Safe deposit box.

Joke #1 - Great, The weirdo who kept old copies of the Sun Times in his safe deposit box was here. If he asked for help with the Jumble one more time, it was time for little Donny to "accidentally" wing his first customer.

Joke #2 - Hmm. That guy was looking at a racing form. Gambling was a sin. Gary felt ready to distribute some divine justice.

Joke #3 - "That's some good guarding posture, son. Soon, you'll be guarding a vault for real, and caressing a real gun, and shooting real people, and making real plea bargains for real slap-on-the-wrist sentences for real administrative leave with pay.

Joke #4 - "Okay, Donny, we'll see what the customer wants together. But, let me do the talking. One more of your expensive misunderstandings and the department will ask me to justify giving a firearm to a nine-year-old.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]

Spot the Joke! - The Saturday Evening Post

Today we present a challenge to the Phil Are GO! Joke-Getting Assault Squad (JGAS), our hand-picked group of the most charitable and sympathetic staffers. Their task? To figure out why these are comics. It sounds easy, but man, nothing could be harder or less funny. Do you think you understand why these comics are comical? See if you can Spot The Joke! The JGAS's analysis is posted after each "uncomic".

Both of today's joke challenges come to us from the April 11, 1953 issue of The Saturday Evening Post.

Theory #1 - The father was going to give the glass of water to one of the other children in the room, thirsty from long months hiding behind a dresser. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The boy is confused that his half-orc father couldn't find him in the dark, using his infravision. This is funny.

Theory #3 - In the morning, the father starts a new job as a flight engineer, and he needs to pass a drug test. The boy assumes that his father is holding a glass of water, intended for him, when in reality it is a urine sample.  This is funny.

Theory #1 - The man is unfamiliar with the popular mid-century suburban children's game of "Random Audit", and thinks this is a real audit. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The man is horrified that his son did not offer to take the visitor's coat - a serious breach of good manners. This is funny.

Theory #3 - The child from the IRS wasn't supposed to come for another week, and the man doesn't have his gambling receipts in order yet. This is funny.

Theory #4 - The man is upset that his son has finally met his exact duplicate, and will have awkward questions for him. This is funny.

Theory #5 - The man is startled to hear that his son not only has a job, but also is being audited by the IRS. This is funny.

Spot the Joke! - The Saturday Evening Post

Today we present a challenge to the Phil Are GO! Joke-Getting Assault Squad (JGAS), our hand-picked group of the most charitable and sympathetic staffers. Their task? To figure out why these are comics. It sounds easy, but man, nothing could be harder or less funny. Do you think you understand why these comics are comical? See if you can Spot The Joke! The JGAS's analysis is posted after each "uncomic".

Both of today's joke challenges come to us from the August 10, 1968 issue of The Saturday Evening Post.

Theory #1 - The weight and fortune telling machine, by necessity, has the power of prescience. It is concerned for the man's feelings, because he is about to bowl the worst game of his life. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The weight and fortune telling machine has information about an imminent terrorist attack on soft targets, such as bowling alleys. This is funny.

Theory #3 - The man found the card in his pocket. It is from his wife, who wants him to be home in time for dinner. The machine is non-functional. The reader is left to assume he got the card out of the machine. This is funny.

Theory #4 - Knowing that bowling alley managers dislike unsanitary lanes, the machine has warned the man to avoid them. It did this because the dark spot on the machine indicates to us that the man has just urinated on it, thinking it is a toilet. This is funny.

Theory #1 - The woman cannot tell if the man is the Burgermeister Meisterburger, or the Heat Miser, but definitely a Rankin-Bass character. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The woman is wondering why the man is out jogging, and not in a grocery store, warning people not to squeeze the Charmin. This is funny.

Theory #3 - The cartoonist's name is "Shipu Ji Ji". This is funny.

The Cowboy Interruption.

Joke #1 - "Brad, table four has sent back their cheesy fries for the second time. Permission to blow a snot rocket in the their entree?"

Joke #2 - Brad's next sentence was interrupted by the sound of the door being thrown open. He whirled around in his chair and his face went white. It was Bone Dry Bud, The Man Without a Fly, and some say the orneriest buckaroo to never moisten a urinal cake.

Joke #3 - "Aha! I might have guessed! How could you, Brad?... and with Mr. Lincoln, no less! You knew he was on my 'celebrity free pass list'."

Joke #4 - "No no no. False alarm, Troy. I said 'I didn't expect a kind of Amish Exhibition'. Go back to work."

Joke #5 - "Nope. Those make your thighs look big, too. Try the culottes your sister sent you."

Joke #6 - "Sorry to interrupt, sir, but there's some rootin' goin' on. Some say there's some tootin', as well."

Joke #7 - "Sir, we need to order some real cards. The boys are tired of playin' Uno."

Joke #8 - "Sir, can I just work in the dish room for the rest of the night? The guys are makin' fun of my camel toe again. "

Joke #9 - "Brad, I think we need to cut off table three. They want me to play Frozen again, and the other customers are starting to complain."

Mat Black was the first to rustle up a mess of joke #10. Thanks, Mat! -  "I'm the only hombre 'round these parts that can pull off the white shirt, vest and snap tie! GO CHANGE!"

Not far behind was MisterFancyButtonDowntheBackPants_2, with joke #11. nice shootin' Tex. "'Scuse the interruption Brad, but do I 'saunter in', or 'sashay in'?" "Carl says I 'sashay in' like a two-bit parlor floosie and I don't reckon I'm likin' the way that stinkin' bitch is runnin his mouth...and OH - MY - GAWD!!, is that my copy of '50 Shades' yer givin' to Mister Lincoln?!?!..."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

Bonus punishment: You've probably done something bad this week. Teach yourself a lesson by listening to Cowboy Song, improvised by BlueWank. It takes a while to get going, and unfortunately takes a while to get stopping. Sorry, not sorry.

Family mechanic.

Joke #1 - "Aah! I think I found the source of the noise, ma'am. That'll be three hundred fifty for labor, and eighteen dollars for the disposal fee."

Joke #2 - "Sorry we were out of pocket calendars, Mrs. Finchberry. Here, please accept this instead."

Joke #3 - "I'm sorry, Ma'am. There's a recall on this unit, and I could lose my job if I don't replace it with a remanufactured product that meets spec. I'm sure you understand."

Joke #4 - "There, doesn't that feel better? Now, you may feel some postpartum melancholy for a few days, but that's normal. Thanks for choosing Ford!"

Joke #5 - "Here, let me get that for you. Wow! This is a big one! Actually, it's pretty common to see this kind of debris collecting in your foot wells this time of year. Just try to keep your windows rolled up when driving past schools, okay?"

Joke #6 - Doug greeted the Finchberrys and bent to pick up little Claudia and give her a tickle, like he always did. Tragically, he didn't notice the drafting ruler she was playing with. His laugh turned to a gurgle as the steel found its way home.

Joke #7 - The '53 Ford was available with a "child delete" dealer option that has made examples of this particular model exceptionally rare and collectible in subsequent decades.

Mat Black had a bit of energy yesterday, and one of the many things he did was joke us up a Joke #8. Thanks, Mat! - In an age when oil company premiums were common, Esso really upped the game with their "Win a War Orphan" promotion.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Beach Blanket Bingo with Gina and Bryce.

Joke #1 - "Okay, you're doing really well. Now push again, once more. Thaaaat's it. Good girl."

Joke #2 - "You know, on that day so long ago when I got my arm caught in that thresher, I thought my life was over. Even when the said they could help me with surgery, I was still despondent. But how could I know I'd have such a beautiful, intelligent, charming woman grafted onto my shoulder in it's place? What I'm trying to say is, I love you, New Arm."

Joke #3 - "Yes, I think I can see it, just barely. Honestly, I'm getting tired of you always wrecking our romantic beach getaways by sticking a hermit crab up your nose. There are some voids that my love just can't fill, and I wish you'd just accept it."

Joke #4 - "Yes, I know, Gina. I keep telling you, it's the cold water."

Joke #5 - "Okay, now cough, darling."

Joke #6 - "Waaah! It's cold out here! Waah! I'm a boy! Hey! Are you my mom?"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Click for big.

The big scope.

Joke #1 - "Bad news, Congressman. We've detected a small particle of brain contaminating your skull cavity. We'll keep an eye on it for now, and immediately begin an aggressive treatment regimen of Bravo programming and Star Wars prequels. But if it metastasizes and spreads, it may leave you permanently incapable of doing your job."

Joke #2 - Doug's new glasses did make it possible for him to enjoy doing the crossword again, but they were a little more cumbersome than his old prescription.

Joke #3 - "Senator Tom Cotton's colonoscopy was, so far, proceeding without a hitch."

Joke #4 - Exoplanets have become so commonplace that some astronomers routinely discover two or three before even getting out of bed.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Dodge Floating - A little extra.

This Dodge ad from 1948 was almost fine the way it was. We have no idea how well the '48 Dodge fared in the marketplace, but let's assume it sold terribly, due to it's pathetic an inadequate two-axle layout. Heroically, ee decided to perfect it with a few extra wheels. You're welcome. If only Dodge had come to us sooner.

Grandpa Porch Lap

Joke #1 - Katie and Billy just wanted to ride the tractor, and Grandpa would let them, but never before listening to one of his stories about the old days. Today, it was a long, teary-eyed soliloquy about how some lady named "Justin Beiber" used to record music, but now she just got arrested all the time. 

Joke #2 - "Ooooh, I'm fine, kids. I just. Sigh. Some days I just , you know, miss your Grandma is all. I... Billy, that's not helping, please stop that."

Joke #3 - Grandpa seemed weird today. Katie and Billy sat in his lap for hours, waiting for him to wake up and tell them a story. His skin was all cold, too. They'd try again for another couple of hours after lunch.

Joke #4 - Katie and Billy couldn't figure out what was bothering Grandpa. He had a sad, far-away look in his eyes. His pulse was normal, and his breathing was slow and regular. Billy said even his prostate seemed fine.

Joke #5 - "Tell us a story, Grandpa Charles Bronson! Tell us Death Wish VI - The Taste of Death!"

Joke #6 - "I'm sorry, kids. My old knee's actin' up a little today. I'm afraid you'll hafta slaughter them pigs on your own."

Joke #7 - "What's with iGramps? I thought it was your turn to charge him. I mean, yeah, he's the thinnest Grandpa on the market, and that's cool and all, but his battery life is terrible. Jeez. When our contract is up, let's get a GrandDroid S6."

Joke #8 - "Come on Grandpa. Cheer up. Let's do that trick where I sing show tunes while you drink a glass of water."

[ Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt. ]

1949 Hudson - See the Hudson Centipede.

In your new '49 Hudson, you can park anywhere you like. Drive straight through the midway. It's fine, because everyone wants to see your giant Hudson, with physically impossible "step down" design. By the way, what is that supposed to mean? When you get in a car, you're almost always standing on the ground. How can the floor of the car be lower than the pavement? No matter. It's just advertising, and if you start thinking, then you're a terrible person.

Yep. Your Hudson is a real showstopper, but you know what? It's not showstopper enough. If you want to send them screaming from the tent, you need the Hudson Centipede. Four axles and four fender skirts, just to keep things modest. Here's the 1949 Hudson Centipede on a transparent alpha card, ready to horrify the other graphics on your hard drive. Don't say I didn't warn you. Get your rude finger ready to right-click-save this little crime against humanity into your HDD's freakshow in three, two, one, RIGHT CLICK SAVE CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY NOW! You're welcome!

Click for 1000px wide.

Click for 400px wide.

Click for big.

Spot the Joke - Ping Pong

The Saturday Evening Post was America's non-threatening comfort food of the brain. It strived for mass appeal by angering no one and being as agreeable to mainstream culture as humanly possible. So, of course there can be no better recipe for great cartoons and a cutting wit, right? Please join the Phil Are GO! Joke-getting Assault Squad in a bit of joke archaeology. Help us figure out what exactly is the joke in this comic from America's blandest news source, the Saturday Evening Post. Help us Spot the Joke!

Theory #1 - The wife likes to make her husband bend over a lot, because he has a prosthetic pelvis that is subject to a manufacturer recall and is due for replacement. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The man needs to lose a little weight, so his wife chose this moment to exaggerate his width, by acting as though she hit the ball "his way", as if he were twenty feet wide. This is funny.

Theory #4 - Hoping to add a little spice to their domestic life, the couple has agreed to play ping pong to decide who will extract information from the prisoners this evening. This is funny.

Theory #3 - That's not a ping pong ball. This is funny.


Jim D. has found a clue! Theory #4, coming your way! - Lamp is set low enough to interfere with husband's vision, high enough for wife's line of sight to be clear. Wife's continuous pretense that she can't see exactly where husband is standing bamboozles husband into thinking playing field is level. Loser subject to extreme sexual humiliation. Thus, wife's statement is sarcastic. Sarcasm is funny.
You see, back in them days, readers was willing to work a little extra harder to "get" the joke. Not like us modern-age devolved folk, who are so dependent on instant gratification that we even resort to watching SpongeBob episodes speeded up on YouTube!


Theory #4 comes to us from "anonymous", doing a very poor job of concealing his identity. - In an attempt to retrieve the ping pong ball, the Wife expels gas in the Husband's direction & feels the need to "warn him" of the impending nasal offense - in his typical fashion. This is funny, in a vengeful sense.

- Mr.FancyHotPants_2 

[Commenter theories will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Mountain Accident, and the Loss of a Box.

Joke #1 - "NOOOOO!! My children are in that crate!"

Joke #2 - "No. My wife is in that crate."

Joke #3 - "Nooooo! That's my new iPad Maxi in there!"

Joke #4 - The crate, destined for North Korea, slid off the truck and into the ravine. Fortunately, it only carried a shipment of sugar, and it would simply crash at the bottom, and not explode or anything crazy like that.

Joke #5 - Fortunately, the crate held Shrodinger's cat. So, to ensure his safety, the men simply promised each other never to open it.

Joke #6 - A scene from Initial D, Kentucky Drift. (1% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes.)

A joke so good I'm kicking myself for not thinking of it comes to us from MisterFancyHotBalls_2. MFHB2, I look forward to meeting you on the field of battle. Joke #7 - NOOOOO! My crate of non-slip mats & safety tie down straps!!!!!

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Click for big.

Spot the Joke - Wax, legs and rice.

The Saturday Evening Post was America's non-threatening comfort food of the brain. It strived for mass appeal by angering no one and being as agreeable to mainstream culture as humanly possible. So, of course there can be no better recipe for great cartoons and a cutting wit, right?Please join the Phil Are GO! Joke-getting Assault Squad in a bit of joke archaeology. Help us figure out what exactly is the joke in these comics from America's blandest news source, the Saturday Evening Post. Help us Spot the Joke!

Theory #1 - The woman has just waxed the kitchen floor, and just as it rains whenever you wash the car, a thundercloud has taken up residence over her house, casting an obvious shadow on the roof. This is funny.

Theory #2 - Waxed things are slippery. This is funny.

Theory #3 - The wax on her kitchen floor is so slippery that, after she spilled a pot of soup on the floor, the liquid was repelled onto the ceiling. Hence, the damp spot on the roof. This is funny.

Theory #1 - The gentleman is a paraplegic. He has misplaced his special buoyant prosthetics made from a rigid, closed-cell foam with a watertight rubber skin, or his "sea legs". He is forced to make due with his ordinary plastic prosthetic legs. The two women have thrown his floating legs overboard. This is funny.

Theory #2 - Women enjoy seeing any man suffer. This is funny.

Theory #3 - The nauseated gentleman is apparently searching the deck of the ship for his "sea legs", despite the rather obvious fact that they are clearly still attached to his body. This is funny.

Theory #4 - The "man" crawling around the deck of the ship is actually Katharine Cook Briggs, half of the team who developed the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator questionnaire. Her partner and daughter, Isabel Briggs-Meyers would be surprised that her mother had chosen to drink while aboard a ship: something an "ISFJ" would never do. This is funny.

Theory #1 - The man's digestive system is intolerant of the spices used in Spanish rice. The adult diapers he keeps on hand are "Tango" brand adult incontinence undergarments. His wife's advice to "put on some tangos" indicates her understanding that he will have a bout of inflammatory bowel syndrome tonight. This is funny.

Theory #2 - Tango is a dance mistakenly attributed to Spain, although it actually originated in Argentina and Uruguay. Spanish rice is a totally unknown dish in either Spain or Mexico. This is funny.

Theory #3 - A Tango is a type of dance, not a type of music. Theoretically, one could tango to any music with a beat. So, the woman's request to "put on some tangos" must indicate that the disc in the man's hand is a laser video disc, since a Tango can only be observed and not heard. This cartoon ran in the September 28, 1957 issue of The Saturday Evening Post, nearly thirty years before LaserDisc technology was made available to the American public. It is impossible that the couple owned a LaserDisc player in 1957, or that Bob Barnes, the cartoonist, had even heard of such a thing. This is funny.

[Commenter theories will be added to the post. -Mgmt.]

Spot the Joke - Fitting room, cannibals.

Today we bring to your eyeballs two more challenges to your sense of lack of humor. Please spot the joke in the alleged "comics" from a 1965 issue of The Saturday Evening Post, the weekly journal of the 20th century's most conservative and absolutely straight-laced Americans. If there's one thing we've learned from Fox News, it's the conservatives' legendary sense of humor. Please join The Phil Are GO! Joke-getting Assault Squad, our blue ribbon panel of the most charitable and sympathetic laughers, in trying to figure out what exactly is the joke in these seemingly unfunny cartoons.

 Theory #1 - The young woman is an employee at the store where she is trying on dresses, and her shift ends at 5:45. She should be out on the floor moving product and assisting customers, not trying on the inventory. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The younger woman is a paid assassin, hired to kill someone at precisely 5:48. Through careful practice and training, the assassin knows that it will take her exactly three minutes to reach her position, assemble her sniper rifle, and liquidate her target. So, she needs to finish picking out a dress before then. Ironically, her target-to-be is the very woman that is helping her with her dress purchase. This is funny.

Theory #3 - The woman trying on dresses is a stripper, working at a nearby gentleman's' club, and her shift begins at 5pm. Despite the fact that her profession involves taking off her clothes, she seems preoccupied with buying the right dress. This is apparently funny.

Theory #1 - The explorer's mother had a long and illustrious career - more so than her son. The natives know of his famous mother's fame. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The natives are worshipers of Cheeksa, the Polynesian goddess of buttocks, and they are performing her salute to the explorer who seems to have The Divine Ass-print on his chest, indicating that he is favored by Cheeksa. This is funny.

Theory #3 - I didn't know that the expression "saved our bacon" existed in 1965. This is funny.

Theory #4 - The natives believe that the explorer must be their mother, and since they live in a matriarchal society, they prostrate themselves before him. Unexpectedly, the natives living in a remote jungle village can read English, This is funny.

Theory #5 comes to us from Jim D. Thanks, J. Dee! - The natives are one of the Lost Tribes of Israel, therefore ANYONE'S bacon would be safe in their presence! FUNNY!!!!!!

[Commenter theories will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]