorrow with all the keen insight, nearly detectable jokes, and obscure references that have nonplussed you literally tens of times in the past. P.A.G. staffers have nearly recovered from their Frisbee bruises and salmonella chafing, and will be ready to greet the new fiscal year filled with more old pictures, which are, in turn, filled with accidental irony.

See you tomorrow, citizens!

[-Mgmt.]

No post again! - Antiques Creepshow go-go Doll. (Put Laugh-In joke here.)

The temperature is under ninety degrees today, so we assume the first blizzard of the 2012-13 season is only a few weeks away. So, the staff at GO! Tower is having snow removal drills, in anticipation of the approaching winter. Also hypothermia casserole will be served in the commissary today.

Also, please fail to enjoy this freaky go-go girl doll, photographed in an actual display case in an actual antique store by one of our field scavengers. Observe her filthy face, and the half-assed manufacture of her basically cylindrical cheap-as-chips form. Don't forget to revile The Seventies.

(Internal memo: Remind me to have an intern write some kind of joke pertaining to the fact that this doll is fairly sock-shaped, and the popularity of the catch phrase "sock it to me" in the Laugh-In days of Goldie Hawn and her psychedelic bikini. When joke is complete, insert in title bar and delete this memo before posting.)

Blog Outages in Your Area

Due to the thunderstorms moving through the Chicago area, many Blog customers are without Phil Are GO! We understand that Phil Are GO! is very important to you and we are working to determine restoration times for all of our customers. Currently, we are expecting Blog restoration by the afternoon of July Third. If you require further assistance, please remain on the line for the next available snarky jerk to assist you.

Meanwhile, please enjoy this painting of a breakfast. Also, please forgive the lack of drop shadow underneath the parsley/broccoli thing.

[-Mgmt.]