Showing posts with label 1971. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 1971. Show all posts
11/12/19
9/4/19
2/26/19
12/21/18
12/13/18
Up Your Decor - CHRISTMAS TREEEEES!!!!!!!!!
Hey, decorators! It's Christmas time! Do you know what that means? That's right! It means it's Christmas time!!!! Let's get your stupid crap of a house looking ship-shape for a super fab Christmas season! Today! We're helping you with your Christmas tree!
I know you're probably planning on getting a growng-in-the-gound, planty kind of tree, just like always, but you know what? This is 1971! We live in the future! Let's get mod!!!!
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| I know what you're thinking: "Flowers for Christmas decorations? Vorbia, darling, are you an idiot or a genius?" Correct! Do you know why? Because it's always flower season somewhere! Anyway, this golden fake flower Christmas tree was easily made for under a hundred dollars! Just get a hundred dollars, and go grab a large punch bowl, and some aquarium gravel, a broomstick and, well, all the things in the picture. Cram them together so they look like the picture and just like that you're done! Of course, once you've got a Christmas tree like this in your living room, you'll want to instruct all your family to only wrap presents in a way that is color coordinated with your decorating or they'll be thrown away! |
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| Oooooh, so maybe a flower Christmas tree is too conventional for you? I hear you, and I applaud your fashion-forward Christmas sense! In that case, this eye-challenging postmodern design is so up-to-date you'll think you're celebrating Christmas in a dreary Dadaist poem! It's made from coat hangers and nylon mesh and yellow garland and some electric candles. There's only one thing your family will love more than putting gifts underneath this po-mo tree, and that's taking them out from underneath it! |
If you're feeling more playful than profound this season,
then you can easily make this fanciful Christmas tree from
colored duct tape! What? You don't have colored duct tape?
Well, go get some and color it! You'll also want another
ever-useful broom handle to hold the whole thing up. And three gold balls. Then, just watch your family stare at your curly Christmas creation!
You're welcome!!!!
7/11/18
6/19/17
1/23/17
12/1/16
11/14/16
9/29/16
Old Forester - This is Formula 1?
Seemingly, every whiskey wants to be "Old Something". As Alert Readers will notice, it's child's play satirizing the "old + n" Whiskey name formula. This one is old forester. What's that got to do with Formula 1? They found a way. "This is Formula 1".
Since this is Advertisingland, we can probably assume that the team that won is celebrating with a snort of Old Forester. However... since when does winning any kind of F1 race find your car in the weeds, nowhere near the track?
Looks like The Stig's Rather Drinky Uncle is having an Old Forester kind of day, which consists of an Old Forester kind of morning, and and Old Forester kind of lunchtime, and an Old Forester kind of mid-morning-early-afternoon, and... etc.
Well, at least he's got that nice lady to hold him up.
Since this is Advertisingland, we can probably assume that the team that won is celebrating with a snort of Old Forester. However... since when does winning any kind of F1 race find your car in the weeds, nowhere near the track?
Looks like The Stig's Rather Drinky Uncle is having an Old Forester kind of day, which consists of an Old Forester kind of morning, and and Old Forester kind of lunchtime, and an Old Forester kind of mid-morning-early-afternoon, and... etc.
Well, at least he's got that nice lady to hold him up.
8/17/16
Little Ads - Groovy clothes, 1971. Hey, you're not uptight are you?
If you're holding a magazine, and you want to see who the publishers think you are and what you're into, flip to the back and look at the little cheapo ads you find there.
This morning, a bright-faced intern dropped this Esquire Magazine from 1971 on my desk. Flipping through the pages now, I think I need to send him an email reminding him to do a few laps in our special Esquire Magazine Olympic-sized pool of Purel, and then take about fifty Silkwood showers. As for me, I'm gingerly turning the pages using my special Esquire Magazine salad tongs.
This morning, a bright-faced intern dropped this Esquire Magazine from 1971 on my desk. Flipping through the pages now, I think I need to send him an email reminding him to do a few laps in our special Esquire Magazine Olympic-sized pool of Purel, and then take about fifty Silkwood showers. As for me, I'm gingerly turning the pages using my special Esquire Magazine salad tongs.
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| Berwyn Community Theater presents Space Hamlet. |
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| With reassuring "front pelvis ass pockets" to make people think you're always walking away from them. |
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| Berwyn Community Theater presents Space Hamlet with Genitals Pretty Much Made out of Herpes Sores. |
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| Fashion researchers in The Seventies annually spent millions in public funds trying to rigidly define the boundaries of "almost too much." It proved elusive. |
CRITICAL UPDATE!!! Alert Reader John (last name withheld because he didn't specifically say it was okay to spew his full name all over the Ultranet) has done some nice, clean Photoshoppery and provided us - and the world - with a PNG of Jumpsuit Man, with and without head. Now you and your heirs can all stick each others' heads on Jumpsuit Man. Observe...
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| Jumpsuit man. Each sold separately. |
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| Most of Jumpsuit Man, ready to receive your head. |
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| LBJ in a jumpsuit, provided by John as a serving suggestion. I like the way he chose not to match the tint of the two not-quite-black-and-white images. Makes it better, dontchaknow. That's some nice work, John! You're a true patriot. |
4/15/16
Bass Shoes - Uuh, jealous?
"Wouldn't you like to be in his shoes?" It takes a second or two to realize the ad's not a parody or something. Then you remember "Oh yeah. I'm holding a magazine from 1971. Some people actually really for real dressed like this."
Also, this ad was found in Esquire magazine - always a publication that fancied itself a bit of a dandy. We'd be mistaken to let ads like this become our telescope into the past. Yes, some people dressed like this in '71, but this was far from the norm. If you were to head down the street in 1971's New York (not that I could have) to get a carton of cigarettes and a six of Schlitz, what you would not see is an army of Leon Redbones and Janis Joplins twirling around together.
The Phil Are GO! Reserach and Googling Team did a quick look for scanned snapshots of actual New York from 1971 that seemed fairly candid and normal. Turns out a handy post at Jeremiah's Vanishing New York had just the thing. Link to the post here...
http://vanishingnewyork.blogspot.com/2013/05/new-york-1971.html
...and images reposted without permission here. I hope they don't mind.
Not a Leon or Janis to be seen. A couple of double-breasted suits and more floral shirts than in 2016, but nothing nuts. That's "fashion" for you: always urging us to look like idiots and trying to convince us it will make us cool, instead of making us broke idiots.
But then every generation regards itself as the sole arbiter of cool, that future history will always identify us as the ones that finally got "cool" right, and that everyone before us were clueless fools. However, anyone old enough to have seen a few cultural laps around Lake Trendy will know that there's always something really stupid going on, but we may be too close to it to tell. Hmm. What's stupid right now? Are we too close to it to tell?
Let's have a look at the Supreme Arbiter of Cool, Esquire.com. Once at their site, it's pretty easy to find a page wherein they dictate to us the definition of "looking good for this spring", as shamelessly defined by their sponsor, Bonobos. Bonobos is one of the proliferating number of subscription clothing services. Yep. Subscription clothing services. How those work is this: You agree to let the service make you send them money each month for clothes, and they send you clothes every month. Some will let you send back stuff you don't like, and some have "agents" try to pick stuff tailored to your tastes, to minimize returns. Anyway, the important thing is you let them make you buy clothes every month. Clothes, it's important to remember, can be re-used, unlike food. You would think that this would mean you shouldn't need to buy new clothes on a monthly basis, but Esquire clearly wants you slavishly following the caprice of having The Newest Thing. Thinking for yourself is bad for (their) business.
Remember how great the Columbia Record Club was? Getting records you hate because they're on the charts that month, and forgetting to send them back in time so you're stuck with them? This is that, but with clothes. If you like exactly what the average person likes, you're golden. If you're even slightly eccentric or, god help you, a free thinker, fuck you.
Anyway, let's look at a group of models paid to wear the clothes they're wearing, as prescribed by Esquire and Bonobos as the clothes you need to be wearing:
Skinny pants barely long enough to touch your shoes seems to be cool this spring... until they decide it isn't. Apart from that, things look pretty normal, if a bit foppish, which is, admittedly, what we've come to expect from Fashion. You need to be a fop. Fop it up already, will you? If you're leaving the house to get a loaf of bread, you need a tweed blazer and maybe a socks / scarf combo that match perfectly. if you don't, you're a troglodyte and need to feel shame.
By and large, nothing here looks as simply stupid as the Bass Shoes pimp suit. This could mean that...
A) The Seventies simply had terrible judgment. That's an absolute truth.
B) There's something truly silly going on with The Latest Fashions for 2016 but we're too close to it to tell. That's worrying.
Instead of writing a paragraphs-long screed on the slavery to fashion, Flight of the Conchords took the clever route and wrote a song about it. Excellent soundalike parody of Eighties new wave bands in here. As always, FOTC make perfect satire look easy.
UPDATE: Diligent Associate Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Cadet John S has done the world the service of popping this permanently-fashionable couple out of their New York scene and dropped them on a nice rectangle of alpha. Now they can trip the light methtastic anywhere you choose. He's also included a serving suggestion of where the real action was in '71, and where these two may have been dancing. Thanks, John!
The Phil Are GO! Reserach and Googling Team did a quick look for scanned snapshots of actual New York from 1971 that seemed fairly candid and normal. Turns out a handy post at Jeremiah's Vanishing New York had just the thing. Link to the post here...
http://vanishingnewyork.blogspot.com/2013/05/new-york-1971.html
...and images reposted without permission here. I hope they don't mind.
Not a Leon or Janis to be seen. A couple of double-breasted suits and more floral shirts than in 2016, but nothing nuts. That's "fashion" for you: always urging us to look like idiots and trying to convince us it will make us cool, instead of making us broke idiots.
But then every generation regards itself as the sole arbiter of cool, that future history will always identify us as the ones that finally got "cool" right, and that everyone before us were clueless fools. However, anyone old enough to have seen a few cultural laps around Lake Trendy will know that there's always something really stupid going on, but we may be too close to it to tell. Hmm. What's stupid right now? Are we too close to it to tell?
Let's have a look at the Supreme Arbiter of Cool, Esquire.com. Once at their site, it's pretty easy to find a page wherein they dictate to us the definition of "looking good for this spring", as shamelessly defined by their sponsor, Bonobos. Bonobos is one of the proliferating number of subscription clothing services. Yep. Subscription clothing services. How those work is this: You agree to let the service make you send them money each month for clothes, and they send you clothes every month. Some will let you send back stuff you don't like, and some have "agents" try to pick stuff tailored to your tastes, to minimize returns. Anyway, the important thing is you let them make you buy clothes every month. Clothes, it's important to remember, can be re-used, unlike food. You would think that this would mean you shouldn't need to buy new clothes on a monthly basis, but Esquire clearly wants you slavishly following the caprice of having The Newest Thing. Thinking for yourself is bad for (their) business.
Remember how great the Columbia Record Club was? Getting records you hate because they're on the charts that month, and forgetting to send them back in time so you're stuck with them? This is that, but with clothes. If you like exactly what the average person likes, you're golden. If you're even slightly eccentric or, god help you, a free thinker, fuck you.
Anyway, let's look at a group of models paid to wear the clothes they're wearing, as prescribed by Esquire and Bonobos as the clothes you need to be wearing:
Skinny pants barely long enough to touch your shoes seems to be cool this spring... until they decide it isn't. Apart from that, things look pretty normal, if a bit foppish, which is, admittedly, what we've come to expect from Fashion. You need to be a fop. Fop it up already, will you? If you're leaving the house to get a loaf of bread, you need a tweed blazer and maybe a socks / scarf combo that match perfectly. if you don't, you're a troglodyte and need to feel shame.
By and large, nothing here looks as simply stupid as the Bass Shoes pimp suit. This could mean that...
A) The Seventies simply had terrible judgment. That's an absolute truth.
B) There's something truly silly going on with The Latest Fashions for 2016 but we're too close to it to tell. That's worrying.
Instead of writing a paragraphs-long screed on the slavery to fashion, Flight of the Conchords took the clever route and wrote a song about it. Excellent soundalike parody of Eighties new wave bands in here. As always, FOTC make perfect satire look easy.
UPDATE: Diligent Associate Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Cadet John S has done the world the service of popping this permanently-fashionable couple out of their New York scene and dropped them on a nice rectangle of alpha. Now they can trip the light methtastic anywhere you choose. He's also included a serving suggestion of where the real action was in '71, and where these two may have been dancing. Thanks, John!
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| Click for big. |
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| Click for big. |
2/12/16
McGregor dacron double-knit polyester sport jackets - Your new face is ready.
This afternoon at GO! Tower, there will be an all-staff meeting. We have been remiss in our mission to provide ancient and stupid pictures for any possible need, and the whole staff needs to know how we're going to be addressing this problem. The PAG Images and Scanning Them Brigade, the PAG Antique Store Infiltration Special Unit, the Garage Sale Assault Force, the PAG Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Squad, the Magazine PAG Scouring Image Acquisition Assemblage of Persons, the Equipment Acquisition Squadforce, the Joke Getting and Humor Perception Research Squadron, the PAG Research and Googling team, the Obsolete Foods Alert Forceteam, the PAG Geographic and Temporal Telemetry Forcebrigade, and the PAG Archaeology Guy all need to know that we have recognized a huge gap in our Service.
Today, we shall begin to address this tragic failing. We will now specially identify images that will make really funny forum or network Avatars. Maybe you're a member of a web forum? Maybe you use (ick) social media? Maybe your work uses Yammer or AIM, or some kind of interoffice chat system? And maybe that system allows you to change out your avatar for whatever picture you want? Well, you can now look to Phil Are GO! for any posts tagged with "avatars" to help you find an avatar picture unparalleled stupidness. Just scroll down to the cloud of wee little text in the right sidebar for tags, and look for "avatars". We will be punishing the newly formed PAG Posts Revision Special Unit by making them go through old posts and tagging them with the newly minted "avatars" tag, where necessary. They deserve it for lying down on the nonexistent job for the past seven years.
We begin with the guy in this McGregor ad.
McGregor seems very infatuated with their new breakthrough material, polyester. It's stretchy. It can't be wrinkled. It can't be reasoned with, and it absolutely will not stop. What McGregor doesn't bother to point out is that it breathes like a Hefty bag, and after a year of occasional use, it will start to "pill". You know... like this?
Anyway, here's our inaugural avatar candidate. He's modern. He's trendy. He's smart. He's got a collar that can't be reasoned with, and it absolutely will not stop until. When uploading him for avatar use, crop him carefully. You want to be sure everyone who messages you can see that massive collar that produces twelve hundred pounds of downforce at highway speeds. There's no way this fabulous outfit will break traction under cornering loads.
You're welcome!!!!!
Today, we shall begin to address this tragic failing. We will now specially identify images that will make really funny forum or network Avatars. Maybe you're a member of a web forum? Maybe you use (ick) social media? Maybe your work uses Yammer or AIM, or some kind of interoffice chat system? And maybe that system allows you to change out your avatar for whatever picture you want? Well, you can now look to Phil Are GO! for any posts tagged with "avatars" to help you find an avatar picture unparalleled stupidness. Just scroll down to the cloud of wee little text in the right sidebar for tags, and look for "avatars". We will be punishing the newly formed PAG Posts Revision Special Unit by making them go through old posts and tagging them with the newly minted "avatars" tag, where necessary. They deserve it for lying down on the nonexistent job for the past seven years.
We begin with the guy in this McGregor ad.
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| These pills have not been evaluated by the FDA to treat any condition or illness. |
Anyway, here's our inaugural avatar candidate. He's modern. He's trendy. He's smart. He's got a collar that can't be reasoned with, and it absolutely will not stop until. When uploading him for avatar use, crop him carefully. You want to be sure everyone who messages you can see that massive collar that produces twelve hundred pounds of downforce at highway speeds. There's no way this fabulous outfit will break traction under cornering loads.
You're welcome!!!!!
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| Click for big picture, and gigantic collar. |
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| Click for big. |
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