Antiques Creepshow - Peasant under glass.

Today we're going to explore the "extra valued" items in the glass case at the antique store, while my girlfriend looks at vintage jewelry. Whatever we find, you can bet it will be super rare and slightly priceless, because you can't touch them. Excited? Me neither! Oooh, I wish the anticipation were killing me!

Aha! A rare Hummel! Some of you may recall that Sister Maria Innocentia Hummel was not only fascinated by adorable vignettes featuring round headed waifs, but she also had a deep passion for great battles of the past. This piece was produced in a run of 200 in 1943, and  is entitled "Tummy Whoopsie". It shows a good Christian soldier disemboweling an evil non-Christian soldier, dispatching him with Christian love and mercy. It shows us how much God loves us. Well, some of us at least. Note the anguish on the Christian soldier's face. He can't even bring himself to look at what he must do for the greater glory of God. What a trooper. Onward Christian soldier!

When I was a lad, I asked for a Bottom Dump like this for Christmas. I won't describe what I got. The road to the gastroenterologist is paved with good intentions, as they say.

Even this deer can't believe how badly he's painted. He's rolling his yellow cartoon eyes in disgust. Ask anyone "What color are lips?" and they'll tell you "Why, lips are red, you jackass." So, the deer got bright red lips. The artist didn't need to look at nature to understand nature. Everything he needed to know was in his heart. Trees are always green. Lips are always red. Antlers always grow out of two asymmetrical tumors on the skull. If this deer could, he'd clean himself and mount his head on the wall.

This Beatles figurine is mislabeled as Paul McCartney. It is actually a very rare figurine of Jim Carrey. It's an easy enough mistake to make, especially once you've put a wig on the figure and hung a little guitar around it's neck and tagged it as Paul McCartney. Completely understandable. See?

See? Spitting image! Or, trying really hard to spit, maybe.

Smirnoff - Dictating fashion.

The sixties were an exciting time (I'm told). Some kind of cultural revolution or whatever. Bacteria-sharing sexual liberation called "swinging". Nutty clothes. I'd enjoy a stiff drink too. (Sidebar: One huge plus to living in 1968... the coolest race cars in history).

So who can blame Smirnoff for riding the wave of kookiness by landing a deal with Austrian fashion commandant Rudi Gernreich? Who-ey Gern-who?Yeah, I know. I had to look him up, too. He was born in Austria and fled to the U.S. in 1938 because of Those Darn Nazis. Gernreich was initally a dancer, getting into fashion through fabric design. It sounds like life under the Third Reich would have been kind of rough for him. So, 10 out of 10 for good thinking goes to Gernreich.

In space, no one can hear you fabulous.

Gernreich does deserve some credit for designing the costumes for Space 1999, my favorite vision of the squeaky clean vaccu-formed future that will never exist (along with the first 30 minutes of Star Wars).

Finally allowing his freak flag it's brithright of free flight, he designed whan I'm going to call "art clothes". These are clothes that aren't meant to be worn or functional in any way, but rather are intended to be worn for sixty seconds at a fashion show and then laughed at forty years later. Such clothes are popular among wankers fashion designers and people who worship fashion designers, and nobody else.

Well, almost nobody else. Can it be a coincidence that Gernreich, professional fashion fop, not only designed the kind of highly recyclable aluminized fashions that World's Ugliest Woman and total Dick-Tater Muammar Gaddafi prefers, but also slightly kind of really looks like him a lot in this ad?

Why does the harmless twin always die first?

Yep. Coincidence. They were alive at the same time. Gernreich died in 1985. So no, they're not the same person, but Gaddafi got all his hand-me-downs. Either they were brothers or Gaddafi was first in line at the Gernreich estate sale.

Art clothes make up the subject matter of  75% of the programming on Bravo, the alternative lifestyle network. The popularity of such shows as Maximum Fashion Slap-Fight and Argumentative Panzy Battle stand in stark contrast to the negligible relevance of clothes that look like lamp shades. There are still loads of people trying to out-ridiculous each other's fashions, but they're important only to each other.

As futuristic as Gernreich was trying to be, here we are in the future and nobody wears metallic fedoras. Jeans are still the pants of favor, and the one creature that does wear purple curtains is currently worth about a quarter in the global death pool.

Kooking Kornir - Expanded Meat Foam Extrusion Sandwich.

Today, let's make a lunch to satisfy the appetite of your brawniest lumberjack or other homo-erotic stereotype! Build your viking an expanded meat foam extrusion sandwich! He'll be deconstructing it for days!

Begin by pulverizing two pounds of animal meat. Distill the meat slurry into a monomer using the enzyme of your choice. (For some great articles on this season's most popular enzymes, see the article in last month's Better Homes "Enzymes, Copolymers and the Hungry Family).

Allow the resulting monomer to oxidize overnight in a vacuum chamber, forming a jelly (meat-a-styroloxyd). Morning is the time to mix in the pickle fragments and seasoning before long carbon chains can form. We always like a little horse radish and cumin, but always trust your taste!

Mix in 1/2 cup of Kraft hydrocarbon expanding agent. Keep cool until you're ready for the extrusion procedure. Pour the oxyd into a holding vessel and prepare your extrusion apparatus. Choose a die in the approximate shape of a slice of bread. Why? Don't forget, you're making a sandwich! Adjust the extrusion pressure to 75 psi for beef. Working with pork? 50psi should do the trick! Vole requires much less pressure (15psi) or the mixture will atomize, wrecking your lunch and necessitating evacuation in a 300 yard perimeter.

Pour the meat oxyd into the extruder and set the steam temperature to 200 degrees. This will cause the expanding agent to boil, softening the meat and causing it to expand. Timing is critical at this stage. Using the pressure described above, force the expanding meat through the die. The meat foam should expand and polymerize as it emerges from the die, assuming the delicious shape of your lunch. Allow to cool and stabilize. Don't stomp or it will fall! Stare with caution.

Slice and serve between two slices of brown. Our serving suggestion is flanked by tomato microcubes and lettuce. Also put some mustard.

Lunch construction complete! Consume!

Donna and Walter - Love in the weeds.

Joke #1 - "So! Donna! I knew I'd find you here! ...but I didn't know you'd be with the same tree that stole my virginity, too."

Joke #2 - "Oh, Walter, it's just not going to work. We're from two different worlds. I'm only nine feet tall, and the rules of perspective indicate that you must be at least fifteen feet tall...or maybe standing in a shopping cart..."

Joke #3 - "Donna! What a pleasant surprise! You know, this is just how we had our first kiss, remember? I had gone into the woods to urinate, and I found you holding a flower..."

Joke #4 - "Oh, Walter. This day is perfect. So enchanting. You and me, together in the Cook County forest preserve. And look! We've just found the first murder victim of spring together!"

Joke #5 - "You know, Donna, there's something I've been wanting to ask you. That's why I've crept up behind you in the forest on one knee.

Joke #6 - "Oh, Walter, it's just not going got work. We're from two different worlds. You like underbrush, but I like foliage. You see? Please try to understand."

Joke #7 comes from Craig Craigson. Thanks Craig! "Donna thought Walter loved her only for her body, but it was her sweater he lusted for. "

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Borden's Products - Elmer begins.

So here's another ad featuring Borden's monstrous cow-human. This time Elmer is flying solo. It's about the same age as the other Borden's ads we've posted, but you'd think it was conceived before the other ads, because Borden hadn't elaborated on the concept of their cow mascot into a whole family of freaks just yet. But nope. Same age.

Here's Elmer teaching us all about the other great products made by Borden. You know, the dairy guys? Well, apparently running a diary corporation didn't keep them busy enough, and one day a guy says "I have a great idea for a hose". Is it really that surprising that a company whose success was built on cows decided to produce fertilizer along the way?

Well, it was Borden's other endeavors that led to the disfigurement of Elmer, due to a face full of pressurized acid. It was probably a chemical used in the production of vinyl for Borden's line of garden hoses. Elmer's face was melted, running down his neck to form the strange labial mess we see in this picture.

It reflects well on the Borden corporation that they let him keep his job as corporate spokesmonster. Perhaps it was an attempt to persuade him not to press charges? Maybe the marketing people thought it made him seem more "real"? Maybe Elmer was just that good at selling. A real pro.

P.S. Can we assume that the fertilizer spreader is full of Elmer's dumps? I mean, why would a cow buy fertilizer?

Hauptstadt der DDR - Danz Danz Reffolution

Postcard time, once again. This one is really cool probably because there's something wrong with me. Why are the buildings and structures of old East Germany appealing to me. An affinity for Brutalist architecture is something one does not brag about. The name Brutalist architecture sounds like an epithet that one would be tarred and feathered with, very much against one's will. You don't embrace the word. It's like saying "Have you tried having a prolapsed anus? Oh, you should. It's the best! In fact, I'm a prolapsed anus booster!"

But here I sit, admiring the clean, geometric simplicity and straight lines to be found in buildings beyond the iron curtain. I like the super tall street daisy lamps, and the merciless rectangles of buildings that could take a chunk out of your shin if you tripped on them. I like the communication tower that looks like an olive on a toothpick. I promise you, each of those buildings was filled with telephones that were olive green and weighed twelve pounds.

This postcard, if it were in color, and filmed in Supermarionation, would make a great set for The Thunderbirds., with the addition of some cars with too many wheels and a conveyor belt sky for shooting the chase scenes.

That Disney  concert hall designed by Frank Gehry? I frikkin hate the thing. I want to beat it up. I don't like swirly wave shapes that don't know what direction they want to go in. Usually they go nowhere. It looks like a smashed cake. Therefore, I am an inhuman  monster.

 So, I can look forward to more and more public structures that make my stomach turn, as more and more modern buildings are torn down to make room for them. I get what I deserve, because I am a terrible person for liking awful things. Shield your eyes, I may take on other forms.

Kiss and tell. Barb and Vance.

Joke #1 - "Why, yes, that is a crayon in my pocket. But I AM glad to see you... honest!"

Joke #2 - "But I thought that was YOUR hand."

Joke #3 - "This moment is almost perfect, Trent. Oh, Trent, Trent, Trent. Why can't your name be Trent?"

Joke #4 - "There's something you need to understand about me, Barbara. I'm not like the other gir- uuh, BOYS!"

Joke #5 - "There. Can I borrow the car NOW, mom?"

Joke #6 - "this just isn't going to work, Vance. We're from two different worlds. I'm from L.A. and you're from wherever you said. I'm a personal shopper and you're that thing you do. I like retail and you like being together."

Joke #7 comes from Sue. Thanks Sue! - "Altoid?" 

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The Gospel according to Kneel.

Joke #1 - "You mean that guy's coming BACK? Oh no..."

Joke #2 - ... and until he found out who sawed the legs off the altar, Father Vosfon would kneel to read, letting the guilt tear the parish apart.

Joke #3 - "Ah! Here it is! 'Pederast: A man who has sex, usually sodomy, with a boy as... the... passive ... partner...' Uh oh."

Joke #4 - "Vow of POVERTY? I thought it was 'property'! God dammit! Get the Vatican on the horn, stat!"

Joke #5 - "'... and they brought down their pantaloons, and didst they mightily spank one another, for they were naughty, and it was good.' This has been a reading from the book of Saint Lascivious, and I cannot stand up for a while. Let us now sing hymn number six; 'Your thighs are like two gazelles'."

Joke #6 - "Oooo, this is getting good. 'You've been a part of my plan all along, Harry. You're a parselmouth, just like me. Did you think this was coincidence? he rasped...' "

Joke #7 - "Brother Maynard, please refrain from covering your face during the reading of the Scary Beatitudes. They're not the 'Terrifying Beatitudes' for chrissakes."

Joke #8 is from Sue. Thanks, Sue! "Oh, Father Dunne SOOO won't be able to tell I'm sleeping!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Vaseline Hair Tonic - You seem to have some male in your hair.

Wet look. Dry look. They oscillate pretty regularly every few months. In 1967, the "wet look" was in, and Vaseline was there to help you with their hair tonic, which "Brings out the male in your hair... naturally". The bottle proclaims that "every drop fights dryness." Wow. Vaseline REALLY doesn't like the dry look. And why would they? Vaselines fortunes are built on products made from oil.

Are you the kind of man with male in your hair? Read this intense casino drama and find out. Click through the picture for increased bigness.

Would you have the moxie to spot the cheating dealer? Would you have the gumption to call him out in front of a crowd?

Would you have the maleness to save a young woman (who looks forty-six and is wearing my aunt's hair) from almost certain hornswagglery and make sexiness at her? Would you have the Vaseline to drag that crooked dealer into the foyer and rectally violate him with a hat rack? With Vaseline Hair Tonic in your hair, you're damn right you would.

But wait! What if the dealer also has Vaseline Hair Tonic maleness in his hair? He could make for one tough customer as well. His hair, while not as dreamfully laminated as the Hero's, is definitely not dry.

I dunno. He looks pretty sheepish. He knows the jig is up. He's not very "maleness". His hair must be wearing ordinary mayonnaise. He'll lose the hat rack fight. He'll lose his job at the Scamboat Casino and Lounge. And most importantly, he won't wake up in the morning next to the exhausted form of Maude, slip back into his wrinkled tux and sneak out the door with her pillow stuck to the back of his head. What a loser.

Decorating Ideas 1971 - Stick it to me!

What's that? "Not more decorating help from The Seventies!"? That's right! More decorating help from The Seventies! Today's tips are for those without the energy or facility to cut things or use a hammer. Like they said on Popular Variety Show Of That Era, "Stick it to me!" or whatever!

TAPE WALL

If you've been wondering how your friends have been getting that :"I have tape" look in their decorating, try this exciting fireplace accent wall! Materials: 1. Tape.

Step 1 - First, look at the wall and try to imagine what it would look like with a bunch of tape on it. Keep imagining until you almost reconsider and spend the afternoon doing something else. You're ready to begin.

Step 2 - Start applying tape to the edges of the wall. This will help you understand what a straight line looks like. Once you've got the hang of it, venture out into the middle of the wall with your tape, trying to keep it straight. Then keep it diagonal. Do some small exes and boxes.

Note: Choose the brand of tape carefully. Some brands of masking tape may contain an adhesive that can break down when exposed to excessive heat, say, from an open flame or perhaps fireplace. This may exude strange fumes that could alter your consciousness, clouding your judgement.

Step 3 (optional) - If you're feeling really ambitious, give your tape wall a focal point by putting up a shelf with an ostrich statue, to remind everyone about the country or something. If you're not so ambitious, have your neighbor do it for you. Tell him/her that no, you don't want to peel all that tape off first.

Just imagine your next key party...

Friend: "I love how you cleverly masked off a pattern on this wall and then painted around it, subsequently peeled off the tape, leaving this striking modern design."

You: "Ha ha! No, I'm less clever than that. I put tape on the wall!"

SHEET MUSIC PIANO

If you've got a perfectly good piano rattling around your house, why not wallpaper it with sheet music? Materials: 1. Perfectly good piano. 2. Sheet music. 3. wallpaper paste.

Step 1 - Look at your piano and try to notice that it is made of squares. Choose some of these squares for covering with destroyed sheet music. A libretto from an Italian opera or rare copy of a Brandenburg concert is as good as anything else. What else are you going to do with it?

Step 2 - Liberally besmear your piano with wallpaper adhesive. If you don't have a brush, you can use a cat. Or if you're really thinking, turn the piano on it's side and just pour the glue on. If you're "actually really" thinking, you won't do this, because when you flip the piano over to do a different side, the glue will run all over. But, you're probably not thinking that hard. So, just flip the thing over and regret it later.

Step 3 - Apply your soon-to-be worthless sheet music to the various panels of your piano using an uncertain sticking motion. Try to re-position the music using a futile re-positioning type of motion. Then, frown at your work using a disappointed regretting type of motion.

Step 4 - Try to trim off any excess sheet music using an X-Acto knife, while failing to note the irony that this is pretty much the least exacting thing the knife will ever be used for. After trying to trim the excess music, give up and wash your hands.

After completing the project, you may notice two things. 1: The glue and paper prevent some of the sound from escaping the piano. This is probably okay, considering what you've just done is not the act of a music fan. 2: Poorly adhered edges of the paper will buzz and rattle when the piano is played. This is okay for the same reason. Enjoy the consequences of your actions.

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Decorating Ideas 1971 - Boy's room: Self fulfilling prophecy.

More help from our friend The Seventies today. Today he wants to help you "boy up" an otherwise featureless white room... with minimal time, money, and give-a-damn-ness.

Step 1 - Start with a plain white room with a curious number of closets. Ideally, every vertical surface in the house should be a closet door for some reason. If your house is not like this, then stop and go do something else. Your instincts may tell you to start by painting the room some kind of interesting color. Your instincts are wrong. Leaving the room white will make it easier to redecorate once the boy is sent off to juvenile detention.

Step 2 - Boys like stripes, right? Cars have stripes. At least, the fast ones do. So, some vertical stripes will help those closet doors look more racy. Be sure to measure the width and spacing of the stripes carefully before painting. Since you're living in 1971, the stripes will be perfectly irregular by the time you get done with them.

Step 3 - Paint your stripes. Make some red for racyness and some black, to remind your boy what life will be like behind bars, when he's inevitably arrested for possession of whatever he finds in your dresser.

Step 4 - Time for a car-llage! As any interior designer can tell you, boys liks cars. Not any particular kind of car. Just anything with wheels. So, instead of choosing two-page foldouts of carefully chosen exotics displayed in reverent admiration, just cut out a bunch of car pictures and throw them on the wall all crazy-like. See, decorating a wall in the style of a multi-car pileup will scare him straight. Filling his young mind with images of chaos and destruction assure he will grow up a safe driver with no tendencies towards vehicular manslaughter or reckless endangerment at all. Also, this imagery will help him imagine his first and only full time job as a scrap yard attendant. Who cares about cars anyway? We've got interiors to design!

Step 5 - Woops! We're done! See how easy that was? Throw some books on the desk, and don't forget the scissors. He'll need those to hollow out the books for hiding his stash. Make it easy for him to choose an obvious hiding place. That way, you'll always know where to steal back the drugs he stole from you. It's the circle of life.

Decorating Ideas 1971 - Beer can Table. You can't spell class without "ass".

Thanks to our good friend, The Seventies, we can bring you these fun and sophisticated decorating ideas for your rumpus room, guest room, or basement "murder hole". Hooray for the national lapse in judgement that was The Seventies!

BEER CAN TABLE - But don't drink it!

Who loves beer? That's right. Everyone from the lowliest toddler to the mightiest carnival attendant loves the sweet wisdom granted by Budweiser, Brown Derby, Schlitz, Miller, Falstaff, Storz and Michelob. Use that wisdom to make a coffee table that shows the world how much you love to drink and make subsequent decisions about your life with this beer can coffee table. Before you can do any of that you have to build it. here's how:

Step one: Ride your Schwinn Sting-Ray down to your local beer shoppe and buy a 147-pack of assorted beers. Note that the Schwinn Sting-Ray was built solid enough that, if you need to, you can just ride it straight through the front of the store, in case your beer table project takes place after business hours.

Step two: On the ride home, drink your 147-pack. The next morning, climb out of the drainage ditch you wheelied the Sting-Ray into, being careful not to dent any of your cans. If you were thinking ahead, you would have bought a few extra as backups in case of damage. However, a project like this is not for those who are into forethought.

Step three: arrange the cans in a rough cube using your hands and possibly fingers. Epoxy the cans into position using Epoxy. Stand outdoors until the Epoxy on your hands has dried. This will avoid a "permanent finger moustache", and should take twelve hours. Also during this time, the cans should be drying. Use this time to consider all the decisions you have ever made.

Step Four: Have a grownup cut a 24-inch square sheet of 1/2 inch Plexiglass, using a 24-inch square Plexiglass sheet cutter. First, acquire a sheet of 1/2 inch Plexiglass from the beer shoppe / crime scene. This material can be found near the cash register, mounted between the counter and ceiling, with a little grill in the center for shouting threats. If necessary, use the remaining Sting-Ray to knock the Plexiglass loose. Make your escape. Try to use a section of the Plexiglass without any bullet holes or Sting-Ray blemishes.  Note: The Plexiglass may be as thick as an inch or more. In this case, you'll need to slice the Plexiglass horizontally into two 1/2 inch thick sheets using some kind of wonder tool that doesn't exist yet. This may be impossible. Just use the sheet no matter how thick it is.

Step five: Place Plexiglass sheet on beer can cube using your Plexiglass Manipulation and Positioning Apparatus.

Step Five: Stare in admiration at the wonder you have created. Optional: shout "woo".

Step Six: Answer the door with your hands in the air.

Decorating with Tile - Splatterproof ideas.

Tired of that ho-hum kitchen but don't know what to do about it and you're out of ideas but you have access to a car and some money and you own a computer and you're looking at this blog? We've all been there! Time to freshen up your kitchen with tile! Brought to you by the Tile Advisory Board. "Tile! It's what's flat and shiny!"

If you own a tile saw or have incriminating photographs of someone who does, you can add some zazz to your kitchen with artful mosaics depicting the drudgery of women through history.

Remind yourself that you're a woman and you belong right where you are, in food-related servitude. Caring for chickens. Holding baskets. Wearing aprons. It's all part of the rich tapestry of your heritage... unless something funny were to find it's way into the food, and the Man of the House were to meet with a curious end, giving you your freedom. Perish the thought! Just be careful with that fugu, ladies!

Also, be reminded you are Marge Simpson.





If you're like me - and aren't we all? - you're tired of spending months scouring baked-on grease from your ceiling after and ordinary flapjack breakfast. Until now!

You've seen ceiling tiles before. Well, these are tiles you can put on your ceiling! Your guests will never know what to expect from your oven when you keep them guessing with ideas like this!

Beautiful and easy to clean, these acrylic tiles shrug off jam, gravy, compote, and turkeys with "a-plum"... wups! I mean "aplomb"! Ha ha! No more long nights on the scaffolding with a mop for you! Tile your ceiling and make an attractive end of the mess! Also a grand idea for gravity inversion zones!

Also, consider carpeting your windows or for that Salvador Dali flair that's so popular among the "interesting crowd".

Huffy Wheel - Unsafe at any speed.

Kids' bikes have always imitated the vehicles of adulthood. In the fifties it was airplanes, due to the excitement of "the jet age". Also, bikes often had "gas tanks" that housed the batteries for the light, or maybe an electric horn. In the late sixties and early seventies, it was mostly cars and motorcycles. In my mind, Huffy always made the nuttiest gimmick bikes, like this thing: The Huffy Wheel.

Huffy likes to call themselves "America's first bike". This isn't a badge of quality. Huffys are the first bike any kid gets because K-Mart stocked little else and they were so cheap as to be disposable.

Huffys were shit. Frames were  welded together with uneven, messy beads that looked like metal boogers. Parts that should be cast or forged were stamped out of sheet metal, and the mouth-breathing staffers at K-Mart ensured that each Huffy was assembled and adjusted with the expertise that it deserved, which is none. Even if the parts were all screwed on the right way around, the bike would still be a rickety death trap because of the rock-bottom price point.

Check it out! It has a steering wheel like a car! Unlike a car, the steering doesn't self-center, so you'd have to look down to see where you were pointing the thing. Handlebars don't need visual reference to tell where they're aimed.

This steering wheel is like another of my favorite all-time shitty inventions: the perfectly round Apple mouse from the 1999-era Macintoshes. It was rotationally symmetrical, so you couldn't feel with your hand where it was pointing. You had to either look down or do "test wiggles" to see where your cursor moved. Well done, Steve. That's what I call "insanely great".

The Huffy Wheel also has a "drag brake", which is kind of like a parking brake on a car, maybe? Your car's parking brake only stops the rear wheels, which means that, if you're eighteen, you can use it to make lots of noise and possibly kill yourself. The Huffy Wheel has a normal coaster brake (push pedals backwards to stop) and a nutty "drag brake" down between your legs, which also stops the rear wheel for some reason, but with the added benefit of having only one hand on the steering when you use it. This way, you'll be off balance when your weight is thrown forward by a nice hard wheel lock, and you're pretty likely to lay the thing down with a pedal jammed into your ribs (unless, of course, the brake doesn't work well enough to do anything which is almost surely the case because it's a Huffy bought from K-Mart). Squealy tire noise or elbow full of gravel. Both are pretty cool.

The product shot shows the bike in midair, or maybe doing a wheelie. I wouldn't recommend doing either on a Huffy, unless you're goofy enough to want a bike with a steering wheel, in which case you get what you deserve.

Mallory Hats - Make like a reporter and get one.

This ad from Collier's magazine seems like nothing much, until your eyes get to the bottom. Mallory chose, as their serving suggestion, a reporter! This is the kind of exciting life you could lead if only you had the right hat: the Mallory Starlite!

Hats are kind of an anachronism. They're generally only worn by old men whose fashion sense is carried over from their youth. Yes, there is a bit of a resurgence in popularity among urban hipsters, but hats are, not to put too fine a point on it, finished. I don't wear one unless it's a knit hat for winter or some kind of hilarious thing worn just long enough for a joke to come off well.

As a mere peripheral hat owner (ranging from "fishing" to "fez"), I believe the one in the picture is a fedora. Cue the hat pedants to correct my hat ignorance with indignant fury.

So, this ad seems to tell us that if only we had a Mallory Starlite, we could own a tie, and maybe one day dream of being some kind of reporter. Just think of it, asking a tearful woman how it feels to have her husband burn down, and could she please repeat that because you couldn't quite make that out, what with all her blubbering, ma'am. These kinds of insightful questions are made insightfuler from under the 360-degree soffit of a Mallory Starlite.

Also, there's this nice instructional drawing demonstrating the proper hat-feeling method. See? This is how you feel a hat. Now you try. There. Now you have felt the difference in a Mallory.

Either the man is a reporter, or he's writing something on his notepad that's so interesting it simply must be filmed. Like, maybe he's drawing a really good flip book of how he thinks the crime was committed? "See, the guy was blocking the door and so the robber was all 'pkow pkow pkowww! ans the blood went 'bluueehhh' all over the sidewalk." Yeah, probably a reporter. An animation hat is totally different.