The Hardy Boys and the Blanket Monster

Definitely no CSA.

The satirist's eternal problem. Some things, that start out looking like a joke to begin with, are difficult to satirize. [-Mgmt.]

Original cover and back cover below.

The March of Science, #11

Careful Care Care Made Care Free 11: Ferry, Parking, Body work.

When You take the Wheel - Emergency situations.

Careful Car Care Made care Free 7

The Engine

Get the shirt? Get the shirt!

https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1012535896?q=I1012535896

Careful Car Care Made Care Free - Getting help.

Gold Medal Books - Mayhem... FOR SALE!

We're a little more subtle with our descriptions of entertainment now than we were in The Fifties. We just call them "action movies" or "adventure novels". We like violence and destruction, but we don't like to say so. Not so in 1956. Observe this ad for "men's interest" novels from publisher Gold Medal Books. We promise you this ad has not been messed with. There really was a book called "Danger for Breakfast".

Incidentally, any image we post that's been altered will have the tag "Photoshop" down at the bottom.

Even more incidentally, the font at the top of the ad is Latin Wide. The body text font used in the ad is Tw Cen. Those, plus Rockwell Bold (not used in this ad) account for maybe 75% of all commercial graphics made in The Fifties and Sixties. If you're faking up some retro graphics intended to look like they're sixty years old or so, those fonts are just about all you need.

Oh yeah. When did we stop saying "Moslem" and start saying "Muslim"?

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Smart Motoring - Parking and acceleration.

Dodge Phonograph - Like a record, baby.

You may have heard that, at one time, you could get a 16-RPM turntable installed in your car as a factory option. Here's a page from a Popular Mechanics preview of the new 1956 models from (among others) Dodge, showing their under-dash record player. Does it still count as a 16-RPM record when the car you're driving is spinning at an additional 2 RPM into a ditch because you were dicking around with the 16-RPM record while driving?

The unit was designed for 16-RPM records? What were those? They were 7" in diameter, which was the same size as a 45. However, the 16-RPM standard was generally monaural, and the slower playback speed of the program material brought with it the additional downside of decreased sound quality. This brings into question to Chrysler's name for the feature, "Highway Hi-Fi". Let's not forget that "Hi-Fi" is supposed to mean "high fidelity". Inferior quality, mono audio. That's some good marketing. Name it after the very thing it's farthest from.

More here from Wikipedia...

Some recording, (sic) such as books for the blind, were pressed at 16 2⁄3 rpm. Prestige Records released jazz records in this format in the late 1950s, for example two of their Miles Davis albums were paired together in this format. Peter Goldmark, the man who developed the 33 1⁄3 rpm record, developed the Highway Hi-Fi 16 2⁄3 rpm record to be played in Chrysler automobiles, but poor performance of the system and weak implementation by Chrysler and Columbia led to the demise of the 16 2⁄3 rpm records. Subsequently, the 16 2⁄3 rpm speed was used for narrated publications for the blind and visually impaired, and were never widely commercially available, although it was common to see new turntable models with a 16 rpm speed setting produced as late as the 1970s.

So, a format that found its biggest audience in the blind, offered as a feature in cars. No irony there. Maybe they should have marketed their Highway Hi-Fi to the hearing impaired, too? Wooooo! Take that, Chrysler of 1956!

According to Popular Mechanics according to Chrysler, you could change the record "without taking your eyes off the road". This may sound pretty stupid, but surely no less stupid than typing a quick SMS while driving, right?

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Servicing the machine.

Joke #1 - "Okay, you're nearly there. Hold it. Good. Aaaaand three, two one... clench!"

Joke #2 - Developers are still searching for a less-disgusting replacement for the working name of the "Groinal Sackulator". Current favorite is "Crotchotron".

Joke #3 - "Hey, Don, we're getting some funny readings from that beam you're grinding on, but it could just be some cheese in the waste basket."

Joke #4 - "Done, come down, buddy. I'm sorry for what I said about wave/particle duality."

Joke #5 - Don was snagged again - this time, over eight feet off the floor. He didn't know how this kept happening. He would really have to start watching what he did with his nostrils.

Joke #6 - "Yes, right there. It looks like a good fit. All you have to do is wear this unobtrusive apparatus until we can take the stitches out. You need to be more careful around floor jacks, Don."

Joke #7 - Runner up in Fermilab's 1956 Funniest Accidental Penetration Photo contest.

Joke #8 - "You know, Don, some day people won't need machines like this any more. I think there will be little pills that do the same thing."

Joke #9 - "Nope, it's still radioactive. I'm reading 1200 CPM down here. How do your sperm feel?"

Joke #10 - "We were gonna position the oil filter down here at floor level, but that would have cost ninety cents more per unit. Isn't that funny, Don? ...I said ISN'T THAT FUNNY?"

Joke 11 comes to us courtesy of Mr.FancyPPPants_2. Thanks, MFPPP! - Joke #11: Then Sam realized "That machine is entirely electric!,...Don didn't say 'PISTON', dammit!"...Then he went to get the blow-dryer....

[ Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Camel Cigarettes - The pleasure lack of principles.

The Pleasure Principle is a term coined by Sigmund Freud that explains the counter intuitive and cryptic fact of life that humans generally seek pleasure and avoid pain. Or, put more simply, for those of you in the cheap seats, "Being happy means you're happy." Thanks, Freud. What would we do without you? Enjoy your cigar.

Seizing upon this groundbreaking insight, Camel came up with and ad built around this hard-hitting psychological syllogism (stay with me here): Any thing that you enjoy improves your disposition. Therefore, (Okay, ready for the home stretch?) smoke Camels, because you enjoy them, or you'll suck at your job and be fired. Shew! You may want to sit down and let that one sink in. What better time to enjoy a Camel than when you're taking a nice brain-break, trying to grasp a bullet-proof piece of earth-shaking philosophy? Thank you, Camels!

So, whatever gives you pleasure - projectile farting, drinking human blood, primal scream therapy, or simply pleasuring yourself - do it on the job, and you'll be a model employee.

Hey! Fun fact time. here are the causes of death for the four celebrity smokers in this ad:

Brian Keith, hair delicately balanced

on his head. Lung cancer, age 75.

He was mourned for years by his

TV children and loving toupee.

Rise Stevens, photographed at one of

her many cartoon mansions. Died of

being 99 years old, after surviving

many assaults with circus mallets

and precariously dangling safes.

Marguerite Higgins, apparently suffering

early symptoms of freaky tropical

disease "leishmaniasis" at time

of photo. Leishmaniasis, age 45.

Claire (?) L. Chennault, age 25 at

time of photo. Lung cancer, age 64.

Anyway, don't become a statistic. Smoke your camels, for your career's sake. Please enjoy the cautionary tale kind of clip art from today's ad. He's one crabby badger trying to balance his accounts with a Texas Instruments 99-4A. He's in such a funk, not even his human wife's famous funk-debunking elephant trunk roast can shake him out of it! And his 1920something-era telephone is ringing off the hook. Woodrow Wilson must have something really important to ask him. Better give that badger a Camel! Graphic Gift coming your way in three, two, one... GRAPHICGIFTCOMINGNOW!

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Sportsmanlike Driving, Pt 11 - Pedestrian, how do we kill thee? Let you count the way.

All right, New Drivers, it's high time you learn how you'll probably die on the road. Walking! Why? Find out!

Look at this crazy fellow. What could possess a man to march around behind a giant question mark like that?

What? He's in LOVE? Yes, it's LOVE, "The Noisy Killer." Protect yourself, citizens. Never fall in love. And if you accidentally do fall in love, get out of it, hopefully by luncheon time, when you'll be walking down to the Hammed-Burger stand at the corner, your head in a murderous cloud of Love, while you cross the road, a lamb to the slaughter. To be extra-sure, try to stay "in hate" at all times, so that even if you fall in love once, your state will then just be "normal", and still be able to fulfill your role as an Alert Pedestrian.

Sportsmanlike Driving, Pt. 10 - Driving! Doing it. How to?

Today, we cover another chapter of Sportsmanlike Driving. Today's topic is on "the rules of the road" or "how to drive and stuff".

Fig. 171 shows you the importance of signaling when you plan to pass on the shoulder.

But always lookout for the always dangerous "Atak Trucks". You should only pass these vehicles with another "sacrificial car" between you and this potentially deadly monster, as shown in Fig. 171.

In busy cities during times of heavy traffic., lanes may run in different directions, depending on the time of day. This is why it's so important to to be sure your watch is synchronized with the State Traffic Clock, to avoid a moist, chunky-style death.

In wintery conditions, special precautions must be taken:
1. test road conditions by stopping your car and examining the road surface. Consider tasting the road for saltiness. A safe winter road should taste like a potato chip.

2. Drive at lower speeds. If anything really gnarly happens, you'll want to be able to describe it to your children in great detail.

3. Follow at longer distances, to gather more speed as you rear end the driver in front of you.

4. Use tire chains, to safely tear the shit out of the pavement. This will lead to a more "texturized" road surface, for better traction, and thus, more safety.

5. Keep windshield clean. Snow makes an excellent cleaner. Also remember that urine freezes at a lower temperature than water. Hey, just saying.

6. Avoid foolish driving acts, such as steering, braking, or moving in any direction.

Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt. 9 - Stopping: The Opposite of Not Stopping.

As near as Modern Driving Statistics can tell us, every single person in history was killed due to an un-stopped auto-car. Won't you like to be the first to be killed by something else, like International Communism, or perhaps bees? Choose how you want to die. Learn to stop!

Where's the kinetic energy stored? Here in the gas tank?

Stopping is all about dissipating Kinetic Energy, or "witchcraft". A moving vehicle has Kinetic Energy, which is equal to the mass of the vehicle times velocity, divided by the number of obstacles there are to hit, multiplied by green. Don't forget to carry the one. If you can recalculate this equation at all times while driving, you will always know exactly how to stop, in case of motion.



As shown in Fig. 119, kinetic energy is best dissipated by hitting obstacles.

In case of an ordinary stop, try driving into a hedge, bush, or lesser bramble, as shown in A. This will bring your auto-car to a stop in a relatively long distance, but with minimal damage. In case of emergency, consider doing a "panic stop", by finding a nice solid school bus to shorten your stopping distance dramatically. Be careful. Some school buses may actually be filled with shrubbery. This may confuse you. In case of confusion, quick confusion is important. Just try to hit anything you can find.

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DeVry Technical Institute - Get some learn in Televisionradioelectronics.

Learn The New Science Of Television-Radio-Electronics And New Super Easy Rules Of Capitalization At Our Secret Floating Training Facility On Lake Michigan!

As Career Recipient of Blunt Head Trauma Jack Dempsey's head will tell you, in exchange for a check we wrote him, he's proud to be "with" DTI, in the same way that Fonzie is now super cranked about reverse mortgages. No word on whether his neck or body share his enthusiasm for electronics training, as they were not available at the time of printing.

Still not convinced? Then listen to Randomly Chosen
and Slightly Startled Boat Guy Jean Desmas, for some
reason. DTI is "incroyable".

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Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt. 8 - The courage to drive slowly.

SNAILPACE CONTROL. Just as a pilot's ultimate display of prowess is perfectly level flight, the ultimate demonstration of complete control of your auto-car is moving as slowly as possible. As a new auto-car driver, your fellow roadsmen will understand your skill by how slowly you are capable of moving. They will thank you for driving at a speed so slow that it's nearly impossible to be unsafe. Don't let them down! Keep your foot on that brake pedal. If you're driving properly, you should need new brake linings once a month.

MONITOR YOURSELF. How is your attitude behind the wheel? Would you be ashamed to have a representative from your auto-car insurance company riding with you at all times?

If your attitude is right, you should be proud to demonstrate your slowness and control. Of course, such constant monitoring is impossible, and probably always will be, but try to imagine what your auto-car insurance agent would think of your driving habits. What would you change if he were there all the time, watching and monitoring? Shouldn't you drive like that all the time?