P.A.G. Pointy Tree Day Gift Tags - Yep! Same old tags!

These are our "classic" Pointy Tree Day gift tags, meaning they're 100% post-consumer recycled internet waste! That means you can feel great about staring at them, knowing that the calories we burned to make them up way back in 2015 are the same calories we used to repost them today! That's like mulch for your brain! So beneficial! So lazy. Mmmmmm, lazy.

And, best of all, when you give gifts covered in P.A.G. Pointy Tree Day gift-taggery, you're pretty much guaranteed to have the entire holiday season all to yourself next year!

You're welcome!

Pointy Tree Day Card - 2021 Announcement

 

No, Your Musical Christmas Display Isn't Too Loud, Why? - Mimus Ferglanden

 

Thunderbirds - Give or Take a Million S2E6

<<< CRITICAL THUNDERBIRDS CHRISTMAS DATA >>>

Hear ye, hear ye, and also FYI. There is a Pointy Tree Day-themed episode of Thunderbirds that makes for some decent weirdcreepy holiday viewing. If you're an Amazon Prime subscriber, just look for season 2 episode 6, called "Give or Take a Million".

Since Thunderbirds is basically a toy box sprung horrifically to life, it's already pretty Christmassy to start with. A Christmas episode of Thunderbirds, even more so. You're not chicken, are you?

Lazy annual post of this type - Pointy Tree Day Gift Tags!

As we all prepare for Annual Gluttony Day, and as we gird our collective loins for Seasonal Retail Atrocity Day, I think it's only proper that we keep in mind the real reason for the holidays: buying stuff for people and hoping they don't judge us for getting something they hate and thinking we're a terrible friend / sibling / parent / romantic partner / spouse / stalker.

So, now comes the time when everyone here at GO! Tower wish you and your family the most financially brutal Seasonal Retail Atrocity Day possible. To make the ordeal slightly less horrible to trudge through, please take comfort in the fact that it's stupid to buy cutesy tags to stick on all your Pointy Tree Day gifts, when we have tags right here for you that are better in every way than the maudlin crap at the store... except that you have to cut them apart yourself after you print them. Oh yeah, and you have to print them. But they're free, at least. Jeez, whattaya want for nothin'? A rubber biscuit?

2019 Pointy Tree Day Card Get!!!!111oneoneone

Pointy Tree Day Card FAQ:

Q: "How the hell can I get my Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card?
A: It couldn't be easier! Just send us your addre- Q: "TELL ME HOW!!! NOW NOW NOW!"
A: Hey, shut up and let me finish, spaz. Send us your address. That's it. PhilAreGo@gmail.com
Q: My actual mailing address? How do I know you're not going to stalk me?
A: You don't, but how do I know you're fascinating enough to stalk? Besides, we're all too busy here at Go Plaza to bother with stalking people. Look, if it's really that important to you, email us an outline explaining why your lifestyle is so interesting that we'd want to sit in the bushes and stare in your windows. If you're really that great, we'll try and get someone out to your house to glance in your direction, but no promises. We've got stuff to do, man. Jeez, narcissist much? If you think we have the time to sit in an unmarked van across the street from your house, you are probably grossly overestimating the interestingness of your life, and also the amount of free time we have here at GO! Tower. If you're that paranoid, give us your work address, or the address of someone you know. We don't care.

Q: Free? Yeah, right.
A: That's technically not a question. But yeah. Free. Crazy, huh?

Q: I'm a-scared. Can't you just email it to me?
A: That's lame. No.

Q: How many different Pointy Tree Day Card versions are there?
A: A bunch of different ones.

Q: Can I pick which of the ones I get?
A: Nope. A one will be chosen by our Officer of Randomness and sent to you.

Q: If I collect all the versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card from way long ago, will they be valuable some day?
A: Sure. Why not? Go nuts. All you have to do is live forever to prove it.

Q: Can I get one of each of the ones? I want them all!
A: Don't be greedy.

Q: Free? What's the catch?
A: Alaskan salmon in butter lemon sauce with summer squash and a side salad. Also, there isn't one.

Q: Are these just leftovers from last year's cards? Or the year before?
A: How dare you. And no, they're not. All of the ones feature an image we've posted over the past year.

Q: Why do I want one of your stupid holiday cards?
A: Good question. I dunno. Because they're free and possibly funny?
Q: Will this year's card contain any "post-consumer content"?
A: Eew. No. Sicko.

Q: Is the card going to be funny?
A: Hopefully. Especially if you make a little puppet out of it and make it tell jokes.*

*Jokes told with a Phil Are GO! Pointy tree Day Card Puppet are the responsibility of the Pointy Tree Day Card recipient and the Pointy Tree Day Card puppeteer. Phil Are GO! denies responsibility for any content recited by the Pointy Tree Day Card Puppet.

Christmas shit.

Scotch Tape - Holds together Christmas!

Hey everybody! Tape! You know what Christmas? Tape! Everybody must have tape! Tape tape tape! Tape is required! All must tape! Tapetapetapetapetapetape!

This ad from the 12/18/1950 issue of LIFE magazine is here to help you figure out what to do with all that tape your bought for unrelated reasons. Use it to Christmas! First among tape's many uses that you would never figure out on your own is making a "friendship tree"!!! That's right! "What the hell is a friendship tree?" Well, first you start by friendshipfully killing a tree and dragging it into your house. To find out the rest, just tilt your eyeballs downward slightly!

**Service announcement**
This two-page ad has been scanned in two parts, because Google doesn't let you post pictures larger than 1600px in their longest dimension. So, instead of a single image 1600px across, we have posted two pages, each 1600px high. So now, you might have a chance of reading the text in the ad, if that's what you're into. See? Always thinking of YOU! That's our motto or whatever! If you printed these pictures out and are trying to reassemble them in the form of the original ad, here's a hint to solving the jigsaw puzzle. The page with Bing on it goes on the left. You're welcome!

[-Mgmt.]

If you follow Scotch's advice about how to Christmas, you'll use about nine dollars in Scotch tape per gift. Use it as ribbon! Use it instead of wrapping paper! Tape your lights to the tree! Use it to keep your eyes open while assembling a bike at 3am in total silence! Then there's your friendship tree thing, which means taping cards to your Christmas tree! What's in the roast turkey instead of stuffing? Tape, idiot! If the Scotch marketing department had had their way, every American family would simply forgo the gift-giving tradition altogether and just spend their entire annual income on tape and just sit around sticking things together.

Hey. I just thought of this. Why weren't there any tapecentric Christmas carols written by Scotch's marketing department? Missed opportunity, guys. They really dropped the ball and taped it to the floor on that one.

Maybe you feel like listening to an ancient Bing Crosby family Christmas radio show? Okay, here. Have that.

https://youtu.be/Bcp8dyys8Ok

Up Your Decor - CHRISTMAS TREEEEES!!!!!!!!!

Hey, decorators! It's Christmas time! Do you know what that means? That's right! It means it's Christmas time!!!! Let's get your stupid crap of a house looking ship-shape for a super fab Christmas season! Today! We're helping you with your Christmas tree!

I know you're probably planning on getting a growng-in-the-gound, planty kind of tree, just like always, but you know what? This is 1971! We live in the future! Let's get mod!!!!

I know what you're thinking: "Flowers for Christmas decorations? Vorbia, darling,
are you an idiot or a genius?" Correct! Do you know why? Because it's always
flower season somewhere! Anyway, this golden fake flower Christmas tree was
easily made for under a hundred dollars! Just get a hundred dollars, and go grab
a large punch bowl, and some aquarium gravel, a broomstick and, well, all the
things in the picture. Cram them together so they look like the picture and just like
that you're done! Of course, once you've got a Christmas tree like this in your
living room, you'll want to instruct all your family to only wrap presents in a way
that is color coordinated with your decorating or they'll be thrown away!

Oooooh, so maybe a flower Christmas tree is too conventional for you? I hear
you, and I applaud your fashion-forward Christmas sense! In that case, this
eye-challenging postmodern design is so up-to-date you'll think you're celebrating
Christmas in a dreary Dadaist poem! It's made from coat hangers and nylon mesh
and yellow garland and some electric candles. There's only one thing your family
will love more than putting gifts underneath this po-mo tree, and that's taking them
out from underneath it!

If you're feeling more playful than profound this season,
then you can easily make this fanciful Christmas tree from
colored duct tape! What? You don't have colored duct tape?
Well, go get some and color it! You'll also want another
ever-useful broom handle to hold the whole thing up. And three gold balls. Then, just watch your family stare at your curly Christmas creation!

You're welcome!!!!

Esquire Holiday Buying Guide, 1959

Holiday shoppers, I bet you're stuck for an idea what to shop for your friends and family this Pointy Tree Day. Well, don't worry, because the December 1959 issue of Esquire (the journal of the great American douchebag, as you know), can tell you what to shop. Shop these things! Holiday complete!

This is a toilet. A cup that you dump in. Or possibly just pee. It's got a fur rim. As for how you clean it, or keep from catching dysentery from it when it's been used more than none times, you'll have to ask Lincoln Products. 

You're probably one of those guys who's identity and confidence is completely wrapped up in
his "Guns", right? You know, like that guy on the chopper show that looks like a walrus? The guy who tears the sleeves off of every garment he owns for fear that someone may not know he's got huge arms? Yeah, we could tell. You know how your bath robe is so confining that you can hardly sip your coffee or throw a table at your son without discomfort? You poor thing. Well, this robe has no sleeves. Also, it's got side vents, so everyone can also tell you've got huge sides, apparently.

There's nothing a lady loves more than a gift that implies that her
hands look like a lumberjack's. Buy her this finger dremel tool
and you'll get all the rewards you deserve.

l

Give the gift of music! Or, give the gift of this thing! Let's see... $39.95 in 1959 dollars adjusted for inflation equals, uuh, carry the one, and that comes out to...

Ho-lee shit.

Imperial Whiskey - Pointy Tree Day Graphic GIfts

It's the Just-after-Thanksgiving season, citizens, and you know what that means! It's time to figure out what the hell your Pointy Tree Day card is going to look like. No, not the one you get from us (which, by the way, you can get completely for free like thisaway). Those are all locked, cocked, and ready to rock, so send us your address for a free Pointy Tree Day Card and nothing else.

So, yeah, you might be looking for something to help design your HannuChristmaKwaanzaDan card. We might can help with that. But first, here's a 1950 ad for Imperial. "What the eff is Imperial?" you're probably screaming at your laptop. "The frikkin' margiarine? That's dumb!", you probably continue shouting at the screen. Well, it's a whiskey, which is something you can figure out by squinting at the label on the bottle in the ad. Apparently, in 1950, their brand was something they felt safe in assuming everyone knew. Well, get with it, Imperial! Nobody's heard of....

https://www.thewhiskyexchange.com/b/40/imperial-single-malt-scotch-whisky

Oh. Wups. Uuh, well, anyway, here's the ad.

The cartoon men in this ad are super cranked about Imperial whiskey. Note that "cranked" could be interchangeable with "from buzzed-to-drunk". Oh, how those festive holiday revelers love to evangelize about Imperial whiskey to their neighbors and stuff. It's like they just found out about drinking, they're so excited. Why no ladies in the ad? Because Imperial was going after the super lucrative "Alternative Lifestyle" market in 1950? Heh, yeah. Nah. It's probably because in 1950, whiskey wasn't marketed to women.What did women drink? I dunno. Nectar, from the first posies of dawn, I guess.

Tell you what, though. If some industrious P.A.G. intern were to  pop these guys out of their background and delete the Whiskey (where convenient), you could maybe use these guys for YOUR Pointy Tree Day card, and you could make up whatever narrative you want to explain why these guys are doing their holiday prep work in "guys night out" style.

Hey! Look at that! One of our interns must be bucking for a promotion! These festive chaps are all PNG images on a transparent alpha background, so's you can easily drop them into whatever image you want. You think that was easy? I dunno, maybe it was. Ask the intern.

So maybe you're stuck for an idea what these guys are up to? Fine, we'll help you with that too, your majesty. They're getting together all the presents for their wives. Anything else???? Jeez!

2018 PTD card get!

Pointy Tree Day Gift Tags... again!!!! Easy lazy jerk reposted existing content post .

Everybody loves those mornings when you don't have to scramble to try and think of something funny at six in the goddam a.m., am I right, people? Here are our free Pointy Tree Day gift tags for you to print and put on your gifts and probably explain to your baffled family! Hooray!

PTD gift tag FAQ:

Q: "Are these new ones?"
A: Nope! Sure aren't!

Q: "Aren't these the same ones from a couple of years ago, and probably a few years before that?"
A: Boy, are they! 100% completely recycled post-consumer content!

Q: "Isn't that kind of lazy?"
A: You bet! You're welcome
Q: "Uuh, I didn't thank you."
A: That's okay! You're welcome!
Q: "Are you even listening to me?"
A: Shut up! You're welcome!

Pointy Tree Day Card Get!!!!!

Get card! Have!!!!