12/21/17
12/20/17
12/19/17
12/15/17
12/13/17
12/12/17
Galleon Kids.
Joke #2 - "There she is, kids. Right beautiful, in't she? Get yourselves belowdecks and prepare the guns. Tonight, the wind will be filled with the screams of skee-ball buskers and, if we're lucky, Chuck E. Cheese 'imself."
Joke #3 - These pirates weren't so bad after all. Although he sometimes missed his family, Carl was glad he had been whisked away on a bloodthirsty whirlwind adventure by Captain Jimmy and Captain Charlotte.
[Commenter jokes will be added to the post. -Mgmt.]
12/11/17
12/8/17
Up Your Decor - There's always room for decorating!!!!!!!!!
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| First off, we have this adorably rustic room of some kind made of beams so roughly hewn that it's obvious the hewers didn't even have time to make them non-roughly hewn! So damn rustic! Then come the ladies of the hovel, in their identical gingham frocks, to soften up the place with that age-old hovel-softener, RUFFLES! Couldn't you just eat them up? These fashion-backward window treatments just shriek of the endearingly closed-minded world view of the old west! Why not add some of that to your house today! Ruffle that shit, man! |
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| Maybe you think your kitchen is small? Well, shut up! This cozy country kitchen has made extra space for decorating... on the ceiling! An ordinary brain would think that there's not much room for wallpaper in here, but that brain is an idiot! Just looooook up!!!!! That's right! Ceilingpaper! Now don't you feel boring for not having a bright checkered wallpaper on your ceiling??! Of course you do! You're boring! Stop being so boring! |
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| This groovy couple has found their spirit animal! Yellow! They covered their walls and floor with the spirit animal, and accented it with red and blue! My kingdom for a primary color scheme! Their frikkin' CLOTHES complete the color scheme! Now they have to wear those sweaters every day forever! |
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| Ooooooo, and what's this? Mister and missus Primary have included Poitra Kleebtp's seminal oil-on-canvas "I Am Too Tired To Paint Today, But Give Me Money Anyway" in the room ensemble! Very tasteful! |
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| Who doesn't want to evoke the atmosphere of old Morocco in their kitchen? No one wants to not do that! That's who! With flooring like this, you'll want to cram all your furniture into the corner so your family can wander the boundless expanses of green and orange vinyl in search of the Maltese Falcon or something! Don't you want to join them? Don't even answer, because you do! The latticed dividers give the illusion of privacy while the latticed dividers, in delightful counterpoint, offer no privacy at all! Such counterpoint! What's in those enormous urns on the side board? Hash! Viva oo la la! Where's my fez?!?! |
12/7/17
Mimeograph - Heeyyyyyy, huffin' copies!
Ow!!! My frikkin' pen tool! Okay, you better appreciate this. It's another ad from a 1935 issue of Fortune magazine - the daily news for the guy on the Monopoly cards.
Mimeographs. If you're Of A Certain Age, you'll recall that, before photochopiers were cheap,reliable, or even existed, if you wanted a duplicate of a document, you had a Mimeograph machine in your office. They printed in purple, for some reason (or, at least the one at my grammar school did), the copies came out really warm, and while they cooled, you could smell the solvent evaporating from the ink. When the teacher handed out new, uuh, "handouts", as she called them, you could whiff the solvent, and for some reason, most kids enjoyed that smell. It was probably benzine or something that slowly causes drain bamage or something. Anyway, muy broin forls foine..... guh.
So, yeah. Mimeograph.
Anyway, this ad is all about decorative frames and ornaments. Something like that could come in handy down the road. It had damn well BETTER, after all the selecting and pen tooling it took to extract the elements for harvesting. You're goddam welcome!
Mimeographs. If you're Of A Certain Age, you'll recall that, before photochopiers were cheap,reliable, or even existed, if you wanted a duplicate of a document, you had a Mimeograph machine in your office. They printed in purple, for some reason (or, at least the one at my grammar school did), the copies came out really warm, and while they cooled, you could smell the solvent evaporating from the ink. When the teacher handed out new, uuh, "handouts", as she called them, you could whiff the solvent, and for some reason, most kids enjoyed that smell. It was probably benzine or something that slowly causes drain bamage or something. Anyway, muy broin forls foine..... guh.
So, yeah. Mimeograph.
Anyway, this ad is all about decorative frames and ornaments. Something like that could come in handy down the road. It had damn well BETTER, after all the selecting and pen tooling it took to extract the elements for harvesting. You're goddam welcome!
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| Click for 1600 px. |
12/6/17
12/5/17
12/4/17
Pointy Tree Day Gift Tags... again!!!! Easy lazy jerk reposted existing content post .
Everybody loves those mornings when you don't have to scramble to try and think of something funny at six in the goddam a.m., am I right, people? Here are our free Pointy Tree Day gift tags for you to print and put on your gifts and probably explain to your baffled family! Hooray!
PTD gift tag FAQ:
Q: "Are these new ones?"
A: Nope! Sure aren't!
Q: "Aren't these the same ones from a couple of years ago, and probably a few years before that?"
A: Boy, are they! 100% completely recycled post-consumer content!
Q: "Isn't that kind of lazy?"
A: You bet! You're welcome
Q: "Uuh, I didn't thank you."
A: That's okay! You're welcome!
Q: "Are you even listening to me?"
A: Shut up! You're welcome!
PTD gift tag FAQ:
Q: "Are these new ones?"
A: Nope! Sure aren't!
Q: "Aren't these the same ones from a couple of years ago, and probably a few years before that?"
A: Boy, are they! 100% completely recycled post-consumer content!
Q: "Isn't that kind of lazy?"
A: You bet! You're welcome
Q: "Uuh, I didn't thank you."
A: That's okay! You're welcome!
Q: "Are you even listening to me?"
A: Shut up! You're welcome!
12/1/17
Up Your Decor - 1975- The kids are all right?
Ah hahahahahahahahaha! Only joking! Let's totally redecorate your children's growthspace, okay!
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| Your little Michael Yorkling will be so frikkin' nurtured in this truly butch bedroom loft, he won't know what nurtured him! The secret bedshelf hides under a folding panel so that he can deny the fact that he ever sleeps, because sleep is for the weak! Why sleep when you can be decorating? |
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| Whoa! Who's got a hungry little brain? Little Yorkie has finished his homework and is about to enjoy a nice little bedtime snack: Marmite ketchup milk! And what's that stacked up there all in a stack? Questionably candid photos? Of course not! Those are his perfectly reasonable photos, now don't ever ask about them! |
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| Little Michael's sporting the season's most happening hairstyle, parted at the ear, so it won't get messed up when he runs super fast sideways. That's smart, Mike! Who's a smart little Logan's Run fan? Everyone will be so jealous when you make your debut at Carousel in eighteen years! |
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| Why, "dots" a very nice bedroom imaginarium your mom and dad built for you, isn't it! The ladder is for going up and the pole is for sliding down, to keep traffic in and out of bed flowing smoothly! Plus, the pole is great training for all sorts of jobs in the future! Firefighter, and...uuh... firefighter, for example! Dream big, little dot dwellers! |
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| Let's celebrate the Nation's upcoming bicentennial with this orange and brown teenager's groove hole! Ooooooo! who's a super-serious student, learning all about various countries and how to purchase them! The balalaika says "where's the vodka", but the guitar says "...mixed with coke". So continental! Look at that typewriter! "Dear The Nineteenth Century, How are you? whatever you have is stupid, because you're not in nineteen seventy-five." Ha ha ha ha ha! Why, Oliver Twist would kill himself if he knew you had a bedroom like this! Tee hee! |
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| So artsy! This print is from Marcel Wurzt's fourteen-photograph cycle, "Hey baby". |
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| What the shag is going on in here, huh? If you have to ask, shut up! This hyperhappy playnook features five-inch nap supershag carpet that you could just lose yourself in! We can perch on the daybed amongst the beaming faces of our toys and just wait to see who wanders out of the shag! |
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| .... And the window shade shows us the last known photographs of all the people known to have lost themselves in the carpet! Maybe they'll turn up some day? That's the spirit! And when they do, they'll definitely be super-duper happy! How could they not be? Mom, brother, sister, and the barber are probably all having a giddy jamboree down there in the sunshine fiberjungle. Kinda makes you want to join them, huh? Well, you better just re-emerge for my next decorating feature, you bastard! |
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