Learn Auto Mechanics - What a Relief!

 

The College of Swedish Massage

Joke #1 - Charles was really going to have to get into a different line of work. He was tired of his friends using quotation fingers every time they talked about what he did for a living.

Joke #2 - "Thank you so much, Doctor... errr... what was it again? Oh yes! Doctor Charles Goingdownonme, expert in Swedish Massage."

Joke #3 - "We'll see you again next Tuesday, Mrs. Weston. In the meantime, try to favor your other mons pubis for a while."

Joke #4 - This was terrific! Charles should have changed his title years ago. Business was much better than when he was "Dr. Charles Festerbrook, Expert in East German Massage".

Joke #5 - "Very well, then, Mrs. Weston, I'll be sure to get in touch with you if I experience that swelling again."

Joke #6 - "Thank you so much, Doctor! My Swedish feels so much better now!"

Joke #7 - This was terrific! Charles should have changed his title years ago. Business was much better than when he was "Dr. Charles Festerbrook, Clumsy Oaf in Swedish Massage".

Joke #8 comes to us from long-time smirker Mr. FancyInnuendoPants_2. Thanks, MFIP! - "Please do try my other bi-lingual services, Miss Mona. I also have expertise in 'French Kissing', the 'Dutch Oven' and I handle my 'German Sausage' quite well indeed..." Dr. Charles stated with much confidence....."I'm sure you do, Dr. Charles..", quipped Miss Mona, "...and please remove your hand from my ass"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]

Christy Trades School - Earn big money, Pac-Man.

So you're Pac-Man, and you've graduated from high school, and you're wondering what's next. Maybe you could get a desk job, but that's just not for you, am I right? You're good with your hands. There's hope for a man like you.

If you're good with your hands, Christy Trades School can teach you to fix appliances at home in your spare time. That's not such a bad opportunity, is it? Better jump at it while you can. I mean, it's not like someone's going to pay you to just eat all day, are they?

Here's your Handypacman avatar, ready for all your social networky, chat servicey, online profiley type of things. Everyone will assume it's something Japanese, but everyone are jerks. Why do you hang out with jerks like that? Stop hanging out with that "everyone" crowd. You can do better, buddy,

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UPDATE: Helpful Reader Gunnar did himself some P-Shopping and extracted Pan-Man from this ad, and then extracted Pac-Man's eyes. He didn't mention what he did with Pac-Man's extracted eyes, but the world's probably better off not knowing. There's also a serving suggestion for what kind of fun you could get up to with the PNG he created. Thanks, Gunnar!

Avatar Cavalcade. Cavalavatarcade.

The pages of Mid-Century Popular Mechanics was the place to be if you were recently discharged, and needed someplace to be. There was no shortage of ads promising a thrilling and possibly profitable career doing nearly anything, so long as it wasn't shooting foreigners.

Today, we lazily bring you not very much. Just some random careers adverts, and the potential avatars we pulled from them. You might could use them on your social media thingy or whatever, why not? So what do you want for nothing? A rubber biscuit? Mmmmm bow bow bow!!!

Chicago Engineering Works - Electrical train-ning to-day!

Dear readers, are you tired of your dead-end job in the Horse Trade, or in a Thakery Mill? Well, now that Electricity is invented, you can get in on the new and prosperous industry of Electricity! But first, you need Training. You won't know your shielded wire housing from a two amp fuse without help from L.L. Cooke, Chief Engineer at the Chicago Engineering Works, purveyors of the latest inventotronic wizardry! Observe this Advertisement sheet, ripped from the living pages of the August Nineteen Hundred and Twenty-Eight issue Popular Science Monthly this very morning. Begin your training to-day!

Click your Pointing-Mouse on

this image to view the Larger

Version in its fullness.

Little Ads - Planning your entire life.

Labor day is over. It's time to get back to work. What work? These works! Popular Mechanics has enough careers for you to plan out the rest of your life.

Before you learn the secrets of the "samurai suicide warriors" (hint: it's killing yourself and letting the guilt tear your enemies apart), consider that the information in the 35¢ pamphlet is a year out of date (surplus 1960 printing). The Oxford Studio is prepared to teach you totally outdated methods of killing yourself. Caveat emptor, baby. There's no telling what could go wrong with your combat suicide.

Your opponents may resent your passive-aggressive suicide combat techniques, and beat the crap out of you anyway. Learn to put your teeth back in with a fulfilling career in Dental Mechanicry. Richard Kiel endorses the program.

Crime detection. Gun not included. Hand possibly included.

This ad confirms what we all suspected about attorneys. They're taught with "law-free books".

American School of Aviation - Are you a He-Man?

Are you a red-blooded, daring he-man? If you are, then by the power of Grayskull, have we got an opportunity for you... back in 1927. Be an aviation!

Back in '27, airplanes were new and exciting. The age when commercial aviation became a humiliating ordeal in which you are not allowed to have baggage, but instead are eyeballs-deep in the "emotional support dogs" of your neurotic fellow passengers was still many decades away. No, friends. Back then, blood was red, and men were he, and also daring. Except..... hey, wait a second!

None of the actually advertised jobs are anything like being a pilot. Maybe being an instructor requires you to know how to fly the plane, but that could just as easily be an instructor who teaches people to be... "mechanicians"? This whole thing stinks of bait and switchiness. Look at the photos. Crowds crowding around the plane, each fighting for their chance to get naked with the red-blooded he-man at the controls. The promise of your own leather Time Bandits hat. These are all things that the frikkin pilot gets to enjoy.

David Warner as the evil pilot in Time Bandits, and as the deceitful douchebag who created this ad.

And why is the salesman's salary listed as "$5000 a year" when all the others are described in terms of "per week"? Divide 5000 by 52 and you get about $96 bucks a week... a salary that falls near the middle of the pack for the other aviation gigs.

They wanted the biggest number next to the sales job because they wanted it to jump out at you - assuming you're in a hurry, don't read the fine print, or are just dumb. This must be because the American School of Aviation wanted salesmen the most. I promise you, the adoring crowds in that photo are not shouting "Who sold you the plane? We MUST know, so we can have hot monkey sex with him and/or her!"

So, tricking people with advertising is as old as advertising. Shocking. Anyway, here's the Disembodied Floating Head from today's ad. Maybe you can use him to Tom Sawyer people into doing your boring work, thinking it's a total party, while you pop off and fly around.

Micro-Fluff! - What the flock?

Critical career opportunity update now from 1961! Become a flocker! Big-profit orders come from neighbors, gift shops, stores of all kinds. Why aren't you flocking right now?

Flocking is the process of applying a velvety texture to things. First apply glue, then apply the fibers, usually via a "flocking gun" which uses compressed air to spray the fibers onto the glue. Now that you know, you absolutely should have gotten in on the ground floor of the super-lucrative flocking boom, back in '61. Everybody wants their stuff to be velvety. Every neighborhood needs a flok-krafter. (Every advertiser needs a dictionary.) Decorate jewelry, department store display cases, windows! Windows?

See how lucrative? See this guy who is probably Nels Irwin? He's been lucratized for sure... probably with the help of a lucratizing gun.

Oddly, this same picture was used to market other decorating kits:

• Asbestos-All
• Spectra-Shit
• Ants! Ants! Ants!
• Wonderdump
• Motherflocker
• Super-Spume
• Fecal-Luxe
• Lung-Fuzz

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CRITICAL SCUMBAG UPDATE! Alert reader Cyclotronboy has called me out, on my hideous failing to look into the fate of Nels Irwin. Usually, we'd do a "what ever happened to.." on a person, but today we dropped the ball. Apparently, Nels and a partner were sentenced to hard time in the slam, for mail fraud, in 1958...

According to the indictment each letter was mailed for the purpose of executing a scheme and artifice to obtain money by defrauding prospective purchasers of work-at-home mail order businesses. As charged in the indictment, the fraud was accomplished by omitting material facts and by making certain material representations which were false and known to be false, upon which representations the prospective purchasers were expected to rely.

On each of nine counts of which he was convicted (Nos. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9 and 11), Irwin was sentenced to imprisonment for three years, to run concurrently. On each of the remaining seven counts of which he was convicted (Nos. 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 and 21), sentence was suspended and he was placed on probation for four years, commencing at the termination of imprisonment. Kerns received concurrent nine-month sentences on each of the nine counts on which Irwin received three-year sentences. Kerns received a suspended sentence and probation, similar to that granted Irwin, on each of the remaining seven counts.

So, dear readers, we can safely assume that Nels spent some time in prison, probably getting butt-flocked. Boom! You didn't think I'd go south, but I sure did! Very south!

Watch Repair - Hunch your back.

Let's forget. for a moment, that a bunch of companies are trying to make your watch into something that you throw away and re-buy every year. Some people like wearing watches despite the fact that they don't really need to any more. They just like them.Time was, when your watch broke, you got it fixed by some kind of local human with ruined posture and very sharp eyes. Enter the part time watch repair guy. This could have been YOU! Isn't that wouldn't have been exciting?

Glamour. Travel. Adventure. If these are the things you longed to abandon, then you should have send for the Chicago School of Watchmaking's free sample lesson in watch repair. Let tomorrow have been the first day of the rest of your squinty, bent-over life.

So what's at 2330 Milwaukee now? Get ready to have your mind not blown! It's a poorly stitched-together lawyers' office! Woooo! Underwhelming!



I scream, you scream. We all scream for a Graphic Gift of a broke guy! I love that song. He's a PNG, and that rhymes with "alpha channel" which is the first letter in "transparent background", so get your rude finger ready to right-click this cranky pauper onto your hard drive in three, two, one, RIGHTCLICK NOW!

He seems way more likely to find frequent employment in fun little notes around the house than the strangely specific people in the Quix Suds ad from Monday's post. For example, You could use him in an email to your son when he asks you to send him some medicinal marijuana money at The University of Bleeding You Dry. You're welcome!

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Little ads - Careers for Cheap!

Dive for extra dollars with surplus old-timey equipment from Popeye cartoons.

Models will not have sex with you unless you're a "bean artist".

Learn to hypnotize anyone into sending you money for hypnotism course. Your eyes are getting gullible. Veeeeery gullible.

Little Ads - Get you some learn!

Spewing from the pages of Popular Science Monthly comes... Fancy Book Learnin! Learn to remember, detect crime, learn to play Jazz, and forget how to play Jazz. Let's get learned!

Thank you, Probable Library Rummage Sale organizer From Nineteen-Forty-Something (probably) With a Fifty-Pound Pencil, for making sure we never forget how much you value the knowledge of the past.

In 1925, Chicago was the center of a wild new wave of "scientifical" forensic analysis, supplanting the more traditional "scary claw hand" method of determining guilt.

In later decades, with the proliferation of FaceTweet and related services, the "social" section of the mental file system would come to dominate the majority of the human cranial cavity's file system.

If you learn Jazz, you'll become the most popular person in your "set". However, to truly master any craft, you must then choose to forget everything you've learned, just to show that it has no power over you.

To that end, please attempt to enjoy this improvised jazz-loss lament, "I forgot how to Play Jazz", by my former non-band, Blue Wank. All noises and words were improvised directly to tape, for your sanitation. You're welcome, and I am so sorry.

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DeVry Technical Institute - Get some learn in Televisionradioelectronics.

Learn The New Science Of Television-Radio-Electronics And New Super Easy Rules Of Capitalization At Our Secret Floating Training Facility On Lake Michigan!

As Career Recipient of Blunt Head Trauma Jack Dempsey's head will tell you, in exchange for a check we wrote him, he's proud to be "with" DTI, in the same way that Fonzie is now super cranked about reverse mortgages. No word on whether his neck or body share his enthusiasm for electronics training, as they were not available at the time of printing.

Still not convinced? Then listen to Randomly Chosen
and Slightly Startled Boat Guy Jean Desmas, for some
reason. DTI is "incroyable".

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