Hall of Heads, Pt. 7 - An duel!!!

It's been a while since we crowned, with honor and laurels, a Disembodied Floating Head in the Hall of heads. Today, we bring you two plucky young hopefuls, eager to be immortalized for all of the times. Interestingly, today's bout is a duel! Let's meet the contenders!

In this corner, we have the terrifying B.L. Mellinger, of Mellinger Imports. Westwood Boulevard couldn't hold him. Los Angeles couldn't scare him. Mellinger's going to disembody himself and float all over your face. let's see what this kid's got!

He's got no neck. That's a strong start for this darty little head. Also, don't overlook the weird ink-bleedy stroke around him, and the overall darkness of his tonality, making his halftone dot pattern more of a screen door. Man, it's like he's just floating outside your kitchen patio, wondering if he can come in and have an onion. Man, that's creepy. The creep factor is only slightly let down by the fact that he's managing a half-assed benevolent smile. That's not quite a game face, Mellinger, but let's see what your opponent's got for us...

Well, that little kid has a complete body and a flotation device, so she can't possibly be our fighter. But what's this over on the right? The Beaconlite Streamline Auto and Boat Compass? The crowd gasps, and the officials rush to check the regulations as this surprise contender bursts from the page with all the bravado of a sextant! Whoosh!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Beaconlite Streamline Auto and Boat Compass isn't even a human... or a sentient creature for that matter! That's creeeeepy! No neck to hold it back! No face to help you relate to it; just an ovoid bubble revealing the whirling ball within, which probably points north several times per day. In fact, it's kind of got a Daft Punk thing going on!

This DFH is a shock to the Disembodied Floating head Fighting World, head fans! Mellinger's out of sorts! The crowd  is all about the disturbing inanimate newcomer. Mellinger stumbles from the ring in disgrace as the referee fails to raise the hand of the Beaconlite Streamline Auto and Boat Compass! Winner!

Hall of Heads, Pt. 6 - FIGHT!!!!!

Good morning Mr. and Mrs America, and all the ships at sea. Today we are broadcasting to you live, from ringside in the Hall of Heads in 1927. Today we bring you wonderful, hideous bloodsport in The Hall of heads, part six. It's been over a year and a half since the Hall of Heads has seen any action, so it's high time we had some Disembodied Floating Heads putting up their dukes and battling for the title of Creepiest Disembodied Floating Head. Who will take the belt? Get ready for some bloody heads!

Our first hopeful hails from this tiny ad for Carlton Mills, a shirt manufacturer from New York. That's in the U.S. of A., for our out-of-towners in the audience. Fred Frankel Ills looks a little soft, but shirt selling is good honest work, and this kid's got a good honest face... maybe of palooka or possibly goombah variety. Let's see if Fred is licenced to Ill. Ding!

No neck. That's good. Nobody ever won a DFH title with a dangling neck. This fresh-faced Frankel's off to a good start. How's the face? Mmmm, he's not real creepy, there. He sort of looks like he's just arrived late to football practice. Still, I like his moxy. He came out swinging and he's ready to fight. Good effort, kid!

Next challenger is... what's this? Just a silhouette? Rosenberg the Silhouette, from a Wanted-Cartoonists! ad is a dark hose for sure. He's definitely going for the mysterious angle here, with his total lack of a face or any detail at all. This "Rosenberg" fella came out of left field, so I like the way he thinks. Let's see if he can think on his nonexistent feet! Ding!

Let's check out Rosenberg's uncertainty principle. Hmm. Rosenberg's spooky all right, but we can still tell he's wearing glasses, which isn't very creepy at all. Also, he's got a bow tie tied around his.... neck?!?! You call yourself disembodied, Rosenberg? Why, you're barely even severed! And you know what? You're not even a good cartoon, which is your whole job! You're outta here! Rosenberg goes down! PRAKOW!!!

 This enigmatic young drawing comes to us from one of the many many MANY vocational ads to be found in the back pages of Popular Science. This meek former bank clerk calls himself W.A. Roben, and his ad features a surprising use of Vagabond, a font usually associated with The Sixties. Go see for yourself, but be careful when exploring the free font sites. they'll slip your PC a mickey just as soon as look at you.

Anyway, "Waah" Roben's another drawing. And you know what? he makes a better cartoon than that loser Rosenberg from the cartooning ad. What else has Waah got going for him? let's find out! Ding!

Well, Roben, not only have you got a complete neck, but you've still got part of your shoulders hanging on there. When you were in your high-falootin' National Electrical School, did they perchance teach you the meaning of DISEMBODIED??? You LOSE! Cry me a river, Waah! You're outta here! Roban just grounded himself! FALUMP! It's still Fred Frankel for the title!

Wowzers! Get a load of the serial killer vibe coming off of Lewis Beck, our next contender from this ad for Dobe Easy Drafting! This guy leaves a puddle of creepy wherever he stands! Let's see what Bleck has got in his drafting kit of mayhem, shall we? This should be good. Ding!

Bleck comes out swinging with his total lack of neck. That's just basic form, but Bleck has clearly done his homework. I like his chances. Next, he's wearing glasses for that nerdy look, but the empty, dead eyes mean those glasses are just lenses that focus Bleck's dead stare into a beam of solid creepy that - oh my gosh - knocks soft-hearted Frankel on his soft-hearted backside. Frankel goes down under the arcane power of Lewis Beck. Well done, Bleck!

Is someone hungry for adventure... Popularity... Big pay? This red-blooded he-man seems to think he is. And he knows the word "plaudits". This confident adventure-craver says his blood is red, but let's see if he can prove it be leaking a bunch of it out as he takes on Lewis Beck! Ding, baby!

BAH HAHAHAHAHhahahahah! Did your doctor make you wear that headgear, or are you one of the growing number of "real life superheroes"?  Maybe you're hoping for the same level of scare that Satan had in Time Bandits, but his skull cap was decorated with skeletal hands, and yours just kind of looks like your mom doesn't want you to hurt yourself. And, are you... smiling? I'm not a-scared of you, geek. And is that leather hat supposed to save your life if you crash your plane? Go home and think about what it means to be a Disembodied Floating Head. You're not my hero! Bleck sends Pilot Pete down in flames! KRADOOOOSH!





Lewis "Mr. Bleck" Soy un ganador, baby, so just try to kill him. The only thing that scarred him in all of today's fighting was my sloppy use of the magic wand tool when I made his selection. But chicks dig scars, Bleck. Enjoy your belt.

Ladies and gentlemen, please clean up around your seats as you go out. Mrs. Flinby doesn't work weekends. Thank you for attending another savage edition of The Hall of Heads. TMBG, please play our closing theme as our patrons file out.

DeVry Technical Institute - Get some learn in Televisionradioelectronics.

Learn The New Science Of Television-Radio-Electronics And New Super Easy Rules Of Capitalization At Our Secret Floating Training Facility On Lake Michigan!

As Career Recipient of Blunt Head Trauma Jack Dempsey's head will tell you, in exchange for a check we wrote him, he's proud to be "with" DTI, in the same way that Fonzie is now super cranked about reverse mortgages. No word on whether his neck or body share his enthusiasm for electronics training, as they were not available at the time of printing.

Still not convinced? Then listen to Randomly Chosen
and Slightly Startled Boat Guy Jean Desmas, for some
reason. DTI is "incroyable".

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Studio Girl - Hall of Heads part 5... FIGHT!

Today we bring you fierce bloodsport from 1961. This ad, soliciting sales representatives for Studio Girl cosmetics features some excellent Disembodied Floating Heads. They all want to be the supreme DFH, but which is worthy? There's only one way to find out. Heads, FIGHT!

First combatant: Anita Born, of East Alton, Illinois! She's looking trim and ready with her neatly deleted neck. That's a great start, Born! We like your curly bulb of non-specific retro hair, too. Wham! Ooooh, but that smile looks sincere and candid. It looks like you were photographed while having a pleasant conversation. Not very creepy! We're not paying you to talk! Just hover and leer at people! You may think you're weird with your no-neckness and your hair bulb, but you've got a lot to learn about being unsettling! Defeated! Kabloom! Come back next season, Born! You're outta here!

Next combatant: What's this? The very president of Studio Girl, Harry Taylor himself, of Glendale, California? That's right! Taylor looks serious and creepy with his authoritative glower. That mile-high chess club forehead just screams " I have a secret psionic attack", and the under-developed jaw tells us he was a bit of a sissy in school, so he's got lots of pent-up frustration to fuel his fight. He's looking good so far! Oh, but he's just a little too handsome! That L.A. tan doesn't scare us one bit! Taylor, your financial success has gone to your Disembodied Floating Head. You're not hungry enough to wear the crown. Defeated! Bashooooom!

Next combatant: Jack Terwilliger, straight out of Fresno! Terwilliger comes on strong with a goofy name that sounds like a dirty gym teacher, and his photo is poorly lit, too! We can hardly tell if he has a moustache or if those are just bags under his eyes! Terwilliger's feeling strong! What's this? You call that a neck nub? We can still see some of your neck, Terwilliger! Trim that shit and come back in a year, when you're ready to nail the details! Defeated! Bloooosh!

Next combatant: Helen Uhlir the Cooler, from Tuscon! Wham! Helen hits hard with her schoolmarm hairdo and those Far Side lunch-lady glasses. Ow! And that smile? Is it a smile, or a kind of forced grimace? Creep-a-licious! She's got the judges reeling, but she's not done yet. Is that a mole on her chin or just a printing anomaly  Wait. We have a ruling on the mole. It's a black dot that fits inbetween the screen dots. It's not a mole, but they're giving her the point just for sheer moxie! Uhlir the Cooler crushes the competition by showing that she clearly does not use the product she purports to sell! Ka-foom! Helen Uhlir wins!

If you keep this up, Uhlir, you could be a world-class electronician, like F. L. Sprayberry. Kudos.

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Crosley - Smaller was good, then bad, then good again, then bad for a while, now good and bad.

A Whatley? Crosley. I know. I never heard of it either, but I'm not telling you that. I'm gonna sound like I knew all about Crosley. This is gonna be great.

You know how every time the price of gas spikes upward, the sales of compact cars do too? Well, during good old Dubya Dubya Eye-Eye (WWII) gas (and lots of other things) were in such short supply that there was gas rationing.

Enter Crosley, an Indiana-based car company founded by two brothers in 1939 that specialized in sensible, small, efficient utilitarian vehicles. Crosley came along right about the time that world affairs went in the pooper and suddenly Americans liked the idea of a small car that got 50 mpg. There were delivery-vehicle type Crosleys and the country-fried "Farm-O-Road" and regular runabouts like the one in todays ad. Smart, right?

Yes, you're right. That's smart. How smart? Hold your horses and I'll tell you. Crosley built the first American production car with disc brakes on all four wheels (Many cars today are still available with horrible drum brakes on the rear, jeez!). Crosley built the first American sports car, and coined the term "sport-utility". Wait, what? Hmm. Maybe Crosley deserved to be punished for that one.

So, why'd they fail? Well, Americans are nothing if not short-sighted, and once times got better after the war, we went back to chanting our old mantra "More is more!". As the chromed-out land yachts of The Fifties took hold, desire for the dinky and sensible Crosley dwindled.

Also, contributing to the corporate death rattle was the shittiness of the engine in the Hotshot - that first American sports car. The engine block, instead of being a, you know, BLOCK of iron, was made from brazed-together pieces of sheet tin. Engine life was kind of an issue. That's why in this ad, Crosley is so jazzed about their "CIBA", which somehow means "cast iron block". Welcome to the engine block party, Crosley. Glad you could finally make it. I'll take your coat. The drinks are over... - hey, you don't look so good! Crosley? Crosley? *THUD* Crooo-sleeeeey!

The manufacturing plant was sold to General Tire and Rubber in 1952. Ah well.

To this day, popularity of small cars moves in tandem two-step with the price of oil. The price of oil goes all crazy, right along with the general happiness level in the Middle East, even though America now imports twice as much oil from Canada as we do from Saudi Arabia. It's perception. You know how people startle really fast and calm down slowly? The price of oil does the same thing, and that's because it's keyed to how scared we are of the Middle East, and not much more.

Small cars are now getting some attention again, but huge SUV boats are still wildly popular, partly because manufacturers can qualify for a very green-sounding "Hybrid" badge if they tack on a ten horsepower electric motor, improving efficiency by 1 mpg. Job done.

Hey, nice Disembodied Floating Head! Well, sort of. She has a neck, so she's not THAT disembodied. Certainly no award winner. Lose the neck and you'll be a contender, doll-face. Maybe she really is just a severed head? Her boyfriend must own a car faster than a Crosley.

UPDATE: I think it's graphically suicidal to print the name of your company with a treatment that looks like it's been crossed out. "CROSLEY a FINE car."

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Anacin - DFH twofer.

Disembodied Floating Head news now, from nineteen fifty-four! Anacin can make your head feel better, no matter how hard you grimace! It gives fast relief from neuritis and neuralgia! How fast? Look at the speed lines coming off the "fast relief" letters. That's pretty damn zippy, people! You'd better get out of the way, or you'll have all your ribs shattered by Anacin's speeding pain relief.

Headache ads never use the words "neuritis" or "neuralgia" any more. Why's that? Well, it seems that neuralgia is basically pain caused by a damaged nerve. And neuritis is - let's see here - pain associated with nerve damage. Good times.

If I had to guess, both of those problems are best treated by actual medical attention, from prescription drugs to surgery, and advertisers decided they were playing with fire to suggest that people would be well advised to just treat their problems with over-the-counter Anacin. In short, I think they were afraid of being sued to death by people who got the idea that Anacin was all they needed to treat their conditions. I can't really prove this, but every ad for headache pills on the old radio shows used to use these two words, and now you never hear them any more. There's probably a good reason, and "lawyer's caution" is the standard motivation that makes companies scale back their claims of product effectiveness.

ANYhoo, it's been a while since we had a Disembodied Floating Head worth speaking of around here, and today's are pretty good. They both have no neck, which makes them super disembodied, and these two are actually useful! One's miserable and the other is right as rain.

Thanks to the P.A.G. X-Acto Knife and Photoshop brigade, we are proud to present to our readers these two DFHs as PNG files, on transparent backgrounds in vivid yellowy-white and gray. These heirloom lady head replicas could sell at auction for - literally - tens of cents. We here at Phil Are GO! are authorized to offer them to you for a limited time at the breathtaking price of nothing much. Please right click and "save as" them onto your hard drive of choice while supplies last. Your mouse is standing by. Big and small versions of each. You're welcome.

Serving suggestions for these DFHs include...

-Copy/pasting them in emails to your children to let them know how irritated (or pleased) you are with them.
-Copy/pasting them in emails to let the water department know how irritated you are with them.
-Copy/pasting them in emails to the local authorities to let them know how irritated you are that they asked you to stop harassing the water department with weird cryptic emails.
-Printing them out and gaffer taping them on the windshield of your congressman's town car, because he or she won't go to bat for you in your battles with local government offices.
-Printing them out and pasting them on the windows of your congressman's house to let him or her know that you know where he or she lives.
-Printing them out and holding them over your face to let the jury know how unhappy you are.
-Wishing you had a computer so you could print or email these DFHs to the warden to show him or her how angry you are that you are not allowed access to a computer in your particular wing of the prison.

...and may more!

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Ironized yeast Tablets - So there used to be a "too skinny" problem?

In 1938, the Great depression was still stinking up the joint, financially speaking, and lots of people didn't have enough to eat. Enter Ironized yeast Tablets to help plump up our women!

When people are undernourished, they are prone to Anemia, due to vitamin deficiency, like iron, and vitamin B-12. Symptoms include fatigue, and moanings of "Ow! Such anemia I have! Harken to my plea! My kingdom for iron!" People talked like that in the thirties, right?

So, yeast helps you gain weight and Vitamin B increases appetite. Got it. Why don't we see many ads like this now? Well, number one, though times are tough, it ain't the Great Depression. Number two, with the advent of fast food in the fifties, cheap, calorie-rich foods can be found within a few feet of every television set (fact exaggerated for your enjoyment), so most people can fill their belly, but with shitty food prepared by people who hate their jobs. So, fatness is a problem now.

Also, vitamin deficiencies are much less common than they were in 1938, due to the fortification of many foods. This means that manufacturers try to sneak a few extra nutrients into stuff we eat every day, like flour and rice, which is handy. Odds are, you get plenty of every vitamin from the food you eat. Here is an excellent article from Colorado State University explaining popular myths about vitamins such as "you should take them". There is no evidence that taking vitamins has any effect on health at all, unless your suffering from a few specific conditions. More and more, it is looking as though vitamins are much more effective when they are eaten in food and not when they are crammed into a pill.

Also, dosing yourself with vitamins can cause loads of health problems if you take too much.

The "dietary supplement" industry is not regulated the same as actual food and medicine. The rules are much more lax. Here's a good bit from the link (from the FDA) in the previous sentence:

"Generally, manufacturers do not need to register their products with FDA nor get FDA approval before producing or selling dietary supplements"

As it stands right now, you can practically sell bullets with leprosy sprinkles, and so long as you label it as a "dietary supplement", you have no obligation to prove it actually does anything - just so long as it's safe when used as directed. In the case of the leprosy bullets, you'd be within the limits of the dietary supplement laws as long as the directions on your package clearly state that you are to bury them in a cube of concrete several hundred feet underground and not to eat them or remove them from the package. (Hazmat suit sold separately).

Anyway, both of the women in this picture look okay to me. Sure, the one on the left looks grumpy and has bad posture, but that's just how marketing works. The woman on the right could be a right arm amputee, but so long as she's smiling and arching her back, emphasizing her hourglass figure, she'd be the obvious "you want to look like her" picture. The girl on the left would look great too if she were posed flatteringly and didn't look like she's doing her taxes in her head.

This ad has a nice Disembodied Floating Head. He's supposed to be convincing and trustworthy... you know, like a doctor, but they don't even give him a name or say who he's supposed to be. He's just a head, staring at us, telling us we're too skinny. He looks kind of lascivious, like he's the creepy old perv whose job it is to ogle the women at Ionized Yeast HQ and tell them whether they look good or not. I bet he thinks they're all positively yummy.

Apparently, Ionized yeast assumes we're eating plenty of carrots and our eyesight is great. The type size drops down a size halfway through the ad, like they paid for a 1/4 page strip ad but really wanted to squeeze in the part about gaining "normally attractive pounds". He's watching your attractive pounds right now. Better fatten up, twiggy.

Hall of Heads, Pt. 4 - Schermer vs. Plotts.

After so many months, unchallenged, atop the mountain of severed Disembodied Floating Heads of his defeated opponents, Evil Florist  Louis Schirmer may have gotten a little soft, leaving himself vulnerable to attack by a newcomer with something to prove. Can Schirmer hold the DFH throne? Can anyhead throw him down? The Hall of Heads has been very quiet.

What's this? Who is this whelp of a head, defiant in his sparkling bright battle glasses? Rookie DFH contender Ellery L. Plotts, Nationally Known Radio Station Consulting Engineer of the DeForest Training ad! Oh, the gasping!

This fresh new face is young. How young? Fwoossh! He just jumped Schirmer from behind, predating 1953's Dean of Orchids by six years! Plotts' home turf is an ad from 1947. Schirmer didn't see that coming! He needs eyes in the back of himself!

El Plotts has cropped out his neck. That's just good DFH form, people. Rule one of DFH school is NO NECKS!  Snip! The kid's done his homework. But it takes more than good fundamentals to bring down a titan like Schirmer. What else have you got, nerd?

He's got a special attack. That's what. Radial Drybrush Umbra Attack! Shweeeen! Schirmer is an old fashioned evil florist. He's rattled by El Plotts' fancy tricks.

El Plotts has got himself a building in his ad. Zoosh! Up to the top of the tower he goes, like his own little Barad-dûr, from whose vantage he seems to think he can dominate the battle. This new guy has got some slick moves! What's Schirmer to do? Is this the end?

Aah, but Plotts was so busy with his radio wizardry and high energy attacks, he forgot the one thing that really matters. He's kind of smiling. Rule two of DFH club is BE CREEPY. This will cost him.

The Dean of Orchids Louis Schirmer has never forgotten his evil roots, and El Plotts just doesn't understand what he's up against. The tower crumbles! Kabloooo! Plotts is down! It's a pleasure to watch a master at work, people. Hall of Heads, round 4 goes to... Louis Schirmer! Ding! Try not to stare into his eyes. Avert your gaze.

Guapo of no use when the chips were down, in the salsa.

Wretched in defeat, El Plotts is helped out of the ring by his manservant Harold J. "Pico de Guapo" Elliott. Where were you when the tower fell, Elliott? You can only serve one master, and yours is fear. What's that THING hanging off of you? Is that a neck? You sicken me. At least your master fell in neckless honor.