Cafeteria names.

Lucky Strike Half & Half Tobacco - Your bastard avatar is here.

In a slight breach of procedure, we posted the Old Bastard Whiskey ad from yesterday without also offering a nice thousand-pixel avatar of Old Bastard himself. He'd look pretty good as your profile picture or whatever on your forum, chat service, or social media thing or whatever, right?

He came from this Lucky Strike ad from a 1936 issue of Popular Science. He's way bigger than when we shrunk him down to be the figurehead of Old Bastard Whiskey - plenty of resolution to get a good image. That was nice of him. What a nice bastard he is!

The ad copy reads like they just invented language. No idioms at all. "Cool as the summons 'The boss wants to see you.'" "Your password to pleasure!" It sounds awkward on the one hand, but on the other hand, why embrace cliche and worn-out phraseology? "People who love to say "think outside the box", I'm looking at YOU.

Check out the cool telescoping tin that the tobacco came in! Apparently, it was a chore reaching deep into an emptying tin to get out the last of the tobacco, so they made a can that shrinks as you go. Weird. It looks like it had rolled edges. What's with the "no bite" thing? Ah well. Who knows.

A neat custom can like that would be judged "cost prohibitive" by today's don't-give-a-crap-but-pretend-we-give-a-crap standards. A little common sense would be a great thing to see in package design today.

For example, "easy tear" lunch meat packages whose rip cord completely fails to actually open the bag.

For another example, they should abandon the design of any mayonnaise -type jar that's just tall enough to totally smear the handle of a butter knife as you try to retrieve the last of the mayo from the bottom. That plinkety-plinkety sound is the harbinger of messy fingers.

Anyway, you want your bastard avatar. Hold your horses. Here he is. Thousand by a thousand. Nobody's account settings should find an excuse to choke on a 1k x1k jpeg like this. He sure looks like he's just foreclosed on an orphanage, doesn't he? What a great bastard. You're welcome!

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Old Bastard Whiskey

Up Your Decor - Very Vorbia!

This boy-friendly bedroom from Flotsam House is just perfect for little Frome and Vrint to unwind after a long day of being warehoused at their nearest public school! Frome enjoys the bright, cheery atmosphere provided by the dark colonial furniture set, while that little scamp Vrint gets ready to rumpus around by destroying Frome's hard work and spilling the snacks everywhere! Frome will have his revenge decades from now, when he's an urban planner and Vrint is a carnival worker who keeps asking to borrow money. Screw you, Vrint! The lime green walls are delightfully contrasted by the lime green carpet, and both are accented by the lime green and blue fabrics! Your little Visigoths are sure to have a hard time calling "sack time" with this fun bedroom to sack!

What's for dinner? Bright, airy color! That's what, stupid! Nothing goes with lime green like orange, or, as I like to say, "orange: the other lime green"! Two delightfully intimate alcoves make grilling and washing up feel as private as frying and tidying! The handy hidden pantry keeps all your meal-fixin's within easy reach - everything from Rice-A-Roni to Hamburger Helper! Good thing the cabinets and appliances are the perfect color, because you'll never ever, ever, EVER want to change them!

You know how you always like to watch yourself undress on certain days? Well now you can, every day, with this mostly mirrored bedroom by Eros of Omaha. The bedroom sink's mirror reflects the mirrored wall opposite, so when you slowly bend over to douse your face... "Whoa! Someone's been working out!" Everywhere you look it's just you, you, you. Your various lovers won't know which you to grab first! The bed is elevated on a fourteen inch mirrored plinth, so your ankles can admire themselves. Keep on top of world events with the state-of-the-art info-musement center, featuring an eight inch black and white television that gets up to six channels, medium-fi sound system, ash tray, and two-knob command center! You may never need to leave the bedroom again, except for some kind of health screening!

Well, hello good-lookin! Who are we? That's right! We're me, Vorbia, in my own bedroom, trimmed in green velour and royal blue! That's my cherished husband Glertrom planning our next Pancake party. The walnut woodwork keeps it light and breezy in our voluptuary! Oh Glertom, just invite everyone and come to bed, silly!

The Magic Trick

Joke #1 - One of the many ugly consequences of over-foresting ladies.

Joke #2 - "Build a bridge out of her!"

Joke #3 - Donald Trump, trying to find some way to discourage his supporters.

Joke #4 - Aw jeez. He really oughta be using a hollow-ground blade, or her edges are just gonna fuzz right up, dontchaknow.

Joke #5 - The Amazing Lester was running out of ideas to get his wife out of bed in time for work.

Joke #6 - Hey, if he's not careful, that one support thingy is gonna bonk her right in the chin and be all dangerous and stuff.

Joke #7 - Sheesh. He ain't even usin' a miter saw! It's gettin' so people don't care how they cut their wife in half no more. Craftsmanship, ya know? Darn shame.

Joke #8 - Sid Caesarean section.

First-time commenter posisbly-long-time reader Andrew H. sent us Joke #9. He's right, you know! Thanks, Andrew! - No safety glasses. No blade guard. This isn't magic... it's just plain reckless.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Kooking Kornir - Insolent Fish Paste Mockery.

Pathetic creatures of Earth! If you are like me, Oteogg, Conquerer of All Space, you are intolerant of insolent subcreatures! I sure know I am like me! These uppity morsels must be put in their place! Their place is in one of your three digestive chambers, deep within your thorax! Hah! This day, we will prepare an insolent fish for mockery and devouring!

Observe this serving suggestion with your eyestalks or be destroyed!!!!

Begin by acquiring a fish of non-specific species! Do not waste my time with your mewlings of "but certain types of fish must be prepared in specific ways, O mighty Oteogg". SILENCE!!! You will also be devoured in due time for your insolence! If I spent all day determining the species of creatures, I would have very little time for the devouring of them! Now you've gone and made me angry!!!!

"Fish" are aquatic creatures commonly found in water! They think they are just sooo clever! Begin your fish search by removing all water from Earth with your ship's forward thermal cannon! Set your thermal cannon's heat setting to "most of it" and treat the planet for approximately nine minutes! Then, after making planetfall, descend from your vessel and select one of the fish that is still thrashing around in the mud, gasping its last! It has spirit! It must be destroyed!!! Return to your ship's galley with the insolent fish!

Place the insolent fish in a medium fish blender! Using the "destroy" setting, reduce the fish to a slurry, and then storm out of the room to let it think about what it has done! Do not be moved by its pleas for mercy! Quickly return to the room in a rage, shouting into the blender "YOUR EFFORTS ARE IN VAIN, SUBCREATURE!!!". Then, stab the "eliminate" button on your blender! This will reduce the fish to a Frothy Liquid! Do not forget to put on the lid! You do not want fish insolence sprayed all over your nice, clean galley! Unless that's what you are into, in which case that would be what you do, in fact, want! You do you, baby!!!

The fish is nearly ready for the final humiliation!

Select a fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form from your wall of artfully displayed Nutrient Compression Forms! Slam the fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form down on the table next to the blender and shout the following at the blender: "I DID NOT WANT IT TO COME TO THIS, BUT YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!!!" Then, laugh with child-like glee!

Pour the Frothy Insolent Fish Liquid into the fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form, in hideous mockery of its previous self! Then shout "SEE? I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT! YOU MADE ME DO IT!!!" Place the Nutrient Compression Form containing the Frothy Insolent Fish Liquid into your refrigerator overnight to chill, to become gelatinous, and to reflect on its crimes with all gelatinous shame.

The following day, your Insolent Fish Paste Mockery will be ready to serve to your unappreciative crew! They have no idea what you do for them! You work and you slave! All they do in return is cower in insolent terror! As you watch your crew timidly devour the Insolent Fish Paste Mockery, slowly reach for your crew-shaped Nutrient Compression Form!

I am Oteogg! I have spoken!!!

Communication ends!

A visit from The Bees.

New Idea Parade 2 - Automaton, farmer eggs, and gun safety.

Seagram's V.O. - The Supermarket of the Future!

Ever wonder what was up in 1945? Well on September 2nd, a crazy misunderstanding called Double-You Double-You Eye-Eye stopped happening, and everybody was all "No Way! Really? GTFO." Twenty-four hours later, this issue of LIFE magazine hit the shelves, and Seagram's was already planning our bright, efficient future. They didn't waste any time, did they?

Behold, the Supermarket of the Future, as envisioned by a whisky manufacturer. It's good to know how we're all buying food now, isn't it?

The shiny and efficient future we all enjoy today was foreseen in nearly every sharp detail by the wizards at Seagram's. How did they know?

We've come a long way, baby. Thank god the Greatest Generation was there in '45 to ensure this glowing future of wisdom and freedom, which they themselves could not possibly have fully envisioned, no matter how much Seagram's V.O. they drank.

If you simply must see more shining visions of our victorious retail dream of modernity, you can probably find more than you can deal with over at PeopleOfWalmart. Seagram's has got you covered if you feel the need for a drink afterward, which is more than likely.

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Crate Squat Chalk Talk

Joke #1 - "Brad, there are some problems that just can't be solved using the old Tic-Tac-Toe-Tac-Toe-Tic-Tic-Toe-Tac model."

Joke #2 - "The first group will deliver the concrete around noon, and by three we should be able to... Hey, my eyes are up here, sunshine."

Joke #3 - Oh, god. The foreman was doing one of his site reviews, and he had brought his crate. Man, somebody needed to swap that thing out for a taller one. It would make it easier to pay attention to what the foreman was saying, and definitely reduce the "stare deep into my groin" factor. Why did he have to scootch so damn close? Man oh man...thank Sears for the robust stitching on their Toughskins khakis, though.

Joke #4 - "Ya see, Brad, when you're been foreman as long as I have, you learn a few little tricks of the trade. For example, mine is a long day, right? And I do a lot of squatting. Turns out this here milk crate is just high enough to help me out with some serious long-term squattage. Of course, it helps if you got a 'trick pelvis' like me. Funny thing about my trick pelvis. I got it back in Imjin. There I was doing some pilates in a tree top when this North Korean sniper get's the drop on me from about fifty clicks out. Now, I like my pubis as much as the next guy, but when I have to choose between it and my platoon, you know what I had to do...."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

Milan Plaza Court Motel - The center of Tennessee's fashion district.

If you're planning on attending this year's 1958 Ultimate Global Fashion Conference, here at ground zero of the world's fashion market, Milan, Tennessee, please consider staying with us at the Milan Plaza Court Motel... "where every court is also a plaza"!

Your visit begins at the historic "front office", where you can also renew your license plates and buy some bait, for your unskippable trip to the Milan Plaza Court Fishin' Hole, where we say "Mmmmm-MMM! That's good hole!"

You'll want to stop by your room next, so you can put your luggage away and change into your swimmin' costume. Don't forget to be fashionable!

Awnings cover each window, and are included in the price of the room. We think you'll find them downright homey!

Wooooo, nelly! Grab a eyeload of the bathing beauties over at the cement pond! That's what old Verne's doing! Verne ain't no fool!

The lawn chairs are provided as a convenience feature for our guests, and should be distributed to each, as befits his or her sitting needs... except that one chair where the strappy things are coming unwoven. We'll get right on that directly, probably this weekend. Just fold it up and set it aside.

You'll probably forget all about the outside world during your stay, but should you need to reach out to those poor folks not staying at the Milan Plaza Court, you'll find a telephone in every singe room! An additional phone can be found at the check-in desk. Calls are free, so long as you don't yammer on too long. Fran's expecting a call from her foot doctor about her corns.


One super sure-fire don't-miss feature you won't want to miss is our fabled and anciently mythical Hanging Gardens of Milan! How'd they get there? Noooo-body knoooows! Please buy a keychain at the gift counter, to commemorate your visit to the Hanging Gardens at the Milan Plaza Court Motel!

The Milan Plaza Court Motel - where there's always vacancy in our hearts... for YOU!

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UPDATE: Diligent Reader John S. has just come back from the lab with this newly isolated Plaza Court Motel sign. Enhance the curb appeal of all your jpegs and stuff with this mid-century modern googie-style Milan Plaza Court neon sign. Make the Plaza Court Motel everywhere you wanna be! John says we're welcome!

Click for big.

Serving suggestion only. You may or may not live in war-torn Warsaw.

UPDATE to the UPDATE: Alert Reader Cyclotronboy has probably located the location of the Milan Plaza Court's location in The Google. He also lends some insight about pool removal. Thanks, CTB! His observations below the embedded GM window.

"Google Maps suggests that at the corner of 45E, 70A, and 79 is at the present-day corner of S 1st and W Van Hook St, c.f. http://tinyurl.com/hn6ogzb I suspect that the now-closed Executive Inn & Suites is the ancestral home of the Milan Court Plaza. Usually when a place undergoes massive restructuring and remodeling, a pool is left in place due to the costs of moving it. So I think it's probable that the pool in the postcard is the same pool on Google Earth."

Midol - Which are you?

Good morning, citizens. It's morning, here in Earth, but we are here to help. Maybe you think everything's fine? Gosh, that's too bad. Think for a second about nearly anything.

Okay, how about now? There we go! Now we're here to help! Let's get helped!
But first, an old ad. Crazy, huh?

Midol! Yeah, baby! No one is sure what this stuff is for. I even asked Mister Owl. That guy is useless for nearly everything except candy-related mysteries.

The ad copy mentions feeling all of these things...

-Dismalness (Who doesn't?)

-Periodic pain (Pain comes and goes, I guess, right?)

-Some kind of distress ("Menstrual?" Sounds like men cause some kind of problem. Sorry about that!)

-Cramping (Maybe you went swimming right after eating?)

-Headache (Oh, I get these, for sure!)

-Backache (Careful putting up those Christmas lights!)

-Jumpy nerves (Isn't that what nerves are for?)

-Bluesyness (Sometimes I wish I could pull off "the blues", but nope.)

So, whatever this "Midol" stuff does, it sounds like it's really good. It seems to fix everything. I kind of want to try some.

Anyway, whatever's bugging you, we're here to fix that with one of these two avatars. One looks really bluesy and the other one is the exact same Peggy looking like everything's fine! If you're bummed about whatever, the bummed version of Peggy will sympathize with you. If everything's great, the "bright" version of Peggy will help to keep you nice and deluded.

You can use these avatars as your profile picture on some kind of FaceTube or chat system or Netscape Webcrawler thing.

Thanks, Peg! We're all welcome!

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Click for 1000 px.

Post Card - Bob-O-Link Drive-In

Welcome families of all ages, to the Bob-O-Link Drive-In, where choice steaks are a specialty and landscaping is who-the-heck-cares-about-landscaping. Please seat yourself just about anyoldwhere in our bright and also cheerful dining area and your waitress will be by to call you "honey" shortly. She's Betsy. In the meantime, don't forget that the placemats gots a flipover maze and other activities on the back just for the kids ta do. Here's a crayon fer that.

Located at the junction of routes 31 and 46 in Columbus, Indiana, we know you could do just about anything hereabouts - look at the stop sign, use the parking lot to calibrate your bubble level, oh gosh, the possibilities are pert near endless! That's why we're glad you chose us, and we feel that shows in the service we provide, with a smile, don'tchaknow!

Today's specials are the usual. Please try one of our fully air-conditioned steaks and our clean, friendly restrooms which are a must (not musty! Ho-ho-ho!) for your sanitation and grooming excellence and stuff like that!

Thanks such a bunch for your partonage and please do have a come again to the Bob-O-Link, and don't forget to say a big "howdy-do" to our Linky Bob, out there on the sign, you can't miss 'um, for sure!